Programming Jokes February - Obligatory Witty Remark - Developers

Why does a java developer develop in java? Because he doesn't see sharp.

[QUOTE=AnonTakesOver;45521645]Are you fucking serious :v: What type of return is 'probably' or 'maybe' "Yeah, uhh, I think it supports this audio type? Not really sure, probably does, yolo just play it and see if shit happens" What documentation is that from?[/QUOTE] You will love this snippet then: [code]enum Bool { True, False, FileNotFound };[/code] [sp]there is subtle stupidity here beyond the obvious[/sp]

the followup [quote=http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/Extra-Boolean.aspx] Stuart: Oooh Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong. Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation. Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable; it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. -- BBT [B]Kristian[/B] works in a shop with a bunch of superstar developers who always seem to find interesting ways to solve what most folks might otherwise consider to be trivial design issues. One particularly brightly shining piece of engineering involved a home-grown enum table in their database. Apparently, [I]true[/I], [I]false [/I]and [I]perhaps [/I]even [I]FILE_NOT_FOUND [/I]weren't enough for these developers. No, they needed something that could handle gradations of right and wrong; true and false. They needed something that could handle situations where something was [I]really [/I]true or [I]really [/I]false. Something that was a bit [I]more [/I]than boolean... [code] Name Id Text Boolean -1 True Boolean 0 False ExtraBoolean 0 MoreFalse ExtraBoolean 1 MoreTrue [/code] [/quote]

Not exactly programming, but I instantly thought of these as 'Java cookies' [img]http://i.imgur.com/RLWy9g3.jpg[/img]

[code]const int true = 1; const int false = 0; const int maybe = 0.5;[/code]

0.4999999999999999999999999

Not really programming joke, but: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look bright until you actually hear them speak. [editline]4th August 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=r0b0tsquid;45541317][code]const int true = 1; const int false = 0; const int maybe = 0.5;[/code][/QUOTE] Isn't that just fuzzy logic now :)? Also sorry to break your neck, but it's float not int. [code] function isLogical(s){ return "The fuck do I know, I am computer"; } [/code]

[QUOTE=Fourier;45583859] Also sorry to break your neck, but it's float not int. [/QUOTE] That's (part of) the joke ;) 0.5 is actually a double literal as far as I know, the float literal would be 0.5f

[QUOTE=r0b0tsquid;45584067]That's (part of) the joke ;) 0.5 is actually a double literal as far as I know, the float literal would be 0.5f[/QUOTE] Damn, I was outsmarted D: I shall apologize, robot.squid

[QUOTE=Fourier;45584318]Damn, I was outsmarted D: I shall apologize, robot.squid[/QUOTE] And that's why Laplace was a better mathematician...

[QUOTE=DrDevil;45617586]And that's why Laplace was a better mathematician...[/QUOTE] Floating point errors?

What's the difference between an IT person and a non-IT person? [sp]When a piece of computing technology seems to fix itself, the non-IT person gets happy, the IT person gets worried.[/sp]

one of the developers for Kerbal Space Program created a 2D list and it took him 3,600 lines of code to do it [QUOTE]Jim (Romfarer): Last week i spent a lot of time working on a new scroll list implementation i need for the administration gui. So, putting items in a list and having them move up and down seems easy enough but apparently it’s not. The implementation we currently use is 3600 lines of code! In the end the work paid off and we now have a 2D scroll list implementation that’s conceptually the same as the one dimensional lists you have seen before. The most interesting thing about it however is what we are going to put in it but unfortunately i can’t say anything about that.[/QUOTE] what the fuck [editline]13th August 2014[/editline] [url]http://kerbaldevteam.tumblr.com/[/url]

What's a two-dimensional list? A table?

I certainly hope so. It'd be even weirder if it were just a list with scrollbars for x and y.

Someone in the KSP thread said that it was because Unity's UI system is awful.

The new one is out soon(we hope) with Unity 4.6 and it looks amazing. [editline]14th August 2014[/editline] I'm surprised they didn't just buy another GUI system, there are plenty our there.

