I'm writing a script - May you tell me what you think about it? - General

How the opening of every episode works: Pretty much, the opening is very simple, yet effective: there is black, nothing around. The atmosphere is eerie. Few moments, we notice that there is a butterfly made of light flying around. She then poses herself on a girl soft and meager finger, almost as dark as the background: the camera shows us the girls face, she turns the head to the camera, her eyes are witty. She then turns toward the camera with her body as well and we notice her body is mixed with the darkness, completely shroud into it. The view on her is aerial now. Once she points her finger toward us, with the butterfly on it, she expands in thousands of butterflies that reveal her body and the background, the prior being laid on the ground and the latter being the most green of grass, with many flowers around. The camera then zooms out and we notice that the girl is near a lake in a very magnificent area. Then, titles appear. TITLE Olympia Meaning of the opening: what we see is what the main character is looking for, that being simplicity in her own life to reach felicity. The opening itself is quoted into some episodes too, because it actually is... Premise of the story: Set in Romania, 1899, it's about a young girl that has been kept under observations by medics for a long time. Her body is slim and well formed, but her flesh has been castigated by whips and flails, for she has been deemed as the devil's seed, due to her mystical lore and powers. She is, pretty much, seen as a bedlam. Main Characters: Olympia Bedros: Once a gypsy, she is all alone and would only live her own life in peace, but is bothered by her alchemical nature. Dr Tatos: A psychologue using Olympia for his scopes, using an asylum as a coverage. Young Boy/Vasile: A young boy who lost his mother and thinks that Olympia is an angel came from the sky and he has to care for her out of humanity. Episode 1: You purty angel, came from the sky. Diagonal view of a medical building with walls around and a gate. Camera on a refined parchment attached to the wall that has inked on it "Dimitrie Cantemir bedlam, for the emotionally troubled". Scene now focuses on a girl with crossed arm, pretty much low-bared least for the sanitarium robe she is covered with that is still showing a lot of her legs and her naked bestride. She has her arms crossed because she is screening herself from being hurt by wood splinters, for she has jumped out of a window. Focus on her, diagonal view. It focuses on her fastly discening down from the alture, with a distant view. Camera now shows a near-view of her hurting the roof of a lower building annexed to the main one, then camera from distance shows her reaching extension of the roof, holding it and avoiding a tragical death. She had slippers with her and it seems one of it has fallen down, into the pound of water that is the garden fountain. near-view on her from behind, her back and chest is naked, we see the contour of her breasts. Her face is fierce because there is a way to escape, and desperate at the same time for it takes risk. Scene changes now to a mature man reaching a wealthy-looking room with a younger one inside pressuring his bleeding wrist. One is in a hurry, one is in deprecation. Older man: WHER'S MY PATIENT?! The older man reaches the younger one that grabs him from the collar of his jacket, stained in blood. Older Man: Where is Olympia?! The bleeding man can barely stand and his answer his stuttered. Younger One: Doctor Tatos... she... gone... A splash is heard. Doctor goes to the window. He notices Olympia. Show scenes her practically nude, for her vest his made adherent and transparent by the water of the fountain. The shot is from distance. Now we see a shot of the doctor at the window, yelling. Doctor Tatos: Olympia! A shot of Olympia's standing into the fountain, she is damn sexy, we notice her legs have signs of whip lashes. Olympia: Doctor, I leave the pension, cause I'm way to young for retirement. Shot of Olympia's face. Olympia: From now on, chase me if you want to take me back. Shot of the doctors offended face, enraging. Olympia then runs and an action scene starts: the guards of the nosocomy tries to stop her, but when Olympia runs into them, they are clashed away by some sort of energy that she has materialized around her body. Distant shot of the doctor still at the window, the camera is set on the ground, there the ones that are staying down because of Olympia's witch-craftery. Dr. Tatos: Bunch of incompetent swines! YOU MADE HER FLEE! Shot of Olympia niftly jumping the gate, we hear the doctor being furious. Dr. Tatos: DAMN IT! Scene shows the doctor, now, running into the establishment he is in. Dr.Tatos: UNLEASH THE DOGS! near-view of his face. Dr.Tatos: Witchcraft like those can't be unleashed. I'm forced to follower her as well. While walking fast, he is stopped by the same man that he handled before. Younger man: Dr. Tatos, please, before you go, would you patch my hand? Dr.Tatos stops, disgusted. Dr.Tatos: Why that? Younger Man: The patient that escaped... she has bitten my hand, to start her initiative. Dr. Tatos turns toward a wall, near-view of his face, diabolical and evil-ridden. Shot now shows the doctor with an hand in one of his jacket socket. Dr Tatos: Come here. I'll patch you up. The man gets near the Doctor and once he has approached him... Younger Man: Thank you for your patience with us, Doctor. Scene change. Now we see the body of the man on the ground, a pair of large scissors in his forehead. Dr. Tatos: There is nothing for you to be of use, now that you have been attainted. The man then systematize in a proper way is cravat (frontal upward shot), then he kneels in fron of the dead (lateral long shot), and then