I made a thread the other day of my story for English. I took the wise words of the few that commented on it and re-drafted and this is what i wrote. Hope you enjoy it, feel free to give constructive criticism and advise.
P.s. Yes, it was inspired by Shawshank redemption and it may seem short but consider that it is normally written on A4 paper.
A sinister chill stormed through the court room, followed by a dead silence. This silence was broken by Andy’s psychopathic laughter; he kept staring at the judge with a grin and a twitch in his left eye. Andy was thirty five; he was tall with green eyes and short hair, he wore a plain white shirt and jeans that looked ragged at the ends, he was skinny and looked pale and sick. If you saw him down the street you would have crossed the road to avoid walking past him. Unlike the Johnson family, who were foolish enough to let him in. They paid for it with their lives.
The Judge banged his gavel. His bottom lip was trembling and his eyes were wide open and fixed on Andy. The Judge’s name was Edward Gold. He was tall and had blond hair and blue eyes, an old fashioned typical Judge. In all his forty four years of being a Judge, he had never met a criminal quite like this. He looked to the Jury; their eyes were wide open, their mouths shivering at the thought of Andy. The Judge then turned back to Andy; he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Andy Brandson," the Judge said in a loud, deep tone, "I have never met a man who is so cold inside. Therefore, I have no choice but to sentence you to Swamp Prison where you will spend the rest of your life." He slammed his gavel one more time. A sigh of relief swept through the room, knowing Andy Brandson was behind bars.
Andy burst into laughter. He started jumping up and down as giddy as a school boy. Then suddenly, his grin turned into a stale, cold look. He glared at the Judge, still with the twitch in his left eye and he was taken away to the Black Maria that would take him to Swamp Prison.
Swamp Prison was small and overcrowded the perfect place for a psychopathic, murdering maniac. It was the most successful prison in the world. It walls stretched up to the sky, its guards armed and ready to shoot to kill. In all sixty five years of the prison’s history not one person had ever escaped. People said it was because of the wardens. They had a reputation for ruling with an iron fist. Andrew Stone was the latest warden. Andrew Stone, was massive, he wore a cowboy hat and carried a magnum in his pocket. He believed in one thing and one thing only: Retribution.
Andy took his first steps into Swamp Prison and all of the other prisoners gathered around the old, metal gate to cheer the new inmates and welcome them into their hell. Their clothes were gray and dirty, their spirits broken. Andy still retained his grin and twitch. He looked around and lined up in front of the head guard and the warden.
"Hello," The warden said calmly walking down the line. "My name is Andrew Stone and I am your warden for the rest of your miserable lives." He looked at the papers with the prisoners’ information on. "You won’t do anything without my premonition."
Andy laughed.
"You think that’s funny? You’re going to look funnier with no teeth. What’s your name?" The warden asked.
"Andy," followed by a twitch.
The warden shuffled through his papers until he found Andy’s.
"Ah, yes Andy Brandson. Sent here for murder, by..."He paused for a moment then looked up at Andy.
"You were sent here by Judge Edward Gold."
"Yeah, what of it?" Andy replied. The whole yard went quiet, the warden looked around, and everyone stared at him.
"I think we need a little chat." The warden and Andy then walked into the main office and locked the door behind them. The head guard even looked confused. He looked back at the line.
"Well! Are you going to stand there all day? Come on! Move it!" The head guard shouted.
Sitting in a cell at night is hard. The first night is always the hardest; it feels like it lasts forever, just you and your thoughts till the sun rises. When the sun rises it makes a man feel free and fills them with hope that one day they will see the glistening sun without walls or bars reminding them of reality. At least that’s what Roman Groom thought.
Roman Groom was aged nineteen. He was the youngest person in Swamp Prison and the only one who was innocent. His hair was short, he had brown eyes and had a childhood innocents about him. Roman had been charged for breaking and entering and was sent to Swamp Prison for ten years. Four years had passed since he walked through those gates. Now he is a changed man; broken inside; his life destroyed; cold and desperate inside. So when Andy said he could break him out tomorrow, how could he resist?
Andy didn’t say anything about the plan, he just said he could get Roman out and that he would come to collect him when he was ready. Any normal man would question that but Roman would have crawled through a mile of faeces if it got him an inch out of this place. No one knows why Andy choose Roman, they didn’t even know each other; some say Andy felt sorry and wanted Roman to be free; some say it was a random choice; other say, Roman Groom was just another victim.
