Story Universe need help with direction. NO TLDR AVAILABLE
6 replies, posted
[B]Advanced Warning:This will not have a TL;DR because its too complicated to summarize effectively!!!!!!!!![/B]
There will probably be lots of typos and mistakes too, I wrote this as fast as I could to not forget anything.
Hey FP Creativity Peoples! Some of you may recognize me (Not that hard since I'm pathetically addicted to FP) as the author of the HL2 fanfic, [I]No-Life[/I]. I came here for suggestions and ideas and while I may have seemed extremely hostile I did actually take into account what you said and the characters have been changed. (They're still based off myself and friends but they are no longer us.) I'd like to first thank all of those who posted in the shitty topic I posted, you have actually made writing the story somewhat easier for me. I'd also like to apologize for being a hostile douche when I should've been expecting harsh criticism. I wasn't completely prepared for the truth because even though the people helping me edit my story would point out stuff they normally told me that it was well written which got my ego built up dangerously high. So I apologize to those who either saw potential in what I wrote and were pushing me or just thought it was a lazy pile of shit and I wouldn't get anywhere with it. I know this is very long intro but I needed to let you guys know that you helped. However lets move on to what this topic is actually about.
[I]No-Life[/I], is in fact just a test run and a very unlikely nerdy dream. It was to see if I could keep a coherent story relatively well and for the most part I have learned that I can but I must be careful. The actual genuine idea that has come right out of my brain through drawing visual and plot elements out of history, video games and books. I am claiming that I have not stolen any ideas, [B]on purpose[/B]. I put that little hesitance right there because I once started my own crappy hand drawn web comic and someone pointed out that there was a comic similar to mine with the same character names which took me by surprise. Let me get back on topic, because this is life threateningly important to me. My whole idea is based around a light bulb that shot up when I was watching the anime series [I]Elfen Lied[/I] to humor an ex-girlfriend, or at least I think that is where part of the bulb came from.
Anyway, the universe is still set on Earth. Humans are still alive and thriving miraculously and are now actually in balance with nature and tech, similar to Mass Effect. But during the Global Warming Crisis which lasted a very devastating century the drastic changes in the world's environment forced humanity to evolve into two new races with humans still there. I'm hoping to turn this into a very long real time tactical game similar in mechanics to [I]World in Conflict.[/I]
[U]The Fusorians[/U](You can suggest a better name.)
By that point, Most of Western Europe had become a single sprawling super metropolis(if such a thing exists) with Eastern Europe becoming the mega suburbs and Russia being the agricultural/resource wonderland for the now billions living in New Europa(Need a less cliche name) because of the cramped conditions they began to evolve more spring intensive muscles to scale stairs, ladders and even leap entire floors with ease. Also because of the absurdly large skyscrapers, their skin pigmentation became lighter and they gained the ability to metabolize much less oxygen. With this new ability though they're also now forced to wear breathing masks at a certain threshold because of the lingering pollution from the century before. Most citizens now just wear personal breathing masks 24/7 for ease and comfort. Inside the city, many of the older sections have been renovated or changed into rows of dorms for University students with the Fusorian school system being extremely well. Their society as a whole is extremely advanced and are seen as high intelligent problem solvers. However, with this kind of brain capacity, many become easily discouraged or depressed within society because they're actually able to calculate their overall odds at almost everything. This led to them develop and now harness Fusion Power to its fullest potential. However, little is known about Fusorians outside themselves because all three species are each other throats on a constant basis. There are no humans in Fusoria, all were forced out of Fusoria once the Fusorians took control.
Their society is primarily scientific/militaristic with a Socialistic Democracy similar to the way the EU is for us right now. Nations are no more and everyone may come from a particular region where a nation used to stand but for the most part everything is blended. Their language is composed equal parts German/Dutch, Russian and English with a few Arabic words thrown in because of the mid last century influx of middle easterners fleeing from the other evolving species, the Scourge. The Fusorian is name the Bundeswehr for Germany's key role in dealing with the massive human civil war against the Fusorians using peaceful negotiations first and then force after civil war broke out. The Bundeswehr's army operates as it does now, creating the most intelligent and quickest armed force in the world. However, because their intelligence, Fusorians have a tendency to be easily demoralized when they realize either their strategies are not working or they are doing something that is statistically very against them. Their strength is also less to help lift up their own body weight and for the fact its so crowded inside the cities. Women are also not allowed in the armed services unless they're barren, the government sees a woman who could create life is better to save then waste to take a hill.
