I am writing this story as I go, so just bare with me.
Daniel, a twenty-five year old, Caucasian, unemployed Australian.
His girlfriend has left him, his parents both died not even a week ago, and his favourite pet, Mittens died today. He will also be kicked out if his apartment if he does not get a job. The following events will forever change his life, for better or worse, you decide.
[img]http://img600.imageshack.us/img600/2439/danielw.jpg[/img]
Just to give you an idea on what Daniel looks like.
Daniel lays in bed, trying not to burst into tears. [i]My life has crashed into ruins. Everything has fallen apart...[/i] he thinks to himself. He slouches out of bed, dresses into his favourite black, woollen jacket and some other warm clothing, and starts to walk into the dark, winter night. Just before he leaves the apartment, he checks his watch. [i] 11:31 PM[/i] he thinks to himself, repeating what his digital watch says.
It is almost midnight, Daniel walked so far, he is at the outskirts of the city, there is more bush than human constructions. He pauses, looks around in front of him, and then continues a little more. It is getting dark, even the lights from the city seem to fail to penetrate the bushland from here. He can hear cars driving in the far distance still, a narrow highway, perhaps. The wind picks up as he walks further and further into the bush. He had no idea where he was going, but he did not want to live his old life much at all. He did not want to die, either. He just wanted to get away from the world. He thinks about his parents, and burst into a raging fit, throwing his watch away in the process and punching a tree. Daniel leans on the tree he punched, then slides down, then starts to break. His cheeks have small droplets of sadness, he sniffs once, and mumbles [i]Why did they have to come visit me...?[/i]
After five minutes of being deprived of guilt, Daniel slowly gets back up, and turns to the direction he was walking in. He could have [i]sworn[/i] he saw something, or someone walking in the distance. Daniel walks at a steady pace, trying to catch up to whatever he saw. He eventually gives up and slows his pace. He looks around, then someone says his name in a deep but content voice. It was as if they were right in front of him. "Daniel." Daniel jumps, and looks around him again. "Who's there? Show yourself!" ... No reply. "I do not want to fight. Just show yourself." ... Still, no reply. Flashes of light blind Daniel, and for a second, his sight came back after every flash. Each time his sight came back, he saw strange things happening. The world changed with each flash, unbelievable sights of spirilling towers, lava red skies and impossible geometry. Finally, the flashes came to a halt after the fifth flash. Daniel falls over, blinded, then slowly climbs back up to his feet, looking around. He is still in the bushland he started off in. Daniel mumbles “What...what was that?” Looking around, raising an eyebrow in confusion and suspicion, he continues his trek to Nowhere. For Daniel, Nowhere sounds like paradise. Daniel started to wonder what time it was, and if anyone realised he is gone, he remembers he threw his watch away, so he looks for a clearing in the trees, and looks at the moon. “Hmm...” He points his right arm forward to him, and his other arm at the moon. He looks at he distance from each hand and the angle, then gives an estimate that it is 3:00 in the morning. “Yeah...something like that.” He says to himself quietly, then continues to walk.
The wind begins to pick up again. This time, more ferociously. He finds a clearing in the bushland. The clearing gives a circular look. He took no notice, he was just glad he could see the sky, or, at least, the clouds. Grumbling...Daniel thought it was his stomach, but it was too loud. It was thunder. “Damn it...!” He moans. The clouds directly above Daniel form a circular shape, similar to the trees. He does not notice, since he is busy looking around the forest. He hears more grumbling of thunder. The wind is picking up. “This wind is pretty bad. Must be coming from the mountains.” Just above the trees to the North, you can see the peaks of the Blue Mountains. Four strikes of lightning strike in the sky, all inside the abnormal, circular hole in the cloud overhead of Daniel’s position. This was not normal lightning that flashed white and went as quick as it came. It was flashing purple and white, and was stationary in the cloud. All four lines of electricity met in the centre of the cloud. The wind is picking up, the trees are blowing furiously around the circle, as if a tornado is forming. Daniel looks up, finally noticing the lightning display in the sky. By the time he looks up, the lightning strikes downwards from the centre of the hole in the sky. The screeching sound the current of electricity made was deafening, like a nail on a black board. The lightning was travelling rather slow. Daniel had lots of time to get out of its way, but the sound was so horrific, he was paralysed almost. He lay on the ground, holding his ears, yelling at the pain from the sound. He looks up, and the lightning is almost at ground level. He thinks [i]this is it...my time has come[/i] and closes his eyes, ignoring the sound. He feels a jolt of electricity flow through his body, then as if he is falling...
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UPDATED
Daniel awakes in a meadow of long, thin grass, laying down on his back. The clouds above him still maintain their circular formation, motionless. Small sparks emit around the circular hole, though, making fizzing sounds and slight rumbling. Looking around the ground, Daniel slowly gets onto his feet, looks around, only to see more forest in the distance. This was not the same forest as before, however. These were pine trees. Pine trees in Australia? his mind queries. Then, Daniel spotted someone. A person was watching him from the forest. Whoever it was, they wore a small, dark brown dress and had long, brown hair. The person stands there, half behind a tree. Daniel waves over to the person, and shouts “Hello!?” The person does not reply, and runs off. Daniel chases after the person, hoping to catch up to whoever it was. He assumed the person was female, roughly in her adolescent years.
