Well, I was lurking out of Sensationalist Headlines for once and I caught a glimpse of the Facepunch Anonymous thread. I've been weird recently, emotionally that is, and I thought it would be a good time to fill one in. More than that, I just wanted to formulate something into words for once instead of bottled feelings, and just get it off my chest (A sentence repeated about fifty different times in the aforementioned thread). So I started typing, and typing, and I kept it as vague and as anonymous as I could, but the further I went, the less I wanted to continue with it. I don't want to just throw my feelings to the wind, I want to actually [i]come out[/i] with this stuff. It isn't a sexual identity crisis I'm experiencing, but I feel like it's the same. And yes, I'm aware this is the Internet, so I'm not exactly busting out to the world when I'm masking myself behind a name and avatar, but it's a first step I've been needing to take for years now.
I've been depressed for five years of my life. I consider suicide as a legitimate answer to almost all of my daily issues, and the only reason I can avoid even an attempt at suicide so far is because I rationalize the idea to such an extreme that I make another option seem better. Since waking up at 5PM today, I've considered suicide seven times; Once because I had no more weed to smoke, and again because I was out of my favourite cigarettes and had to borrow from my roommate. It's stupid and petty, but these moments don't even frighten me anymore.
I started drinking heavily two years ago when me and my girlfriend of then-two years broke up for the first time after an entirely failed segment of long-distance relationship. I didn't do it due to depression, I just drank to . . . drink, I guess. She kept me chained pretty well, and not in a negative way. Without her, I changed. At peak, I would drink every day, alone or otherwise, until I was stumbling drunk. I've never drank to unconsciousness but I have suffered acute alcohol poisoning twice. The second time, I partied the night after despite all doctor's warnings. I would have sex twice a month with random women on average, give or take. My best pull was three girls for every day of the weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). Sometimes I'd even just go right ahead and have unprotected sex since I used my last condom on a previous girl. I'm stupid lucky to have not caught an STD of any kind so far, but I continue to take this risk even today out of college at parties. I just don't care for some reason.
Shock and awe, I fail my year of College. On my return the year after to complete my missed semester, I get right back into the same party circles and the cycle continues. Then I start getting into marijuana. It's cheaper than alcohol, the inebriation I feel is better than it, and it's really just more enjoyable to me. It replaces most of my alcohol use and I, once again, become practically an addict. I used it daily and would even skip classes during my critical retake semester and an [i]exam[/i] once just to go get stoned, because I didn't want to bother with the pressure from it. I continued to party four times a week at minimum.
Everything peaked when, at the ripe age of twenty-one, I suffered a kidney stone. This was just last month. To gloss over the details of that, it was the worst pain I have [i]ever experienced holy fucking shit[/i]. The day it happened, my roommates started College again and I was home alone, shambling around the house and moaning in pain from it. I called 911, they took me to hospital, and kept me in observation until the pain dissipated. This would become my first experience with an opiate. They gave me morphine from the pain, and in less than a minute, I went from a writhing, wighting wreck on my stretcher to a gentle nap. It was the best sensation I ever felt, and I was already terrified of what this experience would mean for me. In the end, they couldn't find the stone on Ultrasound and I hadn't passed it yet, so since the pain was gone, they sent me home with a list of prescriptions. And at the top of the list - Oxycodone.
Since then, it's been the worst spiral of my life. I hesitated taking Oxycodone even in moments of heavy pain with my kidney stone since I didn't want to risk anything, but in the end, I knew I would have to endure the pain of passing the stone out my dickhole, so I folded. I took two pills before bed one night to see how effective it was and how long it would take for the effects to kick in as well.
[i]Holy shit[/i], summarizes that experience. It took about 10 minutes on an empty stomach for the goods to really kick in, but I was gone for four hours and I couldn't sleep due to constant sleep paralysis experiences and the inability to stop petting my roommate's now insanely soft cat. After that attempt, I took the remaining twenty pills of oxycodone I had within about a week and a half, taking two, sometimes three at a time, several a day, as often as I could, spending that entire week and a half in an entirely numb state, and still mixing it with marijuana use and the occasional beer, despite all reservations. I even popped pills during social situations and in public.