Another day passed and as light turned into darkness and the moon lit the world, Roman was left waiting in his cell. His thoughts were filled with doubt and a lack of hope for a long time there was a hint of a smile. It was insane, a man he had never met before was offering him a way out and didn’t explain how but Roman believed Andy for some reason.
Then in the deep silence of the night, the sound of a gate opening was heard. Standing at the foot of Romans bed was Andy. His hands help the keys to the cells; he lifted them up in the air and dangled them in front of Roman.
"You coming?" Said Andy confidently.
"Erm," Roman froze for a moment. Then got up and smiled.
"Of course I am."
Andy chuckled a little, and then they sneakily ran off the prison block to the warden’s office. It was less of an office and more of a gun shop; the walls were covered in them.
"What are we doing here?" asked Roman.
"Keys," replied Andy as he looked through draws.
Roman looked around too, a picture caught his eye. It was of the warden and a beautiful young blond woman. In the picture the warden hadn’t changed a bit, except for, he never wears a ring.
"I found the keys," whispered Andy.
"Great, let’s get going."
The amazing thing about their escape was there wasn’t a guard in slight, they just strolled out and were finally free of walls and bars. Roman dropped to his knee; finally where he belongs; outside, free from lock and keep. Not even the heavy rain dampened his spirit.
"What now?" Asked Roman with a smile and a spring in his step.
"Well, I have this place in the country, where we could kill some time." The twitch in Andy returned. "It’s about a day’s walk away."
"That sounds good."
Andy and Roman started walking as a free man; over the rolling hills; through the crystal clear waters; through the lush grass while smelling the clean air. They came to a giant oak tree which seemed to stretch up to the sky. It branches pointed in all direction, covered in brown leave that rustled in the wind. Both of them decided it would be a good place to sleep. Both of them stayed up, Andy’s eyes were wide open, still with the twitches in his left eye, while Roman waited for the sun to come up and touch the rivers, hills and forests with its beauty.
The next day they arrived at Andy’s house. It wasn’t a house but more a mansion; it had brown stone walls and large columns. Its windows were clean and its garden vibrant with colours and life but Roman was quick to notice something.
"There are people in that house."
Andy didn’t say anything and walked down the hill that watched over the house and up to the door that was made out of a fine, red wood. He knocked and a tall man with blond hair and blue eyes answered the door.
The man was Judge Edward Gold. Andy pulled out a knife and put it, resting against the Judge’s neck and slowly walked into the house. The house was filled with priceless antiques and fine furniture.
"You!" Trembled the Judge.
Andy laughed loudly.
‘’What is going on Andy?’’ Asked Roman.
"This is the man we have come to kill."
"Kill?" Andy stepped back and started panting. Then is a sudden burst of rage he jumped on Andy’s back shouting.
"No!"
Both of them struggled, the Judge ran for the phone to call the police. In all the confusion they knocked over a small brown wooden table with a framed picture of Judge Edward Gold and a beautiful young blond woman. Then Roman remembered, it all began to make sense now, how they escaped, why they came to this house.
Andy threw Roman off his back and ran off fearing he would be arrested again, Roman sat there, remembering Andrew Stone’s policy.
Retribution...
wtf is wrong with your quotes?
‘’ = Your quotes
" = Normal quotes
[QUOTE=redBadger;19299721]wtf is wrong with your quotes?
‘’ = Your quotes
" = Normal quotes[/QUOTE]
Thank you, I have fixed that.
Did you pass?
*Insert funny joke here*
[QUOTE=laughaholic;19299791]Did you pass?
*Insert funny joke here*[/QUOTE]
I got a B-
[QUOTE=General Stanley;19299832]I got a B-[/QUOTE]
I'm not surprised.
Why has each line of speech got a space above and below it?
[QUOTE=~ZOMG;19300183]I'm not surprised.
Why has each line of speech got a space above and below it?[/QUOTE]
You are supposed to for narrative when different characters are talking
God I hate writing stories as coursework.
Reminds me of when I had to write a 10 page one by hand and make multiple drafts of it, I had to keep rewriting the story over and over again for no real reason at all.
Is this your English Original/Creative writing?
[QUOTE=Stinky Jeff;19300497]Is this your English Original/Creative writing?[/QUOTE]
Yes
[QUOTE=~ZOMG;19300183]I'm not surprised.
Why has each line of speech got a space above and below it?[/QUOTE]
Usually when writing, you have to place a new paragraph after someone speaks with quotes, and you also have to indent.
I got an A* :smug:
The judge was a nazi :(
[QUOTE=erazor;19305160]I got an A* :smug:[/QUOTE]
Help?