• Had to write a poem for school.
    20 replies, posted
So I wrote this poem and I was just wandering what you guys thought of it. War is hell It was the first day of my life. It was the last day of my childhood. It was the beginning of the end I signed up for 10 or more years Knowing that the life-span was 2 My naive mind didn’t want to think of it My first orders to go And in the heat of the war I ran for cover The sound of bullets wizing over head As my friend fell he cried for his mother I held him as his body grew colder We were surrounded Then my captain grabbed me He yelled and yelled And then He stopped yelling And I noticed his head was gone I sit back down and see I have only one bullet left I lift the gun up Pray to god and pull the trigger I saw my body as I left it Knowing that war is hell and that I know no other hell could exist (also if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes please tell me. Politely!)
Why doesn't it ryhme?
The "And I noticed his head was gone" was a pretty well... it just did not sound like it belonged there. [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32897800]Why doesn't it ryhme?[/QUOTE] Oh that too.
Its free-verse so it doesn't have to rhyme.
[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32897800]Why doesn't it ryhme?[/QUOTE] Poems don't always have to rhyme good sir! :eng101:
There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam. Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b]
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898035]There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam. Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b][/QUOTE] Because nothing matters more in poetry than rhyming, right?
[QUOTE=DudeGuyKT;32898120]Because nothing matters more in poetry than rhyming, right?[/QUOTE] You could say that.
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898128]You could say that.[/QUOTE] You silly cat
[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32898148]You silly cat[/QUOTE] Hey Burger I ain't no cat.
I always disliked free-verse poetry. Why not simply make it prose, then? Also, it seems a bit over-dramatic while, at the same time, dull. Like it really wants to be over-dramatic but fails to do so.
There are quite a few things that you could change. In the first three verses, you could refrain from using "It was" too much, it's too repetitive. It was the first day of my life and the last day of my childhood the beginning of the end Also, your tenses seem to change a lot and it's very confusing. You could use imagery or rather imply that something happens than bluntly stating it. It's also jumpy and perhaps a bit unrealistic. Then my captain grabbed me (Why? You could omit this sentence) He yelled and yelled (you could add some more detail in this line) And then He stopped yelling And I noticed his head was gone These last three verses could be rewritten to sound better. These are a bit jumpy. I don't mean to completely deprecate and revision your work that it isn't yours, but I would rewrite it to be something like this. My captain was continuously screaming orders his voice danced violently around my ears amidst the gunfire and bloodshed but suddenly the dictations ceased and us boys ran onward only by instinct I could not look back but I would infer a speeding bullet must have quelled his roars Something along the lines of that, give it some more poetic justice, it doesn't have to be vivid and matter-of-factually.
Poems don't need to rhyme you uneducated dolts.
[QUOTE=Zorus;32898223]There are quite a few things that you could change. In the first three verses, you could refrain from using "It was" too much, it's too repetitive. It was the first day of my life and the last day of my childhood the beginning of the end Also, your tenses seem to change a lot and it's very confusing. You could use imagery or rather imply that something happens than bluntly stating it. It's also jumpy and perhaps a bit unrealistic. Then my captain grabbed me (Why? You could omit this sentence) He yelled and yelled (you could add some more detail in this line) And then He stopped yelling And I noticed his head was gone These last three verses could be rewritten to sound better. These are a bit jumpy. I don't mean to completely deprecate and revision your work that it isn't yours, but I would rewrite it to be something like this. My captain was continuously screaming orders his voice danced violently around my ears amidst the gunfire and bloodshed but suddenly the dictations ceased and us boys ran onward only by instinct I could not look back but I would infer a speeding bullet must have quelled his roars Something along the lines of that, give it some more poetic justice, it doesn't have to be vivid and matter-of-factually.[/QUOTE] Dam! man that was good.
I was just [B]wandering[/B]
Gay.
[QUOTE=:v:;32904393]Gay.[/QUOTE] No.
I did another poem because the last one was meh. this time it's about Phoenix Wright. Objection! I see standing on the witness stand All of your guilt hidden from the light But I see the darkness in your heart And all will become clear When I point and yell objection!
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898035]There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam. Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b][/QUOTE] That made perfect sense. It told the heart filled story of a ham who just couldn't give a damn, so he drove into a dam.
[QUOTE=Zarjk;32904831]No.[/QUOTE] yea hes right OPs poem is pretty gay
[QUOTE=Jacob_sword;32911340]I did another poem because the last one was meh. this time it's about Phoenix Wright. Objection! I see standing on the witness stand All of your guilt hidden from the light But I see the darkness in your heart And all will become clear When I point and yell objection![/QUOTE] I find writing about things you have actually experienced helps the flow of the creative mind. I am assuming you have not been fighting in a war or on trial. Also you could try writing about something happy.
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