Not really a programming joke, more like a request for advice. So we are working on this business application. This business application deals with very sensitive information. Recently a ticket was opened. Apparently the application started giving out "UnauthorizedException" when trying to access restricted data. This is normal if you try to access the data when you don't have permissions, the problem is that it is being given out to certain users that are supposed not to be restricted. My workmate, who has been working here for more than a year, happily accepted the ticket and submitted the fix 4 minutes later. The fix was (and I copy paste): [code] try { -snipped authorization check- } catch(UnauthorizedException e) { // Ignore error } [/code] Should we put him down?

From an old programming book, "The Tao of Programming": --- The Tao gave birth to the Machine Language. Machine Language gave birth to the Assembler. The Assembler gave birth to the Compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages. Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao. But do not program in Cobol if you can avoid it. --- Grand Master Turing once dreamed he was a machine. When he awoke he exclaimed: "I do not know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" --- A Master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software - regardless of how insignificant," said the Master. "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the Novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the Novice. "It is even in a video game," said the Master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The Master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. --- Just a few excerpts, hope you enjoyed! It and its sequel, "The Zen of Programming" are two of my favorite books, given to my by the father of a friend of mine, who was a programmer back in the 80s.

My mate's in a band called "1023 Megabytes"... They haven't got a gig yet! [sp] Excuse my corny humor [/sp]

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/f8jMi4n.jpg[/IMG]

[QUOTE=suXin;45532275]Not exactly programming, but I instantly thought of these as 'Java cookies' [img]http://i.imgur.com/RLWy9g3.jpg[/img][/QUOTE] mom bought weird cookies again, with letters on them. I wanted to write down C++ but there was only one + among cookies :v:

[QUOTE=suXin;45844204]mom bought weird cookies again, with letters on them. I wanted to write down C++ but there was only one + among cookies :v:[/QUOTE] Is there a #? :v:

Back when Kony2012's video came out, a few friends and I were screwing around and I wrote this... We never could determine if it was hilarious, geeky, stupid, or a combo.:rolleyes: I don't know why I didn't remember until now. [code]using System; using System.Collections.Generic; using System.Linq; using System.Text; using System.Threading.Tasks; namespace Flux_Pavillion { class Program { static void Main(string[] args) { for (int i = 0; i > -1; i++) { Console.WriteLine("I can't stop."); } } } } [/code] It really can stop.

[QUOTE=GeEkOfWiReS;45858991]Back when Kony2012's video came out, a few friends and I were screwing around and I wrote this... We never could determine if it was hilarious, geeky, stupid, or a combo.:rolleyes: [/QUOTE] I would say just stupid. Unless I am missing some inside joke here.

[QUOTE=GeEkOfWiReS;45858991]Back when Kony2012's video came out, a few friends and I were screwing around and I wrote this... We never could determine if it was hilarious, geeky, stupid, or a combo.:rolleyes: I don't know why I didn't remember until now. [code]using System; using System.Collections.Generic; using System.Linq; using System.Text; using System.Threading.Tasks; namespace Flux_Pavillion { class Program { static void Main(string[] args) { for (int i = 0; i > -1; i++) { Console.WriteLine("I can't stop."); } } } } [/code] It really can't stop.[/QUOTE] The funniest thing about this code is that it absolutely can and eventually will stop

[QUOTE=sambooo;45862289]The funniest thing about this code is that it absolutely can and eventually will stop[/QUOTE] Wow, next time I should re-read the post because the entire purpose of the last sentence was to clarify that. Error on my end... gonna correct my original post now. [editline]1st September 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=AnonTakesOver;45859810]I would say just stupid. Unless I am missing some inside joke here.[/QUOTE] Have you watched Kony2012 and listened to the annoying song in it?

[QUOTE=GeEkOfWiReS;45862609] Have you watched Kony2012 and listened to the annoying song in it?[/QUOTE] It's 2014, almost 2015. You are a bit late bud. Plus, it's a really shitty joke, like a 10 year old watched a tutorial on for loops and made that. Why not use a while(true) loop anyway for your shitty joke?

