I have some tips for all you Facepunchers out there who want to make life easier or better to live!
1. Develop up your right arm muscles by investing into pornography videos.
2. If you have to buy a camera, remember to buy two so that if you need to sell the first one you can take a picture of for advertising purposes.
3. Show restaurants your displeasure by emptying a tin of vegetable soup onto the front doorstep so it looks like a costumer has vomited there.
4. Stop your carpets being worn out and losing their colour by rolling them up and storing it in the garage.
5. Fat people, hire a juggler to walk behind you and juggle, thus diverting attention from your obesity.
6. Drill a hole into your fridge door to tell if the light is off when the door is closed.
7. To save on batteries simply take them out of every electrical device in the house before leaving or going to sleep then replacing them upon your return.
8. If you ask for help or advice from a female, always ask the one with the smallest breasts as they usually have the best brains. God seldom gives them both.
9. Create instant designer stubble by holding a magnet in your mouth and dipping your chin into iron filings.
10. City people. Whenever Rednecks or that come into town and drive past your house, run outside and jump up and down yelling and then proceed to shoot their dog.
11. Upset your girlfriend when having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Post yours.
[QUOTE=Sobotnik;26785599]
6. Drill a hole into your fridge door to tell if the light is off when the door is closed.
[/QUOTE]
I found out my fridge has a button which is pushed when the door is closed, thus turning the light off.
Preserve air by holding your breath for as long as you can everytime you breathe.
[editline]18th December 2010[/editline]
[QUOTE=matt.ant;26785638]I found out my fridge has a button which is pushed when the door is closed, thus turning the light off.[/QUOTE]
I think all do
[editline]18th December 2010[/editline]
Instead of paying for electricity, just buy hundreds of candles each month.
dnt gu t0 sh0cl lt5 nt gud fr 4my 7ihng...
Buy a gym membership instead of constantly buying new weights for dumbbells.
Instead of studying all night for a test a day before a text, study like a week before, that way you get enough sleep the night before your test.
Smoke 6 cigarettes at the same time instead of buying expensive cigars.
From Viz Top Tips
[I]WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.[/I]
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
[I]GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
[/I] EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
[I]MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.[/I]
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
[I]BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.[/I]
DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
[I]CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.[/I]
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
[I]PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.[/I]
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
[I]RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.[/I]
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
[I]SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.[/I]
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
[I]SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".[/I]
MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.
[I]ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.[/I]
SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
[I]TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.[/I]
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
[I]SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.[/I]
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
[I]A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. [/I]
AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.
[I]TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.[/I]
WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
[I]CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.[/I]
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
[I]SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.[/I]
YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
[I]PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.[/I]
FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
[I]HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.[/I]
FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
[I]SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags[/I]
Smoke dragons every day.
I thought these were actual tips and read the entire OP with a look of disgust on my face.
Instead of posting negatively in a thread for attention, don't post at all.
If you ever wonder what would happen if you lit a match in a room full of nitrogen, don't try.
[editline]18th December 2010[/editline]
You will die to death.
If you have a Disease of any minor kind, Do not ask facepunch- You already know you have cancer.
Eggnog with Peanut Butter Captain Crunch is great.
PROTIP: To defeat the Cyberdemon, shoot at it until it dies.
The most common disease is being allergic to bullets.
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