yells. Dr Tatos: COME HERE! SOMEBODY! A MAN HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED! Now, frontal near-view of a raging dog with many others behind it, all running. Now, rear shot of the woman running, then frontal shot of her looking backward with dogs chasing her. All set in a forest. In the distance, there is a cliff. Now later shot of her running and saying something. Olympia: That damn doctor and his own posse won't cease letting me escape! Scene changes. The doctor is with other ones among bushes, the others are armed with fusees. Dr Tatos: Dogs found the witch. Scene shows now Olympia jumping into something from the cliff, a lake (lateral view that show her whole body covered with whip prints during the jump), then a near-view of her eyes during the jump, then a focus on her landing feet. Shot from behind of her stopping running; near-view oblique shot of her extracting something under her vest, on the neck height; now back-shot of the rear of her body (nude because the vest has been moved by the wind) and then shot of her right hand that is holding a pendant. Shot of the pendant, titillating: it emanes vibrations we can see in slow-mo; shot of the dogs, puzzled; very near-view of Olympia's eye. Olympia: Go back... away with you... Very near-view of a Dog eye; frontal shot of the human chaser, doctor Tatos in front of them, dog whinings are heard. Frontal shot of the dogs, very calm now, going toward their masters, shroud in darkness the ones behind, illuminated the first two; upward diagonal shot that shows dogs at the right and humans to the left. Dr. Tatos: Foolish dogs, what have you achieved? Nothing! Dr. Tatos turns to his men, near-view of his face, diagonal shot. Dr.Tatos: We are dealing with beldam here, as I always told you all! Shot of the moon, quite candid; suddenly, Olympia body flux downward very fast, precipitating; shot change, distant view, an epithaph on a cliff rim, somebody in front of it. Shot change. Frontal view of the young boy, slightly feminine. There is a cart with an horse attached to it behind him. Straw in the rear of the cart. The horse is eating some grass. The young child has a contadino's hat on his hands, both at his chest. Young boy: Mother of mine, it's been four years since an angel came to you... Front view of the tomb, flowers on it's base. The name Jora Mihail is chiseled on it, along with the date 1870- 1895. During the viewing of the tomb, there is the child speaking. Young Boy: Please, worry not, for the captain is a kind one, and has decided to sustain me trough the allowance of having me on his boat, in the Mediterranean Sea. near-view shot of the child face, proud. Young Boy: It will be a long travel by earth, the by sea. This, however... Shot change, we see the horse in a diagonal shot. Young Boy: ... will happen in the future. Now I'm repairing the house you had bought with your savings... I've even found friends to be helped by... Shot of the name on the epitaph. Young Boy: I'll repair it, then, once finished, I'll... Shot of the boy, he puts his hat on his head, diagonal view. Young Boy: ... I'll be working hard to make you proud of what your son is. He turns toward the chariot with the horse attached to it. Young Boy: I leave you now. Tomorrow, hard works awaits for me. I'll always love you, mom. Shot of epitaph, one last time. Shot of Olympia's mouth now, she is running and panting. Wide shot of her running toward a cliff. Shot of Olympia panting and still running, near-view of her body from the waist and up. Shot change: large view of her stopping right before falling down on the cliff, she is stunned. Upward shot from the pit of the cliff that shows rocks and pebbles falling down and Olympia's silhouette being attendant. The dog's woofs are heard. Frontal shot of Olympia turning backward, shot of Olympia's strained face. Olympia: I'm so tired of all of them. Olympia is still panting. Shot of Olympia's foot slipping on the rock. She yells. Frontal long shot of Young Boy on the carriage, riding it. Dogs woofs listenable. Young Boy: I hear dogs woofs... they are wild ones, maybe? Frontal shot of the boy being hit on the head by a little pebble. Alternative frontal shot of the young boy facing upward and a shadow is on him. Long shot of a Olympia's body falling down into the straw that is into the rear of the boys chariot. The boy is dazzled. Very near shot that pictures the boy in front and Olympia's behind. Olympia has her legs uncovered, all the scars are evident. She has fainted. She looks extremely beautiful while unconscious. The boy is puzzled and scared. Frontal shot of the boy turning back. Shot of Olympia's face, then her most revealed features. Shot of the boy face being marveled. Young Boy: She is an angel... embodied into a flesh shell... Shot of the boy returning to observe the frontal view of the chariot. He is thoughtful. Long shot from behind of the chariot leaving. Y.Boy: God has sent her to me as a message, and I have to deal with her the proper way... Long upward shot of the cliff with the dogs contours and they are growling. Shot change of the dogs, they turn back to their masters. Shot of the masters arriving. A man with a rifle is looking down, puzzled. During the run for the cliff, Dr.Tatos says something. Dr.Tatos: What is happening? Long shot that shows the cliff with dogs and the characters. Man with rifle: She last arrived here, doctor. Shot on the doctor face. He is desperate. Lateral shot of him. Dr:Tatos: She has fallen to her death then? Backshot of the doctor, the man with rifle is in front of him, looking toward the cliff down end. Man with R.: Unless she has birds feathers and wings, I doubt she could catch a flight. Shot of the man, near-view. Man with R.: We have to climb down, but it's too dark... we could die ourselves... near-view