'lo,
Last time, I had written a short story, so I had asked your help to correct it, since English isn't my native language. To be honnest, the previous one was kind of... crappy. :)
Could you do the same with this one?
What you desire
“Dear brother, don't expect me to come back before two years. Since dad's death we don't earn any money anymore, we will die if we continue that kind of life and you know it. I heard about an island where I could find a treasure. This is just a rumour, yet the only thing that may save us. I let the rest of the food as well as the poor amount of money, use them cautiously. The departure is settled for tomorrow. By the time you read this letter, I'll be gone. Good luck.”
Yoshikazu
Here it is, The Confined Sadness! What a beautiful ship, I thought. The sun was sparkling on the sails, the water was gently swashing on the body and seagulls were alighted on the bow, as if they were welcoming the sailors. I took many risks to get her. Actually, I kind of sold my life, as I promised to the merchant that I would give him a part of the treasure, which I could never found. Still I was hopeful, the wind was favourable and we should reach the first port in two weeks, provided it continued this way.
At first, I was reluctant to get along with the sailors. They were friendly, for sure, but they didn't belong to my class. Even if I was broke, I wanted to maintain my honour. The captain saw that, and talked to me. “ If you don't want to be looked with a jaundiced eye, you'd better be friendly as well. They may be lout, but they have an iron will. “ From here I understood, we were all in the same boat ( no pun intended :D ). I was poor and so were they, we were at the same level, same class as I loved to say.
We arrived to Sackcombe Harbour two weeks later, as expected. This was lovely place, a pleasant atmosphere was conveying from here. From the smell of many spices to the coloured smokes thrown out from the chimneys. This village was located in a valley, so it rendered a magnificent sunset. We could have contemplated it for hours if we weren't busy. The ship needed a few repairs since a howling wind had torn one or two sails. I was surprised when the crew headed to a pitiful tavern, but I didn't have the choice.
The meal was simple but effective, and actually better than what we had eaten during the trip. I went to bed earlier than others, they wanted to play cards with the manager. I heard that he had promised them free beers provided they won. Meanwhile, I was thinking about the treasure. Was it jewels, gold, rare maps I could sell? No matter what it was I thought, I want it and I'll have it. Then I thought about my brother, was he safe, was he making some money, at least to survive? He had always been tenacious and never withdrawn back even in critical situations. “ He must be ok, he's a tough guy after all. “ Hereupon, I fell asleep.
“ Today's going to be a good day! “ I was barely woken up when I heard that shout from the first floor, and I swear that it was one of my sailors. It warmed my heart, they were ready to face the worst dangers. I went down, and I found the captain spelling out, with a help of a map, what the sailors were supposed to do. He told me about his plans, and I had to approve. He first wanted to navigate without a stop to the nearest port of the island, then take a break, land, and look for the treasure! Simple, but effectual. “However, he said, we'll have a hard time finding the treasure, we don't even know what it looks like. A buried chest, a hidden place in a cave, perhaps concealed in a rock. “ He was hesitating for a second, but he said “ We'll find it, I promise you! “, self-assured.
When I arrived on the deck, I was surprised by how the number of sailors had increased. The Captain noticed that and told me about the recruitment of many peasants. “ We needed them for the frisk. “ he said. “ The more people will search, the easier it will be to find out that chest or whatever it is. “
I was taking a fresh breath of air when the captain approached me, he had a grimly and bleakly attitude, I had never seen him like this before. “ I have bad news for you, Mr. Numata. “ The way he said it froze my blood the next second, because I knew. I knew what he was about to tell me, and I didn't know if I would be able to face it, to struggle for the cause I had left him. “ Mr. Numata, I've never been nifty about these things, so here it is, clear and direct. Your brother... Your brother is dead. “ The sentence acted like a blade on my throat, I knew it yes, but I was still expecting the news to be something else. The Captain gave me a letter, most certainly written by my brother, Kazuyuki. I barely made it to my cabin, and opened the letter.
“ Dear Yoshikazu, I gather my last forces and make the effort to write this letter for you to know that it was the worst year I've passed in my whole life. The money you left for me was obviously not enough to keep me alive, you forsook me like a rotten doll, and for this I wish you to be cursed. “ By the time I was reading this, sadness and regret softened my face, I was crying for the first time since I had left him, since I had decided to make our lives better. I failed. “ I wish you to endure what I felt, I saw myself dying each day in the mirror, getting paler and paler, flimsier and flimsier, until I was rubbish-like enough for a doctor to auscultate me, but it was too late. I was affected by a disease no one knew about, I was finished and I knew it, I could count how many days left I had. “ At this moment I burst into tears. My little brother, the one I had bred in the position of my parents, died with an endless hatred towards me.
The following days were a torture, I couldn't help thinking about him, his happy face when mother was playing with us, when father was cheerful to announce us he had found a new job. The innocent child I had been knowing for the past ten years had died because of me, because of my will to change the nightmare we were in. When he asked me if he could come, I answered that it was too dangerous for him, that he was too young ( he had just turned 16 when I left him ). Now I realize how horrid it was, how selfish I have been, I let him in that said nightmare while I was rising to a new existence. I even tried to kill myself with medicines we had aboard, I failed by two times, the Captain was feeling I could do that and he always came nick of time to save me. “ I must forget about him, and as promised, I need to find that chest or whatever it is, I swore it to him. “
An outstanding sunset was being drawn when the Captain came to me. He had a terrified face. “ I... I hea... heard about a rumour, I thought it was a good idea to tell you about. “ I let him continue as he was catching his breath, which was strange because the boat wasn't so huge, you couldn't run for so much time and get out of breath. “ One of our sailors had received a letter, written by his mother. Here it is, please read it carefully. “
“ My dear Shougo, I'm happy for you that you have embarked in The Confined Sadness, however, you should be aware of the following. Thirasia, the island you're heading to, is guarded by many divinities. Their chief appears to be a winged man, ready to defend it to his death. Please, turn back, and leave that treasure alone. “
“ Tell me Captain, do you believe in such aspersion? Because you shouldn't, and nothing like this will deflect us from our objective. “ “ Understood Sir, we'll continue our trip to Thirasia. “
The following day we went ashore on Thirasia. The fresh air of the morning was giving courage to our strong-willed sailors, they went into the forest so deeply that they disappeared from our sight. A few hours later, we heard a shout from the forest, most certainly the sailors had discovered something. “ We found it! We found it! “ we heard, as we were approaching the first place where the shout had been heard. A few minutes later, it was just in front of me, the so desired chest, the treasure, the thing that could have saved my brother.
Written on it, we could see “ You will find what you desire. “ What a stupid kind of superstition. “ I broke down the keyhole, and opened it.
I couldn't believe what I saw, that was... another chest. The first one fade into the air. I opened the second one, another chest. Same thing with the third...
Then I realized that the inscription wasn't a lie at all. What did I desire during the past two years? A chest. No matter what it could have been, I always thought that it was a chest, I desired it. I asked a sailor to open this third chest, perhaps something different would happen. He got instantly killed by a dart that came from nowhere.
All of a sudden, a man came from the sky, he was winged. His wings were as white as the clouds, he was majestic. He landed near us, and began to speak: “ You found my heart and you opened it, by this I'll be dead soon, and the one who touched the chest first will reborn as an angel, as what I am. Then, he flew away, and disappeared in the sky.
I was the one who touched the chest first.
Same as the previous one, if you think that it's pure shit, just tell me, I accept every review.
Oh niicee.
Im not really a critic, so I have no real things to complain about, I also skimmed through it, but I like it.
Read the second to last line and thought it was an erotic shortstory.
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