As you can tell by the title this is my work in progress English essay about zombies. The main idea of posting this is so i can get feedback and constructive criticism. so here it is.
Zomboid
It hasn’t always been this way, for the first two months of the outbreak it was contained. Me and my brother Stephen lived near one of the outbreak, my brother is 13 and I’m 18. When things got out of control we were evacuated, we were split from our parents. For the first month we were on the road traveling, until the infected caught up during the nigh.
“STEPHEN WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO GO THE INFECTED HAVE CAUGH UP!”
I woke up my brother and we ran, but we new we couldn’t run forever, we had to hide or we would be killed.
“Look Jason, a gas station!”
“It could be full of infected, but we have to risk it.”
We ran in, we ran into the storage room. The only thing we could hear was the infected run past the station. We heard the door creak open, the groaning and mumbling of the infected getting closer, and closer. We had no choice.
“We’re going to have to make a run for it Stephen.”
“Are you sure, it might leave?”
“Look, we have two choices. We can sit here and get killed, or get killed trying to leave.”
“Fine, let’s go.”
We decided to run. We burst out the door, the infected grabbed Stephen.
“JASON HELP ME!”
I tried everything I could; I kicked, punched and threw junk at him, but with no success.
“STEPHEN!”
They got him, I was unable to save the only thing I cared about…
P.S: As I write more of this I do plan to add it to this, so come check for updates during this week, if you want I'm not forcing you. Also if this gets enough good feedback I will try continuing this, kinda like a webstory.
Edit:
Just noticed a grammar error. Which is now fixed.
Is this all one big extract, or a variety of extracts?
[editline]20th June 2011[/editline]
Because no offense, but this is really pretty bad if its supposed to be the start of the story.
its just the start, but thanks for for contributing.
Edit:
It's supposed to start like that, like a surprise.
This is not pleasing to read. Normally my advice to new writers is, "quit overdescribing everything," but you've got the exact opposite problem: you don't describe [i]anything.[/i] You're most descriptive sentence is, "We ran in, we ran into the storage room," and that's almost depressing. In addition to completely undefined settings, you give us totally empty characters, making it impossible for anybody to sympathize when they're killed off quickly and anticlimactically.
You can't write a story on dialogue alone (and if you could, you'd still fall short, because yours has no flow or believability), so you have to use some descriptive writing to paint the picture you want, or else your English teacher is going to make you sit in the Shame Corner.
Yeah, the pacing is pretty terrible. Everything just happens with no elaboration. It's just very sparsely written.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30585978]its just the start, but thanks for for contributing.
Edit:
It's supposed to start like that, like a surprise.[/QUOTE]
It doesn't matter that its a surprise, it's a book, not a movie, extremely sudden starts do not go well.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30585896]As you can tell by the title this is my work in progress English essay about zombies. The main idea of posting this is so i can get feedback and constructive criticism. so here it is.
Zomboid
It hasn’t always been this way, for the first two months of the outbreak it was contained. Me and my brother Stephen lived near one of the outbreak, my brother is 13 and I’m 18. When things got out of control we were evacuated, we were split from our parents. For the first month we were on the road traveling, until the infected caught up during the nigh.
“STEPHEN WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO GO THE INFECTED HAVE CAUGH UP!”
I woke up my brother and we ran, but we new we couldn’t run forever, we had to hide or we would be killed.
“Look Jason, a gas station!”
“It could be full of infected, but we have to risk it.”
We ran in, we ran into the storage room. The only thing we could hear was the infected run past the station. We heard the door creak open, the groaning and mumbling of the infected getting closer, and closer. We had no choice.
“We’re going to have to make a run for it Stephen.”
“Are you sure, it might leave?”
“Look, we have two choices. We can sit here and get killed, or get killed trying to leave.”
“Fine, let’s go.”
We decided to run. We burst out the door, the infected grabbed Stephen.
“JASON HELP ME!”
I tried everything I could; I kicked, punched and threw junk at him, but with no success.
“STEPHEN!”
They got him, I was unable to save the only thing I cared about…
P.S: As I write more of this I do plan to add it to this, so come check for updates during this week, if you want I'm not forcing you. Also if this gets enough good feedback I will try continuing this, kinda like a webstory.
Edit:
Just noticed a grammar error. Which is now fixed.[/QUOTE]
the only think your 18 year old main character ever cared about was his brother? that's retarded and melodramatic.
Am going to describe Jason in the next paragraph, the whole point is that you don't know what he is like until after he loses Stephen, this is when he changes and shows what type of person he is and how he feels after he losses his brother and his parents.
[QUOTE=Pandemix;30586066]It doesn't matter that its a surprise, it's a book, not a movie, extremely sudden starts do not go well.[/QUOTE]
Sudden starts can go very well, as long as you're appropriately setting the tone for the rest of the story. The only thing being set in this story is a short countdown to the point where people stop reading.
[QUOTE=Kybalt;30586109]the only think your 18 year old main character ever cared about was his brother? that's retarded and melodramatic.[/QUOTE]
Nice quote, and the point is he is close to his brother which causes him to show people around him what he is like. Like in the next part he meets more people who ask him who and what type of person he is.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586112]Am going to describe Jason in the next paragraph, the whole point is that you don't know what he is like until after he loses Stephen, this is when he changes and shows what type of person he is and how he feels after he losses his brother and his parents.[/QUOTE]
That's fair enough but BDA's comment still stands. You need to stop moving through the story too fast. There are also a fair few spelling mistakes.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586112]Am going to describe Jason in the next paragraph, the whole point is that you don't know what he is like until after he loses Stephen, this is when he changes and shows what type of person he is and how he feels after he losses his brother and his parents.[/QUOTE]
You know what I say? Fuck Jason. Fuck his brother. Fuck his parents. I don't give a shit about any of them because you haven't [i]made[/i] me give a shit about any of them. I hope Jason gets raped. I hope he is literally bent over a can and raped. Hard. I hope it fucking ruins him.