I'm basing the Bundeswehr's visual looks off of the Helghast from Killzone and the Overwatch soldiers with their vehicles being a mix of current European vehicles and the Chimera's walker units. Their musical style is mix of song like Half Life 2's tracks like CP Violation( [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8l81NX9X6w[/url] )
[U]The Scourge[/U](Also can use a different name.)
During the Global Warming Crisis Century (GWCC), Africa and the Middle East took a massive hit. Numbers quickly fell as the Sahara Desert expanded forcing the Africans there to take back up their ancestors nomadic life style. While they did this, they learned the pain staking art of building sturdy buildings quickly and creating farm ditches. They combined the two relatively quickly and through this the Scourge evolved forth. In the process they lost a portion of their necks and forever stooping their head but giving them a greater ability of caring heavier gear or more on their backs and shoulders. Half way through the GWCC they had built sprawling green house cities. Carving deep into the earth to create a more manageable way of escaping the heat rebuilding their civilization. It also led to them creating quick, effective and expert methods of mining so they can avoid things like harmful fumes, energy waste and tunnel collapses. Their nation of proud dark skinned men and women stretches from the southern most tip of Africa to the North and east to the old border of Pakistan. They boast plentiful power from their massive desert solar power plants which in of themselves are as big as small cities. Their people are not as intelligent compared to Humans and especially Fusorians, but they're much wiser and have a strong sense of community. The only problem is that once that sense of community disappears they become unable to function very well. They become jumpy, anxious and easily depressed without their safety net.
Scourge society is philosophical/expansionary with medium sized groups frequently leaving the bigger cities to go and make their own ditch city. They speak a mix of Arabic and Hebrew since the first occurances and quick spread actually started in Palestine and Israel, how it jumped to Africa so quickly still baffles human scientists. Their government is a Constitutional Monarchy, the same family in power since they first established their government. Through the line of Kings and Queens, they have led the Scourge into a golden age of happiness and advancement, through this they have made major strives in figuring out whether control, content on helping push their civilization into the first scientific tier of civilization. This somewhat foreboading ego is only matched by their military men and women who's training starts at child hood and grows up to become a fighter, a warrior and protector of his/her people. The Royal Scourgian Armed forces are the toughest soldiers in the world and pack the biggest punch, but they panic easily if their squad leader who also acts as the community head is taken out or too many in a single squad are KIA. Since every Scourgian grows up with such massive importance on community that when the perceived head is killed a massive ceremony is held. This makes Scourgian troops less flexible when reinforcements are needed, usually generals wait for whole squads to get wiped out or send in back up immediately and its usually the latter.
I'm basing the Scourge troops off of the Brotherhood of Steel and the Greek Spartans while their vehicles are based of Russian designs and the Overwatch Hunters and Striders. Their music styling would be closer to classic music like from the album series [I]Two Steps From Hell[/I] with tracks similar to Freedom Fighters ( [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xjdzVbe-H8[/url] ) and Sons of War ( [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tvz5-04Q7KE[/url] )
[U]Humans[/U]
Once Human governments realize what was happening, they took a dark turn of actions. Fearing that humanity would become an evolutionary dead end they decided that instead of trying to go along gracefully with it they would eliminate the competition. Children were picked up, mothers were examined and both were tested on. However all those tests fell through as soon the brunt of damage from their lack of action on global warming force them to take drastic measures. While they were busy fixing the damage they ignored for so long, people began to notice the difference in those new generations of their kindred. It wasn't a decade before the leaked scientific documents created in an open revolt in Europe, Africa and the Middle East. By that point, more than half the populations were respectively Fusorian and Scourge and it didn't take much to tip the balance in favor of the younger generations of the emerging species to easily overpower an aging Human population. The governments soon set up afterward forced a mass exodus of the remnants of Humanity to the last two places that were human, North and South America. It didn't take long there that another civil war ripped through two sides, one that wanted to join both South and North America into one single government and those who wanted their continents separate. However it wasn't one side that one over the other, it was the mutual fear of what could happen if they both became easy targets. They immediately closed off all borders and cut off all communication with the rest of the world. Paranoid about using any fuel source that could potentially erase a major corner of their land, the Human government immediatly began to build massive wind farms across the Midwest of North America. Cities like New York, Los Angelas and Rio de Janeiro engulfed smaller cities or joined up with equally sized ones. Suburban towns were quickly flattened for farming to feed the growing cities since the South American Rain Forest had been most of its natural span back and was a protected wild life sanctuary. Human society changed dramatically, it was no longer every man/women by themselves, it became this equal feeling that they were all by themselves, a massive refugee camp for Humanity. Through this they grew iron will to fight, against impossible odds and even alone. They may not be as intelligent as Fusorians but they take more gambles which can pay off greatly, like hydrogen fuel. The government took a gamble banned fossil fuels because of how expensive it could become to get and instead went with something they had plenty of. Everything is now fueled on hydrogen, cars, planes, armored vehicles.
