A long time ago, Something Awful reviewed shitty maps for games like Quake 2 and UT. However, they stopped about five or so years ago and nobody has filled in the void since. With all the maps out there for TF2, I figured someone needs to step out and "review" the awful maps the community makes just like Something Awful used to do.
I was thinking about getting a blog, but I'd like some feedback before I actually go off and make it.
If this goes well, I'm thinking about expanding into other games, such as Killing Floor, but right now I'm just going to slam awful TF2 maps, though I might slip in a review for other game's maps just to get a feel for reviewing them.
My first review: [b]cp_gateway[/b]
[b]OVERVIEW[/b]: A Well-style map with some of the most confusing map design I've ever seen. It also lacks a readme file, which is always a sign that a map is shit.
[b]ART DESIGN[/b]: I have no idea what is going in with this map's art design. Props are scattered around here and there in rooms that only have bare minimum texturing. It seems more like a pretentious college student's attempt at making a "surreal map" showing that everything we know is fake, man. There are multiple instances of props clipping through the walls and a half-assed window outside that doesn't even show a sky. Christ, even shitty Doom maps managed to have a proper sky texture in a map.
The lighting seems like it came right of Gears of War. There were multiple instances where my eyes actually hurt for a brief second when I went into a new room because of how bright the HDR lighting was.
[b]MAP DESIGN[/b]: You spawn in a room that has absolutely no details except for the millions of "support bars" the designer thought would be a great addition to the spawn room. Form there, you enter the some sort of fucked up room that has a CP on the left side. The "capture area" is in a wide box, with a few windows that are impossible to shoot from unless you're a Demoman, so all you need to so to capture the point is to huddle in a corner and laugh at your enemy's pitiful attempts at killing you. The other side of that room is unremarkable except that there's a damn door that refuses to open, no matter what you do. Wonderful.
[media]http://imgur.com/X9TGV.jpg[/media]
A building inside a building? How very meta.
The next "area" is some sort of orgy of hallways and paths that makes no damn sense. there are signs that, in theory, are supposed to help you, but in reality I think they only piss you off because the item they're pointing to aren't actually on the hall they're pointing to. Apparently, there are multiple paths to the third control point, but there's no way you'll be able to find and properly use them within the 5 minutes a human being can play this map before you go insane. There's a control point somewhere in the maze, but I managed to run into it only a few times.
[media]http://imgur.com/9LUR9.jpg[/media]
The world's loneliest props.
The final room, the area that houses the third CP, is the apex of this map. It takes place in a fucked up room that uses the "Half-Life 2" vent texture on the walls and has "window" models slapped on it. There's the usual sniper perches, but the author, in his infinite wisdom, decided to go against the flow and add a Medkit and ammo box in it, which means you have to be pretty damn stupid in order to die, much less run out of ammo, there. the only thing that shows some sort of actual "design" is a fence that prevents snipers from taking out everyone as soon as they exit their base via the "main" door. However, it seems he forgot that Snipers can move and blow away anyone as soon as they move away from the fence. At least he tried.
The actual point is on a thin bridge where more than two people will cause at least one person to fall off. There's no protection against Snipers, which is great for those that enjoy slowly getting picked off by the enemy team while being unable to do anything about it. there's a wooden platform with a medkit floating above the actual capture point, which given how "artistic" this map is, is probably symbolism for Jesus or something.
[media]http://imgur.com/FQDid.jpg[/media]
The author loves vents so much he decided to texture a room with a vent texture.
Items are pretty much everywhere. It seems that the monster that made this map discovered the "place object" ability and wanted to show the entire world this amazing ability because there's at least one Medkit/ammo pack in every room. I have reason to suspect that he placed all of these items as backlash for all the times his parents forced him to shove medkits and ammo boxes down his asshole when he was a child.
[b]FUN[/b]: This is a pretty badass level if you like getting lost and getting sniped without being able to fight back.
[b]SHINING MOMENT[/b]: Seeing a lone Medkit floating on top of a stack of barrels that is impossible to climb. For a second I got a peek into the author's personality; a sad and lonely man that thinks he is better than all of us. After realizing this, I promptly killed myself because of how depressing it was.
[b]LAST WORD[/b]: I've had more fun masturbating to Goatse than playing this map.
[b]1 OUT OF 5 STARS[/b]
Some comments:
*Yeah, I know the images are a bit too large at the moment. I'll scale them down if start a blog for the reviews.
*Should I include a download link for the map?
