• Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an
    4,999 replies, posted
I don't know if this exactly fits here, but.. here goes.. I feel like there's something wrong with me that was never diagnosed. Just by the fact that I'm so slow and my basic problem solving skills are extremely poor. Cognitive thought and ability comes at a difficulty, and formulating sentences properly both online and off is hard, like English isn't my first language. I can think about saying something for a really long time before I say it, but it still usually comes out ridiculously stupid or I piss someone off somehow, without even meaning to. I can never help anyone hardly without making things worse. There's very few things I can do correctly. My motor skills are poor, I often stumble around on even walking surfaces. I've made enemies and lost friends, made idiotic sounding posts all across the internet, simply because I didn't know how to word something. For all of my life I've never felt like I was.. Completely focused, or "there". Like, lights are on but nobody's home type feeling. Absolutely scatterbrained, as well. Often things I post on the internet, either on forums or IM, or talk about in real life jump all over the place. My legitimately mentally challenged great aunt was sharper than me most of the time. I can't even solve simple child's puzzles and riddles on the back of fucking cereal boxes sometimes. I feel like I'm just a plain out [I]idiot[/I] in every sense of the word. I wanna cry, I feel like something in my head is missing that everyone else has, and it's making me feel worthless. I feel like a burden to everyone I talk to. I feel like many people get the immediate impression that I have some form of autism, both online and off, which makes people want to avoid me. I really want to see a psychologist or something, but I've been fighting to get someone to take me there for a really long time but my parents usually laugh, say nothing's wrong with me and completely blow it off. If I could take myself I would, but this issue is so bad that it's affecting my ability to do just about anything that would get me there to do it. I'm stuck and I almost want to die because of it.
[QUOTE=PredGD;46655511]I don't think there's a way to deal with loneliness at all other than actually socializing to be honest. of course you can distract yourself, but that's a very short term solution which you have to repeat over and over. then there's also those times where the feeling just doesn't go away even when you try to distract yourself. best way to deal with crippling loneliness is to do exactly what the feeling wants you to do, socialize. everything else are just short term solutions most of the time, and if you keep doing it, you'll suddenly end up repeating these short term solutions day after day. before you know the word of it, months pass. it's what I did in the period I was isolated at home. instead of attacking the problem head on, I kept working around it by finding ways to "ignore" the feeling like distracting myself. of course it just made everything worse up until I had pretty much forgotten how to be social. I legitimately struggle with talking since I went a year where I barely spoke norwegian at all. its gotten a lot better now that I've been more social, but I still stumble in my own words occasionally. in the end, do your best to do exactly what you feel like you need, social stimulation! doesn't need to be with friends, family or anything like that. could be through work or school as well, or activities you participate in. your social "quota" will fill up just by being social with pretty much anyone. distractions are of course okay, just don't let the distractions become the solution else you'll create a much bigger problem for yourself. in other news, was my birthday today! it feels surprisingly not like my birthday since I haven't celebrated and I've been stuck in my room all day. feels like any other day, haven't eaten anything special, etc. somewhat sad, but what bothers me the most is how few commented "happy birthday" on my facebook page. really makes me feel like an outcast considering "happy birthday" is something everyone writes on everyones wall even if they don't know each other, or at least some people do that.[/QUOTE] But i've been a loner all my life and i've never really had any friends. I don't even know how to socialize and interact with people. I've been a hermit as long as i can remember. I graduated about a year ago and i still haven't been able to find a job. I've literally spent the past year in front of my computer. Nobody to talk to, just my computer, games and music. I turned 24 2 months ago and i feel like i haven't done anything with my life and haven't experienced anything. I feel like I "missed out". It leaves you feeling stunted and underdeveloped, and like you're waiting on some train you're not sure even exists.