Human society has evolved into militaristic/diplomatic while having a Democratic Republic for a government. They learned a lot from the failings of United States constitution and learned from the experiment to create a fair and balanced system. The military is the United Human Armed Forces or UHAF, which took several steps backward in a weird way. While troops aren't trained from childhood, they go through the harshest training out of any of the other species. At least a fourth of the troops who begin training die during it, but just being accepted to become a military man or woman is seen as a massive honor. They go through a long excruciating training process full of physical and psychological training. The weird step backward however is the fact that each soldier that complete their training, becomes a knight. The system of hierarchy in the UHAF is extremely monarchy-like, with just a few names switched out, there are no kings/queens or barons, those are generals and lieutenants. The small arms soldiers carry reflect this ideology as each gun is covered in individualistic engraving and carvings. Dog tags and right shoulder pads also display individual symbols based on each name's original meaning with their rank below that. On the left side is their unit symbol, usually with state shape as the base and then what branch their part of followed by unit designation. Through all this, a human soldier will fight against impossible odds with the same tenacity and passion they would against probable odds.
The humans are based Brotherhood of Steel and their armor look which is similar to games GRAWR, they definitly could look like a marine from Halo but a lot more graceful looking. Their vehicles are based off based off the German Warmacht along with using some Battletech mechs. Their musical styling will sound similar to WFNFC (Working For a Nuclear Free City) songs like their single, [I]Silent Melody[/I]( [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXdsl7fBSI[/url] ).
So there are the three main factions, I've been busy drawing a human and scourge so I'll try to get those scanned onto a flash drive and then upload them. This is seven years of constant changes, I'm hoping I can stick with this. I'm sorry if this is too much.
Is it really too long?
It's not too long, it's just too thick and is pretty much a wall of text.
Really, cut it up more.
[quote]when I was watching the anime series Elfen Lied [/quote]
[quote]similar to Mass Effect.[/quote]
[quote]the Helghast from Killzone and the Overwatch soldiers[/quote]
[quote]Their musical style is mix of song like Half Life 2's tracks[/quote]
[quote]I'm basing the Scourge troops off of the Brotherhood of Steel [/quote]
[quote]and the Overwatch Hunters and Striders.[/quote]
[quote]Their music styling would be closer to classic music like from the album series Two Steps From Hell [/quote]
[quote]The humans are based Brotherhood of Steel[/quote]
[quote] similar to games GRAWR,[/quote]
[quote] look like a marine from Halo[/quote]
[quote]with using some Battletech mechs. [/quote]
I quickly looked through the text and the quotes above are some things I'd like to talk about.
You seem to take a lot of inspiration from video games, so much that you base whole stories of them. If you ever plan on making a game (you have really high expectations of yourself) you need to stop with taking all your inspiration from video games. Base them off from real-life things, or make them up completely by your own.
Now, I'm going to go ahead two of the first paragraphs (that you need to clean up, asap).
[quote]But during the Global Warming Crisis which lasted a very devastating century the drastic changes in the world's environment forced humanity to evolve into two new races with humans still there.[/quote]
So if I understand this correct, you're going to have people change drastically (as in, evolve to something that isn't human) within a hundred years?
That's around 5 generations, no where in hell is that enough to even force mankind to change so drastically that they aren't humans anymore. Mankind hasn't changed one bit in over ten thousand years and we've adapted to environments we weren't even supposed to live in, and the only real change we've undergone is skin colour. Either make it a couple of thousands of years to make it semi realistic or skip the whole "evolving to something other than humans".
[quote]I'm hoping to turn this into a very long real time tactical game similar in mechanics to World in Conflict.[/quote]
I wouldn't count on it when your story seems to be revolving around the games you love.
[quote]By that point, Most of Western Europe had become a single sprawling super metropolis[/quote]
By what point? What parts of western europe? How many years are we talking? a hundred years?
[quote]with Eastern Europe becoming the mega suburbs[/quote]
So I'm now curious exactly how this works. So western europe is now one single city (how large are we talking? I assume this metropolis you are talking about is one single megacity, you need to decide how big it is and not give any vague information that'll only confuse the reader). and eastern europe has become a mega suburb. With this what do you mean? A giant suburb that's connected with the metropolis, or are there several cities that are joined together with roads and railroads?