*If I get the blog started, the images will likely be on the sides of the article, not in them.
What are you talking about? This is the best TF2 map ever!
You fapped to goatse?
:getout:
Ontopic: Agree, it looks like a p shit map.
Win.
Is it just or does the last screenshot look like/remind you of Wet-Dry World in Super Mario 64?
Yes, you should continue.
[QUOTE=ashxu;19121477]Is it just or does the last screenshot look like/remind you of Wet-Dry World in Super Mario 64?[/QUOTE]
hahaha I never noticed that.
Don't give out the download link though, as it will make the creator think people are really enjoying his map which will encourage him to make more of the same 'quality'.
[QUOTE=ashxu;19121477]Is it just or does the last screenshot look like/remind you of Wet-Dry World in Super Mario 64?[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it does. :monocle:
Continue.
[QUOTE=CoolCorky;19121716]Don't give out the download link though, as it will make the creator think people are really enjoying his map which will encourage him to make more of the same 'quality'.[/QUOTE]
But then we have more maps to review and laugh and point at!
Most people should be clever enough to go on FPSB (or wherever you can download it) and find the map.
Do a review for pl_hoodoo
[QUOTE=CoolCorky;19121716]Don't give out the download link though, as it will make the creator think people are really enjoying his map which will encourage him to make more of the same 'quality'.[/QUOTE]
Oh please let the mastermind that made this map waste his time on new ones for us to laugh at, instead of bothering people outside of his house.
I say keep it up. Tis funny to read angry reviews IMO.
and yes this map looks shit and yes the last one looks like wt dry world.
[url]http://www.fpsbanana.com/maps/70850[/url]
DO IT
Do floodzone :buddy:
Make it as a video.
Good review, could you please make more?
Do [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97QCwkvBQFI&fmt=18]whoaaaaaa[/url]
[QUOTE=HubmaN;19128942]Do [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97QCwkvBQFI&fmt=18]whoaaaaaa[/url][/QUOTE]
Haha oh Christ
This review was awesome. Make more.
I see so many shitty maps already. This one is actually not that bad when compared to the abominations I've seen.
Here's another one: [b]CTF_el_subterraneo[/b]
[b]OVERVIEW[/b]: A CTF map from hell. According to the readme "You can use this map to put it on your server, but not modify the map." Note the "can", because there's no way any human being would put this map in their server's rotation. Unfortualty for the author, I modified the map, but only if you consider dragging it to the Recycle Bin "modifying".
[b]ART[/b]: The lighting has about as many colors as your average Unreal/Quake 2 map, there is no map flow whatsoever, and the fucking Blue base is covered with "error" textures. He even managed to fuck up making a proper spawn room, as it looks nothing like a regular TF2 spawn room outside of a resupply cabinet and the "closet" model every awful TF2 map uses in their spawn room.
I should mention that you can frequently see seams where the author failed to properly attach one room to another. Not even joke maps do something that awful.
[media]http://imgur.com/S7tdv.jpg[/media]
are you for real
[b]MAP[/b]: I...I don't even know what this is. You spawn into a room that has the "error" texture all over it and green lighting. There's some sort of fucked up staircase you have to jump onto that leads to a cramp room with a medkit, an ammo box and two windows outside. I think its supposed to be some sort of Sniper roost, but the dark blue lighting and "error" textures make it seem more like a look into the author's stay at a mental health asylum.
[media]http://imgur.com/GAPYm.jpg[/media]
what the fuck is going on with this staircase
The "spawn" room, if you can call it that, leads to either the outside or a hallway with green lighting.
The hallway lead to a small puke colored room that has a hole in it and a "lamp" prop just sitting around. Before jumping into the hole, I suggest you say a quick prayer, because you're about to enter some of the worst mapping seen in TF2.
After going down the "hole", you land on a floor that has the water texture on it and three medkits right in front of you. There are also HL2 "window" textures slapped around the tunnel, which makes me wonder if the author has ever seen an underground tunnel in his life. Go past the Medkits and you will run into what I call "The Tribute to Horrible Mapping", which is the apex of this map.
The "Tribute to Horrible Mapping" is a box made out of concrete textures. The floor consists of unaligned Half-Life 2 road textures, the lighting is the same goddamn puke green lighting that was in the spawn room, graffiti is slapped around box, and there is an Ambulance and a HL2 Buggy just sitting around. I honestly have no fucking clue what this room is supposed to represent. Is it supposed to be a parking garage while viewed from the LCD the author takes in high doses? The garage in his Play-Skool toy set?
