Friend getting kicked out of his place - Opinions/advice needed - General

So a German friend of mine from uni is getting kicked out of his apartment come the 1st of December. There ain't nothing that can be done about that. Problem is, he got nowhere to go then, if he wants a snowballs chance in hell of keeping up with his studies. His parents are most likely not gonna want him back, and if they do; that's way back in fuckin' Germany so no chance of resuming his studies from there. Which is where I might come into the picture. I got an apartment. I got a fair bit of space (Not really enough for two people to be comfortable, but like, a person and a half or so), so I could feasibly take him until he finds something else. He is looking, very actively, both on his own and with a group of people who he has been planning to move into a place with for a while, but so far they got nothing, and certainly not anything within the time limit. I have a couple problems with it, and they're all selfish. First off, I got a lot of studies taking up a fair chunk of my time, and I work best alone. Second, I'm a pretty private person. Not really a shut-in or anti-social or any shit like that, but when I'm home, [I]I'm home[/I], and it's just me, fuckin' relaxing my ass off or doing whatever I need to be doing. If I want other people around, I invite them, or I go to where they are. Stupid and selfish, yes, but it's how I work. Thirdly, I just recently caught myself a bad case of the girlfriends, and it's been eating at my face, keeping my hand paralyzed and taking up space in my bed all the fucking time lately. Kinda would hate suddenly having a flatmate interfering with my terrible lady-infestation. So yeah. I guess I'm kinda asking confirmation here, be a good person and take responsibility for a friend in need, or be myself and don't get involved in shit I don't have to when I already got my plate fairly full. Taking him in, aside from being just the 'right' thing to do, would of course also help on rent and food budget and shit like that. However, money ain't no issue for me already, as I got plenty and consistently keep it in the black. Taking him in obviously wouldn't be permanent, since A: I'd fucking explode from that, and B: He is still gonna move in with the other fuckers, once they find themselves a place. [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] (And no, don't worry, I'm not basing my decision entirely on what Facepunch says I should do. Just kinda getting a feel if I'm doing something [I]horrible[/I] by doing one thing or the other)

I dont' think your reasons are selfish, your home is your home. However, it is also a nice thing to do to help someone out in their time of need, but be careful how helpful you are to people. Situations like this can absolutely destroy friendships, I just had 2 of my best friends literally at each other's throats not 2 months ago because one took the other in after he got kicked out. If your friend truly is looking for a new place with friends, if I were in your situation I'd let him stay with you, but I'd make it abundantly clear that it's absolutely not a roommate situation, but that he's a guest in your house until he finds something else. That lack of differentiation is where my friends went wrong, and why they are no longer friends. Best of luck to you.

First of all it's not your responsibility. Second of all it's your decision to make if it's the "right" thing to do or not. There is no book that accurately describes the meaning of right and wrong, it's up to you. Ask yourself this; How much does he mean to you as a friend? What are the chances of him finding a place if you don't give him a place to stay? When will he find a place of his own? How much of a hassle, beyond the problems you've already listed which you need to figure out, will he cause?

It's not your responsibility, but if you think you can do it then I think you should.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and taking in a roommate might be too much for you. You're not selfish, you just don't have the energy or resources to share your apartment with another person for an extended period of time. Maybe you can at least let him sleep there for a little while as he looks for a flat of his own.

[QUOTE=Lurklet;46563074]How much does he mean to you as a friend? What are the chances of him finding a place if you don't give him a place to stay? When will he find a place of his own? How much of a hassle, beyond the problems you've already listed which you need to figure out, will he cause?[/QUOTE] 1: A good 8.7/10 on the brotitude scale. He's pretty damn close to the best bud I ever did have. 2: Near none. He's been searching for two months with the other people he's moving in with, and an additional month on his own because of this shit. 3: Within a month or two, most likely. 4: None. He is in no way a problematic person. Has been in the past, but really gotten his shit together right now, which is another reason I kinda feel he deserves it. Been dealt nothing but crap all his life, and then this shit happens on top of that.