After a few minutes of chasing through the woods and yelling “Wait! I just want to talk!” and seeing her partially through the thickness of the forest, she leads him to a village. He stops behind a small bush before actually entering the village. The young girl stops at a small shack made from wood. She starts talking to a big, bald, bulky figure wearing a large fur coat and Viking-like helmet. She points over to Daniel’s position and his heart jumps a beat the moment he looks over at him. He is approaching Daniel, eat footstep louder than the other, like boots hitting concrete. Then, the large figure stands in front of the bush Daniel is hiding behind. Stunned, Daniel slowly stands up, trying not to show fear. “Hello...? I am Daniel.” The large figure raises an eyebrow, looking down at him. He puts his hand forward, then smiles dimly. “Good day.” “Oh, what a relief, you speak English.”
“Yes. The last person who used the Vortex taught us his language.”
“Someone else went through what I went through?”
“Yes, but he passed away only a day ago. Come, I will show you the village.”
Daniel is amazed at how someone else came the same way as him. This raises so many more questions to him, and gave no answer to his previous questions.
“My name is Jake. I am the new Chief of this town. The old chief, who was the man who came through the Vortex, was my Father. The girl who found you, is my Daughter.”
“Jake? Strange name for someone who lives in quite a life as this, don’t you think?” Daniel asks Jake, curiously. “My father did come from the Vortex, he gave me it. “Oh, I see.” As Jake rambles on about his village, Daniel is busy looking at the faces they all gave him. They were all displeased, angry, or did not care. He knew he was not welcomed.
“This is where you will be staying for the night.” Jake finally came to a stop, holding his arm up to a small shack, far east of the village.
“Thank you.” Daniel quietly replies.
“If you need anything, You can come find me in the centre of town.” And Jake walks off, almost shaking the ground with his might.
Daniel enters his shack, it is dark and gloomy. He sits on his bed and presses down. “Comfy.” He mumbles to himself. “Thank you, I made it myself.” A young brunette girl walks in. It was the one Daniel chased earlier. “You are very good at it.” He replies, smiling dimly. She smiles back, blushing partially.
“Father told me to bring you some suitable clothing. What you are wearing is far too hot to be wearing this time of year.” She is holding some dark brown clothing with two leather boots on top of the stack of clothing. “Thank you, I will try it on right now.” The young girl walks out and just before she closes the door, Daniel ask “What is your name?”
“Rosanne” she replies softly, closing the door.
After Daniel is dressed, he looks into a mirror, and finds the suit fits him perfectly. The arms are slightly baggy, but it fits well. He steps outside, and looks at the sky, it is almost sunset. He looks around town to see what the life is like. People seemed to have stopped giving him looks, but instead, ignoring him completely. The place looked similar to something from some medieval movie Daniel had watched a few days ago. Rundown shacks, people coughing, yelling, bartering. He feels like he just went back into the dark ages. Moments later, he sees Jake walking in his general direction. “Daniel. Come with me, we have much to discuss.” So Daniel follows Jake to his large hut, centre of town.
Jake closes the door behind him after they enter the hut. “You notice everyone giving you a displeasing face when you first arrived, yes?” Daniel nods slowly. They are like that, because my father cursed our village. The small mountain North of town has some creature up there, it plagues us. From what we understand, my father unleashed it upon us for some...unknown...reason.” Jake explains with a serious tone. “What do you want me to do? Help out? Will that get everyone to like me?” Jake replies, raising his voice slightly after each question.
“Maybe so.”
“I will do it, then.”
“Great! You can head up now if you want.”
“I have some questions. Has anyone tried this before? What should I expect? What should I bring?”
Jake stays quiet, looking down, then looking back up at Daniel.
“Three have tried, one has not come back, the other two came back, but died soon after returning. The first person who tried said he came back to let us know why it plagues us and how to approach it. The second person did as the person said, came back, and said ‘only the chosen may come’. We do not know who is the chosen. You will need to approach it with this necklace.” Jake hands Daniel a necklace with tiny bones on it.
“Right. And what do I expect?”
“They never said.”
Daniel nods, and walks out of the hut. Everyone stopped working and looked at Daniel, noticing the boned necklace. There is whispering heard, and the sound of chickens balking in their tiny cages.
“I will take you to the gate, you must approach the creature on your own, though.” Jake whispered into Daniel’s ear with his left arm on Daniel’s right shoulder.
They walk to the northern gate, then trek up the mountain. The mountainside is so steep, they had to make a mineshaft to get to the top.
