TF2 Hat Describing Contest #2

[dolphin]

On August 24, 2010 the TF2 team announced the TF2 Hat Describing competition in a blog post. The object of the contest was to allow members of the community to write descriptions for the various in-game items and hats available at the time. Now the reaching the end of 2013 we currently have numerous un-described cosmetics. The goal of this thread is to come up with a creative description to ALL (most) of the un-described cosmetics and then show Valve our great descriptions we came up with then hope that they put them onto the items.

Examples:

[B]Hound's Hood[/B]
[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/6/62/Backpack_Hound%27s_Hood.png/90px-Backpack_Hound%27s_Hood.png?t=20131029221419[/IMG]
"Ma, this is who I am..."

[B]Accursed Apparition[/B]
[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/8/84/Backpack_Accursed_Apparition.png/90px-Backpack_Accursed_Apparition.png?t=20131029221205[/IMG]
"A lost soul from a lost time, doomed to wander the earth forever! That is, until it found you! Now it's content to follow you around. Hooray." - contributed by Donhonk

[Outro-intro]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/9/93/RED_Magical_Mercenary.png?t=20131109121423[/t]

"Controversy comes in many forms, whether it be spanking your child or impersonating another ethnic group, but now with this amazing invention straight out of mare .co, you won't even have to lift a finger! With this new invention, you can induce all forms of rage (and praise from some.) with nothing but your headpiece! You and your rage-inducing hat are going places buddy!"

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/e/ea/Backpack_Hong_Kong_Cone.png?t=20131010230049[/t]

"Be it traffic cone or dunce cone, this magnificent cone salutes the brave people who don pointy hats on their heads, not because they have to, but because they want to, they sacrifice their social lives to look beautiful. (at least they think so.)"

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/d/d2/Backpack_Hurt_Locher.png?t=20131010230109[/t]

"Demo loves to detonate his wee bombs, but he hates when people stereotype him as a "knight" or a "pirate" and especially hates being stereotyped as a "Scotsman." He wants to be known as a demolition expert, not a party favor! That's why when anyone calls him a name like previously mentioned, he goes into the resupply room locker area and straps this suit on and tells them: "How'd I get here?" Because in the end, Demo's a drunk and he'll wear anything."

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/7/73/Backpack_Frenchman%27s_Formals.png?t=20131010230023[/t]

"What is a spy? A miserable little pile of invisibility and disguises. Have at you! With this beautiful bloodsuckers vest!"

[Cape]

I for one enjoy Valve's excessively long descriptions, here's one that sprang to mind.

[img]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/f/fa/Backpack_Birdie_Bonnet.png/90px-Backpack_Birdie_Bonnet.png?t=20131029225016[/img]

[QUOTE]The chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus) is a domesticated fowl, a subspecies of the Red Junglefowl. As one of the most common and widespread domestic animals with a population of more than 24 billion in 2003, there are more chickens in the world than any other species of bird. Humans keep chickens primarily as a source of food, consuming both their meat and their eggs. This is what it would look like as a hat. Bagawk. [/QUOTE]

[Outro-intro]

I've got even more!

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/f/fb/Backpack_Chicken_Kiev.png?t=20131029221605[/t]

"Heavy loves to eat sandvich, but sometimes sandvich does not want to comply and breaks to crumbs in heavies hands. Fortunately, medic solve problem by giving heavy bird head. Now heavy can pick at crumbs he drops at a total of 15pm's (Pecks per minute.) Who needs big stupid mouth anymore?"

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/1/10/Backpack_Slick_Cut.png?t=20131010230014[/t]

"Unlike most mullets that follow the typical "Business in front, party in the back" style, this mullet is a TRUE work of art. Manufactured right in Rottenberg, Germany, this one of a kind mullet says: sophistication in the front, desperation in the back, corporate espionage on the right side, lady-swooner on the left side, and all around: horrible, horrible, dandruff."

[dolphin]

These are awesome Outro, sadly the Hurt Locher already has a description, I like yours soo much better.

[Tangerine]

[img]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/5/52/RED_Industrial_Festivizer.png/95px-RED_Industrial_Festivizer.png?t=20120416180243[/img]

"Putting Christmas lights on a hat is the brightest idea yet!"

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/7/7a/RED_D%C3%A9tective_Noir.png/95px-RED_D%C3%A9tective_Noir.png?t=20120320013217[/IMG]

"Waiting eagerly in the dimly-lit alleyway stood the Boston native, clutching a brightly-colored briefcase in his right hand. Lurking in the shadows was the chain-smoking detective, aiming a revolver and smoking a cigarette. Three high-caliber bullets punctured the young man's chest. It was the crooked cop's own son, now lying in a pool of his own blood on the concrete. "Touche," the detective said for no apparent reason."

[Sliferjam Jones]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/b/b8/Backpack_Cap%27n_Calamari.png?t=20131029221346[/t]
So it turns out that the Curse of the Disgruntled Sushi Chef was real. Who would have thought that all you had to do to get face-tentacles was insult an ancient Japanese chef's rice wine?