[QUOTE=aydin690;46656759]But i've been a loner all my life and i've never really had any friends. I don't even know how to socialize and interact with people. I've been a hermit as long as i can remember. I graduated about a year ago and i still haven't been able to find a job. I've literally spent the past year in front of my computer. Nobody to talk to, just my computer, games and music. I turned 24 2 months ago and i feel like i haven't done anything with my life and haven't experienced anything. I feel like I "missed out". It leaves you feeling stunted and underdeveloped, and like you're waiting on some train you're not sure even exists.[/QUOTE] it's definitely a sticky situation which is hard to get out of, and as you said, it's like waiting for a train that you're not sure even exists. though there is a point where it's smarter to start walking instead of waiting for the train. it's gonna be more exhausting, but it's better than waiting for something that isn't guaranteed to show up. not having any friends and having been a loner all your life shouldn't get in the way of socializing! of course social skill may lack to a degree, but it's something that is quickly gained when you first expose yourself. most people from what I've gathered socialize mostly on "social arenas" like school and work. I don't know how hard you've tried to find a job or how hard it is to find one, but if I were you, I'd start doing some research on possible places to work. from there you'll meet new people, and through them you'll be able to meet even more people. it's my current plan, and I've already scored a job where I'll begin working in january. [editline]7th December 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=SuperDuperScoot;46655533]I don't know if this exactly fits here, but.. here goes.. I feel like there's something wrong with me that was never diagnosed. Just by the fact that I'm so slow and my basic problem solving skills are extremely poor. Cognitive thought and ability comes at a difficulty, and formulating sentences properly both online and off is hard, like English isn't my first language. I can think about saying something for a really long time before I say it, but it still usually comes out ridiculously stupid or I piss someone off somehow, without even meaning to. I can never help anyone hardly without making things worse. There's very few things I can do correctly. My motor skills are poor, I often stumble around on even walking surfaces. I've made enemies and lost friends, made idiotic sounding posts all across the internet, simply because I didn't know how to word something. For all of my life I've never felt like I was.. Completely focused, or "there". Like, lights are on but nobody's home type feeling. Absolutely scatterbrained, as well. Often things I post on the internet, either on forums or IM, or talk about in real life jump all over the place. My legitimately mentally challenged great aunt was sharper than me most of the time. I can't even solve simple child's puzzles and riddles on the back of fucking cereal boxes sometimes. I feel like I'm just a plain out [I]idiot[/I] in every sense of the word. I wanna cry, I feel like something in my head is missing that everyone else has, and it's making me feel worthless. I feel like a burden to everyone I talk to. I feel like many people get the immediate impression that I have some form of autism, both online and off, which makes people want to avoid me. I really want to see a psychologist or something, but I've been fighting to get someone to take me there for a really long time but my parents usually laugh, say nothing's wrong with me and completely blow it off. If I could take myself I would, but this issue is so bad that it's affecting my ability to do just about anything that would get me there to do it. I'm stuck and I almost want to die because of it.[/QUOTE] what you suspect might be true, and it might not. it's easy to think that there's something wrong, then you'll automatically pay attention to odd things or even unintentionally do as you suspect just to further confirm your own suspicion of something being wrong. without going into too much details, I used to do this. it really felt like I hadn't been diagnosed correctly for something, but for a period I just forgot about it completely, and the "symptoms" disappeared with it. things I found odd also seemed to be completely normal after hearing it from others too which just further said there was nothing wrong with me. this is why self diagnosing/looking for symptoms in yourself is harmful since you'll often fulfill your own prophecy, making your suspicions completely invalid as it's often your own imagination that creates symptoms out of completely normal things. you need someone external to judge if it's something that could come from a disorder or not as they won't be biased. I'd try not to worry too much about it and go to a psychologist to get a proper overview of the things you feel.
I never remember my dreams, I go literally months without remembering any of them. Now the last five days every night I dream about my ex and me together and happy. Every morning now I wake up and feel like I want to die. We're still friends and she still tries to talk to me every day, and she always wants to hang out with me. She told me it was because of my marks, then it was because I'm not independent enough, then it was because she wanted to be alone and she had an emotional switch that turned off (Whatever that means). Last night she urged me to call her on skype and we talked for five hours, had a great time and we both laughed until we cried. I just want her back and I dont know how long to wait or what to say or even if she'd want me back and I'm afraid if I ask then I won't be able to talk to her at all. I'm posting here again hoping someone will have something to say this time. I posted three times and it just makes me feel like I'm invisible on the forum please help me, I can't keep doing this
I've been thinking more and more about killing myself; and I want to do it. I'm angry at myself that I can't work up the nerve to just do it. I drive away all my friends with my depression and I've got nothing that I look forward to in life aside from sitting in front of the goddamn computer. The most social interaction I get is on these forums. I just want a normal life! I want to be able to make friends and just have one day where I wake up happy. I started out this year to be a better person and I honestly think I'm worse off then I started. Just fuck! FUCK! If there was a button I could press that just instantly killed you with no pain; I'd tap that shit in a nanosecond. :suicide: EDIT: [QUOTE=Catscratch;46617678]I should at least stop initiating conversation with people. I feel like I'm just a bother and that's probably what it is most of the time.[/QUOTE] That's how I feel too, so I never initiate the conversation. Then my friends get angry at me for ignoring them :( There is never a winning move.
[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;46664445]I've been thinking more and more about killing myself; and I want to do it. I'm angry at myself that I can't work up the nerve to just do it. I drive away all my friends with my depression and I've got nothing that I look forward to in life aside from sitting in front of the goddamn computer. The most social interaction I get is on these forums. I just want a normal life! I want to be able to make friends and just have one day where I wake up happy. I started out this year to be a better person and I honestly think I'm worse off then I started. Just fuck! FUCK! If there was a button I could press that just instantly killed you with no pain; I'd tap that shit in a nanosecond. :suicide: EDIT: That's how I feel too, so I never initiate the conversation. Then my friends get angry at me for ignoring them :( There is never a winning move.[/QUOTE] Please do not kill yourself, you're too good to waste yourself like that You're not ever gonna get that normal life you want if you end it. I've been struggling with something similar and the only thing I can really say is that it takes a lot of time and you have to be strong and find ways to keep yourself satisfied until you achieve exactly what it is you want.
I feel so fucking ugly. I load my face and body with meditative creams but my back,chest, shoulders and face and crawling with so much acne. My face just dries out, becomes chapped, scarred and and very red at the attempt to do anything about. I have a bad habit about taking one side of my hoodie and pulling it over the affected side of my cheek and mouth. I know it's a teenager thing, but it never seems to end. At least my sibling's issues wore down at this age, while mine is still very bad.
