• Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V5
    5,025 replies, posted
I feel utterly alone a lot of the time because I have trouble making meaningful contact with other people. I have been alone for a few months, since school started. I still go home everyday, but I absolutely crave somebody elses care, but at the same time I fight myself by isolating myself from others, and when I do put myself out there, the anxiety kicks in, I don't know what to say, don't know what to do (although I do and the anxiety feels like its just holding me back) and most of the time when i'm walking somewhere, I feel so awkward walking, and just feel uncomfortable. I scape my feet and my body language is awkward. The only time I feel generally free is when I have a little bit of alcohol. The first time I ever drank it was an experience because it was like there was nothing holding me back, no anxiety. But I know at the same time I can't really rely on that. Also I don't know how far this anxiety goes, how bad it actually is. But I am fairly certain it's there. The loneliness is unbearable, it fucking sucks. Also i'm pretty sure it's a chemical thing because some days I can walk fine while still thinking about it, noting how i'm able to walk fine, while other days it's so fucking difficult to walk down a street without constantly thinking about how awkward I look. If I didn't give a shit I would be perfectly fine. Like those days where i'm fine, or I had a little drink, i'm pretty well off, and I feel fairly good. The rest of the time, i'm in a miserable loop that I desperately want to get out of. Another thing that doesn't help is I have to commute, so I don't really get to stay on campus for activities. I want to move out desperately, but they won't let me. I don't have the money, and they want to keep me there. I don't know what to do about that either. Also another thing i've noticed is sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like I look shit, then proceed to feel more anxiety, but then when I check the mirror about 10 minutes later, I magically look better, which is weird. One time I noted this, so I said, "This could all be in your head" so I went to the bathroom as I had checked the mirror and I felt I looked like shit, ready to take a picture, but when I looked in the mirror, I looked fine. I still took the picture, which I looked at, and it looked ugly. There are pictures I have taken where I thought I looked good in, and now they look bad, and pictures that I thought I looked extremely bad in, but looked good now.
[QUOTE=Psych+;52823154]Is there an on-campus counseling office available to you? I had pretty good success using it when I was struggling my senior year of college. It's short-term most likely but it's just a better opportunity to vent to someone who doesn't know you on the level of a family doctor. Also, first semesters--hell the first year--of college is always difficult. Don't think you can't crawl out of this whole because you can. Take your meds, seek out counseling and see what happens. You have winter break approaching to pull yourself together.[/QUOTE] There is, yeah; have just had trouble finding an opportunity to see them. And thanks. [editline]26th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Swaggernaut;52822171]Hey you in Ontario too?? My college also went on strike last week regarding the college workers not getting paid well or whatever. Regarding your situation, I felt the same way. I stupidly missed 2 big tests because I was burnt out one day and forgot we had it and coffee spilled in my bad so I had to go back and and dry up everything rather than let my self and laptop get soaked in coffee. Within these weeks though, I've managed to force myself to finish my assignments and work on some personal projects as well. Even got a part time job which I'm really loving so far! Can I ask what you are studying in game design? More 3D or programming or animation?[/QUOTE] Yeah, I'm at Fanshawe. More interested in the 3D stuff, though first year isn't terribly focused on anything; took Computer Science at the University of Windsor before this, but found that while I liked programming, I was getting frustrated and anxious without doing any art stuff and it wasn't hands-on enough for me
Since I had terrible experiences with SSRIs, my therapist has replaced it with a different type, this time with SNRIs (Duloxetine). Does anyone have any experience with this type? I'm always nervous trying out new medications, especially with my anxiety and bad experience from my last try, but since this is from a different class, it should go well. I've read it also helps with nerve pain (peripheral neuropathy) which I have been having for quite a long time. What I notice is that once I have been diagnosed with GAD, I felt relieved in a way. Like I know what's going on, so it is somewhat more bearable to control, at least to an extent. Before that I kept having panic attacks and been freaking out because I was both on calcium/magnesium suppliments and beta blockers for my high blood pressure (which I still need to take for quite a while) and wasn't sure why it kept happening. Usually vitamin deficiencies used to do it for me, but not this time. Also was at a job fair today, hoping to find a suitable job to change my daily routine from doing freelance to walk to my job, which for me are usually in a different city, so taking train rides will be common routine. I noticed that having a work life and personal life merged can really tend to workaholism (not having a separate office to keep the two apart). That's a routine I'm willing to take, even if it's requires me to wake up earlier if it's for the sake of well being.
