So yeah, I really wanted to start writing a serious book (even tho I suspect it will be fairly short) and I wrote this part as a test of my writing skills. Any criticism from other writers would be very helpful.
[quote]As I went into the underground barracks where the gladiators resided a stench of blood and various chemicals meet me at the entrance. This smell was nothing new to me since I had resided in a treating camp for wounded during my time in the war with the sultanate, which still rages to this day. But I was not here to reflect my time in the war, but to search for the man that might have some answers regarding my mission. I asked the guard where I could find Isidor Schterling, and his eyes changed to a mixture of fear and respect that you don't come across very often.
- In the far back, he answered and returned to his duties. As I walked through the corridors I saw the gladiators mending their weapons, getting ready to defend both their honor and their lives. I myself have never understood the popularity of these games, but that's what the people of the empire want, excitement and bloodshed. As I approached the end I saw a man sitting at the end of the corridor. He was a strange sight, the body and probably the strength of a bear but also the awareness and prowess of a wolf.
- Isidor Schterling, I asked with a firm voice. He gave me a glance and continued to sharpen his small glove blades.
- One can wonder what a man of the shield wants with a murderer like myself, he said while starting analyze me from top to toe. He was a man that knew his position, that was for sure, so I informed him I had searched him out to help me track the other kinglsayers and cast some light on the presumed plot to assassinate the emperor.
- As you seam to know about the kingslayers, I have no reason to hide that I am one of the five. And I can also assure you that I have no intentions of killing your pesky little ruler. Finding the others can be a challenging task and I assume that's why you are here.
He was right. Tracking the kingslayers would be hard, since they seamed to be impossible to find unless caught in the act. He also faced me with a new dilemma, the number of the kingslayers. When the kings of the northern kingdoms were assassinated, It was thought to be the work of two partners, but with Isidors information about there being five of them my search would take even longer. I asked him if he could tell me more about them.
- As I said there are five of us, Edward Dierk, Toby Clemet, Heathen Kaul, Rahad al Sadji and me. Unfortunately, I only know the whereabouts of two of them, that being Kaul and Clemet.
He was just about to tell me exactly where they were when his eyes flickered and a smug grin appeared on his face.
- As I seam to be sitting on some quite valuable information, means I am valuable to you. Winning this last match will secure my freedom from the Kaldenis scum, as part of our agreement. But my opponent is a tricky fellow. An elf named Toruk Sillith, and skillful archer and a worthy swordsman. Make sure I can beat him and I'll help you on your mission.
This bastard had me in a no option position. If I let him die, all the information and knowledge about the kingslayers would be lost and my mission prolonged a sevenfold. I had to help him win, the question was only how.[/quote]
[quote]As I went into the underground barracks where the gladiators resided a stench of blood and various chemicals meet me at the entrance.[/quote]
You're switching tenses. Try and pay closer attention to what you're writing.
[quote]He was a strange sight, the body and probably the strength of a bear but also the awareness and prowess of a wolf.[/quote]
Prowess at what? What is it about him that makes you think these things? When introducing characters for the first time, it's better to help the reader come to the appropriate conclusions themselves. Don't just tell them what they should think. For example, talk about his manner; how he conducts himself. If he's watching the narrator like a hawk and playing nimbly with his blades, then the reader will know that he's a keen and dangerous character. It's much more graceful than just telling them that he's dangerous.
[quote]- Isidor Schterling, I asked with a firm voice.[/quote]
"Use speech marks to indicate speech," I said to the original poster. "They're super useful."
[quote] As you seam [/quote]
Seem.
[quote]since they seamed[/quote]
Seemed.
[quote] As I seam[/quote]
Seem.
[QUOTE=Nigey Nige;35219849]You're switching tenses. Try and pay closer attention to what you're writing.
Prowess at what? What is it about him that makes you think these things? When introducing characters for the first time, it's better to help the reader come to the appropriate conclusions themselves. Don't just tell them what they should think. For example, talk about his manner; how he conducts himself. If he's watching the narrator like a hawk and playing nimbly with his blades, then the reader will know that he's a keen and dangerous character. It's much more graceful than just telling them that he's dangerous.
"Use speech marks to indicate speech," I said to the original poster. "They're super useful."
Seem.
Seemed.
Seem.[/QUOTE]
Much appreciated. Also, I friend pointed out the seam thing. English isn't my first language so I tend to make mistakes.
The speechmarks thing was useful to know.
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