[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;46664445]I've been thinking more and more about killing myself; and I want to do it. I'm angry at myself that I can't work up the nerve to just do it. I drive away all my friends with my depression and I've got nothing that I look forward to in life aside from sitting in front of the goddamn computer. The most social interaction I get is on these forums. I just want a normal life! I want to be able to make friends and just have one day where I wake up happy. I started out this year to be a better person and I honestly think I'm worse off then I started. Just fuck! FUCK! If there was a button I could press that just instantly killed you with no pain; I'd tap that shit in a nanosecond. :suicide: EDIT: That's how I feel too, so I never initiate the conversation. Then my friends get angry at me for ignoring them :( There is never a winning move.[/QUOTE] Listen, dude. I'm pretty much in the same boat. Every day, the first and almost only thing I seem to do everyday is sit here on the computer. Considering this is where I've nested my only social life I have, it's about the only thing I feel I can do. No car, no job, no significant other in my life to really keep me in line, and all my friends live pretty much light-years away from me. What the fuck have I got to live for? And yeah. From time to time, I've thought about doing that. I can guarantee you 100% that actually doing it is not going to make ANYONE feel better about things, though. It sure as hell won't make you feel better. Trust me, man. There are people who definitely like you and care about you, no matter how near or far away they are. You won't be doing anyone a favor by just giving up on life at such a young age. Trust me, man. Trust me. Things WILL get better for you. That's how it works for everyone. If there's anything depression has taught me, it's that the little things will matter the most to you. Just focus on the little things that make you smile, even just a little, and things won't seem so bad. We want you here, dude. Alive and well. Please, don't do it.
Ever since my best friends moved cross-country for studies; I've had it quite lonely. And I've managed as I have a friend whom I've been doing some games developing stuff with and another friend who lives somewhat close to where my best friends moved to, whom I talk with almost every day. And I'm just getting more and more worried about this second mentioned friend. Her problems just seem to get worse to the point that I feel like I'm unable to help at all. Like how she went out drinking on Saturday and yesterday she complained to me about that her body hurts everywhere and that she had gotten a cut on her lip. After assessing her on what exactly hurt and how bad I gave her the advice on getting some rest. Today she said that it hurts worse and that she noticed that her bank-card is missing. Then saying that she just feels like going home despite being real close to flunking her studies and then dying. :c I kinda feel like asking her girlfriend to help her. Taking her to the doc or something. But one of the problems seems to be the all too typical psychiatrist who doesn't listen and instead just tries to prescribe shit. Makes me nauseous. Right now I'd want nothing more than to travel there try my best to bring some relief, give her that hug she requested and deliver the matching sweater that I bought for her. I feel sickened over being unable to help and the bloody long distance isn't helping a bit. I'm afraid for her and I feel like crying.
I refrain from posting in this thread ususally because whatever I have to add has probably already been said before but like on top of my own problems three of my friends have recently been talking about suicide and one of them almost committed it and it just scares me, the fact someone you love could be here one day and gone the next and there would be nothing you could've done to help. Idk it gets to me
[QUOTE=JPlus;46676492]I refrain from posting in this thread ususally because whatever I have to add has probably already been said before but like on top of my own problems three of my friends have recently been talking about suicide and one of them almost committed it and it just scares me, the fact someone you love could be here one day and gone the next and there would be nothing you could've done to help. Idk it gets to me[/QUOTE] It's a really scary thought honestly I haven't had a friend that's done it, but a friend of mine had someone they were close to that killed themselves and they still get really upset about it. It's been 5 years about, and I imagine it's never gonna be something they can let go of
[QUOTE=flamehead5;46661383]I never remember my dreams, I go literally months without remembering any of them. Now the last five days every night I dream about my ex and me together and happy. Every morning now I wake up and feel like I want to die. We're still friends and she still tries to talk to me every day, and she always wants to hang out with me. She told me it was because of my marks, then it was because I'm not independent enough, then it was because she wanted to be alone and she had an emotional switch that turned off (Whatever that means). Last night she urged me to call her on skype and we talked for five hours, had a great time and we both laughed until we cried. I just want her back and I dont know how long to wait or what to say or even if she'd want me back and I'm afraid if I ask then I won't be able to talk to her at all. I'm posting here again hoping someone will have something to say this time. I posted three times and it just makes me feel like I'm invisible on the forum please help me, I can't keep doing this[/QUOTE] honestly, being in a kinda similar situation but not really anymore, I have to ask how long has it been? I felt like this exact same way for the first couple of months. We talked atleast once every second day. At some point she made it clear that we're not getting back together though, and ever since then I haven't been able to talk to her without feeling incredibly sad. I haven't talked to her for over a week now, and honestly I'm feeling a lot better, and looking forward to the day I can stop feeling hurt and just go back to being her friend. though if she's still contacting you, you can't really do much but try and improve on what she said. it's a really weird limbo like position, just don't get stuck in it man, it eats you up.
Keep getting relapsing moments of depression and inflammation since going away for that festival. I regret not refilling my colitis medication before going to it, because now it's flaring up, and it's making me have inflammation all over. Especially my head/brain. But I've ordered some anti-inflammatory supplements, as well as some more anti-fungals to pair with my current ones. Hopefully I can get this flareup under control. I was doing extremely well with my depression for a while with my colitis in remission and the candida in check. Hoping it won't take more than a week to get back to where I was. [editline]11th December 2014[/editline] And my friend's alright now, before I forget. What we thought was a heart attack ended up being a mix of muscle damage from his motorcycle accident and the meds he's taking for his bipolar disorder. Still having lingering numbness in his arm though. Hoping things start looking up for him; he's a really nice guy and doesn't deserve all the shit that's happened to him.