Or alternative wording to clarify:
"all you had to do to get face-tentacles was insult [I]the potency of[/I] an ancient Japanese chef's rice wine?"
Because of the low alcohol content. Might add a bit more character.

[Outro-intro]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/7/7a/Backpack_Pirate_Bandana.png?t=20131010230118[/t]

"We here at mann. co are usually creative and witty with our hats and their wacky alliterative names, but we here at mann. co aren't naming geniuses, sometimes we must be seriously blunt and to the point: This is a pirates bandanna. You can use it to impersonate a pirate. If you dare impersonate anything not involving the pirating seal of approval while wearing this hat, we will sue you out the ass for all you've got."

I can poop these out all day.

[old_gus]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/4/4c/Backpack_Hidden_Dragon.png?t=20131029220306[/T]

Years of reading numerous crime fiction novellas and being subject to a plethora of wuxia films can take a toll on a man's eyes, but kung phooey to your eye doctor and his eyeglasses!
Embrace sudden onset nearsightedness by not seeing anything at all!

[dolphin]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/7/72/Backpack_Faux_Manchu.png?t=20131029220231[/IMG]

"Mustache [B]wax on[/B], now you better not [B]wax off[/B]! It's tough keeping this stache in place while rocket jumping all over!"

[Outro-intro]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/0/09/Backpack_Unidentified_Following_Object.png?t=20131029222330[/t]

"A small adventurer with a big heart from the planet X-4218, he was sent by his people to investigate why on planet earth would people spend thousands of dollars on flaming hats and golden cooking utensils."

[cpubasic13]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/9/92/Item_icon_Sprinting_Cephalopod.png/75px-Item_icon_Sprinting_Cephalopod.png?t=20131030141139[/IMG]

I know what you are inking: this is a squiddle suspicious, but nobody suspects a thing.

[Cyanidious]

[img_thumb]http://i.imgur.com/PfzdVsN.png[/img_thumb]
First:
Disclaimer: This hat does not, in any way, shape, or form. Protect you from the Plague.

Second:
[I]As seen on the Man here
In Gravel pits the doctor appears
When their patients called
In places where the Plague appalled
This mask sleek, bright, and new
Made by Mann co. with a distinctive lack of hue
Their Hats and miscs are designed
With Mediguns and Bonesaws all lined
Pray to Hippocrates to do no harm
For the doctor man is alarmed
The bonesaw in hand is not for show
For it digs deep where'er it goes[/I]

[dolphin]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/b/b6/RED_Carouser%27s_Capotain.png/95px-RED_Carouser%27s_Capotain.png?t=20120227214130[/IMG]
"The whole town now thinks he be a wicked witch! -and he shall be hung! Now I can can shag thy wife freely."

[vnc]

[IMG]http://media.steampowered.com/apps/440/icons/stunt_helmet_large.c1a5a6da54d1abd8e3d21cc48c59afb2eca320c2.png[/IMG]
Normal stunt actors wear these helmets in order to prevent brain damage. Demoman wears it to prevent [I]further[/I] brain damage.

[editline]now[/editline]
[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/4/45/Backpack_Jumper%27s_Jeepcap.png?t=20110624034301[/IMG]
Death from above.

[Giggle]

I love pyro as a whole, character and gameplay-wise, so have my dump of descriptions :

[URL="http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/PY-40_Incinibot"]P4-YO Incibot[/URL]
"[I]For all your disc burning needs[/I]"

[URL="http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Cotton_Head"]Cotton Head[/URL]
"[I]With this hat, the flame's going to last a lot longer than 30 seconds[/I]"

[URL="http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Beast_From_Below"]Beast From Below[/URL]
"[I]The H stands for Huddah[/I]"

[URL="http://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Handhunter"]Handhunter[/URL]
"[I]Because instead of heads, hands wont talk back.[/I]"

[Outro-intro]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/6/66/Backpack_Fancy_Dress_Uniform.png?t=20110624031858[/t]

"Though the name mentions the word dress the soldier would like you to believe it is %100 percent NOT a dress, but when in reality he doesn't want to admit that a Polish women knitted it out of her dress for him during the time he went on his Nazi killing spree during world war 2. Or as soldier calls it: "The big ka-blammo 2: Berlinic boogaloo."

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/6/6e/Backpack_Horsemann%27s_Hand-Me-Down.png?t=20131029221900[/t]

"Growing up with an un-dead brother with pumpkins for brains is no fun; he's constantly rummaging through your spellbooks and always claiming territories in the haunted mansion. But the worse part of it all was getting passed down his stinky, putrid, clothing! Take this smelly cape that was handed down to HHH's younger brother: Puny Pitiful Poniless Pumpkin Patrick, before his mom sells it in the grave-yard sale!"

[VernoGuy]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/a/a5/Painted_Hyperbaric_Bowler_UNPAINTED.png/74px-Painted_Hyperbaric_Bowler_UNPAINTED.png?t=20131108123342[/t]

Like planets, brains exposed to light grow much better then those without exposure. Buy a full trepanation now and get a lobotomy half-off!