shot of the doctors maddening eyes. Lateral shot of the doctor face, he turns toward the other men: Dr.Tatos: What you are waiting for?! Let's hurry up and find another way to reach the down end of the cliff! Long view of the men running away. Dr: Tatos: Hurry up! Schnell! Shot of the doctor turning back while running, like scared by someone behind him. He then stops running. Shot of his back. Dr.Tatos: No way you'll escape, little gypsy girl. Shot of his right hand, straiting in rage. Shot of his glacial eyes. Dr Tatos: You belong to me only! Scene change. Distant view, there are some plant leaves in front of the camera, then the Young Boy chariot is seen in the distance going toward its way. Shot change. We see what the chariot is bringing along straw and Olympya: soft plumpy bags. Scene change. It's day time. Shot of a seagull in near-view, while others are distant. Very long slightly high shot that shows the around, a coastal area (it's the Baltic Sea) and a crumbled building with the horse inside is at the left of the shot, while there is the Young Boy extracting water from a well not very distant from the crumbled edifice. There is, in the distance, an approaching chariot. Shot change: later view of the boy, sweating a little, his face very focused on the extraction. Scene change: the boy is pouring the taken water into his own basket. Young Boy: Here you go, deal is dealt for good. Scene change. Large shot of the boy with the chariot and the rides at his side, the house in front of the boy. The chariot is still forwarding. Chariot Man: Howdy, young Vasile? Vasile: Fine, sir. The chariot stops. Shot on Vasile, diagonal, from a good height. He looks a little troubled. Lateral shot on the man smoking a cigar, straw on his chariot, behind him. Chariot Man: Didn't the captain told you you should have started working with him? Lateral shot of Young Vasile, his face is radiant now. Vasile: He told me I'll have to take my time, then once I'm ready, I can be of support to them. Shot that inglobes the man and Vasile: vasile is in front of the man and the shot starts from the rear of the head of the man. Chariot Man: So you are using your time to repair the shack. Shot of the man face, smiling. C.Man: You are a full grown man already, despite your size and features. Quick shot of the feminine glance of Vasile, he reddens a little out of awe because he is still immature in physic. Shot of the C.Man adjusting his shirt collar and commentating more. C.Man: Really can't grasp why your beloved mother moved from Craiova to come reach the wilderness. Frontal shot of the short tower that is part of the building. There are some birds nestling there. Quick frontal shot of Vasile, he is squinting a little to the camera, then turns toward the man. Now shot of him talking to the man, prospective is from the man point of view. Vasile: Well sir I just... Vasile turns toward the building and start to walk. Shot that focuses on the chariot and the two characters. Vasile: … don't know that myself. Near-view shot of the man face looking toward the sky, the he suddenly realize something. Shot of Vasile going into the house, quite distant. C.Man: Vasile, I've heard somebody has escaped from a near psychiatrical hospital. A woman. They say she is an assassin, having killed a guard that tried to stop her. Vasile turns toward him. Shot now focuses on him trying to stay very calm and composed. Vasile: A murderer is on a spree? Back-shot of Vasile, with the C.Man in the distant, using the reins to stimulate his horsies. C.Man: Not in a spree. But she may be roaming around and she is dangerous. Shot of Vasile standing and staying worried, for the man is going away. C.Man: Beware the ones you meet, young man. Godspeed, for now. Frontal shot of the chariot going away. C.Man uses the reins with a stronger hand. C.Man: GIDDAP! Shot shows Vasile's left side of the face while he is looking at the man. The man then turn to him and yells. C.Man: Should you be scared, know that at my place there is always a free spot. Frontal shot that shows Vasile opening the door. Shot from Olympia's spot, a bed she is on, bandaged, a light sheet covering her partial-nudity. Near oblique shot of Olympia's sleeping quiet glance. Vasile: A murderer? Frontal shot of an enthusiastic Vaseline. Vasile: She really can't be. Oblique shot of Vasile now being saddened by the thought that he has seen her mother dying like that. Rear shot that shows Vasile and Olympia. Vasile is taking a stool. Shot of Vasile face turning toward something. Shot of the something: Olympia's blood stained rags. Near shot of Vasile sitting near Olympia on the stool. Olympia is nearer the camera. Shot of Vasile's hand putting down the casket full of water. Rear shot of Vasile sit at the side of the laying Olympia. Vasile: An angelical-looking girl that has such soft traits can't be an homicidial one... Oblique shot of Vasile, being pensive. Rear shot of Vasile standing near a plinth with some photos and portraits on it. Focus on his hand taking a particular photo. Shot of Vasile having the photo in both hands, frontal view. Vasile: Mother of mine... Focus on the photo, a bunch of well dressed people, at the center, Vasile with his mother. Vasile: … is it right, to help one that could be an assassin? Constant zoom on the photo, then fading to black. First Episode End Closing: The closing shows the credits scrolling and on the background there is Olympia sleeping in the dark, and there are various stances of her the camera is focusing on. The song is in ancient italian – I'll provide the lyrics. While she sleeps, all the butterflies that had emanated in the opening are flying around. When the ending is finished, there is a focus on Olympia's face and she opens her eyes. Olympia: The mêlée has yet to reach an end.