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I feel so empty inside My motivation and self worth are just kind of draining. I'm scared
I think one of the worst feeling I get is that I can get everything I set my mind to, [i]except[/i] for the things I [i]really[/i] want. I never had problems with my body, sexually nor socially (even though I'm your typical introvert) but when it comes to relationships I was never was able to land one that I was happy in. Up until now I've only had a closeted girlfriend for like... 2 weeks when I was 18, which is ok, since I'm gay myself (it happened before I accepted it). Kind of funny now that you think of it since we were both in the closet at the time. And a boyfriend which I didn't actually have any feelings for, whom I broke up with after a month and made him cry. That shit made me feel horrible. I'm 21 now, for reference. Every person I've had actual, heart wrenching feelings for is either straight, taken, or not interested. Which makes things pretty barren up here in northern Israel. No husbandos up here. But the kicker here is that my subconscious likes to hit me below the belt sometimes. I keep having pretty clear dreams of a better life, one where my crushes return my affections, or one where my psyche isn't so goddamn fragile. It's not as bad as nightmares, which I don't get anymore. But it really kills my mood in the mornings. Especially now that I'm on meds that make my dreams more lucid. This + my military service (which is close to ending, thank god) gave me this terrible apathy that led me to some pretty irresponsible and destructive behavior such as substance abuse and occasional petty theft (nothing major, usually just military equipment that I need and Ritalin from my sister, which has come my main vice since I stopped drinking due to the lexapro). In all this I do have a slight sense of optimism, since the medication is working I'll be free come end of January, which will allow me to take my life in any direction that could help me in my pursuit of happiness. I'll finally be able to make money for myself since I'll have the time, and I won't be bound down by the IDF's ridiculous laws. I'm planning on taking my life somewhere positive, get the need to get high out of my system, and focus on my art, my music, my hopeful career in graphic design/concept art/game development and my love life. I just hope my parents never find out about this shit, or me picking up smoking. I'm scared that it'll crush them. I'm the only one in our immediate family that "didn't" pick up smoking, so I feel like they have this mental image of me that I don't want to ruin. I don't want to put them through that, they've been so great to me and I keep sending them (especially my mom, who is on the same meds as I am) on these emotional rollercoasters that IMO are pretty difficult compared to your average run-of-the mill kid issues. If you managed to make it through my tirade, then thanks! I'll try to give out some advice to 'yall from my experiences in the following days, even though I'm not completely out of it yet.
I feel so lonely. I feel like I have friends, but at the same time I feel like I don't. I occasionally meet someone every now and then, but it's always so far apart. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not social. I don't feel that I have reliable friends nor do I feel that they're very close. feels like some of them are the complete opposite of myself, yet I try to make it work out when I know it won't work out in the end. I'm not as socially anxious as I used to. I embrace social situations and I actively seek them out, but having anything last is incredibly hard for me. the second one negative bump pops up, no matter how minor or major, it'll be received as an incredibly major issue. these bumps are often me being rejected due to them feeling tired or already busy. I can understand, but something tells me they're just lying to me. they could, they could not, I can't really know and I should probably assume that they're not, but I always assume that they do lie. I've always gone by "love yourself before you love anyone else", but it's hard. how can one love themselves when they feel like a lonely reject? the social part has to get in place, but I feel like I don't "love" myself enough yet. I'm too insecure about myself and too self-aware about stuff like clothes, movement, general looks, etc. this, or at least I like to believe it, leads to my paranoia over others. I always feel as if I'm not good enough, that there are flaws with me that makes people avoid me and reject me. then there's these thoughts about a relationship. before I got into my first and only relationship, I was a social "outcast". I didn't have a lot of friends, I felt rejected by the few I had and felt pretty bad about myself. though I wasn't very depressed over not being social since I hadn't been that social before so I didn't know what I was missing out on. after I met my ex, that was the first time I got socially integrated, properly at least. perhaps I'm not used to being social without someone by my side? someone I could always be with? I feel it's wrong to pursue a girlfriend now even though I really want it. I feel that the girlfriend would just be more of a crutch than anything else. I feel like I need to learn to use my own legs before I find someone else to support myself on, and inevitably, fall to the ground once I lose them too. do you guys think it's healthy to live by "love yourself before you love anyone else"? I find it to be cheesy to live by something like that, but for some reason this really stuck with me. only thing I live by right now, it's literally burned into my brain. it sounds like a good idea to be able to stand on your own legs without using social moments as a crutch to yourself, but at the same time I feel that some social stimulation is required to be able to love yourself. as I said above too, it's hard to love yourself when you feel like a social reject.