Now, my last two weeks have been hellish. I can't sleep sober anymore. My moments of sobriety are anxious, melancholic, and entirely depressed. I write all of this with three shots of Crown Royal and a shot of 151 finished as an addition to my breakfast of Lucky Charms. [i]Breakfast[/i]. At some point all of this just replaced the act of actually fighting my depression to just not feeling depressed anymore. But then as soon as my high wears off, or basically once I wake up, all I feel is worse. And then I take more, and I take more, and I just despise everything about myself for it. Yet I continue?
And honestly, after typing all this, I still don't know what to do anymore.
are you seeing a therapist?
should've posted this in the DD
youre gonna regret that
Reading this made me really sad. I really want to help but to be honest I can't. I have never experienced even a fraction of you have gone through. Telling you to see a doctor is just stating the obvious and I won't feel helpful. The only thing I can do is tell you that I hope things turn out for the best.
What you're doing with yourself is called Chronic Suicide. Please, for yourself and the ones who love you get into contact with your local Mental Health Clinic or the Hospital. They will do everything in their power to help you. You will most likely be committed, but it's a small inconvenience to take to keep you living.
You have people who love you who are there for you, and people who will help you out of complete selflessness at your local Hospital. Also, if you ever feel like killing yourself (as in you have a plan) call the Emergency Room at your local hospital. They'll help do everything in their power to help you :smile:
No one wants to see you die, and Facepunch is no exception :smile:
[QUOTE=JDK721;32600642]are you seeing a therapist?[/QUOTE]
I've considered it, but I don't even think of myself important enough to. I'll sit and wonder if I should talk to a professional and my conclusion is always "I don't deserve it."
[QUOTE=Mac2468;32600666]should've posted this in the DD
youre gonna regret that[/QUOTE]
He might as well have posted it in the Urban Exploration.
Play video games, shit, it's the best break from reality and keeps me from my depression.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32600759]I've considered it, but I don't even think of myself important enough to. I'll sit and wonder if I should talk to a professional and my conclusion is always "I don't deserve it."[/QUOTE]
Everyone is important man, come on. You deserve to be happy. We all do.
[QUOTE=jrj996;32600781]Play video games, shit, it's the best break from reality and keeps me from my depression.[/QUOTE]
I role-play pretty heavily on San Andreas Multi-Player, on LSRP (Figure at least [i]one[/i] person knows about it). It was a perfect opportunity to live another life, or a life I wanted to live. Recently though I haven't been able to push myself to play it at all, and a lot of other things have stopped being interesting, too.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32600759]I've considered it, but I don't even think of myself important enough to. I'll sit and wonder if I should talk to a professional and my conclusion is always "I don't deserve it."[/QUOTE]
We both live in Canada. I'm coming to drag you to a doctor.
[editline]3rd October 2011[/editline]
Wait a minute, one post says Canada the other says USA and the other also says Canada
[QUOTE=Exploits;32600806]I role-play pretty heavily on San Andreas Multi-Player, on LSRP (Figure at least [i]one[/i] person knows about it). It was a perfect opportunity to live another life, or a life I wanted to live. Recently though I haven't been able to push myself to play it at all, and a lot of other things have stopped being interesting, too.[/QUOTE]
Get into more fun things; Battlefield, Garry's Mod, Fallout basically the games that are popular, and another thing - may sound weird - programming. Ever since I started programming I've focused a lot less on my problems and it also helps with your logic. Trust me, video games are surely the answer :v:
This is why you respect the Vicodins, kiddies.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32600806]I role-play pretty heavily on San Andreas Multi-Player, on LSRP (Figure at least [i]one[/i] person knows about it). It was a perfect opportunity to live another life, or a life I wanted to live. Recently though I haven't been able to push myself to play it at all, and a lot of other things have stopped being interesting, too.[/QUOTE]
You should try finding a new girlfriend, one you can confide in. Or a good close friend who will listen to your woes and give you the support you need.
[editline]3rd October 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=Mr. Scorpio;32600825]This is why you respect the Vicodins, kiddies.[/QUOTE]
Not very helpful here.
[QUOTE=iWumbo;32600817]Wait a minute, one post says Canada the other says USA and the other says nothing.[/QUOTE]
Whoah what the shit. I am Canadian though. Well this is lols.
