• 'Test of Power' (AKA that shitty story I posted a chapter of)
    8 replies, posted
So yeah, about a day ago, I posted the first chapter of a short story I was working on, back then named 'Destiny Unknown'. God knows why I picked such a shitty title, so I changed it to suit the contents of the story a bit better. Well, after a few hours of writing, re-writing and checking, it's finished. Unfortunately, it's too big to post here (besides, it would be a massive MASSIVE wall of text anyway) as the .doc file is about 13 pages, so here's a link to download the .doc file I wrote it in. [url]http://filesmelt.com/dl/Test_of_Power.doc[/url] Should you want to discuss the story for some strange reason, please use spoiler tags where applicable. Oh, and if you could, please refrain from bitching about chapter 5 too much.
Hello? It's lonely in here, I want some feedback.
Guys! Seriously, there's troll shit that's getting more feedback!
Quiet down.
[QUOTE=geogzm;24898612]Quiet down.[/QUOTE] It's a bit hard to do that when I'm getting ignored and other stuff is happily getting commented on.
When I said "go ahead and post he rest", I meant in the thread you already made.
[QUOTE=Mystery Penguin;24900547]When I said "go ahead and post he rest", I meant in the thread you already made.[/QUOTE] Yes, well, it went through quite some changes and a title change, so I thought a new thread would've suited better. But then again, I AM clinically insane.
Ok I read it ok so let's start with Matt. Matt is like a dog that when he gets the chance to bite does not. He is impulssive, aggressive, immature and passive throughout the whole story. That's probably your main mistake, characters must change in the end. All your characters are like that. They are not realistic at all. For example Matt never has doubts about anything in the whole story. And I say that's okay that's reasonable here. But he remains immature and his character is not realistic at all throughout the story. He's given a chance to be a god. He acccepts that passively, then he screws up. Again he accepts it. He never asks if there is an alternative solution. By what the angel said it seemed that there was. Never leave the reader in doubt for something without a reason. Also the answers the angel gives sometimes are matrix like. This is not important now/does not matter and stuff like that should be avoided. Make it more interesting make it more original. And again characters are not realistic. I know I give a lot of emphasis on that but it is so important. You should make the reader empathise with the protagonist within the first few pages. Also this angel thing has the form of his girl who he loved and believed she was the most beautiful being in the world. After realising that she is not her, she talks to the angel like crap again. Appearances are not that easy to get over. Also Matt can ask the angel anything he wants to but no he is the center of the universe he just cares about the accident. I mean that's not a mistake is fine by me but it will make a lot of readers to just give up on him. That is what I had to say for a proper character development. You really have to work on how you describe things. I mean this is a constant problem throughout the whole story again. Rather than ex "he was thirsty so he drank water" you could describe what it meant to him how thirsty he was, how the glass felt in his hand how good the cold water felt. You should describe the impact rather than the actions. Imagine yourself as your protagonist, what you would you notice first? What would have a big impression on you? If you mention these litle things that all humans feel you should be able to imply actions and the viewer would get some sort of instant subconsious reward for feeling it himself. If you know what I mean. Also some more specific mistakes in your story that do not let the reader understand what's going on. For example the transition between the first and second room wasnt't good at all. Also "The woman snapped her fingers as a single lamp lit a small portion of the room. Matt looked up and saw a table and 2 black leather chairs. One was empty. The other occupied by someone. He stood up and took a closer look at the woman. " instad of generic phrases use other ones do not be afraid to imply something and then make the reader believe it's real. When I read that I instantly thought that the chairs and table was glued on the ceiling. Looked up? was he down in the first place? (don't really remember here) Also you must really give the adjecives you use a thought why leather chairs?It is giving away a total different emotion from that that you want to achieve. Also "the one chair was occupied then he looked at the woman." Again i though that there was an old man smoking a pipe in the occupied chair and a woman infront of him staring at matthew that he had fell down. Again put yourself in the protagonist place and try to think what you'd see first blah blah. Describe events and the passing of time better!! I mean he's busting the guy's balls open and then we go to "After toying with him for a few minutes"? Plan things before you get to write them down. Also what about that chair god thing? What is going on? Is he on the chair on the other room Is he telepathetically transported in sone sort of a invisible body? If yes then how he looked back at the woman? Also when he goes into the pedo house again describe, describe, describe! Imagine yourself there. With the same amount of words you can have an incredible outcome. other recommendations: Some sentences don't fit/make sense at all! ", for someone who always acted so tough, the guy had some serious lungs and vocal chords." "was he bleeding? He was. Blood was trickling down Jenkins’s leg as Matt’s anger seemed to turn into pleasure as he kept twisting" -Nice one. woah anyway i really don't have time to mention any other stuff but always remember you have to make your reader empathise with your protagonist in the first few pages!!
