So I wrote this poem and I was just wandering what you guys thought of it.
War is hell
It was the first day of my life.
It was the last day of my childhood.
It was the beginning of the end
I signed up for 10 or more years
Knowing that the life-span was 2
My naive mind didn’t want to think of it
My first orders to go
And in the heat of the war
I ran for cover
The sound of bullets wizing over head
As my friend fell he cried for his mother
I held him as his body grew colder
We were surrounded
Then my captain grabbed me
He yelled and yelled
And then
He stopped yelling
And I noticed his head was gone
I sit back down and see I have only one bullet left
I lift the gun up
Pray to god and pull the trigger
I saw my body as I left it
Knowing that war is hell and that I know no other hell could exist
(also if there are any grammar and spelling mistakes please tell me. Politely!)
Why doesn't it ryhme?
The "And I noticed his head was gone" was a pretty well... it just did not sound like it belonged there.
[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32897800]Why doesn't it ryhme?[/QUOTE]
Oh that too.
Its free-verse so it doesn't have to rhyme.
[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32897800]Why doesn't it ryhme?[/QUOTE]
Poems don't always have to rhyme good sir! :eng101:
There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam.
Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b]
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898035]There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam.
Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b][/QUOTE]
Because nothing matters more in poetry than rhyming, right?
[QUOTE=DudeGuyKT;32898120]Because nothing matters more in poetry than rhyming, right?[/QUOTE]
You could say that.
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898128]You could say that.[/QUOTE]
You silly cat
[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;32898148]You silly cat[/QUOTE]
Hey Burger I ain't no cat.
I always disliked free-verse poetry. Why not simply make it prose, then?
Also, it seems a bit over-dramatic while, at the same time, dull. Like it really wants to be over-dramatic but fails to do so.
There are quite a few things that you could change. In the first three verses, you could refrain from using "It was" too much, it's too repetitive.
It was the first day of my life
and the last day of my childhood
the beginning of the end
Also, your tenses seem to change a lot and it's very confusing. You could use imagery or rather imply that something happens than bluntly stating it. It's also jumpy and perhaps a bit unrealistic.
Then my captain grabbed me (Why? You could omit this sentence)
He yelled and yelled (you could add some more detail in this line)
And then
He stopped yelling
And I noticed his head was gone
These last three verses could be rewritten to sound better. These are a bit jumpy. I don't mean to completely deprecate and revision your work that it isn't yours, but I would rewrite it to be something like this.
My captain was continuously screaming orders
his voice danced violently around my ears
amidst the gunfire and bloodshed
but suddenly the dictations ceased
and us boys ran onward only by instinct
I could not look back but I would infer
a speeding bullet must have quelled his roars
Something along the lines of that, give it some more poetic justice, it doesn't have to be vivid and matter-of-factually.
Poems don't need to rhyme you uneducated dolts.
[QUOTE=Zorus;32898223]There are quite a few things that you could change. In the first three verses, you could refrain from using "It was" too much, it's too repetitive.
It was the first day of my life
and the last day of my childhood
the beginning of the end
Also, your tenses seem to change a lot and it's very confusing. You could use imagery or rather imply that something happens than bluntly stating it. It's also jumpy and perhaps a bit unrealistic.
Then my captain grabbed me (Why? You could omit this sentence)
He yelled and yelled (you could add some more detail in this line)
And then
He stopped yelling
And I noticed his head was gone
These last three verses could be rewritten to sound better. These are a bit jumpy. I don't mean to completely deprecate and revision your work that it isn't yours, but I would rewrite it to be something like this.
My captain was continuously screaming orders
his voice danced violently around my ears
amidst the gunfire and bloodshed
but suddenly the dictations ceased
and us boys ran onward only by instinct
I could not look back but I would infer
a speeding bullet must have quelled his roars
Something along the lines of that, give it some more poetic justice, it doesn't have to be vivid and matter-of-factually.[/QUOTE]
Dam! man that was good.
I was just [B]wandering[/B]
Gay.
[QUOTE=:v:;32904393]Gay.[/QUOTE]
No.
I did another poem because the last one was meh.
this time it's about Phoenix Wright.
Objection!
I see standing on the witness stand
All of your guilt hidden from the light
But I see the darkness in your heart
And all will become clear
When I point and yell objection!
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;32898035]There once was a Ham would did not give a damn, so he got in his ram and drove right into a dam.
Makes no sense [b]but it rhymes[/b][/QUOTE]
That made perfect sense. It told the heart filled story of a ham who just couldn't give a damn, so he drove into a dam.
[QUOTE=Zarjk;32904831]No.[/QUOTE]
yea hes right OPs poem is pretty gay
[QUOTE=Jacob_sword;32911340]I did another poem because the last one was meh.
this time it's about Phoenix Wright.
Objection!
I see standing on the witness stand
All of your guilt hidden from the light
But I see the darkness in your heart
And all will become clear
When I point and yell objection![/QUOTE]
I find writing about things you have actually experienced helps the flow of the creative mind. I am assuming you have not been fighting in a war or on trial. Also you could try writing about something happy.
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