Funny, witty things you have said.

[Rellow]

Me and my dad are washing clothes and we're putting them in the washers:
Dad: Make sure they're balanced. Like Fox News.
Me: So put them all in the right?

If you don't get it:[sp]The left washer had more clothes than the right one. (We were using two.)[/sp]

[VeniVidiVici74]

Me: Have you ever been to facepunch.com?
Friend: No, what the hell is that?
Me: Exactly what it sounds like it is...

[Pen Straw]

"Man kitty, Imma skin you and wear your fur as a hat and become queen of cats"

[Bivi]

[QUOTE=VeniVidiVici74;25649084]Me: Have you ever been to facepunch.com?
Friend: No, what the hell is that?
Me: Exactly what it sounds like it is...[/QUOTE]

No.

[shatteredwindow]

[QUOTE=VeniVidiVici74;25649084]Me: Have you ever been to facepunch.com?
Friend: No, what the hell is that?
Me: Exactly what it sounds like it is...[/QUOTE]

What's a facepunch?

[Archangel125]

Me: So, any plans for version 2.0 of your Apache Longbow?
Content Developer Friend: To be honest, that isn't even on my radar yet.
Me: Maybe it's flying too low.

[Dr. Freeman]

I stole a girls heart today.
[Sp]Tried giving it back but she bled out too soon and died.[/sp]

What's the difference between a black man and a taco?
[Sp]A black man won't kill you for crack.[/sp]

"Knock knock"
"Whose there"
"Orange"
"Come back later I'm trying to take a shit."

[highlight](User was banned for this post ("racism" - Lithifold))[/highlight]

[Scar]

[QUOTE=Dr. Freeman;25657228]I stole a girls heart today.
[Sp]Tried giving it back but she bled out too soon and died.[/sp]

What's the difference between a black man and a taco?
[Sp]A black man won't kill you for crack.[/sp]

"Knock knock"
"Whose there"
"Orange"
"Come back later I'm trying to take a shit."[/QUOTE]

I liked you more when you were mute

[Dr. Freeman]

[QUOTE=Scar;25657417]I liked you more when you were mute[/QUOTE]

Well mutes can type.

[FreddiRox!]

[url=http://www.facepunch.com/members/191335-SGNinja101]SGNinja101[/url]: Nikki has a 1 inch penis
Me: At least its 1 inch bigger then Ninja's then.

Said it yesterday

[Eli Vance]

[QUOTE=Dr. Freeman;25657228]I stole a girls heart today.
[Sp]Tried giving it back but she bled out too soon and died.[/sp]

What's the difference between a black man and a taco?
[Sp]A black man won't kill you for crack.[/sp]

"Knock knock"
"Whose there"
"Orange"
"Come back later I'm trying to take a shit."

[highlight](User was banned for this post ("racism" - Lithifold))[/highlight][/QUOTE]

Jesus fuck Gordon what am I going to do with a washed up guy like you?

[Pasalaqcua]

"Hey bill! When was the last time you payed the electricity [i]bill[/i]?"

[b]HAHAHAHAHA[/b]

[Rodancoci]

I don't know if it counts since it wasn't in real life, but one time I was playing Left 4 Dead 2 on Dead Center on Expert difficulty with everyone at 20 health or lower.

We were in that part after some narrow hallways where you have to break some store windows and activate an alarm to continue. Mind you, the wooden frames between the windows are very thin.

Suddenly a smoker drops in the middle of the room and I instinctively shoot it with my M16 as soon as it falls without hitting the windows.

Some guy says: "Holy shit, you didn't break any windows!"

I answer (in a unexpectedly natural deep voice): "That's 'cause I wasn't aiming for the windows."

I dunno, it made me feel pretty badass at the time. We all died after we decided to break the windows though.

[Dukov Traboski]

(Playing a game with my friend)

Him: Gah, damit. I was shot down
Me: What happened?
Him: I went too low
Me: I was gonna make an Icarus joke, but he went to high
Me: So I will just make one about your girl friend instead.

I was really proud of myself

[Sir Anthony]

friend:I need to see my girlfriend.
me:who's your girlfriend, your right hand?
friend:what, Hey, fuck you.

[Chonch]

Me: Don't laugh

*Friend laughs*

Friend: What the hell how did you do that?

Me: It's called reverse psychology. Watch.

*turn to other friend*

Me: Don't act like a dumbass.

*Other friend spills tray of food on herself accidentally*

*all laugh*

[Kalamadea]

My brother: Whatever floats your boat, dude.
Me: My boat's full of holes.

Just randomly blurted it out when we were fucking around in ODST.

[LunchboxOfDoom]

Arguing over the religious beliefs of John Locke.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[i]Him: You're bursting nobody's bubble. If people could be Christian without Augustine's beliefs prior to the 4th century AD (for example... in 33 AD?), then they could be Christian without his beliefs after the 4th century AD. Augustine was not Jesus Christ.