Well, time for a rant mode on. I feel like i am just a garbage can that keeps getting filled with dark thoughts each day that is not being cleaned at all. I feel like my mind just goes here and there and opening my darker part each day a little bit, effectively removing contacts that i have been carefully talked to. Also the school situation seems to be going a bit better atleast. But i feel like a group of people that are simply non-existential in front of the eyes of the society. I still sadly remember the days when i was used to take Ritalin to calm myself. Apparently those days i was a punching bag and as far as i know, i can´t remember shit from the times i used it. Good thing my parents phased it out, but at that time, the pressure of my peers in my elementary school was just too big and oh boy the fights were there. And its high school now. Can´t say it wasnt as bad, but boy oh boy did i got much grimmer last year when my "old pals" came to my class and man, that time when they decided to fight onto me and nobody, i say NOBODY tried to stop the fight. Apparently they got out clean, but still not sure. From that day on, man was i feeling much worse back then. The computer was the only escape from reality, which didnt give me much hope and i sadly failed that year which i am repeating right now. And i was trying to escape out of reality 2 times with a belt around my neck and trying to just end my hopeless and meaningless life, but i got out of it okay, just with possible smaller brain damage due to asphyxiation done to me and a bit violet lips. Oh and did i mention something else: The punishments of my family onto me didnt helped at fucking all, but fucking scared the shit out of me when my father went completely nuts and whipped my ass so hard it was really painful a few times. But the sad thing is, the national view onto spanking that it is okay. BUT IT FUCKING IS NOT. It scares the shit out of the kid and it gives him also that burden that if he screws up again, he might get hit and it actually increases the "you can fuck up that situation" level. Also the fact that i managed to hit my sisters too hard atleast 10 times for now makes it even god damn worse. Not only i hurt my sisters, but i also hurt myself, when my rage/insanity meter decides to go clean out mode. And just to be clear, i also got heavily punished for that with father going megaspank mode. I´m not even sure if i am worth the risk of my parents at all. I just feel like ending this life now, but when i think more of it, i think of the consequences that would the end of my life do which put me off for that short time. But then again, is life even more worth living since i feel like im just a replaceable part. Just a small tiny ant in the giant colony, just a deflated tire, just like a used cig. Welp, if you do manage to read all this, i thank you for taking your time.
I feel like I'm going in circles with what I'm posting, but I don't know where to put all this. dwelling on it feels bad. I've posted about it before, that I'm afraid I won't be happy with what life is. that my image of a good life isn't possible, no matter who you are. my mother keeps telling me I shouldn't see life in the big picture, but instead find joy in the smaller things. I try, but I don't see any reason why. sure, I can feel good in the moment when I do something, but it's so temporary. the second I stop doing whatever it might be or when I grow tired of it, it's back to the normal business of being depressed and bored. just a few months ago, I would often think of suicide but never saw it as an option as there was too many "if's". now I've been at the mental clinic for soon 3 months and it feels like it has "opened" my eyes. everything I expected, the things I thought would help, none of it has worked so far. it's really disheartening when what you thought would make you better doesn't help in the slightest. I don't feel that I'll ever be better, and even if I get "better", I don't think life is something I want to live until I die of old age. suicide is always a topic I find fairly melodramatic, but these thoughts are there so I think it's better to share them than dwell on them. [editline]12th December 2014[/editline] I wish I had someone close to vent to who didn't mind it. you quickly start to feel like one of many when posting in this thread seeing as everyone here has enough with themselves already
I dont mind it at all. It˙s good to see different views.
Ironically that month I thought I had Schizoid Personality Disorder I never felt happier. When I gave up caring about the world I stopped getting worried about everything but at a price a part of me died and it's still dead.
[QUOTE=PredGD;46698995]I feel so lonely. I feel like I have friends, but at the same time I feel like I don't. I occasionally meet someone every now and then, but it's always so far apart. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not social. I don't feel that I have reliable friends nor do I feel that they're very close. feels like some of them are the complete opposite of myself, yet I try to make it work out when I know it won't work out in the end. I'm not as socially anxious as I used to. I embrace social situations and I actively seek them out, but having anything last is incredibly hard for me. the second one negative bump pops up, no matter how minor or major, it'll be received as an incredibly major issue. these bumps are often me being rejected due to them feeling tired or already busy. I can understand, but something tells me they're just lying to me. they could, they could not, I can't really know and I should probably assume that they're not, but I always assume that they do lie. I've always gone by "love yourself before you love anyone else", but it's hard. how can one love themselves when they feel like a lonely reject? the social part has to get in place, but I feel like I don't "love" myself enough yet. I'm too insecure about myself and too self-aware about stuff like clothes, movement, general looks, etc. this, or at least I like to believe it, leads to my paranoia over others. I always feel as if I'm not good enough, that there are flaws with me that makes people avoid me and reject me. then there's these thoughts about a relationship. before I got into my first and only relationship, I was a social "outcast". I didn't have a lot of friends, I felt rejected by the few I had and felt pretty bad about myself. though I wasn't very depressed over not being social since I hadn't been that social before so I didn't know what I was missing out on. after I met my ex, that was the first time I got socially integrated, properly at least. perhaps I'm not used to being social without someone by my side? someone I could always be with? I feel it's wrong to pursue a girlfriend now even though I really want it. I feel that the girlfriend would just be more of a crutch than anything else. I feel like I need to learn to use my own legs before I find someone else to support myself on, and inevitably, fall to the ground once I lose them too. do you guys think it's healthy to live by "love yourself before you love anyone else"? I find it to be cheesy to live by something like that, but for some reason this really stuck with me. only thing I live by right now, it's literally burned into my brain. it sounds like a good idea to be able to stand on your own legs without using social moments as a crutch to yourself, but at the same time I feel that some social stimulation is required to be able to love yourself. as I said above too, it's hard to love yourself when you feel like a social reject.[/QUOTE] It's really hard to take this kind of thing to heart. But it's honestly the best way you can live. You can't swear off social stuff entirely, but the best thing you can do is try and develop confidence enough to realize that regardless of the past you had maybe growing up, you're still a good person. You don't need to be a super social person that goes out all the time and hangs with friends regularly. If you even have a handful of people that you really care about that care about you back, that's all you really need. You don't need to define your social status by what others do. For example, I don't really hang out with that many people. I usually stay at home nowadays and just keep to myself online. But the thing is that I have a handful of friends that while I don't hang out with them all the time, we're still very close and when I do feel like hanging out, it's an option. I also have my family that I can tell values me too, you really don't need much more than that. It's healthy to love yourself before you try giving love to others, because if you're only attaching yourself to people for your benefit, it's not really a healthy relationship. [editline]12th December 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;46699672] I wish I had someone close to vent to who didn't mind it. you quickly start to feel like one of many when posting in this thread seeing as everyone here has enough with themselves already[/QUOTE] You can vent to me if you want. Maybe not so much today cuz im kind of in a shitty position at the moment, but i'm usually very good at listening and I always have thought you were a cool guy. Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.
