• Zombie Story (Rough Draft)
    15 replies, posted
Hey Facepunch, I'm trying to write a story/book and I'm just laying down a skeleton for it. I'll post it here, any constructive criticism would be fantastic. Monday, June 07, 2010 I got home today from work as usual and threw my wallet on the counter. I knew Liv and Jake weren't home yet, they never locked the front door, and I plopped myself on the couch and turned on the TV. I was exhausted, I'm a mechanic down at the local Automobile shop. I live in New York, in a decent sized apartment with my two close friends. I've known them since childhood and they're really good people. After flipping through the channels, I stopped on the news. Channel 5 was documenting some sort of catastrophe, must have been recent. I normally don't watch the news, or even listen to it on the Radio but this looked interesting. The news caster looked somewhat disturbed as she was talking. It was some kind of parasite which infects animals. The cause of the parasite is unknown so far, but the infection is far away so I'm not really worried about it. Isolated somewhere in Mexico, I heard her say. I flipped through the channels again, and set the chair back. It's one of the reclining comfy chairs and I slowly fell asleep. I woke up and rubbed my eyes, glancing at the electric clock next to the TV. It read 9:00 PM, when I noticed something odd. The television was on a "National Alert" broadcast station, there was apparently a state of emergency here in New York. I quickly jumped out of the recliner and looked through the window to the street below. It was deserted, there wasn't anyone running about, and only a few cars driving. It looked normal, atleast. I thought to call Jake, he was my best friend and I slipped the cellphone out of my pocket. Figures, it was dead. Sighing, I threw it on the recliner and headed to the kitchen area. I grabbed the house-phone, and dialed Jake's number. It rung for a few seconds before reaching his voice-mail. At this point I was kind of concerned. I left Jake a message to just call back home when he got it. I then hung up and called Liv. While I dialed her number and she picked up. "Liv? Hey, it's Ethan." "Thank god, Ethan. What's going on?" "What do you mean? I don't even know. There's a state of emer-" There was a loud scream coming from Liv's side of the phone, it was clearly a woman. There were a few more screams, including Liv. "Ethan! I don't know what's happening! There's a fight going on." "Where are you Liv?" I looked at the door of the apartment, I was planning on going to get her. "I'm at work, but everyone's huddled in the lobby." I can hear her walking, the sounds of the crowd getting more faint. "I'm going to my office, I'm going to lock the door.. The people down there were bloodthirsty, Ethan. I couldn't really see what was happening." "Hey, I'll be to your work soon. I'll call you from my cellphone when I get there, alright?" "No, No.. Please don't.. Whatever's happening is causing people to go crazy, I'll be fine here in my office I'll jus- There was a loud bang on her office wall, followed by a scream. This time it appeared male, and Liv screamed again. She dropped her phone as I heard it bang into the floor but she quickly snatched it back up. "There's someone outside the door, Ethan!" "I know, I know.. I'm on my way, push some stuff against the door." I stuttured when I talked, she could tell I was nervous. Whatever was happening, atleast from what I could tell was turning people violent. "LET ME IN, LET ME IN!" The man yelled, his voice disgruntled and gurgled. "JUST LET ME IN!" Liv cried again, faintly. I heard her pushing something, and propping it against the door. "Liv, just keep pushing things against the door, stack stuff even.. I'll be there soon." "Ethan.. Hurry! I'm afraid." "I will, try not to make too much noise." I hung up the phone almost instantly, just looking at it for a few moments. A cold sweat broke across my brow and I quickly grabbed my wallet and ran to the recliner. I stopped to look out the window, this time things were different. There were people running. And when I say running, I mean bolting. I knew I had to hurry, and I spun around and lunged for the recliner. Grabbed my phone then ran for the door, This is when I heard a scream from next door and a shriek. It sounded demonic, evil.. tainted. Knowing it would be dangerous I looked around for a weapon. I normally kept a baseball bat for when Jake and I wanted to hit some balls but it was in his truck. I ran into my bedroom and grabbed a switchblade I kept on my nightshelf. Running for the door, and hearing people screaming all around me I unlocked it and opened it. What met me was utter chaos, people running down the hallways screaming, men fighting with each other. I decided the best way would to be to run through the crowd and make it for the door, but I soon realised this was WAY easier thought then done. I was running, almost being trampled by the wave of people but I knew they were feeling the same way. A man grabbed my shirt, blood smearing from his hand onto the blue cloth as he ripped me towards him. I saw him wind back with a fist and throw it towards my face, and instinctively I let up a guard. I was by no means a fighter, I haven't even taken a martial arts course but Jake and I used to spar a lot.. Nothing serious however. I knocked the mans fist aside, it easily steering away from my face as I threw up a foot into his stomach. He grunted, his eyes fixed at me. A woman running by smashed into my side and I stumbled. The man was running at me, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I reached into my pocket and released the lock on my only weapon, the three inch razor revealing itself as I lunged forward, cutting the mans arm. He howled, coiling back and clutching his arm. "Fuck you! FUCK YOU!" He screamed at me as he ran off. It seemed I was causing some of the fear now, as everyone ran away from me as well. I looked down at the blade, blood dripping from it and I realized I had cut a man, not an abomination. The man attacked me for whatever reason, and I defended myself.. There's nothing wrong