• Short (Long) awesome story
    3 replies, posted
This is a story Freehat and I wrote for extra credit in our English class. If you read it all tell me what you think of it. [b]Fran and Shane’s Awesome Story for Cool People[/b] Excerpt from the Bible of Awesome Written By: Shane Anson and Francisco Jones Ideas From: The Page of Awe-Inspiring Things A long time ago in a distant land, there lived and ancient samurai rock band wielding magic sword instruments which held unimaginable power. The samurais began fighting amongst each other, for they were drunk… power drunk that is. Jack was the strongest of them, he wielded the mighty axe, which ironically was shaped like a sword, and is a guitar. He destroyed his band mates and sent them into purgatory with his axe’s mighty power. This magical, mystic, powerful, awesome weapon of mass destruction was never to be seen again, until two and a half kingdoms found a map that lead to its location. Once upon a time there were mystic elves and wizards and princesses being kidnapped… Wait, no, that’s stupid, cliché and overused. Let’s start over. In an ancient land scorched by war, two and a half kingdoms fought for dominance of the sacred item of super legendary stuff and things. These two and a half kingdoms have been at each others throats for generations. The Empire in the land of Acillatem was lead by the almighty King Kraven. While in the other Empire in the land of Htedagem was lead by Sean Connery. That one word alone strikes terror into the very souls of mortal man. But not for immortal men, it just sounds silly to those guys. Each of these empires had their strongest warriors fighting each other. But only two showed their unmatchable hate for the other kingdom. From the Acillatem kingdom hailed Ragnar Blackmane. He was a tall beefy sonavabitch who I definitely wouldn’t want to come to my kid’s birthday party. From the Htedagem kingdom came forth Slade Shocker. He’s scary. I don’t like him very much. Anyways, moving on with the story. Slade Shocker went on forth to slay the evil robots that tried killing him once, didn’t really go over well with him. He came upon the first robot Nazi zombie and reached for his 35.512 caliber colt m16 assault grenade launcher and blew that robot Nazi zombie to hell right now Itellyouwhat. Suddenly a robot arm came from behind, and Slade reached for his gun which he just couldn’t find, because Batman stole it, and he shot and he missed. Then the robot Nazi zombie arm decapitated Batman. It was pretty AWESOME! You should have been there. After all that drama past Slade went on fighting until he destroyed the final robot Nazi zombie. As Slade continued this long and unnecessary journey he came upon a wise old sage guy dude. Slade pleaded to this old geezer to teach him the ancient technique known only as mind bullets. At first the sage disagreed but then Slade bit his frickin’ ear off Mike Tyson style! After many long and anticipated minutes, Slade learn the awesome technique of mind bullets. His first attempt at using this new mastered move was to shoot mind bullets at the old sage guy dude. I’m not at liberty to say what happened but let’s just say the sage isn’t with us anymore. Little known to basically everyone, Slade Shocker is actually friends with Gordon Freeman Quantum physicist and all around cool guy. Our un-liked hero was nearing the final destination of his voyage. He had to make his way through the jungle of unimaginable horror and scariness, BOO! In this jungle lived the carnivorous plants that were actually vegetarians. They wore tie-dyed shirts and flip flop sandals and did drugs. While traveling through this deadly forest he found a map that lead him to a secret location where not buried treasured lied in wait. When Slade Shocker got to this destination a group of evil bad pirates was there waiting for him. “We are here waiting for you” said one of the skirmishes. “I can see that” said Slade being all cool and junk. “Arrgh Ye can’t have it. This treasure belongs to our Cappin’, James Tiberious Sparrow.” “I. Am. Captain. James. Tiberious. Sparrow. This. Treasure. Belongs. To. Me. Matey.” Slade didn’t take to kindly to be bossed around so he did what any crazed psycho maniac murderous guy would do. He asked politely. “Please can I have the Treasure?” The Captain was amazed by the politeness of his words and handed Slade the treasure. In the Acellitem Kingdom Ragnar was getting all suited up for his long journey to find the map to the legendary super item. Legend has it that it is held by Red October. All armored up and morning star in hand, Ragnar started down the castle stairs… all 25,000 of them. On his way down King Kraven spotted him. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RAGNAR!!?” The king shouted. “I’M GOING TO GO FIND SEAN CONNERY AND TAKE THE MAP FROM HIM TO FIND THE AWESOME SUPER ITEM” Ragnar shouted back. “WELL THAT’S JUST GREAT. ANOTHER STUPID KID WITH ADVENTURE IN HIS HEART!!” King Kraven yelled at him “I REALLY LOVE SHOUTING!!” Ragnar declared “ME TOO!!” The King agreed. The pair continued shouting at each other for a good 5 hours after that. Ragnar was just about to leave his castle to search for the super legendary item, when suddenly. Ninjas burst through the castle gates. Well, not really bursting, more like, they teleported through it. Yeah, teleportation, ‘cause that’s what ninjas do. Anyways, moving on! Ninjas were teleporting inside of the castle walls, doing ninja flips and other assortment of cool ninja moves, acting all ninja like. These ninjas looked pretty darn swell doing their stuff. Anyways, little did the ninjas know, they entered a castle… full of Chuck Norris’ clones. It was the most brutallest, hardcore, extreme, and crazy 5 seconds of all time. Blood was everywhere, and the Chuck Norris clones stood tall. Not even a fabric of the ninja’s outfit was to be seen. But out of sheer randomness, the Chuck Norris were actually the ninja’s themselves. You see what I just did? That, M. Night Shamalahmadingdong, is a goddamn plot twist. Yep. Our hero, Ragnar Blackmane, rode down the rest of the stairs on his signature Rainbow Calvary. As he touched ground, the soil beneath the badass’ feet crumbled instantly. Luckily he can levitate so it’s all good. He nodded his head to the Chuck Norris clones, and they nodded back. Y’know, that one ‘man’ nod you do when you pass a guy you know, but instead of being all gay and stuff, like saying “hi!” you just nod and walk past each other. Just like that… Ragnar opened the inner castle doors by simply looking at them. Yeah, that’s how badass he is, he LOOKS at stuff, and it opens. Anyways, there stood two hardcore rage guys, staring hardcore intense at each other. Ragnar was heartbroken he had to slay his father, Sean Connery. “I don’t want to slay you, Sean Connery, my father.” Sean Connery raised an eyebrow, and told him, “Nhou.. Ragnar… I am not your father.” Ragnar dropped to his knees, “KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!” he screamed out to the heavens themselves. They were like, “Dude, Khan isn’t up here.” And Ragnar was like, “Oh, ok. Bye.” “Bye.” “Kay, see ya’.” “Alright, have a nice day.” “You too.” “Thanks.” “No problem.” “My pleasure,” “Ok, shut up now.” “Ok.” “Thanks.” “Bye,” “Goddamnit.” “Sorry.” “It’s ok.” “Alright, cool.” “Talk to you later,” “For sure…” “…” “…” “…” “This is awkward.” “Yeah.” “How do we hang up?” “I don’t even know who’s talking right now.” “Well, let’s recap. You said, ‘Khaaaaaan’. So, that must mean I’m heaven.” “You’re heaven?” “Yeah.” “Real frikin’ neato.” “Oh, hey. What’s that about dude?” “I’m sorry.” “It’s ok.” Sean Connery cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow, watching Ragnar talking to himself. “But seriously, Ragnar, I am not your daddy.” Ragnar walked over to Sean and was very mad, and junk. “You are totally my daddy!” Ragnar cried out, flailing his arms around. Suddenly Maury Povitch came in between the men, “And the results are in!” he told the two. “And when it comes to 4666 year old baby Ragnar…” the moment was intense, and Sean was contorting his muscles because he wanted too, “Sean Connery… YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!” Sean Connery jumped up to the defeated Ragnar and screamed in his face about how he was right. Ragnar Blackmane was silent. Then out of the blue Slade Shocker rode into the kingdom of Acellitem on his solid uranium steed. He was there for blood, and to destroy King Kraven’s empire. His eye landed on Ragnar Blackmane. He charged at him with the ferocious speeds of a four-year-old on a tricycle! He plowed through Maury, spreading him everywhere, and drew his spinning pinwheel of death. Ragnar seen this oncoming threat and disposed of Sean Connery with ease. Slade, enraged by his king’s death, began his attack, although he was stopped dead in his tracks by a blinding white light. When the light died down it revealed that King Kraven was holding the tattered remains of Sean Connery. “You fools, you had no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this” As he said this Sean Connery’s body started taking the shape of a sword….with strings. “Sean Connery didn’t hold the map to the almighty axe, he was the almighty axe!!” mused the King. “Now I will destroy you and continue my reign over this world.” While King Kraven was babbling his plan out, Ragnar took the axe away from him and began to play the rift that could kill 1000 men. When he strummed his first strum the axe released its full power, shooting out a two ton grizzly bear with a chainsaw and a unicycle that was aflame with blue fire. This and the extreme solo played by Ragnar melted the faces of his enemies. When Ragnar awoke from his malefic trance he found himself in a crater next to a bear, chainsaw in hand. “Sup?” Ragnar said “Not much” Replied the bear. “That was pretty wicked man” “Thanks” Ragnar said coolly “Now what do we do?” asked the bear. Ragnar answered. “We live…. We live.” And so our unlikely hero went across the land inspiring people with his music, and a mere 3000 years later The Beatles formed… Coincidence? I think not.
this is terrible
I hate it when people use capitalized words when someone is speaking in the story.
This is why you're not supposed to skip the third grade.
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