I posted this in "Shit That Gets You Mad" [QUOTE=Me] I don't even know where to start. I've posted about this before but, well, it has become an issue again and I need to vent and get my head straight. All my life I have had issues with my emotions. From highs to lows, there was always some difficulty managing them. When I was young, I never understood what was going on. One minute I would be fine, the next minute something would set me off and I would start to cry and have an outburst, causing my teachers to send me to the principal. I never sat near other students and I always worked alone, and for the longest time I couldn't even say that I had friends. I was very frequently sad or depressed. Things, as they tend to do, got worse when I got to Middle School. I get good grades, so I was lopped in the advanced placement group, and in that group their happened to be another student (whose name I won't use for privacy reasons) that caught my eye. I believed I was in love, but of course me being the pudgy, awkward kid and she being the gorgeous "queen bee" of the whole grade, that didn't work out. A lot of this was the environment; you would think AP classes would be riddled with nerds, but mine is the opposite. It was all the pretty girls and big hunky jocks that were getting good grades, while all of my friends who were as nerdy as I were near drop-out level. For the longest time my behavior got worse. I definitely acted creepy around her, in a very cringeworthy, spaghetti-induced way. But this was only on top of the normal difficulties of Middle School, and my own social difficulties. I was frequently depressed and upset that she wouldn't like me, and my mind translated that into "nobody likes me". I spent Middle School a complete wreck. Most days I cried to much to even accomplish any work. Things did not improve during my freshman year. Quite possibly, they got worse. I continued to feel ostracized and shunned for my creepy behavior, and while this girl attempted to be nice to me, eventually it got to the point where we were not allowed to speak to each other. Once again, the days went on in misery; not because anything that particularly bad was happening in my life, but because there was a lot happening in my mind. I had elicited this behavior from myself, as the only problems I encountered were the ones I created. Sophomore year was the only year of my life where I saw improvement. I had one class with this girl, and all my others were with non-AP kids with whom I had no established reputation. For once in my life I felt fucking normal, and things seemed to be turning around. Well, all good things die eventually, and so too did my good year. I am now a junior, and its the same old shit; all of my classes are with AP kids, including this girl I have this particular obsession with. The only difference is now I understand what is happening, which I did not know in Middle School or prior. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and unfortunately my fixation was this girl I had pined over for so long. We haven't spoken in a couple of years but I still feel like shit. I know it is completely irrational to care this much about another human being but try as I might, the thoughts of her just keep rushing in. I can't do anything to stem the tide. Whenever I imagine myself explaining something to someone, it is always her. Whenever I picture how someone would react in a certain scenario, it is always her. Whenever I am sad or depressed or lonely, I imagine her being their with me. And then there is the other side. Whenever I dwell to long on these thoughts (which is every day for me), I start to get a self-depreciating thought spiral. This happened even before she was around, and it was the source of my outbursts in grade-school. It tells me things like "Your worthless and pathetic" and "nobody cares about you" and "she will never care about you" and it causes me, a 16 year old boy, to cry in front of my peers and freak out. It has only gotten worse. This tag-team of negative thoughts has clouded my mind for so long and it has ruined my life. My only solace is my computer. Sure, I have a loving family that tries to help, but in the end that just causes more chaos and pain for all of us. This computer is the only true safety blanket I have; the only place where I can truly feel like I have jurisdiction over my own mind, and even that is slowly fading. This is on top of all my other problems. I am lazy; I don't get my work done and I sit on the computer and procrastinate because, simply put, I don't want to think because I might think of her. I don't have the willpower to seek out interesting things or exercise, and I always eat to compensate for my problems, so now I am getting fat as well (and I wasn't that good looking to start with). I also have no willpower to pull myself out of this thought process and take control of my own being. I have thoughts of suicide every day, sometimes every hour. Every time I wake up I feel like I am slipping more and more. I took up drinking to try and cope, but it only helped for so long before it started to make things worse, yet I still do it. Now I entertain thoughts of jumping off the nearby highway bridge or crashing my car into an oncoming semi, and each day these thoughts get more and more potent as I find less reasons to keep on living. I have tried medication, but it hasn't helped. I have tried therapy, and it hasn't helped. My parents are angry with me over this, my school supervisor is at his wits end, and I don't know what to do anymore. My supervisor had me talk to this girl and her current boyfriend (who she has been friends with for a long time because he is the hunkiest of the AP jocks) to tell them what is going on so they know why I get so upset around them (especially when the two show affection to one another, since it triggers that response in my brain that gets me thinking about