• 300 Word Essay - Proofing Requested.
    4 replies, posted
So I'm applying to the honors program at UNL (Unversity of Nebraska - Lincoln) and for the application I need two essays. I've completed one of them. Here is the prompt for the other one. Analytical Reflection: There are many pressing national and international public policy issues that society faces at the beginning of the 21st century. Select one you feel passionate about and tell us why you believe it is significant and then propose a strategy to address the issue. (limit 300 words) And here is what I have. 289 words. [release]At the last election, many pressing issues were brought up regarding South Dakota law. Among these issues was the topic of public smoking. The item, referred law twelve, was a smoking ban that would eliminate public smoking almost entirely, excepting designated rooms, cigar bars, and tobacco stores. The law passed with a two-thirds majority vote, and it went into effect on the eleventh of this month. This is a major victory for those opposed to smoking (including myself), but there is an issue that troubles me. The nature of the law is to eliminate smoking, but the law only requires owners of public establishments where people violate the ban to gently remind the violators of the law. It doesn’t require expulsion from the building, it doesn’t require informing the authorities. If this remains unchecked, the ban will ultimately fail. In the twenties, the eighteenth amendment prohibited the use of alcoholic products. It was a nice idea, but terribly executed. In the nearly fifteen years of its life, the new government program to enforce the law-- the FBI-- was underpaid and overworked. The workers were easy to pay off, and alcohol flowed freely from a few dominant figures. This is what the ban is doomed to, if nothing is done to salvage it. Another extension needs to be issued. The extension should call for managers and owners to inform authorities of unauthorized smoking, and a hefty fine for those who fail to do this. Therefore, managers and owners are more likely to report the crimes and it will establish a firm grip in South Dakota law. The implementation of this small extension would hopefully deter the allowance of public smoking, and help set the foundations for a cleaner public environment.[/release]
[quote]but the law only requires owners of public establishments where people violate the ban to gently remind the violators of the law[/quote] This is worded in a way that's hard to follow. Try 'the law only requires establishment owners to simply warn violators of the ban.' I'm not a writer so this is just a quick suggestion.
I'll take that into consideration. That does sound cleaner... but it's still kinda bulky...
Oh oh something I'm good at! I'll proof read for ya. I'm gonna do it the pro way (my mother's a copy editor for an acedemic journal- just got promoted from 'proof reader' so I know my shit) and print it out, annotate, and scan. That way it should be easy to see what I'm correcting / suggesting. You k with this? [editline]12th November 2010[/editline] I'll even borrow my mum's red pen :buddy:
Boring. Boring boring boring. Your first sentence needs to be an attention grabber. Get yourself a thesaurus and find some exciting words. Also, to nitpick, "to gently remind the violators of the law. It doesn’t require expulsion from the building, it doesn’t require informing the authorities" You should use an and to join those thoughts. Don't say the twenties, give a specific year. Explain why it was a nice idea.(First off, you can find a better word than nice. Again, thesaurus time.) Give examples of the dominant figures. Seriously, names and dates are extremely important to include in your college papers. Also, be more detailed. What were the workers paid off with? It seems like, with this entire paragraph, you're spending too much time on a different issue, and not the one you're talking about. It's too big of a topic to use as an example for your short amount of words. "A hefty fine for those who fail to do this" sounds bad. Bad sentence structure. Try again. Also, how much should the fine be? Be more specific, since this is one of the more important parts of your essay. A firm grip in South Dakota law sounds like a cheesy cliche. It's a high school level of writing- step it up with your phrase choice. Why is it a small extension? Exactly how small? And for the last sentence, another nitpick thing, instead of using and there, use "which would" etc. etc. Overall, you need to make it more entertaining, be more specific, and spend more time focusing on your issue, instead of an issue that's outdated.
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