There's a bug where the OP is always american.
[QUOTE=BigOwl;32600827]Not very helpful here.[/QUOTE]
It's no joke. I've taken all the same shit he has, and I see how he became addicted.
Painkillers are fucking amazing, and if you're depressed they're an insanely easy way out.
[QUOTE=Mr. Scorpio;32600825]This is why you respect the Vicodins, kiddies.[/QUOTE]
Said sarcastically, but he's right. Seriously, never fuck with opiates.
[editline]2nd October 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=BigOwl;32600827]You should try finding a new girlfriend, one you can confide in. Or a good close friend who will listen to your woes and give you the support you need.[/QUOTE]
That's hard to do, I'm such a different person these days. My ex actually lives ten minutes away from me now, instead of the entire Atlantic Ocean, and I do want to get back together with her. We're weak at long distance, this is a fact (We've broken up twice now while physically separated), but in person, it's always been amazing. It's selfish, but I want her to change me again.
And, I mean, right in the opening paragraph, I did mention I am awful at bringing this up at all. I'm drunk right now, honestly.
Seriously, the only thing I can suggest is, 1, get someone to take all your drugs away, and 2, get a visit with a psychologist.
If you say you've thought about suicide, they'll probably give you some anti depressants and keep you for monitoring for a week or so.
Seriously, don't underestimate what some ADs can do. They don't give you that high that opiates do, they just sort of clear your head.
After that, get a fucking life goal man. Find something you like doing and put every fucking last piece of yourself into it. Forget sex and alcohol and all that college bullshit and fucking make something worthwhile. Hell, you like roleplaying? Try acting. Try writing. You like fucking? I don't know, become a fucking porn star or something.
Just give yourself some ideal to work towards. Shit's more complicated than that, yeah, but that's the first few steps.
I really shouldn't say this, but, I don't want to be taking AD's. It's silly, right? I'm popping illegal narcotics, but [i]fuck you[/i], Zoloft! They have a stigma that nothing else carries. I really need to work things out with my head.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32601005]I really shouldn't say this, but, I don't want to be taking AD's. It's silly, right? I'm popping illegal narcotics, but [i]fuck you[/i], Zoloft! They have a stigma that nothing else carries. I really need to work things out with my head.[/QUOTE]
I take AD's. It's fucking fine bro.
They really, really, really don't do that much. They don't change your personality or your feelings or any of that shit, they just clear the ambient noise in your head. They keep you from reacting fucking crazily to unimportant shit.
You know, like being deathly afraid of anti depressants.
Get the hell over it. I'm still my angry, cynical, dashingly witty self, I just don't lapse into bouts of uselessness.
[editline]3rd October 2011[/editline]
And you know what, if you take them and you really don't like em, you can get different kinds. All the colors of the undepressing rainbow, motherfucker.
Can I hug you, Scorpio?
A hug would do you a world of good.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32601121]Can I hug you, Scorpio?[/QUOTE]
Only if I get your secret pot of maple syrup.
Seeing a therapist would really help, you totally are worth it. Many of my friends go to them, and they feel so much better, and yeah, ADs, they do wonders.
So how do I go about starting to see a Therapist? In College it was just growing a pair and going to see them, but I'm not there anymore.
[QUOTE=jrj996;32600781]Play video games, shit, it's the best break from reality and keeps me from my depression.[/QUOTE]
Video games are a terrible idea. I was never addicted to anything but I had this sort of depression for a number of years. They only provide a temporary escape, like marijuana or alcohol. These produce small amounts of dopamine, which gets you hooked on them like drugs. At the moment I'd recommend exercise as frequently as you can. Along with producing dopamine (IE. Your escape chemical), it produces endorphins, epinephrine, and stabilizes other chemicals by working the glands that produce them. Also try to get your hormone levels checked out, a deficiency could be causing your depression. I know how you feel, man. It's tough, unbearably tough, but it's so worth it in the end. Life is great and wonderful, and it's a shame that some genetic code has to screw it all up.