[QUOTE=atrblizzard;52824225]Since I had terrible experiences with SSRIs, my therapist has replaced it with a different type, this time with SNRIs (Duloxetine). Does anyone have any experience with this type? I'm always nervous trying out new medications, especially with my anxiety and bad experience from my last try, but since this is from a different class, it should go well. I've read it also helps with nerve pain (peripheral neuropathy) which I have been having for quite a long time. What I notice is that once I have been diagnosed with GAD, I felt relieved in a way. Like I know what's going on, so it is somewhat more bearable to control, at least to an extent. Before that I kept having panic attacks and been freaking out because I was both on calcium/magnesium suppliments and beta blockers for my high blood pressure (which I still need to take for quite a while) and wasn't sure why it kept happening. Usually vitamin deficiencies used to do it for me, but not this time. Also was at a job fair today, hoping to find a suitable job to change my daily routine from doing freelance to walk to my job, which for me are usually in a different city, so taking train rides will be common routine. I noticed that having a work life and personal life merged can really tend to workaholism (not having a separate office to keep the two apart). That's a routine I'm willing to take, even if it's requires me to wake up earlier if it's for the sake of well being.[/QUOTE] So, with any new drug, you want to take it as prescribed, and report any side effects you have. If you start having any form of suicidal/homicidal thoughts then you need to report those IMMEDIATELY. Generally speaking you should probably have lab work done as well, to make sure that you're not lacking in electrolytes/minerals/vitamins (though it sounds like you already had those done). Just relax about the meds, if you start having a bad time then report it and don't take it, there are plenty of meds out there, and not everything works with everyone. Might I suggest injecting some exercise into your day (assuming you have time). I have GAD and working out around 30 minutes a day, and changing my diet up a bit really helped knock it back down, to the point that I didn't even need meds anymore.
It appears everything has come to a halt in my life. University plans are being delayed, the school year isn't going nearly as fast as people speculated, and, worst of all, I've lost all drive. I've posted elsewhere on Facepunch that I've recently distanced myself from my "friends" ever since realising how insanely conniving they all are. The problem? I'm essentially all alone and that, combined with the fact everything else in my life feels like a tedious chore that drags, is taking a toll on me but I'm not sure to what extent. I saw someone use the word 'limbo' earlier and I feel like it explains my situation - nothing is going forwards nor backwards. The weirdest part is that I'm not sad about it, not in the slightest. I'm completely neutral about it all, as though this is typical Friday behaviour that I've come to expect. There's no motivation, just a feeling of almost boredom, with absolutely everything I do. Eating feels like a chore, responding to people tires me out and directly socialising can actually drain me. I'm not trying to jump on a wagon of "I'M DEPRESSED!" because I've witnessed far too many people self-diagnose themselves, only to be told that they couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just unhappy with how quickly I've become accustomed to being unhappy, if that makes sense, but I'm not one to inquire, in case it appears I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. In a way, I think I'm just talking aloud.
So one of the first things the psychiatrist said in our first meeting was that it doesn't sound like I'm depressed, just stressed... What?
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52824848]So one of the first things the psychiatrist said in our first meeting was that it doesn't sound like I'm depressed, just stressed... What?[/QUOTE] Maybe they're saying that the root cause of your issue is stress, vs depression.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825061]Maybe they're saying that the root cause of your issue is stress, vs depression.[/QUOTE] All I had said at that point was that right now I was going through something, and then she jumped onto that as everything causing me problems. When it's been years of constant problems with other causes that I've never been able to deal with. [editline]27th October 2017[/editline] The lowness I'm going through right this second is NOT stress related in anyway.