[media]http://imgur.com/tFEzL.jpg[/media]
i dont know
On the right side of the "Tribute" is a forking hallway that leads to the flag. The actual hall has either dark blue or dark red lighting, depending on what team you're on. The left room actually contains the flag, while the right room has a Medkit and ammo box on a desk in addition to multiple prop flags scattered throughout the room. Both rooms are colored neon green and have "computer props" on the walls. Actually they're the most logical-looking rooms in the entire map, but after going through the "Tribute", viewing and enjoying 2girls1Cup is logical to me.
[media]http://imgur.com/NWu6h.jpg[/media]
"Haha, they'll never realize all the flag are fake until its too late!" the author says to himself as he points a loaded revolver to his head
The other side from the "hole" entrance has a door that has a horribly aligned "wooden door" texture taken straight from HL2. You have to stand in front of the door in order to make it start opening, which takes approximately 50 minutes to open. Once the door is open, you'll enter a room that easily rivals the "Tribute to Horrible Mapping" in pure shittiness.
The room itself is not that big, but its contents are definite proof that the author maker must've used soem sort of drugs while making this map. The room is a thin rectangle with the same green lighting that ever room in this map has. Inside the room is a gigantic blue box. I said another quick prayer and ran into the box. It turns out the box is actually "water". I am not making this up; there is a floating box of water inside a green room. the box contains a Medkit, Ammo Box and for God knows why, a robotic frog. The water box is not properly aligned with the floor, so you can see some of the floor when you look ath the water box from the outside.
[media]http://imgur.com/igwtb.jpg[/media]
why is there a cube of water in the middle of a room
The water box rooms leads to either the enemy's "Tribute" by going forward or you can enter the outside area by swimming up. Yes, you can completely bypass the FUCKING YARD and just go back and forth between the "Tributes" to cap the enemy's flag.
[media]http://filesmelt.com/downloader/ctf_el_subterraneo0018.png[/media]
you have to be pretty goddamn stupid not to at least try to make a canyon out of displacements
The outside area is probably the best area in the entire map, but that's not much saying much. After getting out of the water cube, you end up in the world's blockiest canyon. There are two sets of stairs leading out of it, and believe me you'll want to run up them ASAP as soon as you enter the canyon. Once you manage to get out of the canyon without having the urge to kill yourself, you'll end up in the main yard. At first glance, this looks like a generic desert-themed yard that separates the two two bases, but there are a few subtle differences, such as the "ERROR" model in the middle of each team's side of the yard, a random HL2 bird in front of each team's base, the author's name on opposite sides of the yard, most of the blue team's base having the "ERROR" texture and being able to access your enemy's spawn room. Outside of these minor flaws, the yard is a fine area.
[b]FUN[/b]: If you've ever wanted to freak yourself out while high, I suggest you get stoned and boot up this map. You'll be having nightmares for weeks, guaranteed.
[media]http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/3562/ctfelsubterraneo0026.png[/media]
god bless this brave pigeon that is defending the blue base.
[b]FINAL WORD[/b]: help
[b]0 OUT OF 5 STARS[/b]
[quote]It's a five point cp map. I think it came out pretty good considering I know absolutely nothing about mapping >_> There's probably a whole bunch of stuff wrong with it too, but I really don't know...You probably won't even be able to install it >_> It's still in it's intermediate stages, but I wanted some C+C before I continued adding details and design elements and what not. I'm really bad at choosing textures and lighting, so if anyone can give any suggestions on that, I'm all ears. Anyway, here's the link (please don't be too harsh D: ) :
FPSBANANA > Maps > TF2 > Control Point > cp_gateway_b1[/quote]
I think you were a bit harsh seeing as its his first map ever and he admits he knows nothing about mapping.Gee way to be a dick.
When you think about it,he at least did somewhat of an okay job better than others.Just look at the one right above this post.
Call it; "Criticizing shitty maps."
Then do Hoodoo.
Haha oh christ the second review is incredible
i like that pigeon
do more please
[QUOTE=Ziron;19121342] *Should I include a download link for the map? [/QUOTE]
You should definitely give a download link.
Then we'd be able to see how delightful the map really is.
I would like to see the map pictures in your first post but...
[media]http://i319.photobucket.com/albums/mm474/DaveLife25/media.jpg[/media]
ya can you fix that?
Also some of the images in your second set of map reviews are broken
That's not him.
That's your screwed Browser.
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