“Here it is. Good luck.” Jake says, hoping to give Daniel some confidence. He pats Daniel on the back, and starts walking back to the mineshaft. Daniel, however, stands at the entrance of the dark cave. It’s pillars stretch from the ground to the ceiling. They are huge, and covered in white paint. The candles on the wall on both sides of the hall flicker through the wind. The stairs themselves are quite large. Daniel must climb them in order to get inside the Hall. Once inside, all the lights go out. A small opening of light is ahead of him. The contrast is blinding, Daniel puts his hand up to cover the light. A sinister voice speaks. “Enter.” Daniel approaches the bright doorway, enters, and the contrast stays light, but is no longer blinding him. He puts his arm down, and looks around. “Who are you?” he yells. “I am, what I am.” The sinister voice replies. “You have been sent from the village that I have been summoned to be rid of, yes?” The sinister voice queried, its voice emphasised in S’s like a snake’s hiss. “Yes, I have.” Daniel replies back. “I do not know the Village well, but it is all I have for home right now.”
“Your time in this world is ever so short.”
“What do you mean?”
“It is only a matter of time until this world chews you up, then spits you back into your world.”
“My old world has nothing left for me. I do not want to go back. I will stay here as long as possible. You watch.”
“I can help you.”
“What do you want?”
“I want something only someone as evil as I would do. I want something that only someone as selfish as the devil himself would do.”
“State your proposition.”
“One hundred human souls.”
Daniel takes a step back, shocked.
“You want me to murder one hundred people, and you will keep me from being taken back to my world?”
“Yes, what you ask is something that requires much power. Dark power...”
Daniel looks down and thinks long and hard. He is not sure what to think of it...if he does not do it, he returns to his life, full of misery. If he does it, he can start fresh, but will be forever struck by the guilt of those he killed...
Did you make that image?
[editline]22nd December 2010[/editline]
Wait. He looks like that and yet he owns a digital watch? Wtf. Timewarp.
[editline]22nd December 2010[/editline]
Present tense narratives are weird and awkward.
No, I found it on the Amnesia forum, I was thinking wheather I should say 'Credit to rah rah rah' but I am pretty sure it is for public use, so I'll just clarify that I did not make it, and it is someone elses work. :buddy:
If you read, you would have noticed he put some winter clothing on. What you see in the picture is what he will be wearing in the future. For now, just focus on the structure and facial features of his body.
You need to vary your sentence structure and stop repeating the name of the character so much.
It is possible to begin a sentence with something other than "Daniel", "he", "it" or "the".
For example: "Daniel walks at a steady pace, trying to catch up to whatever he saw" could easily be "walking at a steady pace, Daniel tries to catch up to whatever he saw". Just vary your writing.
But, ultimately, this thing falls flat because it is written in the present tense. It is awkward as hell to read. It's like you've written a bad screenplay rather than a narrative.
What if the idea was to intentionally make a bad screenplay?
Then, it would be an epic screeplay because it is what I intended it to be. :smug:
[editline]23rd December 2010[/editline]
Thread music: [url]http://www.jamendo.com/en/album/54952[/url] (Meditative)
It is ment to be present tense. This story is occuring as you read it in the fanasty world, rather than having it already happen or it happening in the future.
I try not to over use "he" much since it gets confusing after you mention the character once, then just say "he" or "it" or "her" to refer to the character, specially when there are a lot of other he's/she's/it's in the story at the time.
There's a way to write in past tense that makes time seem to be moving along quite fast. Your writing style right now just feels like, well, Daniel brushes his teeth. Now Daniel lifts the toilet seat. Daniel unzips his pants.
You know what I mean. Have you ever noticed while reading a book set in a modern time that it still feels like it's just now happening? Your mind naturally goes that way. You can read something written in past tense and feel like it's still just happening. It's all in the writing itself that makes it fast-paced or slow-paced.
If you're writing a screenplay, specify that first. If it's a short story as you're having us believe, stick to that. You need to be clear on what we're critiquing.
I do not really see the difference between a screenplay and a short story.
I am trying to be descriptive on what I am writing so you can clearly imagine the story as you read.
[QUOTE=NotSo1337;26906135]I do not really see the difference between a screenplay and a short story.[/QUOTE]
This is where you fucked up, sorry.
[QUOTE=doggyalt;26906663]This is where you fucked up, sorry.[/QUOTE]
Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis.
A short story is written to be read.
A screenplay is written to be acted.
You can also be descriptive without being monotonous and in present tense.
[QUOTE=ChestyMcGee;26877409]
Present tense narratives are weird and awkward.[/QUOTE]
go jump off a bridge. if you do them right theyre great.
Sure. You can say that about anything though. The fact is that very, very few people [i]can[/i] do present tense narration right. Only the very skilled.
OP does not fit in that category.
i didnt say he did
Nice Amnesia: Dark Descent retelling.
[QUOTE=supreme7;26949329]Nice Amnesia: Dark Descent retelling.[/QUOTE]
:smug:
I thought it would be nice to use a character who was already been used in a horrifying situation, as to wheather this happens pior or after the game, I do not really know.
[editline]26th December 2010[/editline]
Is there anything good to the storyline? (Just ignore the context and focus on the storyline)
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