Alright, let's respond to some criticism. [QUOTE=Stathis;24901026] For example Matt never has doubts about anything in the whole story. And I say that's okay that's reasonable here. But he remains immature and his character is not realistic at all throughout the story. He's given a chance to be a god. He acccepts that passively, then he screws up. Again he accepts it. He never asks if there is an alternative solution.[/quote] I assume you're referring to his actions when given the powers, correct? What I intended for Matt was simply being too astounded at the possibility of being a god to ask any questions regarding it (which is entirely possible, no?). I pictured Matt in my head as a tad egocentric and, like you said, impulsive. With that in mind, asking loads of questions about other solutions and whatnot felt like straying from his usual character. [quote]Also the answers the angel gives sometimes are matrix like. This is not important now/does not matter and stuff like that should be avoided.[/quote] I would call this intended vagueness but that would just make me seem like a twat. Some of it was intended though, again to create uncertainty about the extents of Matt's actions. Giving the reader all the possible consequences of how Matt took the test felt...I dunno, can't think of a word for it. [quote]And again characters are not realistic. I know I give a lot of emphasis on that but it is so important. You should make the reader empathise with the protagonist within the first few pages.[/quote] I'm well aware that character development and setting are important. There's no need to apologize for emphasizing it. What I would like you to bear in mind is that this is my first story of any sorts. If you feel the need to criticize my characters, don't just tell me they are bad/mediocre/unrealistic, tell me WHY they are like that and how I can improve it. Not that I'm saying you need to write an essay on that (Fuck no), a few pointers will do. [quote]Also this angel thing has the form of his girl who he loved and believed she was the most beautiful being in the world. After realising that she is not her, she talks to the angel like crap again. Appearances are not that easy to get over.[/quote] Something that I had in my head whilst writing that (which, looking back, may have been better to add in) was that Matt quickly dealt with the fact that this wasn't his girlfriend, figuring that it wouldn't make much sense to dwell on it. After all, he knew he was dead so hopelessly clinging to denial about this not being his girlfriend would've seemed stupid. [quote]Also Matt can ask the angel anything he wants to but no he is the center of the universe he just cares about the accident. I mean that's not a mistake is fine by me but it will make a lot of readers to just give up on him.[/quote] Like I said, Matt was supposed to be egocentric, so it would make sense to ask about the accident and the accident only. [quote]You really have to work on how you describe things. I mean this is a constant problem throughout the whole story again. Rather than ex "he was thirsty so he drank water" you could describe what it meant to him how thirsty he was, how the glass felt in his hand how good the cold water felt. You should describe the impact rather than the actions. Imagine yourself as your protagonist, what you would you notice first? What would have a big impression on you? If you mention these litle things that all humans feel you should be able to imply actions and the viewer would get some sort of instant subconsious reward for feeling it himself. If you know what I mean.[/quote] I never have been very good or consistent at a lot of things and I can only say that story-writing can be added to said list. Don't know why, but it's things that just pass my mind for some utterly unknown reason. Thanks for the advice though, will try to keep it in mind for the next time. [quote]Also some more specific mistakes in your story that do not let the reader understand what's going on. For example the transition between the first and second room wasnt't good at all.[/quote] The obvious thing to do would be asking how it wasn't good and how I could improve it. [quote]Also "The woman snapped her fingers as a single lamp lit a small portion of the room. Matt looked up and saw a table and 2 black leather chairs. One was empty. The other occupied by someone. He stood up and took a closer look at the woman. " instad of generic phrases use other ones do not be afraid to imply something and then make the reader believe it's real. When I read that I instantly thought that the chairs and table was glued on the ceiling. Looked up? was he down in the first place? (don't really remember here)[/quote] If there's one thing I'm realizing by this point is that my attempts at letting the reader create their own mental image of things have been disappointing at best and a miserable failure at worst. Oh, and he was lying on the floor. He fell on it after being given back his memories. [quote]Also you must really give the adjecives you use a thought why leather chairs?It is giving away a total different emotion from that that you want to achieve. [/quote] Okay, this is confusing me a bit. Elaborate? [quote]Also "the one chair was occupied then he looked at the woman." Again i though that there was an old man smoking a pipe in the occupied chair and a woman infront of him staring at matthew that he had fell down. Again put yourself in the protagonist place and try to think what you'd see first blah blah.[/quote] Okay, this is just clumsiness on my part, apologies. [quote]Describe events and the passing of time better!! I mean he's busting the guy's balls open and then we go to "After toying with him for a few minutes"? Plan things before you get to write them down.[/quote] There's a specific reason I did that and that was because(ironic, considering me as a person) I felt that if I had drawn it out any further I would've thought people saw it simply as a means to shock, artificially extend the story or just coming over as strange altogether. [quote]Also what about that chair god thing? What is going on? Is he on the chair on the other room Is he telepathetically transported in sone sort of a invisible body? If yes then how he looked back at the woman?[/quote] Consider his form on earth a sort of spiritual form. Granted, I should've been a bit clearer on that but I thought it was at clear to some extent. [quote]Also when he goes into the pedo house again describe, describe, describe! Imagine yourself there. With the same amount of words you can have an incredible outcome.[/quote] Please refer to my earlier comment concerning making the reader create their own mental image. [quote]Some sentences don't fit/make sense at all! ", for someone who always acted so tough, the guy had some serious lungs and vocal chords."[/quote] I'm guessing it's one of those things that made more sense in my head. What I meant was that the guy acted so tough but his screaming, both length and volume, didn't fit with the stereotype. Whatever you're gonna say about that, don't bother. It's something I sort of accept/realize when it's mentioned. The overall impression I'm getting here is that many elements stay on the surface with regards to descriptions, which I can only punch myself in the head for because I was in fact trying to avoid drawing things out too much (yes, I'm a stupid cunt, that's nothing new to me). Which isn't to say I'm disliking the rather heavy criticism/praise ratio, oh no. Part of me actually appreciates that. I, like many, don't like being told that my creations are solid gold when they aren't. I'd rather have somebody running my shit into the ground than praise it like it's the literary form of some ultimate Fleshlight. At least the former gives me something concrete to improve on.
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