It's a tough call. You can feel good or bad about either decision and the outcome relies on something you can't control... your friend. On one hand, you help him out. He then either finds a place and moves on in a timely manner, or he becomes a bad roommate and your back here asking how to get rid of him. On the other hand, you leave him to his fate. He then finds a place with his other friends after couch surfing for a while or the worst, he is forced to move back home or take his chances with a tent in the woods and he's never heard from again. I think hippo is right, "be careful how helpful you are to people". This guy could be a totally different person domestically and may suffer from bad motivation (for example, he could end up permanently attached to your couch and TV). I would offer him couch space for a couple of days only if he demonstrated that he has a plan to get back on his feet. (like he has money for a place lined up, either from home, work, or some social service, anything, and just needs a place to sleep while finding a place to spend it on.) Otherwise, you are allowed to not help and not feel guilty for it. Roommates can be great or a nightmare. I have experienced both and will never have roommates again.

help him out. if he's a decent person that's really putting effort into finding a new place then you'd be doing a good friend a great favour by helping him out in this small time that he has no place to stay. it's probably worth explaining to him that you do enjoy (and need) your own space so it might not be the easiest month or so, but you understand that he's not left with much choice and you are in a position to help him. this isn't any sort of guilt trip of well-look-i'm-doing-you-a-massive-favour-so-you'd-best-be-greatful, because i'm certain that he already is, but make sure it's clear that it's your place and your rules, if little things start to bug you (messiness, noisiness) then bring it up as soon as it bothers you, else it might grow and become more of a problem which could lead to unnecessary stress. ultimately, if after a while he still hasn't found a place and you can't handle having him living with you anymore then that's fine, tell him that it's time to move out. you'll have still have put him in a much better position than he would have been in and for that he should be very grateful.

[i]If[/i] you can handle it personally, let him stay for a fixed amount of time; take him in as a 'guest' (not a roommate, that distinction made earlier in the thread is an important one) for a month or two so he can get a place of his own. If you make this clear to him then he'll try his hardest to find a place of his own within that time (or at least he should), and even if he doesn't succeed you did facilitate him at least temporarily.

Just a quick clarification: If I let him stay, he's gonna be damn sure that it's my place and I'm letting him stay. Either a mattress in the kitchen or in the entré, and he is still very intent on moving out to a proper place with the other people. Second, I'm not really afraid that [I]he'll[/I] be a bad roommate, he's been living with other people, either as even roommates or as someone crashing, for five years now. It's more if I can cope with the fact that I'm living with someone else, especially after so many rapid developments in my life within the last three months; moving on my own, starting uni-studies, making friends, making girlfriends. I'm kinda overwhelmed as it is, I feel. [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] Another problem kinda is, he [I]is[/I] fucked if I don't. He can't go home to his parents (dad hates him, used to beat him) so he is kinda fucked if I don't. Which sorta tips the scales from my "Is this something I want to do to help a friend?" to "Is this something I have to do to help a friend?", which isn't really as 'positive' a starting point as the former. Additionally, should I ask the ladyfriend first? I mean, it's not really gonna matter [I]much[/I] to her, just that my place will be semioccupied as a makeout spot. She's good friends with the German too, so there's no real conflict of interest there, though I know she's a bit more of a 'live-and-let-die' kinda person when it comes to people in fucked situations.

I only see practical problems. Is all his stuff gonna fit in? I'm also wondering [i]why[/i] were he kicked out from his previous place? You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself anyway, so why not? It could be fun too, but.. you know, mixing up different chemicals and all. So yeah, help the guy out if he can't figure nothing else by that time.

[QUOTE=Bat-shit;46563346]I only see practical problems. Is all his stuff gonna fit in? I'm also wondering, and wondering why no one else asked this before me, but [i]why[/i] where he kicked out from his earlier place?[/QUOTE] His stuff will fit, my place is a hell of a lot roomier than where he has been living. He's getting kicked out 'cause he's been living with his sister which was a deal she had with him to do until December, and now December's here.