how "she will never like me") but the only thing that has done is make the thoughts of her more potent. Now all I want to do is talk to her, but rationally I know that I shouldn't. There isn't anything I could say or do to improve this situation, and there isn't anything she can say or do either. So I am stuck. She is now in love with this guy and that kills me. I always suspected they were fucking but its an official relationship now and the breakdown of ambiguity just killed me. The first time I saw them hold hands... I almost threw up, I almost killed somebody, I almost killed myself. I can't deal with it anymore. Nothing is working, and I am little more than a drain to those around me. I find no enjoyment of comfort in life, even in things that used to help me in troubled times (like this computer). On my way home from school today, I contemplated driving out into traffic, and I still don't know what stopped me. I know it is only a matter of time. We are going to switch to online schooling but that doesn't make me feel any better; that means I'm a freak who can't participate in normal school and be normal, and it also upsets the part of my brain that is worried about "never seeing her again". At this point it is only a matter of time until I snap one day and kill myself. I know it will happen eventually. My resolve will just get to the point where I have no reason to keep going anymore, and I don't know what to do to stop it, and I don't know if I want to stop it. Even as I type this I wonder whether or not I should do it...[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;46664445]I've been thinking more and more about killing myself; and I want to do it. I'm angry at myself that I can't work up the nerve to just do it. I drive away all my friends with my depression and I've got nothing that I look forward to in life aside from sitting in front of the goddamn computer. The most social interaction I get is on these forums. I just want a normal life! I want to be able to make friends and just have one day where I wake up happy. I started out this year to be a better person and I honestly think I'm worse off then I started. Just fuck! FUCK! If there was a button I could press that just instantly killed you with no pain; I'd tap that shit in a nanosecond. :suicide: EDIT: That's how I feel too, so I never initiate the conversation. Then my friends get angry at me for ignoring them :( There is never a winning move.[/QUOTE] What you are saying sounds like normal life
you know whats terrible when you're feeling terribly depressed but if you tell anybody they'll ask "what are you depressed about" and you say "well, nothing" they'll just say "why are you even sad then" so then you just have nobody to talk to about it with because even the depressed people you've talked to were depressed about [i]something[/i] so they're in the same boat as everyone else and you're sitting in a rowboat without paddles and there's a leak
welp, have a feeling I just fucked up my final paper. After I submitted it I realized I totally forgot to do one of the main things I was supposed to do. Per the professor's instruction I went and made sure all verbs are main actions, but I forgot to change the subjects into characters.... it's only one part of the many things I did but the issue is glaring and I will probably fail now because of it. The narrative flow is ruined. Oh my god HOW THE FUCK did i forget what i did???? I went through the whole paper but the issue just never popped into my head. If I hadn't procrastinated it due to depression I would have bee fine because I would have noticed it sooner. I literally realized this 5 minutes after sending the paper... if I had realized it 5 minutes before I would be fucking fine. If I don't pass this class I will be going to school for a sixth year, and this paper is 40% of the grade. I'm so fucked. I can't afford another semester. My parents won't support me. This is literally THE LAST CLASS I need to graduate and I managed to fuck it up. I can't take it in the spring because the classes are full. What am I supposed to do?
feel like I've been posting lots lately, hopefully I'm not being "bothersome". anyway, returning to a topic I've been posting about before. it's bothering me so much that I can't find a purpose for myself in the big picture. life feels like just a bunch of small events with ultimately no meaning at all. so what if you have friends, money, someone to love, and generally a great life? what's the point if there's no meaning to it afterwards? life feels comparable to F2P MMO's where you grind for the sake of grinding. there's no end goal and there's nothing to use what you achieve your stuff on. the gameplay is just based around getting bigger and badder equipment. I feel like everything I do needs a purpose in the big picture. sure, I enjoy the small things but as I've posted before, it's so temporary. it's joy that disappears the second whatever I'm doing is over. society in itself feels like a big prison. if we don't work, we're excluded and won't really be able to live a good life. feels like we're all "slaves" in a way. not only that, but to start off with standing on your own feet, you're most likely gonna have to take loans for an apartment for example. by doing that, you kinda further make yourself a "slave". you attach yourself to something for years, and if you don't pay, shit comes your way. I don't really think there is a purpose for us anymore. to begin with, like any other animal, our purpose was to survive and pass our genes on. now society puts everything on a silver plate for us. it's like playing a game on the easiest difficulty. there's no bumps you find difficult, and you'll be able to breeze to the end, aka passing your genes on. been thinking of maybe joining the military, or at least think about it. in the military I'd at least have a purpose which I feel like I desperately need.