[QUOTE=Exploits;32601360]So how do I go about starting to see a Therapist? In College it was just growing a pair and going to see them, but I'm not there anymore.[/QUOTE]
Not entirely sure how it works out there, but I would imagine the first step would be to just go to a local hospital and ask if they could refer you to a psychologist. If it's really desperate there are probably hotlines and websites for this sort of thing you can get with a relatively simple google search.
Remember, your psychologist could be a real psych, if you get what I mean. Usually the worst you'll get is someone who's kind of a dick, but just remember to be assertive if you want to do something like change medication or doctors.
Suicidal thoughts isn't a path I've personally traveled down, but like I said, they'll probably keep you for observation. Just think of it as a shitty hotel stay, and remember to call a nurse if you don't feel right. Don't be all "I don't want to bother them just because my penis looks like a paper crane and my skin is turning into Nutella". They get paid to listen to your bullshit, so do it if you feel something off.
Best case scenario is to get someone to come with you, since having a second voice can really help when working with hospital management.
From there, if you do get medication, remember to fucking take it. Get one of those little day of the week medication dispensers, it might sound like something for alzheimers patients but it really can be helpful.
And after that, just start doing things you like. Write a lot. Or take some acting lessons. Or practice keeping an erection, or whatever the hell porn stars do. Just do something you can practice and get better at; the guitar is a great choice if you like music.
And remember, just because you're taking ADs doesn't mean you aren't going to be sad anymore. They don't do that. So you can still have fun with your little internet hugbox and talk about how no one understands you.
[editline]3rd October 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=zombiefreak;32601380]Video games are a terrible idea. I was never addicted to anything but I had this sort of depression for a number of years. They only provide a temporary escape, like marijuana or alcohol. These produce small amounts of dopamine, which gets you hooked on them like drugs. At the moment I'd recommend exercise as frequently as you can. Along with producing dopamine (IE. Your escape chemical), it produces endorphins, epinephrine, and stabilizes other chemicals by working the glands that produce them. Also try to get your hormone levels checked out, a deficiency could be causing your depression. I know how you feel, man. It's tough, unbearably tough, but it's so worth it in the end. Life is great and wonderful, and it's a shame that some genetic code has to screw it all up.[/QUOTE]
And one more thing. Fuck that noise.
Every "medical patient" gets turned into a victim, and everybody is going to talk about how life is full of sunshine and rainbows, like that will somehow make you feel better. And I bet it doesn't, right?
That's because they're lying through their teeth. Life is a frustrating and stupid mixture of politicians, 24 hour news networks, Justin Bieber and the Welsh. It sucks. But don't think that means you have to be depressed, your depression doesn't come from that. It comes from fucked up chemical reactions. If you really are sad, you can make something out of that, like you can with any emotion.
So don't feel like you have to get all misty eyed to really enjoy things, because no one else is. Unless they're crazy. Just go with the flow and do the best you can and try hard to be less shit than everything around you, and everything will turn out alright in the end, yeah?
[QUOTE=Mr. Scorpio;32601564]
Every "medical patient" gets turned into a victim, and everybody is going to talk about how life is full of sunshine and rainbows, like that will somehow make you feel better. And I bet it doesn't, right?
That's because they're lying through their teeth. Life is a frustrating and stupid mixture of politicians, 24 hour news networks, Justin Bieber and the Welsh. It sucks. But don't think that means you have to be depressed, your depression doesn't come from that. It comes from fucked up chemical reactions. If you really are sad, you can make something out of that, like you can with any emotion.
So don't feel like you have to get all misty eyed to really enjoy things, because no one else is. Unless they're crazy. Just go with the flow and do the best you can and try hard to be less shit than everything around you, and everything will turn out alright in the end, yeah?[/QUOTE]
I think you're missing my point. I never stated that life was sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it's not like it's going to make someone feel better by saying "Life is shit and will be shitty".
I've been there I've gone through about 200+ pills of oxy and like another 200+ of vics. Honest to god your PHYSICAL addiction is terrifying and very painful. Some die from this and others get help. I got help from my doctor and was prescribed effexor for my depression but would have to detox off opiates myself. I did and I never thought I would be happy again but I was so happy to have my normalcy. I got into physical activities, this is what gave me that "high" feeling that hard dipping that oxy does to you. Sink or Swim now. There is people who can throw you a rope but you gotta pull yourself out.
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