This is a satirical essay by Dave Barry, read it in my english class a few weeks back during our satire theme. Has great laughs.
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I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: ``I think Peruvians are underpaid.'' Say: ``The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.''
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: ``This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?'' Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say ``You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.''
Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as ``Q.E.D.,'' ``e.g.,'' and ``i.e.'' These are all short for ``I speak Latin, and you do not.''
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: ``Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money.''
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: ``Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.''
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what ``parameters'' means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: ``As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...''
Your opponent says: ``Lincoln died in 1865.''
You say: ``You're begging the question.''
OR
You say: ``Liberians, like most Asians...''
Your opponent says: ``Liberia is in Africa.''
You say: ``You're being defensive.''
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: ``That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say'' or ``You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.''
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull this on people who generally carry weapons.
Youre begging the question, OP :colbert:
I could write a way better essay on winning arguments than THAT guy.
I think il try this
This sounds like the way Hitler argued.
I'm studying argumentation right now in psychology, this is a low-blow against all pages I've read about it.
:colbert:
You learn something new everyday like what Adolph Hitler said back in the Korean war.
In the case of Jack v. Edgarston in 1873, he argued that 24% of citizens were less likely to argue like this
[QUOTE=MasterG;28264276]No he didn't.[/QUOTE]
Sounds like something Adolf Hitler would've said.
[QUOTE=Devfrost;28264307]Sounds like something Adolf Hitler would've said.[/QUOTE]
You're being defensive.
The only arguments I get into are with idiots who immediately go for a personal blow.
So it stops being an argument.
[QUOTE=Skiazo;28263439]Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
[B]Per se[/B]
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as ``Q.E.D.,'' ``e.g.,'' and ``i.e.'' These are all short for ``I speak Latin, and you do not.''[/QUOTE]
:laugh:
Perse means ass in finnish.
[QUOTE=Oxu365;28266387]:laugh:
Perse means ass in finnish.[/QUOTE]
What are your parameters?
[QUOTE=Trumple;28266503]What are your parameters?[/QUOTE]
You're being defensive
This is such a truthful thread.
I've won so many debates with utter bullshit and big words. :smug:
[QUOTE=Oxu365;28266585]You're being defensive[/QUOTE]
You're begging the question.
Let me put it this way, the only real way to win an argument per se, is to repeat what your opponent says in a mocking tone of voice, so to speak.Q.E.D
As it were, the only person who could disagree with me would be Adolf Hitler.
What are my parameters?
[QUOTE=hl2poo;28266827]What are my parameters?[/QUOTE]
You are begging the question
Summary: If you have no knowledge on the subject, act like a smart ass and make up stuff.
[QUOTE=Ohforf;28266901]That's not really winning the argument, that's just showing off as an idiot and a person that nobody really likes to argue or talk with.[/QUOTE]
This reminds me of something that Adolf Hitler would say
[QUOTE=Harmonizer;28266730]You're begging the question.[/QUOTE]
Don't compare apples and oranges.
[QUOTE='Poesidan [GAG];28266963']Summary: If you have no knowledge on the subject, act like a smart ass and make up stuff.[/QUOTE]
You are acting defensive
[QUOTE=Ohforf;28266901]That's not really winning the argument, that's just showing off as an idiot and a person that nobody really likes to argue or talk with.[/QUOTE]
Hey. A win is a win.
No one else has to know that you won by default because the other guy decided you're too retarded to even waste his time with.
Point of the matter is you won. :colbert:
[QUOTE=Ohforf;28266901]That's not really winning the argument, that's just showing off as an idiot and a person that nobody really likes to argue or talk with.[/QUOTE]
I don't think people like people that can't take a joke either
ITT: People use the same 5 lines to counteract eachother.
[QUOTE=Balrog;28267085]ITT: People use the same 5 lines to counteract eachother.[/QUOTE]
You're being defensive.
This sounds like something Stephen Potter might have written (I'm not making that name up, he wrote several great books).
[QUOTE=Ohforf;28267099]What about serious people :saddowns:[/QUOTE]
You can be a serious person and have a sense of humor.
And like Abraham Lincoln would say, you're being defensive.
[QUOTE=Balrog;28267085]ITT: People use the same 5 lines to counteract eachother.[/QUOTE]
What are your parameters?
[editline]24th February 2011[/editline]
On a more serious note, rated Useful, this could come in handy someday, although I consider my argument skills average.
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