Sacrificing some privacy for a relatively short period of time while ensuring your best friends continued education. I would let him stay. Pretty much what other folk in this thread have already said.

[QUOTE=Riller;46563362]His stuff will fit, my place is a hell of a lot roomier than where he has been living. He's getting kicked out 'cause he's been living with his sister which was a deal she had with him to do until December, and now December's here.[/QUOTE] Ah alright, sounds good then. Also edited my previous post a bit, but you were a fast responder there.. Anyway, go for it.

[QUOTE=Riller;46563240]Just a quick clarification: If I let him stay, he's gonna be damn sure that it's my place and I'm letting him stay. Either a mattress in the kitchen or in the entré, and he is still very intent on moving out to a proper place with the other people. Second, I'm not really afraid that [I]he'll[/I] be a bad roommate, he's been living with other people, either as even roommates or as someone crashing, for five years now. It's more if I can cope with the fact that I'm living with someone else, especially after so many rapid developments in my life within the last three months; moving on my own, starting uni-studies, making friends, making girlfriends. I'm kinda overwhelmed as it is, I feel. [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] Another problem kinda is, he [I]is[/I] fucked if I don't. He can't go home to his parents (dad hates him, used to beat him) so he is kinda fucked if I don't. Which sorta tips the scales from my "Is this something I want to do to help a friend?" to "Is this something I have to do to help a friend?", which isn't really as 'positive' a starting point as the former. Additionally, should I ask the ladyfriend first? I mean, it's not really gonna matter [I]much[/I] to her, just that my place will be semioccupied as a makeout spot. She's good friends with the German too, so there's no real conflict of interest there, though I know she's a bit more of a 'live-and-let-die' kinda person when it comes to people in fucked situations.[/QUOTE] If he's such a good friend of yours and he's really ([i]really[/i]) screwed if you don't, and if it's not an 'enormous' problem for you, then just let him crash for a month or two. They'll fly by. Do discuss it with your girlfriend though, for heaven's sake. [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] Oh, and if you notice during the timespan of him staying with you that it's becoming too substantial of a problem then you can always change your mind, no matter how difficult that might be. Just make that clear to him and it should be fine. You come first, it's your place.

And unless you actually live [i]with[/i] your GF, it should be none of her concern. :v: But would be good to tell her about it, of course. Because, there will be like, IDK, less private time for ya both? Like, "heads up, this dude is gonna live at my place for a while, so chill you damned jungle cat."

Ech, I guess if I let him stay and only last three days before going insane from it, that's still three days better of a chance than what he'd otherwise have..

[QUOTE=Riller;46563240]Just a quick clarification: If I let him stay, he's gonna be damn sure that it's my place and I'm letting him stay. Either a mattress in the kitchen or in the entré, and he is still very intent on moving out to a proper place with the other people. Second, I'm not really afraid that [I]he'll[/I] be a bad roommate, he's been living with other people, either as even roommates or as someone crashing, for five years now. It's more if I can cope with the fact that I'm living with someone else, especially after so many rapid developments in my life within the last three months; moving on my own, starting uni-studies, making friends, making girlfriends. I'm kinda overwhelmed as it is, I feel. [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] Another problem kinda is, he [I]is[/I] fucked if I don't. He can't go home to his parents (dad hates him, used to beat him) so he is kinda fucked if I don't. Which sorta tips the scales from my "Is this something I want to do to help a friend?" to "Is this something I have to do to help a friend?", which isn't really as 'positive' a starting point as the former. Additionally, should I ask the ladyfriend first? I mean, it's not really gonna matter [I]much[/I] to her, just that my place will be semioccupied as a makeout spot. She's good friends with the German too, so there's no real conflict of interest there, though I know she's a bit more of a 'live-and-let-die' kinda person when it comes to people in fucked situations.[/QUOTE] sounds like your situation and place therein has made your choice already. help him get on his feet, but give him something to do and a deadline. Have him help clean dishes and maybe pay a small portion of rent or something to scoot by so he can save up some cash while he looks. also yeah, clear it with ladyfriend. You've got ultimate say in your house but it's good to at least talk things out beforehand, maybe set a schedule so the guy isn't at home [I]constantly[/I]. I speak from experience, it's a fucking buzzkill having a roommate as a couple, I've been married since june and had a third wheel (best man from wedding) who doesn't leave the living room since a few weeks after that. He's under similar provisions of staying in school and cleaning the house as a form of rent, but he's really falling out on cleaning (IE it feels like he does dishes once we completely run out of clean ones, and maybe mows the lawn once a month) and I'm getting more and more strapped for cash as that's a chunk of rent I should be getting from someone who at least [I]tries[/I]. He and another good friend of mine were roommates for about a year two years ago, and they were both at each other's throats about various gripes by the end of it. I'm seeing a lot of them were legitimate, but I'm REALLY trying to help this guy finish off college so he can get away from his awful parents and find some proper work