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52825101]All I had said at that point was that right now I was going through something, and then she jumped onto that as everything causing me problems. When it's been years of constant problems with other causes that I've never been able to deal with. [editline]27th October 2017[/editline] The lowness I'm going through right this second is NOT stress related in anyway.[/QUOTE] What are you hoping to gain from seeing your psychiatrist? Therapy? Meds? I'm asking because my advice will change depending on what you're really looking for out of a psychiatrist.
On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.
I kind of feel like my life is pointless. My job makes me miserable. But I don't have much of a real choice because the other option is not have enough money to survive. My long distance bf keeps assuring me that moving to him (Cambrige, Mass.) is a good idea and that the TSA is a good paying job. Problem is, that would make me feel even more worthless and pointless. TSA don't actually make anyone safer, and I wouldn't be making anything physical like I do now, just making people miserable. Not to mention that I don't really do well around people, much less having to touch them. I'm trying to move out around Feb which I can if I keep this job as I have for 4 years. But I don't know if I'll be happy. My other plans that might of made me happier are looking shaky so I've fallen back on moving out locally. My job has stressed me out and made me miserable that what I like doing, I can't really bring myself to do. I wish I could do what I like as a job, but due to lack of connections, my social ineptitude, and tendancy to have meltdowns, it can't support me. The person I was going to plan on moving in with me has shown to be unable to control themselves emotionally and I put that plan on hold indefinately until they sort themselves out. Because I can't take the stress of someone else being emotional and upset. Right now, it looks like being alone is the only option left for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and honestly I don't know if it's going to get any better. I don't know, I guess I'm just whining. That's all I'm usally doing. That's what everyone says I'm doing. That it's just my stupid fucking fault things are the way they are. I don't know why I tell anyone. I don't even know if it makes any difference. Maybe I'm just lying. Everyone has always said I always lie. I don't tell the truth. I can't be trusted. I don't trust my own thoughts. I don't believe myself. No one has believed me. I just assume everyone else is right, because apparently they are. They always have been. And I get angry at people because they trick and backstab me, but I guess I deserve it anyways. I don't know why people expect me to do the right thing if all I ever do is fuck up. I don't make good choices. I don't make sound choices to begin with because to think means to freeze indefinately. So I rely on impulse because it's the only way I get things done. Or just simply zone out and stop thinking entirely. Why am I even bothering with this? What good is this going to do? Why is it when something good is about to happen...at least it feels like it's good, everything just fucking falls apart? Does some fucking enity out there just want to see me suffer? It's why I don't believe in God either. If he really is all powerful and loving and in control of everything ,he's doing a fucking shitty job. I'm afraid of living on my own. It's difficult to do anything, I seem to be having more and more trouble controlling myself. I don't know. I can't stop editing this post and rambling more. I don't know why.
[QUOTE=RoboChimp;52825836]On the positive side, I have some friends and people on here don't flat out reject me despite mistakes of the past.[/QUOTE] that is such a nice feeling, when you're alone and feel like you've got nothing and a friend manages to get through to you and save you from yourself
[QUOTE=mdeceiver79;52826591]that is such a nice feeling, when you're alone and feel like you've got nothing and a friend manages to get through to you and save you from yourself[/QUOTE] It's a really nice feeling helping someone pull through and seeing them be happy again. I really enjoy doing it. Although I've had a lot of issues with people treating me like their personal therapist and/or dumping their life on me every day with no regard towards my own feelings. Outside of my close friends, I consider myself very lucky if I get a "How are you?".