[QUOTE=PredGD;46710362]feel like I've been posting lots lately, hopefully I'm not being "bothersome". anyway, returning to a topic I've been posting about before. it's bothering me so much that I can't find a purpose for myself in the big picture. life feels like just a bunch of small events with ultimately no meaning at all. so what if you have friends, money, someone to love, and generally a great life? what's the point if there's no meaning to it afterwards? life feels comparable to F2P MMO's where you grind for the sake of grinding. there's no end goal and there's nothing to use what you achieve your stuff on. the gameplay is just based around getting bigger and badder equipment. I feel like everything I do needs a purpose in the big picture. sure, I enjoy the small things but as I've posted before, it's so temporary. it's joy that disappears the second whatever I'm doing is over. society in itself feels like a big prison. if we don't work, we're excluded and won't really be able to live a good life. feels like we're all "slaves" in a way. not only that, but to start off with standing on your own feet, you're most likely gonna have to take loans for an apartment for example. by doing that, you kinda further make yourself a "slave". you attach yourself to something for years, and if you don't pay, shit comes your way. I don't really think there is a purpose for us anymore. to begin with, like any other animal, our purpose was to survive and pass our genes on. now society puts everything on a silver plate for us. it's like playing a game on the easiest difficulty. there's no bumps you find difficult, and you'll be able to breeze to the end, aka passing your genes on. been thinking of maybe joining the military, or at least think about it. in the military I'd at least have a purpose which I feel like I desperately need.[/QUOTE] This is somethin i kinda had to struggle with for awhile. You gotta try not to look at it with such a nihilistic attitude though. Sure, the things you do might not have a meaning afterwards. But isn't that really more reason to enjoy what you have now? Your life is the most important thing you will ever experience. The bigger picture isn't to serve some kind of worldly goal, the bigger picture is your own happiness. Another way to look at this too is that even if you don't really believe in an afterlife, your actions still do have lasting impacts. You would want to do those awesome things, you'd want to have a great life, you'd want to have lots of friends, because in the end when you're gone, those are the marks you've left on the world. You will have friends that live on after you, and will talk about you with fondness. Think about it like any famous person that's died. A lot of them are long gone, and yet their name and their face don't leave the collective memory of many people. Because of their actions, they live on in immortality. Their life impacted the world, and even if they weren't living their life to serve some ultimate higher goal, they ended up becoming people that stick around way longer than a common person will.
Application to my dream college was rejected last night. Guess I'm going to switch to my safety for Early Decision II. Feels like shit when my high school friends got in to Duke and Stanford and I can't even get waitlisted at a smaller, far less competitive school with a higher acceptance rate.
I'm typing this on a phone so I'm sorry for any errors, please bare with me. I'm in a bit of a situation where I need some advice. I'll tell the back story before I ask what needs to be asked, because the back story is very vital. A few months back, there was a girl in my college classes we'll call Catherine. Now I'm in my second and final year of the college course and so is she, and she was in my first year classes too. Because the people in the classes were changed, me and my friend were the only people she knew, so she started going to lunch which us on our break. She was, frankly, rather grating on my nerves though. She constantly talked shit about two friends of mine and it really bothered me, but I said nothing of it and just ignored it. Then, after a one week break away from college, she starts ignoring me and my friend, avoiding us wherever she can. Okay, whatever, I tell her she's still free to come to lunch with us as she pleases, just to be friendly. Now at some point (no idea exactly when) I say to my friend "women can be such pains" in jest. Nothing meant by it, but she's taken it as a personal attack. She only recently reported this to the college however, meaning now I'm under "investigation" for "bullying". Two people within the college took me into a classroom to talk to me about it, as you'd expect. However, in that room I broke down in tears. Why? I was treated more like dirt than anything else. I was not given a chance to speak my side of the story, or to have a person come in to back my claims and represent me. I was guilty until proven innocent and backed into a corner without being given a fair chance to speak at all. They also claimed they have someone who said I was talking shit about her, but they refused to tell me what was said specifically when I asked, despite the fact I haven't spoken ill of her at all. This has completely flipped me on my head. I have trouble feeling safe and calm in the college now because being around her is walking on egg shells, anything she reports me for can get me kicked out the college right away. I can no longer trust these two people in the college, because I did have a high opinion of them before and trusted them a lot, but I feel more threatened now than anything else. I even took a day off college because I knew it was only going to be me, her and her friends in the class, meaning I have nobody to back me up if she reports me. The event has severely affected me. I find it hard to feel safe in the college, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, I feel very uncomfortable when around the people involved. It's even affected me at home, I've had trouble sleeping since the encounter and I've been very very irate recently which is something I don't want so close to Christmas. I honestly cannot trust most of the college staff the same way anymore. This whole scenario has left me feeling like shit. I feel helpless and uncomfortable and very very crappy. There needs to be another meeting, this time between me, HR and another person. When I was on the way to this meeting, I couldn't help but shake. I was shaking and close to tears, because I didn't feel like I could handle it at all. The meeting was called off but I've realised that now I need someone from the student union with me to back me up when the meeting happens, in case something bad happens. But my question is this: now you know what has happened and how I feel now, should I take the advice of my relatives and see a doctor about being depressed if these feelings continue past December? Being unable to sleep is hard enough thanks to how I feel, and because of how often this all plays with my mind it just seems to stay with me. What should I do? Should I see a doctor about this? What should I do? Please help me
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