[QUOTE=Riller;46563419]Ech, I guess if I let him stay and only last three days before going insane from it, that's still three days better of a chance than what he'd otherwise have..[/QUOTE] Some insanity never hurt no body. Well, joking aside, it is a legit concern that you're just not gonna like him at your place, and it may even affect ur friendship. But it might do you a little good, too? If anything. Getting in and out of your comfort zone? Is that.. a thing, good? [editline]24th November 2014[/editline] So my stance is still go for it, IF he can't figure anything out by the first of December.

[QUOTE=dai;46563421]sounds like your situation and place therein has made your choice already. help him get on his feet, but give him something to do and a deadline. Have him help clean dishes and maybe pay a small portion of rent or something to scoot by so he can save up some cash while he looks. also yeah, clear it with ladyfriend. You've got ultimate say in your house but it's good to at least talk things out beforehand, maybe set a schedule so the guy isn't at home [I]constantly[/I]. I speak from experience, it's a fucking buzzkill having a roommate as a couple, I've been married since june and had a third wheel (best man from wedding) who doesn't leave the living room since a few weeks after that. He's under similar provisions of staying in school and cleaning the house as a form of rent, but he's really falling out on cleaning (IE it feels like he does dishes once we completely run out of clean ones, and maybe mows the lawn once a month) and I'm getting more and more strapped for cash as that's a chunk of rent I should be getting from someone who at least [I]tries[/I]. He and another good friend of mine were roommates for about a year two years ago, and they were both at each other's throats about various gripes by the end of it. I'm seeing a lot of them were legitimate, but I'm REALLY trying to help this guy finish off college so he can get away from his awful parents and find some proper work[/QUOTE] Well, having this discussion with people, moving thoughts around, considering angles on shit has certainly shed some light on stuff. Would it be too demanding of me to just straight-up tell him that on days I'm planning to have ladyvisits, he gotta find another place to stay. Study at the uni library, crash with his own girl, whatever? [QUOTE=Bat-shit;46563440]Well, joking aside, it is a legit concern that you're just not gonna like him at your place, and it may even affect ur friendship. But it might do you a little good, too? If anything. Getting in and out of your comfort zone? Is that.. a thing, good?[/QUOTE] That's kinda the thing. With where I am now, I'm so far out of my 'comfort zone' I'm not even sure if I remember what it originally looked like. I've moved halfway across the country, to a city where I know no one, to live alone which I've never tried before, to study in a way that's way tougher and more serious than anything I've been doing before, with the added personal ballast of a relationship I've never really had before. If I ever had a comfort zone, it's only a pale white dot in a small farmer-village in Jutland by now. But on the other hand, I'm doing good. I've passed every exam so far, I'm doing good on my studies, I'm turning in everything on-time, I'm sticking to budget, I'm eating well, I'm making friends, I'm keeping my place clean, and I got a god damn girlfriend. And yes, I know I'm being the "HEY GUYS I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, YOU HEARD? GIRLFRIEND! I BET YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, I'M SO COOL!" guy here, but it really is kinda weighing in a lot on how I feel and it's just another new thing on top of this whole fuckin' new world. It's just suddenly a big chunk of my life that weren't really a concern before 'cause Ol' Lefty did it plenty good for me. But yeah. As things are, I guess it's a 'yes'. I'm still gonna sleep on it and talk it through face to face with Ms. Riller before deciding anything, but the only real problem is whether I'd be able to live with it, and there's no way to know unless I try it.