there, right? I got knocked into again, and this time sent against the wall, my head slamming against it. I then realized I was wasting my time sitting there, and ran off.. the blade still in my hands. I reached the stairs, but it was empty. There was a man laying at the bottom of the stairwell, blood across his chest. He looked dead and I ran down as fast as I could, jumping over him as I reached the bottom. I heard a grunt behind me as I did so, and turned to meet a cold stare and a hungry mouth wanting to sink it's teeth into my soft flesh. It crawled at me, but I quickly spun around and ran out the door. I was shaking, I couldn't believe what was happening. Was it a dream? Was I dreaming? No. If I was dreaming there'd be no real danger, dreams are hardly this realistic. When the man attacked me, I felt it.. this was the real deal. What was this disease.. what was going on? Ten thousand questions bouncing around my head as I pondered, walking to the parking lot. It looked deserted, all of the people must have already ran, those things chasing them.. Where were the police? Why wasn't anything stopping them? I heard a shriek from behind me and spun around.. A man jumped over a low stone wall, and stared at me. Blood covering his face, drenching his blue work short. He was only ten feet away, he looked like a sales-clerk at the local best buy. His name tag read [William]. His eyes were dead, the iris a hollow white color. They seemed stuck to me, almost glowing. He let out another shriek, and I heard footsteps from an allyway nearby. There's no way I could fight of him, let alone more.. Escape I had to run, to make it to my car.. Rescuing Liv escaped my mind, if I was dead then noone would be there to help her. I had to save my life first. The parking lot was a few blocks away. William charged at me as I spun around, sprinting. I couldn't even run in a straight line, I just ran in a general direction. I saw a few of them run out of the alleyway from the sides of my eyes. Will's footsteps were close behind me, it sounded like he was gaining on me. I felt the pocket-knife still in my hands and felt reassured. Atleast I had some means of defense against them. I turned a corner, which led to the parking lot and dug into my pocket with my free hand, grabbing my keys. There was someone else there, trying to get into a car, I couldn't see if it was normal or not. "GRAUUUAUAUUUURURRGHH" The loudest noise I have ever heard shot out from the small crowd behind me, and I only ran faster. The man near the car turned to me, and I realized he was one of them. "Fuck me." I said under my breath, running through the lot. I saw my car and ran off towards it.. keys in hand. I slammed into my car, jamming the key into the side.. struggling to fit it into the lock. William slammed into me, throwing all his weight on me. On pure instinct I swung around, jamming my pocket-knife into his chest as he howled. Blood flowed from the wound and the knife stuck in.. The car door sprung open, as I kicked William in the stomache and sent him tumbling backwards. I sprung unto the car, slamming the door shut and locking it. The crowd slammed into the side of it, I thought it was going to tip over. They were blood-thirsty, smashing at the glass. I threw the key into the ignition, twisting it and throwing it into drive. I drove faster than I ever have before. That's all I have so far, just post some criticism.. ideas.. anything would be helpful. Thanks! :D
Arrange your paragraphs a little more neatly, they're all jib-jab.
that was brilliant, i want more!
I MUST HAVE MORE Let's make a L4D mod out of it! The only thing I didn't like was the dialogue, but normally I never like dialogue, to be honest.
Thanks a lot, guys. xD
As a fellow writer of zombie fiction, I must say good job. Some of your grammar could be improved, for example there where some points where you used commas where i felt semi-colons were more appropriate. Other than that, good work, and I am now prompter to continue work on my story. Thank you.
The name "Liv" reminded me of "Liz" from Shaun of the dead. "Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over." On topic the story is really looking good.
I was thinking of drawing illustrations to go along with the scenes, or possibly make it into a web-comic later down the road. I'm happy you guys are enjoying it though, and it's far from over. I'll update it again sometime soon. xD
Another fucking zombie fan fiction with a shitty writer. It's awful, read some books and pay attention how to make proper sentences. [editline]01:10AM[/editline] Oh god I just finished reading the second half, and I must say I feel embarrassed to even look over this. It's as if some 300 pound weeaboo decided to make a story out of their Left for dead adventure or some shit. [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Unconstructive Criticism" - daijitsu))[/highlight]
If you're not going to post anything which will actually help, don't post anything at all. Your opinion of it is invalid. I don't give a FUCK if you like it or not, I asked for advice. Do you get a kick out of being a douche-bag on an internet forum? A troll perhaps? I don't care about your post-count you're probably that 300lb weeabo trying to make yourself feel better. Fuck off.
Another idiot who thinks they can just haul off on something like that. Report, move on. [QUOTE=Mr_Razzums;23462604]It's awful, read some books and [b]pay attention how to make proper sentences.[/b][/QUOTE] he made a grammar
I can't say I enjoy it, but it's probably because I'm not all that into zombies.
[quote]On pure instinct I swung around, jamming my pocket-knife into his chest as he howled. Blood flowed from the wound and the knife stuck in..[/quote] You have to stop writing .. constantly. Just use a period instead of two. It's kind of misleading when you use multiple.
Alright, thanks a lot guys. :D
I really like this, keep on writing it! I honestly didnt find anything bad about it.
It's not good, but it is a rough draft. Next time, post your second draft, simply to avoid a shitstorm of idiots who seem to like bans.
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