Me: If they belonged to a denomination that did not incorporate his beliefs after the 4th century AD, that would be true (for something like, say, the Assyrian Church). However, Augustine was the Bishop of Hippo Regius for the early Catholic Church (or Early Christian Church; whatever you want to call it), and he was canonized both by the Catholics (by Pope Boniface VIII) AND the Anglican Communion.

[url]http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bio/50.html[/url]

So, if Locke was an Anglican as you claimed, he would have to accept both this fact about Augustine and Augustine's teachings, including his theological teachings on both the Trinity and Original Sin which are taught and preached as truth by the Catholics and Anglicans to this very day... and also the Lutherans and Orthodox Christians (Eastern, Oriental, etc.); he is, in fact, a pre-eminent Doctor of the Church in Anglicanism.

[url]http://anglicansonline.org/resources/essays/whalon/originalsin.html[/url]
[url]http://www.allsaintsjakarta.org/angbel.htm#30[/url]

Yet repeatedly, he took no such position- instead favoring a non-Socianian one. See the book "John Locke: Resistance, Religion and Responsibility".

[b]Now, kind sir, please, GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CACTUS.[/b][/i]

[Sobotnik]

Friend: Stop acting like an idiot.
Me: What makes you think I am acting?

[Nerts]

[QUOTE=Nerts;25688833]No one ever took a vagina in the ass.[/QUOTE]

[Jarey_]

Him: Hey, You're a cookie.
Me: What?
Him: You eat a lot of small chocolate cookies from the school cafe. You are what you eat.
Me: Hey, what was that last part again?
Him: You are what you eat.
Me: Oh, good. I was wondering why you looked like a large cock.

True Story.

[Beefbars]

Guy : When do you plan on getting a life?
Me : When does your mom plan on quitting her prostituting?

Another :

Guy: What's your mom wearing?
Me: What's your boyfriend wearing?

[Scar]

[QUOTE=Beefbars;25702313]Guy : When do you plan on getting a life?
Me : When does your mom plan on quitting her prostituting?

Another :

Guy: What's your mom wearing?
Me: What's your boyfriend wearing?[/QUOTE]

Not witty

[Franke_R!?]

Guy: Your mother is a whore.
Me: I didn't know our mothers worked together.

[ragawaga]

Dad: Son, your attitude stinks
Me: Better wash it then :smug: :smug: :smug:

[RayDark]

'Your a douche'

'Yeah well your mothers so fat when she goes to a resturant she doesn't get the menu, she gets an estimate.'

[Errorproxy]

[QUOTE=Sir Anthony;25669914]friend:I need to see my girlfriend.
me:who's your girlfriend, your right hand?
friend:what, Hey, fuck you.[/QUOTE]

Overused.

Things I can think of right now:

[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1061666-Crysis-2?p=28393495&viewfull=1#post28393495[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1058881-Trading-Thread-V7?p=29329382&viewfull=1#post29329382[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1080465-TF2-Hats-usable-in-Portal-2?p=29342351&viewfull=1#post29342351[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1080465-TF2-Hats-usable-in-Portal-2?p=29329408&viewfull=1#post29329408[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1084694-Osama-Bin-Laden-Dead?p=29564072&viewfull=1#post29564072[/url]

But sometimes when I really feel it (in the zone), my mouth is extremely quick and I don't even realize what I said until I'm saying it.

This thread is awesome, it needs a revive.. I know I just got banned for bumping an old thread.. I didn't pay attention to that one.. or this one.. sorry. The warning also said last chance.. please don't perma-ban me. :ohdear:

[Psycho_Shadow]

[QUOTE=Errorproxy;31186319]Overused.

Things I can think of right now:

[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1061666-Crysis-2?p=28393495&viewfull=1#post28393495[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1058881-Trading-Thread-V7?p=29329382&viewfull=1#post29329382[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1080465-TF2-Hats-usable-in-Portal-2?p=29342351&viewfull=1#post29342351[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1080465-TF2-Hats-usable-in-Portal-2?p=29329408&viewfull=1#post29329408[/url]
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/threads/1084694-Osama-Bin-Laden-Dead?p=29564072&viewfull=1#post29564072[/url]

But sometimes when I really feel it (in the zone), my mouth is extremely quick and I don't even realize what I said until I'm saying it.

This thread is awesome, it needs a revive.. I know I just got banned for bumping an old thread.. I didn't pay attention to that one.. or this one.. sorry. The warning also said last chance.. please don't perma-ban me. :ohdear:[/QUOTE]

couldn't you take the hint and just not bump any old threads

[B_I_G__C_U_M]

I forgot how the conversation went, but it was suppost be a joke about Pinocchio getting a boner. I replied, "I guess you could say he got wood"

[Errorproxy]

[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;31186402]couldn't you take the hint and just not bump any old threads[/QUOTE]

I was searching for something and got this.. I started reading and posted without thinking.

But this thread is pretty cool..