[QUOTE=suXin;45844204]mom bought weird cookies again, with letters on them. I wanted to write down C++ but there was only one + among cookies :v:[/QUOTE] [img]http://i.imgur.com/ZtgDX3l.jpg[/img]

(OC) A programmer had a young son. From a very early age he was an energetic little thing, never feeling the need stop and rest. This started to prove troublesome, and by the age of five he could barely contain himself. The programmer scored a job in the big city and they moved into a very small house. The confined space quickly broke the young boy and he started having many tantrums. The programmer pleaded with his son to calm down and sometimes it worked. But one day it reached a breaking point where all of his father's statements where just ignored and the boy had the biggest fit possible. The boy stormed into his father's room and picked up the laptop with all his work on it. He brought it to the stairs and flung it down with all his strength. The father had just come in the front door and was speechless. All his work had been backed up and his new job could afford ten new computers but he was still infuriated. He dashed up the stairs and pinned down the small boy on his back with one hand. The small-ish father still laid a great shadow across the boy, whose eyes had started to water up in the terror. "BOY!" the father screamed with the full strength of his lungs. "Do you know what you have done!? I tell you boy, you will... [B]NEVER, EVER, TOSS THINGS EVER AGAIN!"[/B] The boy exploded into tears realising there was absolutely no excuse for the crime he just committed. The father knew he had scared his son enough and took his hand off, then stomped back down the stairs to clean up the fragments of his exploded computer. The father realised something needed to be done and after all the crying was finished and apologies, he sat his son down to have a talk. After making the son promise to never throw things, he found out why his son had been so restless and decided he needed an outlet for all the frustration. He signed his son up for little athletics and every week for the next few months they headed out to the sports grounds. Soon there a sports trial and the son entered to compete. When the programmer came to pick his son up, he saw him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. The father rushed over and asked what was wrong. "I was awful!" the son replied, each word separated by a sob. "What position did you come in the race?" the father asked, hoping his son would not be too ashamed to answer. "10! I was terrible!" "10? That's a silver medal son!" the father said in a most jovial manner. The joke flew over his son's head so he opted to comfort him instead. "What about the javelin? You've got strong arms!" "I didn't do it" "Why not?" "You told me not to hurl things." So sports was out of the question. Being naturally bad at sports must have been a genetic thing. The father knew his son wanted to be outdoors but being competitive was just too much of a strain on the poor boy. As he passed by the TV he saw Discovery channel was having its daily eight hour Deadliest Catch marathon. Then brilliance struck him- fishing! So he went down to the department store and bought a couple of rods, and all the necessary gear to pull fish out of the water. He brought his son an hour outside the town to a small stream that was supposedly the best spot to get a bite. When they got there, they grabbed the gear and headed to the stream's bank. The father demonstrated to his son how to use the rod, but no avail. "Son, why don't you want to fish?" "You told me not to cast things." The father had all but given up on his son. He realised that if he could't get him to enjoy the outdoors, then he'd just have to get comfortable with being indoors. He needed some kind of hobby that could keep his mind at ease. Then it struck him, programming of course! Christmas time had come around and the boy had less tantrums, if only to appease the jolly old man that was due to visit. The father got together a big box of things to give his son. The father fished out an old computer of his but decided that the least he could do was get some new peripherals. The final present was [I]big,[/I] any young child would get excited seeing something their own size. It had the old computer and monitor, a new keyboard, some comfortable headphones, a small mouse for small hands, and a few books about programming. He confident his son would be smart enough to read on his own after getting a little push. Christmas came around and the boy was rabidly excited to open up the box. After a couple of weeks he was settled in with this machine and with dad's help he was making all sorts of little games with Python. The years went by and the son was now 13, ready to go into high school. He had many friends and was always the top of class. He attributed it to programming, which was always challenging him to find new and creative solutions to everything. He recently had moved up into harder languages, and was starting to use Java, and no that's not the punchline. He was absolutely obsessed with his hobby, to the point that [I]his mind had started to actually act like a computer[/I]. One day the father found his son in the shed sorting through a box of scraps. "What's that in your hand, son?" the father asked idly. "Just string, dad" "It hasn't been initialised yet!" he replied, and they laughed until their faces turned red. The father continued his inquiry "how long is it?" at which point the boy actually tried to think about it. The question was too much for him so he started to froth at mouth and passed out, gashing his head on a desk and letting out a flood of red on the edge of the work space. When the boy came to, he found himself in a hospital room. His family gathered round with concerned looks on their faces. The father leaned over, holding his hand tightly. With a grave tone he asked "Son, what caused this happen?" With a meek voice he replied... [I][sp]"You told me not to throw things."[/sp][/I]