[QUOTE=The golden;52826688]It's a really nice feeling helping someone pull through and seeing them be happy again. I really enjoy doing it. Although I've had a lot of issues with people treating me like their personal therapist and/or dumping their life on me every day with no regard towards my own feelings. Outside of my close friends, I consider myself very lucky if I get a "How are you?".[/QUOTE] You've established yourself as a rock in peoples lives, a golden lighthouse on the hill. I think its realistic to only expect that sort of help/attentiveness from close friends - which isn't a bad thing, gotta consider that maybe people think you got it all sorted out and aren't aware of your issues, or they're too deeply engulfed by their own life that they can't see whats going on around them. Personally I'd find being obliged to/spend sufficient time with more than a few people a huge burden, feeling like if you didn't reply to them you'd be letting them down or making them feel ignored, its hard enough for me and I don't have that many people.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52824341]So, with any new drug, you want to take it as prescribed, and report any side effects you have. If you start having any form of suicidal/homicidal thoughts then you need to report those IMMEDIATELY. Generally speaking you should probably have lab work done as well, to make sure that you're not lacking in electrolytes/minerals/vitamins (though it sounds like you already had those done). Just relax about the meds, if you start having a bad time then report it and don't take it, there are plenty of meds out there, and not everything works with everyone. Might I suggest injecting some exercise into your day (assuming you have time). I have GAD and working out around 30 minutes a day, and changing my diet up a bit really helped knock it back down, to the point that I didn't even need meds anymore.[/QUOTE] I guess you're right, I should just take it easy and see how things go with this med. That's what I did with the last one, seen it made things much worse so I reported it and was told to stop taking them, so they were now replaced with SNRIs instead. I'm currently uninsured now, hoping after I get a job soon I'll look into having more lab work done just to be on the safe side. Probably would be better if I take it easy with working out for now, at least until I see how the meds progress over these few weeks, but after that sure.
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52825775]What are you hoping to gain from seeing your psychiatrist? Therapy? Meds? I'm asking because my advice will change depending on what you're really looking for out of a psychiatrist.[/QUOTE] Therapy and some semblance of what's actually wrong with me. I have meds already and they're barely doing anything (though my dose is going to be increased)
The past two days I've been engulfed in Stellaris and I've felt better with my self as a result - but as soon as I decide to quit for the day its as if nothing has changed. I don't expect that games will heal my head in any way but I do expect some temporary relief. I've had a good time, so shouldn't I be content for at least a short while? That is just one of many similar situations. I try to find ways to distract myself, either by being productive (chores etc) or seeking out entertainment. I usually feel somewhat okay during these activities but as soon as I feel done with whatever, its back to that dull state of mind. It makes me wonder, how do others deal with this? Is this something everyone is challenged with or is this a problem reserved for those who already struggle with mental illness? How do you deal with this?
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52828014]Therapy and some semblance of what's actually wrong with me. I have meds already and they're barely doing anything (though my dose is going to be increased)[/QUOTE] What meds are you taking, if you don't mind me asking, and what dosages? As for your goals, next time you visit, make your goals clear, tell your doc exactly what you're hoping to accomplish. That'll help them narrow down what to do. Is this a new doctor you're seeing, or have you seen them in the past?
[QUOTE=ilikecorn;52828638]What meds are you taking, if you don't mind me asking, and what dosages? As for your goals, next time you visit, make your goals clear, tell your doc exactly what you're hoping to accomplish. That'll help them narrow down what to do. Is this a new doctor you're seeing, or have you seen them in the past?[/QUOTE] Venlafaxine, 75mg a day. It's a psychiatrist I've only had one meeting with, and I'll be getting a phone call within the next week about what we're going to do
[QUOTE=TheCactusman;52829272]Venlafaxine, 75mg a day. It's a psychiatrist I've only had one meeting with, and I'll be getting a phone call within the next week about what we're going to do[/QUOTE] Ok, so on your next meeting, make your goals clear. Is your end goal to be off medication entirely? Or are you looking to manage your symptoms better? If your doc is anywhere near competent they'll listen to what you have to say and form a proper treatment plan to help you accomplish those goals.
