• Aufstieg Der Nazi-Partei (WIP)
    25 replies, posted
Alright so i'm making a story and I want to know if it's any good so far. Prologue September 7th 1940 1330 Hours. Me and my squadron were given orders to go see general Ryan for a mission brief Ryan calmly said to us "Captain, you and your squad must infiltrate a nazi base in the mountain side Once you're in, try to find who is in command. When you find him, try to capture him and hold him hostage until we have word that you have him secured. From there we will send backup to clear the base and give you and the hostage a ride back to base." And as calm as I was, I was trying my best to hide my excitement and stay focused. As I knew this was serious if the general gave us these orders in person. End of prologue. Go to chapter 1 to continue. I don't know much about writing up story's but this is the best I could do so far. Also Aufstieg Der Nazi-Partei is German for Rise Of The Nazi-Party Now before you think it's just a story on how I think the nazi-party started, it isn't It actually is about zombies. Yes it sounds like CoD: WaW I know.
What. I don't even know where to begin criticising this... There is no description or characterisation... or characters or locations or anything of that sort. The "prologue" is five lines long in paragraphing and layout that makes no sense at all. As for the story itself, there is no story to speak of. Go to the mountain side and try to do this and try to do that and then come home. The briefing is so ridiculously brief it astounds me you put any more than 5 seconds of thought into this at all. I guess the only way I can summarise this is to ask if you are older than 12.
[QUOTE=ChestyMcGee;26445629]What. I don't even know where to begin criticising this... There is no description or characterisation... or characters or locations or anything of that sort. The "prologue" is five lines long in paragraphing and layout that makes no sense at all. As for the story itself, there is no story to speak of. Go to the mountain side and try to do this and try to do that and then come home. The briefing is so ridiculously brief it astounds me you put any more than 5 seconds of thought into this at all. I guess the only way I can summarise this is to ask if you are older than 12.[/QUOTE] Way to be a douche about it. I've never written a story and the prologue isn't suppose to be long. :frog: Gregah don't bug me about what I said.
He's absolutely correct though, there's no description whatsoever or any characterization and it's not selling it at all. You want it to be interesting, you need to describe what's going on, why it's going on and who is doing what. Really, make it atleast twice as long and be generous when describing what's going on. Oh and do your research, there is no way in hell anyone in the military would talk like that.
I have to go with Chesty on this one, there's not much to criticize about a prologue that's roughly one paragraph long. All I can say is write a bit more than come back, right now it's pretty vague.
I lost interest cause you guys (FP) Like to do that. You could start slow and help me work on it instead of saying every single thing you think about it. I've never written a story in my life. Oh boy here comes wolfeclaw V:v:V And gregah.
Everyone has written a story, whether it's at school or just out of boredom. If you want to improve, read other books, books that you're interested in and others that you aren't. Learn how to develop the personality of the characters more and set the scene to allow the person reading to create a mental image of what is actually happening, this is one of the most important skills of story writing. Be more descriptive, add interesting, unique characters and all in all, stay confident. That's all the advice I can give you.
I told you exactly what to do, it's your first story and it's shit, this is completely natural. You're in for a really rough ride if you expect your first hundred stories to be good, especially if you don't grasp the basics of storytelling. [editline]2nd December 2010[/editline] [QUOTE=PvtVain;26445702] Gregah don't bug me about what I said.[/QUOTE] ...What?
I don't see why you rated me, Gregah and everyone else dumb, Vain. We're giving you helpful advice and all you're doing is throwing it out the window as if you don't want to improve. Also, please stop rating yourself heart, it makes you look like an idiot to be honest.
That is kinda sad.
Vain, why do you keep rating yourself? we can see that you're doing it.
Let me summarize this thread so that you may leave, then return with actual content. We think you haven't written a high enough quality story for us to properly criticize without stating the obvious, so don't take our comments offensively, but instead learn from them and do better next time, perhaps re-write it and show us that you can put some effort into improvement. I can't say anything else that hasn't been stated before, such as character development, or a nice description of where they are and why.
Also Vain, work on taking CC already. you didn't take it when you played PW and you still don't.
Ryan isn't generally a german name :colbert: [editline]2nd December 2010[/editline] Oh lord my reading!
[QUOTE=trifon;26446411]Ryan isn't generally a german name :colbert:[/QUOTE] What makes you think he's German? Though to be honest he could be with the lack of information that story gives. :v:
He aint, I just read and hes infiltrating a german base But that could make him FRENCH!, And we all know about france
[QUOTE=PvtVain;26445768]I lost interest cause you guys (FP) Like to do that. You could start slow and help me work on it instead of saying every single thing you think about it.[/QUOTE] That's exactly what they are doing Vain, there is so much more that could be said but they are trying to help you and you're just spitting on them and rating them dumb. It's not a good way to make friends or encourage constructive replies. Some more advice I would give is to try writing more than five sentences before submitting it, and not to press enter after every line.
I cannot criticize anything because there's nothing to criticize. The End.
[QUOTE=PvtVain;26445768]I lost interest cause you guys (FP) [/QUOTE] That is actually very good. If you can't take CC, you shouldn't do anything artistic. Because the more you do it, the more you get.