[QUOTE=lol90;41778291]How the opening is: Pretty much, the opening is very simple, yet effective: there is black, nothing around. The atmosphere is eerie. Few moments, we notice that there is a butterfly made of light flying around. She then poses herself on a girl soft and meager finger: the camera shows us the girls face, she turns to the camera, her eyes are witty. She then turns toward the camera with her body as well and we notice her body is non existant, because it's shroud by darkness. Once she points her finger toward us, with the butterly on it, she expands in thousands of butterflies that reveil her body and the background, the prior being on the ground and the latter being grass.[/QUOTE] I'm confused, the camera is already on her face, then she turns to the camera then her body turns to the camera but there is no body. What Also, how can we see her finger if there's no body? Is it ~dark figures~ [B]Edited:[/B] You should try storyboarding

[QUOTE=Gwoodman;41778364]I'm confused, the camera is already on her face, then she turns to the camera then her body turns to the camera but there is no body. What Also, how can we see her finger if there's no body? Is it ~dark figures~[/QUOTE] She has the face turned to the camera, but her body is not - cause she in the grass laying down, she is on it with her arm sides and leg sides, then she turns toward the camera with her body means she puts her back in the grass and is looking skyward. The finger, then, is seen as a separate part of her body, but in a shady way,almost like it's part of the darkness. Ps: Thanks, I've corrected that on the original copy.