Take him in but make sure he understands that it is just temporary. Give him a few weeks to make up with his parents / finds somewhere else to live.

[QUOTE=Riller;46563521]Well, having this discussion with people, moving thoughts around, considering angles on shit has certainly shed some light on stuff. Would it be too demanding of me to just straight-up tell him that on days I'm planning to have ladyvisits, he gotta find another place to stay. Study at the uni library, crash with his own girl, whatever? That's kinda the thing. With where I am now, I'm so far out of my 'comfort zone' I'm not even sure if I remember what it originally looked like. I've moved halfway across the country, to a city where I know no one, to live alone which I've never tried before, to study in a way that's way tougher and more serious than anything I've been doing before, with the added personal ballast of a relationship I've never really had before. If I ever had a comfort zone, it's only a pale white dot in a small farmer-village in Jutland by now. But on the other hand, I'm doing good. I've passed every exam so far, I'm doing good on my studies, I'm turning in everything on-time, I'm sticking to budget, I'm eating well, I'm making friends, I'm keeping my place clean, and I got a god damn girlfriend. And yes, I know I'm being the "HEY GUYS I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, YOU HEARD? GIRLFRIEND! I BET YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, I'M SO COOL!" guy here, but it really is kinda weighing in a lot on how I feel and it's just another new thing on top of this whole fuckin' new world. It's just suddenly a big chunk of my life that weren't really a concern before 'cause Ol' Lefty did it plenty good for me. But yeah. As things are, I guess it's a 'yes'. I'm still gonna sleep on it and talk it through face to face with Ms. Riller before deciding anything, but the only real problem is whether I'd be able to live with it, and there's no way to know unless I try it.[/QUOTE] Yes exactly! You seem to be doing good for yourself despite everything (like u said), so I feel that helping this friend out is totally within your "boundaries." And don't worry about the GF, I still think your abit gay;)

I would. It's the right thing to do. Think of it as karma banking. I just know how I would feel if I had nowhere else to go. Your buddy's counting on you, and it'll be great if you can, but it's not your responsibility. Tell him he needs to be somewhere else when your lady friend is over.

You should do it. It's an act of kindness he won't forget. Maybe further down the road of life you'll be in need of a heavy favor and your friend will be there without even needing to debate with himself about it.

Riller, I've come to respect you as a poster, and as a human being. So let me offer the following: No. It's not your responsibility. Yes, it will hamper certain aspects of your routine. But you would be doing this guy a great service, and one he's not likely to forget. Homelessness is hard to get oneself out of (sadly, I'm currently going through it myself). A place to sleep, wash clothes, and shower can make all the difference. Even if you worked out a deal where he sleeps there, showers, and then has to leave until the evening to look for other options, you'll be doing him a major favor. It sounds to me like you two are already pretty good friends. It sounds like there's already a good deal of mutual respect. My advice is give the dude a shot. Tell him it's a probationary thing. . .you start with two weeks, and see how it goes from there. Tell him you'd appreciate some help with the housework (but don't make him do ALL of it. . .establish a chore schedule that works for everybody involved). And stress that while in your home, he needs to actively seek another place to crash (from what you've said, it sounds like he's not going to have a problem with that). You could very well end up looking back at his time in your house as a positive experience. It's up to you, but honestly. . .it would be an exceedingly cool thing for you to do for him.