Make me care about the characters, and then I'll care about what you do to them. Work on making your story, your settings, your dialogue, and your characters more believable and more relateable. Right now "Jason" is just a faceless name. "Stephen" is just a faceless name. Give them faces. Describe your settings. You can't just [i]tell[/i] us what's happening, you have to [i]show[/i] us.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;30586113]Sudden starts can go very well, as long as you're appropriately setting the tone for the rest of the story. The only thing being set in this story is a short countdown to the point where people stop reading.[/QUOTE]
Maybe they can, it's just that I've never read a book with a good sudden start, do you mind recommending some to me, I'm curious to read them now.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586202]Nice quote, and the point is he is close to his brother which causes him to show people around him what he is like. Like in the next part he meets more people who ask him who and what type of person he is.[/QUOTE]
Don't try and justify what's being criticised. Instead try to understand why he's right. People generally have things more or at least equally as important as their siblings.
I understand what he means, i am planing to slow the story, as you suggested.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;30586209]You know what I say? Fuck Jason. Fuck his brother. Fuck his parents. I don't give a shit about any of them because you haven't [i]made[/i] me give a shit about any of them. I hope Jason gets raped. I hope he is literally bent over a can and raped. Hard. I hope it fucking ruins him.[/QUOTE]
By a zombie? Maybe the infection is an STD and turns people into mutant rapists.
Sounds like something the Japanese would come up with
Edit
Jesus shit, automog brok
[QUOTE=Pandemix;30586216]Maybe they can, it's just that I've never read a book with a good sudden start, do you mind recommending some to me, I'm curious to read them now.[/QUOTE]
Hell, I dunno. I'm just saying that sudden starts, as a story-telling technique, can be used very effectively to set the tone and pace of the story as a whole. They're a bit tricky, since you don't care about any of the characters yet, but when they're done right they can be fine.
For a zombie example, take 28 Weeks Later. That movie had about as sudden a start as you could hope for, but it was pretty damn powerful. Hell, that one scene made the entire movie for me. Even though the rest of the film kind of sucked by comparison, the first ten minutes colored my opinion of the rest of the movie. A book is the same thing as a movie, except you use words to paint pictures rather than images. That scene, put in words by a good writer, would still be just as powerful.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;30586209]-RAGE MODE-.[/QUOTE]
Ok, calm down there...
Make the introductory paragraph a fair bit longer. Try building up some form of suspense (not sure if that'd be the right word) by describing events up to the evacuation, like your generic TV news reports about "Serial killers", then "Mass rioting" etc. instead of JUST focusing on the characters. You can also talk about how despite these warning signs, life kept going as normal until you started seeing people around you getting sick blah blah generic zombie plot?
Hell, just make a Prologue!
[editline]20th June 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586273]Ok, calm down there...[/QUOTE]
He's just using vulgar language to push his point, which is a valid one. There is no connection between the audience and the characters because very little is known of or about said characters.
morbo, thank you only good suggestion so far. I will extend the into make it more interesting to read.
Most things people have said so far is valid advice.
Another possibility is to improve the current section, end it in a climax and THEN go back to the start in a sort of flashback kind of thing. Not sure how well it would work in literature but it's something often used in TV/film
Another thing is a complete lack of tension. For example, one line we're reading that they just got in the closet, the next they're running from it. Keep them in there for a few sentences, give them emotion and create tension maybe by describing maybe the noises the infected is making and the fact that it's getting closer and closer. Also, you should describe how they're speaking, because as far as the reader can tell they're screaming at the top of their lungs, hiding in this closet.
yes but you are the only one to give direct suggestions.
So you want us to just [b]tell[/b] you how to write the story? Beat by beat? Line by line?
Want me to start brainstorming character backgrounds for you? Maybe draft out an outline of the rest of the story?
did you ever learn what the word "suggestion" means, i dont want a full blown character background. just suggestions.
Zomboid, if you are going to validate people's suggestions and only accept or even read a tiny, select few of them then you're going to look like an overconfident ass who nobody wants to help. Be open to all forms of criticism, and open your mind to the fact that somebody else's advice may work better for your story.
By the way, how old are you? That will probably help the people criticizing the essay, as they will have a better idea of what writing level you're at, and what you can and can't do.
i am, some people are just being complete dicks.
"Jason Takeshi was once the emperor of feudal Japan, but then he got caught in a time anomaly! Now he's living in the modern world with his wacky younger brother Stephen--and if that's not enough, zombies are out to eat his brain! Takeshi always wanted to bring Japan into the future, but he never imagined this!"
I wrote a synopsis for you. I think you can probably take it from here.
still not reading big dumb american? looks like it didint ask for what you just posted.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586587]i am, some people are just being complete dicks.[/QUOTE]
While I can't tell you whether I agree or disagree with that statement, that is just how some people get their points across on Facepunch. Sometimes it is the OP's job to sift through and decide whether the person giving a suggestion is trolling or (even if they are being a jerk about it) if they have something useful to say.
[QUOTE=zomboid;30586587]i am, some people are just being complete dicks.[/QUOTE]
Trust me, the level of negativity which you think you're seeing is definitely not here.
But judging by your attitude you're practically begging for it.
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