I'm starting to realise that in life, you can't plan out a fantasy and put effort into one thing to make the fantasy come true, you just have to be prepared for things. I just have to put a shit tonne of work into something, then put a shit tonne of work into something, then keep going until something is successful. While this seems true to me, as a bit of a control freak, I don't like that fact that's the case. It makes it seems like life will never be the way I want it to be, acceptance seems fucking hard, all I can do is keep working on things and putting effort into projects and hope life will reach acceptable limits. I find that the more I get jealous of other people, the more I fantasise. I would love for my life to be like it is in my head, an entrepreneur with a heaps of successful pursuits, living in a nice house with a wife I actually love, but the cold hard truth is that it ain't gonna happen. Life is only ever going to be how is and I have to accept it, despite the fact that I don't really like it all, I mean, acceptance is the mature attitude to have, but it's very difficult to look at things from this point in time and see that the future (with a little effort) is going to be better despite the fact it won't be the way I'd like it to, in other words, it's hard to view anything outside of what a know now as 'good' or that I will like what the future holds for me. But the thing is, if I do nothing, the undesirable effects of life will catch up with me. A little bit of ADD means that I have a tonne of unfinished projects, as soon as try to work on one, I realise another hasn't been finished and I start working on the one I'm least interested in and then give and start a new project. So I need to finish something, but I've got no idea which is going to be beneficial. I'd love to finished them all, but I have to pick the ones which are going to lead to something.
Honestly I am starting to hate being around people who have their stuff together, it just reminds me more and more of some of the things I lack. I try pretty hard not to show it but sometimes all I want to do is tell them to fuck off so I can go be alone. I also cant seem to shake the notion that im just being melodramatic because in some twisted way I want to be feeling like this. It would be nice to see somebody and actually find out if all of this is caused by a real problem I have or if this is just life, but the only way I think that wouldnt fuck up everything right now is if I could go without anyone else ever knowing.
[QUOTE=mecaguy03;52831807]Honestly I am starting to hate being around people who have their stuff together, it just reminds me more and more of some of the things I lack. I try pretty hard not to show it but sometimes all I want to do is tell them to fuck off so I can go be alone. I also cant seem to shake the notion that im just being melodramatic because in some twisted way I want to be feeling like this. It would be nice to see somebody and actually find out if all of this is caused by a real problem I have or if this is just life, but the only way I think that wouldnt fuck up everything right now is if I could go without anyone else ever knowing.[/QUOTE] As a depression sufferer myself I can relate to what you are saying. First, I would say No to comparing yourself to others, and just be the awesome person you are, regardless of whether you have your stuff together or not. Second, to the last sentence in your post, I watched a TED Talk yesterday that I would highly recommend watching it just for your sort of reply. [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBUcBfkVCo[/url] I think it answers the question you asked.
Does anyone ever have problems buying clothes? I know this is going to sound really negative from my part, but I feel that most clothing stores I visit are aimed towards people who actually love themselves and don't have insecurities or mental problems that prevent them from looking at themselves in a mirror or a picture and feel alright with who they are. I don't feel alright with how I look like or who I am, so I never go to expensive stores and always avoid mirrors or seeing myself. I shop at discount stores and mid-range stores because they are always empty and they always sell plain looking clothes. I mean, here you just find normal looking clothes that won't grab people's attention but still look decent enough to wear outside, which is the kind of thing that I look for. When I'm outside I always feel paranoid of people judging me or paying attention to how I look like, so I always try to wear gray/black or neutral colors to avoid receiving attention.