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/e/e3/Item_icon_Terrier_Trousers.png/100px-Item_icon_Terrier_Trousers.png?t=20131030144201[/t]

You'll be so fast in these, you will be able to catch your tail.
Give cars and mailmen a run for their money with these synthetic dog legs.

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/0/0c/Item_icon_Bozo%27s_Brogues.png/100px-Item_icon_Bozo%27s_Brogues.png?t=20131030144722[/t]

Every step you take may be noisy, but who would expect a clown to be a killer?

[vnc]

As much as I'd like to see the Halloween items have descriptions, I think there's too many of them for that :/

[KleinerHl]

-snip-

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/c/c3/Backpack_Parasight.png?t=20131029223912[/t]

Here's what this Demoman have that the other hatless Demoman don't, depth perception.

[StormBlink]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/b/b8/Sultan%27s_Ceremonial.png/250px-Sultan%27s_Ceremonial.png?t=20111214111110[/IMG]

[I]Rule the Arab sands, Predict the Future, Grant Wishes, Smuggle Booze into the Theater. This hat has it all.[/I]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/d/d2/Grease_Monkey.png/250px-Grease_Monkey.png?t=20131108174111[/IMG]

[I]You maniacs! You went and sapped it! Damn you, Damn you all to hell![/I]

Alt: [I]They say that scientists are still looking for the missing link in our past. Clearly they never see your ugly mug on the battlefield.[/I]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/1/12/Foul_Cowl.png/250px-Foul_Cowl.png?t=20131101123337[/IMG]

[I]I vant to sap vour Sentry![/I]

[donutbigpoland]

[img]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/5/5c/El_Jefe.png/250px-El_Jefe.png?t=20111123132215[/img]

Be like a Revolutionary, Ernesto "Che" Guevara![Revolution not included]

[Deodorant]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/b/b8/Backpack_Cap%27n_Calamari.png/90px-Backpack_Cap%27n_Calamari.png?t=20131029221346[/IMG]
"Ach! Me noggin's R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

[StormBlink]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/1/1a/Dr._Whoa.png/250px-Dr._Whoa.png?t=20111124060054[/IMG]

[I]Made from the finest Clothity-Wothity you can Findidy-Windidy[/I]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/7/7b/Larrikin_Robin.png/250px-Larrikin_Robin.png?t=20111213033348[/IMG]

[I]Steal from the rich and give to yourself. You worked your arse off for this, It's yours.[/I]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/d/d2/Milkman.png/250px-Milkman.png?t=20120211130611[/IMG]

[I]Got Milk?[/I]

Alt: [I]Cream the competition, Butter them up for a beat down and milk their efforts dry as you show them the Milkman only needs to knock once[/I]

[Spectre1406]

-snip-

[Radaghast]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/a/ae/Backpack_Horrific_Head_of_Hare.png?t=20131029215126[/t]
[I]Hey Doc, I'm late [/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/8/80/Lo-Grav_Loafers.png?t=20131106213754[/T]
[I]That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mannco[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/d/d6/Teutonkahmun.png?t=20131106213753[/T]
[I]Râ-toberfest ![/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/2/27/Monstrous_Mandible.png?t=20131108180428[/T]
[I]"Akala Braaaao" *We took over 7hours to find an Orcish Traductor*[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/5/56/Crispy_Golden_Locks.png?t=20131101221451[/T]
[I]"Not hot enough!"[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/b/bb/Backpack_Hero%27s_Hachimaki.png?t=20110425004327[/T]
[I]"Kamikaze ? Never heard about that Asian's food[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/5/5c/El_Jefe.png?t=20111123132215[/T]
[I]"Hasta la victoria siempre!"[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/b/b3/Familiar_Fez.png?t=20120124002257[/T]
[I]Sea ,Sand and Sun[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/2/22/Cotton_Head.png?t=20131011120901[/T]
[I]"I want to set the World on fire Hony !"[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/0/03/Le_Party_Phantom.png?t=20111126160327[/T]
[I]The flight of the angel[/I]

[OzzyCockroach]

[IMG]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/6/6d/Ellis%27_Cap.png/250px-Ellis%27_Cap.png?t=20120702231718[/IMG]
Did I ever tell you 'bout the time my buddy keith stole my hat of me? He came back with pair of earbuds and a rabbits head... or was it a bit of scrap metal?

[Drury]

Saw this on tf2tags the other day and thought it was pretty clever

[url]http://tf2tags.com/view-12000[/url]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/1/16/Dr's_Dapper_Topper.png[/t]

[b]Dr. Dapper's Topper[/b]

[i]One crit, two crit. Red crit, blue crit.[/i]

[legoformer]

I know my descriptions will be horrible, but meh. Let me try.

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/c/cb/Backpack_One-Way_Ticket.png?t=20131029215445[/T]

[I]The Dead Friend of sailor is back, for revenge.[/I]

[T]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/3/34/Backpack_Tuque_or_Treat.png?t=20131029223312[/T]

[I]Haha! What a Pumpkin head![/I]

[KleinerHl]

[t]http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/c/c2/Backpack_Deus_Specs.png?t=20110819022150[/t]

RED? BLU? No clue what you guys are talking about, all I see is Orange.