If you're in school, ask your teachers for help, if not, go to school. Try not to be so dark and mysterious in the opening.

[QUOTE=Gwoodman;41778447]If you're in school, ask your teachers for help, if not, go to school. Try not to be so dark and mysterious in the opening.[/QUOTE] You mean I'm illiterate and needs to rehash my school course?

[QUOTE=lol90;41778535]You mean I'm illiterate and needs to rehash my school course?[/QUOTE] Easy there fellow. I mean you should improve your writing skills instead of jumping into the big boat immediately. How many times have you seen an opening with a unknown figure with something weird happening to it? Or a prisoner trying to escape their holder? Make your audience awe, doesn't need to be the most original thing ever but an unexpected surprise is always an eye opener. [B]Edited:[/B] And I'll insist, if you don't know storyboarding, go learn it.

[QUOTE=Gwoodman;41778605]Easy there fellow. I mean you should improve your writing skills instead of jumping into the big boat immediately. How many times have you seen an opening with a unknown figure with something weird happening to it? Or a prisoner trying to escape their holder? Make your audience awe, doesn't need to be the most original thing ever but an unexpected surprise is always an eye opener.[/QUOTE] Wait. Opening is the show opening, the one that gives start to all the episodes.

[QUOTE=lol90;41778630]Wait. Opening is the show opening, the one that gives start to all the episodes.[/QUOTE] Yes? [B]Edited: [/B]Now I know how my teachers really felt in certain situations :v:

So, nobody has any suggestions?

Needs tits, ass and violence

[QUOTE=Lufttygger306;41783022]Needs tits, ass and violence[/QUOTE] That is already there in subtle ways to accentuate the kinky aspects. Anything else pleazo?

Crucial bits of writing a script is defining in short where and when a scene is played out. For instance, a jungle scene would be written as this: [quote]EXT. DENSE JUNGLE - MIDNIGHT:[/quote] Or a living room scene like this: [quote]INT. LIVINGROOM - MORNING:[/quote] Generally also write dialogue and actions like this: [quote]GENERIC SOLDIER: (looking at Generic Medic) Wow, I lost my leg. Incredible. GENERIC MEDIC: (chews a handful of dorits, starts bandaging leg) Yeah, whoa, like, holy shit dude.[/quote] Separate individual character actions from more general things. Like, if it's your character doing something vital to his/her part, put it near their dialogue. If multiple characters do several things at once, group them together. In the end, your script should look something like this: [quote]EXT. BACKYARD - MID DAY: Dad character at grill, Mom character at table, preparing cutlery. Son character in sandbox playing with toys. DAD CHARACTER (puts steak on grill and smiles) Wow, I sure love me some steak. Lord knows I love steak! MOM CHARACTER (turns around and gives a thumbs up) The best steak is Pigs Inc grade F meat! We love it! Son character trips, grill exploding. Dad Character loses leg. Mom character dead. DAD CHARACTER (confused) Holey doley![/quote] And it's pretty common to center the text as well. Look up some other scripts on the internet for various movies/TV-shows to get some more grasp of it. Happy writing!

Thanks. [editline]10th August 2013[/editline] Hi there. I've upgraded the full script of the first episode. It's in my style. I'd like to know if it is: 1) clear to understand 2) quite technical 3) easy to get as a spectator 4) applicable what it is written about screenplay 5) if the plot starts to be intriguing and could be catching 6) about opening and endings That's it. Thank you for your helpo.

i don't know.. i think it needs more dinosaurs

Really? Nobody can give me serious suggestions? I've decided to present this to most of the London Tv studios once it's complete, your help would be lovely.

[QUOTE=lol90;41788451]Really? Nobody can give me serious suggestions? I've decided to present this to most of the London Tv studios once it's complete, your help would be lovely.[/QUOTE] You're leading us on, aren't you?

Needs more interior crocodile alligators.