[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;52835064]Does anyone ever have problems buying clothes? I know this is going to sound really negative from my part, but I feel that most clothing stores I visit are aimed towards people who actually love themselves and don't have insecurities or mental problems that prevent them from looking at themselves in a mirror or a picture and feel alright with who they are. I don't feel alright with how I look like or who I am, so I never go to expensive stores and always avoid mirrors or seeing myself. I shop at discount stores and mid-range stores because they are always empty and they always sell plain looking clothes. I mean, here you just find normal looking clothes that won't grab people's attention but still look decent enough to wear outside, which is the kind of thing that I look for. When I'm outside I always feel paranoid of people judging me or paying attention to how I look like, so I always try to wear gray/black or neutral colors to avoid receiving attention.[/QUOTE] I don't particularly enjoy looking at myself either. I tend to buy clothes only when I absolutely need them. Though, I don't buy dark clothes so as to avoid making my fat-ness obvious. My motivation for buying clothes from cheap stores is purely economics, though. Although, my sense of style is garbage, I have been stopped from leaving the house several times because I was 'too 90s'. Also, most people are so obsessed over themselves to the point they have no attention span left to focus on you, don't worry about wearing brighter colors.
[QUOTE=_charon;52823617]There is, yeah; have just had trouble finding an opportunity to see them. And thanks. [editline]26th October 2017[/editline] Yeah, I'm at Fanshawe. More interested in the 3D stuff, though first year isn't terribly focused on anything; took Computer Science at the University of Windsor before this, but found that while I liked programming, I was getting frustrated and anxious without doing any art stuff and it wasn't hands-on enough for me[/QUOTE] Nice, I'm at centennial doing software engineering tech. My main passion is 3D, but just hearing about how competitive the job market is with it I'd rather keep it as a hobby and build a safety net for myself. Luckily we're on facepunch, so we got lots of resources to make mods for games, fanart etc. Steam workshop was what first got me into it, and it branched into this big part of my life. Highly recommend you get into the steam workshop for 3D as it's really fun, can help you work on your portfolio and can possibly get you some money on the side.
I can't stop losing my shit and being angry at things that I can't change. It just kills me more inside to know it hurts people I care about and love. It's even worse that I feel I am becoming a carbon copy of my abusive father. I'm fine one minute and it's like a switch and suddenly things are the worst they could ever be. I have no idea why and I want it to stop, I threatened to kill somebody and I don't even feel it was myself who did that, I broke down and started to cry after - compounded by this coming a day after the two best days of the year for me do far I just feel terrible that I make people who I care and love so much angry and sad. Perhaps it's just better off if I don't get involved in what they do which results in being the trigger almost for all my anger and pain. Yeah I could talk to people about it but at this point they must just be sick of hearing me rant and rave when they have their perfect lives to live. Perfect in comparison to mine anyway. It could always be worse yes, I have to stop myself from making it worse, I need serious help yet I don't know what to do.
im running on fumes. the last few months of my life has been constantly taking care of my mom who is suffering from chronic pain in her jaw and neck. I feel like I have to put everything I want to do, and my whole life on the backburner because of her needs. I feel guilty going out without her because she always complains about how she hates staying in but she's basically physically incapable of doing anything that lasts longer than half an hour on her feet, she can barely even ride in a car for longer than half an hour. She's spent the last 5 months on my couch despite the fact that she has an apartment in the same building, and she very rarely leaves and gives me alone time. I've had to pretty much adjust every part of my life to include my mom because her physical state has gone so downhill, and I feel like it's affecting everything. I feel like I need to drop out of school for her needs, and I feel like I can't succeed in school because I'm so depressed from being around her all the time. She's constantly depressed, and lately she has been constantly talking about how much her life sucks and how much she wants to kill herself, and as someone who occasionally gets suicidal thoughts this is playing hell on my emotions and general mood. I'm finding it difficult to control myself and get work done and I regularly feel hopeless, and as if nothing is ever going to get better. Every time she gets a treatment that works she becomes deeply depressed and irritated if it stops making her feel better after some time and I don't know how long this is gonna last, but i'm afraid of losing myself to her illness. I just want to feel like I'm in control of my own life again, like I can wake up and make a decision without having to worry about my depressed sickly mother
Gonna attempt to talk to my doctor. My boss is just completely breaking me down mentally
Does anybody here have experience with prozac? Not sure if it's the medication/anxiety talking but I have this severe sense of dread that I can't shake off. Like the type that makes you throw up. I don't think I'm gonna stick with one, but I'm running out of options to try.
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