We from the PW sub-subforum have deduced that he is absolutely shit at at taking CC, ragequits when what he does is not perfect, likes to yell at people and then accuse them of starting a flame war, and he is at least 13 or younger. I see you haven't changed a bit, Vain.
run on sentence lol
[QUOTE=PvtVain;26445414]Alright so i'm making a story and I want to know if it's any good so far. Prologue September 7th 1940 1330 Hours. Me and my squadron were given orders to go see general Ryan for a mission brief Ryan calmly said to us "Captain, you and your squad must infiltrate a nazi base in the mountain side Once you're in, try to find who is in command. When you find him, try to capture him and hold him hostage until we have word that you have him secured. From there we will send backup to clear the base and give you and the hostage a ride back to base." And as calm as I was, I was trying my best to hide my excitement and stay focused. As I knew this was serious if the general gave us these orders in person. End of prologue. Go to chapter 1 to continue.[/quote] I'm feeling generous. I'm going to write out what I would put instead, not because you deserve it, but because I'd like to give you an example of effort. [release] Prologue 7 September 1942 - 0700 hours I opened my eyes as we were awakened by the bugle's call. I immediately began my morning routine, ingrained into my brain from my short stay in training. Tie your boots [I]just so[/I], make your bed [I]just so[/I], fold your nightwear [I]just so[/I]. I could almost hear my drill sergeant now. [I]G.I. General. Issue. You are all General Issue. You are exactly like everyone else. You will be treated as such on the battlefield, so you must act as such.[/I] I snapped out of my reverie, looking around the room. The barracks, composed of simple canvas and metal, were suddenly full of life. There were dozens of GIs, the components of my makeshift family. Most of them were mine, my squad, my men, my pseudo-children. And all were up, getting ready for a new, bloody, desolate day. [i]You must look like everyone else.[/i] My squad had dressed already and were waiting for orders. Every one looked perfect, every fold of clothing the same, every shoelace the same, everything the same. I marched over to my men. "At ease. Today, you relax," I announced. "We are not going to the fronts with the rest of the men here. Enjoy your day." They politely walked to the entrance to the barracks, calm and reserved, barely containing their excitement, and waited until that had exited before cheering for their luck. Their whoops and hollers could be heard throughout the massive tent, and the other soldiers began to grumble. [I]If only they knew...[/I] A mousy, short man strode up to me with purpose. He saluted, and I saluted back. "Sir," he said, deepening his normally high-pitched voice in the presence of an officer, "the general just arrived. He wishes to see you immediately." "Then I will see him. Lead me, corporal." I replied, stealing a look at his rank on his shoulder. He led me outside of the barracks and into another tent, newly constructed. I easily maintained pace, as his short legs only covered a yard per stride at a brisk pace. I stepped into the tent as the corporal stepped to the side, saluting. Upon seeing the general, standing with his back to us, I immediately snapped to attention. "Sir," the corporal's voice cracked, "Captain Jackson here to see you, upon request." "Corporal Jenkins, you are dismissed," the general's voice said coolly, "I need to speak with the captain privately." The general turned around and Jenkins scurried out of the shelter. I continued to stand at attention. He turned around and sat in a chair next to a desk covered in papers. Without looking up, he said "At ease. Come, sit." My arms snapped to my sides and I marched over. The seat he had indicated was an old, wooden stool, but I took the seat gladly. Sitting was a rare occurrence in war. "Whiskey?" he offered. I refused, and asked about the purpose of the meeting. "Captain, obviously you know that this must be important if we pulled you from the ranks going to the front. And that fact that I gave the order is another indicator. What we're ordering you and your squad to do will, in fact, be more dangerous than if you were on the front lines." He paused for a moment, and I listened intently. "Five days ago, we received some intelligence. There is a hidden base currently occupied by Nazis in this region of the Graian Alps." He indicated an area of the map. "You are going to lead your men into it. Are you sure about that whiskey?" I stared blankly as it sunk in. "Sir, permission to speak freely?" "Granted." "How the hell are we going to do that?" "We'll discuss the details later. What's most important is that, after you get in, you locate the commander at that post and hold him until we can receive transmission that you have him. We'll send in an extraction team to escort you, your men, and the prisoner." My mind was reeling. [I]So this is what keeps us from the front lines... we move from hiding from bullets to walking straight into them.[/I] "So when shall we discuss the details?" "I'll send Jenkins to get you when I am ready. Prepare your squad, their going on a long trip. Dismissed." I saluted and left the tent. I began to walk to the men, who were wrestling in the grass. [I]This is going to be hell.[/I] [/release]
work in some more wacky military lingo like "six" or "stay frosty" or "somebody wake up hicks" [editline]3rd December 2010[/editline] and liken your situation to that of an alabama tick in whatever way possible
*cough*[I]Where eagles dare[/I]*cough*
you can ride my tail anytime maverick
[QUOTE=Rusty100;26462221]you can ride my tail anytime maverick[/QUOTE] Through this in, I don't care where and It will go up a star.
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