[quote]Russia being the agricultural/resource wonderland for the now billions living in New Europa[/quote]
I'm honestly curious how one of the worst places on earth to farm food could change so quickly to become the best place (middle europe would be a much, much better candidate) to plant vegetables etc on. I mean what giant climatic changes are we talking about? Whatever has changed couldn't possibly change during one hundred years though, we're talking about thousands of year not only to clean up the air but also the water to make it possible to farm such vast space.
Russia barely have any lakes, pretty much every lake that were useable is now drained or polluted so badly you can't even think about making it hospitable again.
[quote]of the cramped conditions they began to evolve more spring intensive muscles to scale stairs, ladders and even leap entire floors with ease.[/quote]
Once again, what timeframe?
What could possibly be the evolutionary advantage to this? The world suddenly became a place where people had to jump entire floors to get to their food? If anything, people would start to lose height and weight if it's cramped.
[quote]Also because of the absurdly large skyscrapers, their skin pigmentation became lighter and they gained the ability to metabolize much less oxygen. [/quote]
...What? Why would their skin become lighter? Why are they capable of using less air?
[quote]With this new ability though they're also now forced to wear breathing masks at a certain threshold because of the lingering pollution from the century before.[/quote]
So I guess they gained evolutionary traits that doesn't really help them survive within a hundred years.
If I've understood this right, they have leg muscles that must be the size of trunks, they are also very, very light skinned (how?) and doesn't need as much oxygen as we do to survive. Still they need gas masks to breath. Makes no sense at all.
[quote]Inside the city, many of the older sections have been renovated or changed into rows of dorms for University students with the Fusorian school system being extremely well. [/quote]
School system being well? What?
[quote]Their society as a whole is extremely advanced and are seen as high intelligent problem solvers.[/quote]
So not only are they capable of jumping extremly high, they don't need to breath as much air but still need gas masks to survive and have an extremely advanced brain it seems. Which would require a lot of air.
If they had such well developed brains they wouldn't need their legs to be able to jump high or whatever, they would develop something that makes it easier for them to jump or travel faster. There's a reason why mankind have been constantly developing methods to do things our bodies can do but better, and that's because they are easier methods of achieveing something.
[quote]However, with this kind of brain capacity, many become easily discouraged or depressed within society because they're actually able to calculate their overall odds at almost everything.[/quote]
Ok so we're talking extremely well developed brains now it seems, it almost makes me thing about...
Oh yes, humans and their kin, primates.
Primates have larger legs to be able to transport themselves, whereas we humans gained a bigger brain. And now we can transport ourselves so much more efficently that we outrace other primates, so no need to have giant legs.
Being easily discouraged and depressed doesn't make sense either, someone who is even capable of calculating their overall odds would be extremely smart, and should therefore be able to solve it with improvisation.
[quote]
This led to them develop and now harness Fusion Power to its fullest potential. However, little is known about Fusorians outside themselves because all three species are each other throats on a constant basis. There are no humans in Fusoria, all were forced out of Fusoria once the Fusorians took control.
[/quote]
I'm going to take a leap but I guess they are called Fusorians because of them being able to use Fusion Power, correct?
[quote]
Their society is primarily scientific/militaristic with a Socialistic Democracy similar to the way the EU is for us right now. [/quote]
You really need to develop even further what their society is like.
[quote]
Nations are no more and everyone may come from a particular region where a nation used to stand but for the most part everything is blended.[/quote]
I have a hard time understanding exactly what you're trying to convey here.
[quote]
Their language is composed equal parts German/Dutch, Russian and English with a few Arabic words thrown in because of the mid last century influx of middle easterners fleeing from the other evolving species, the Scourge.
[/quote]
Uh, what?
[quote]The Fusorian is name the Bundeswehr for Germany's key role in dealing with the massive human civil war against the Fusorians using peaceful negotiations first and then force after civil war broke out.[/quote]
Here's another piece I really, really can't make out what you're trying to convey.
The fusorian is name?
Massive human civil war against the fusorian?
I'm pretty sure what you're talking about is a regular war.
[quote]The Bundeswehr's army operates as it does now, creating the most intelligent and quickest armed force in the world.[/quote]
quickest armed force? Huh?
Operates as it does now? What?
[quote]However, because their intelligence, Fusorians have a tendency to be easily demoralized when they realize either their strategies are not working or they are doing something that is statistically very against them.[/quote]
A race that appears to be the most intelligent species shouldn't be easily demoralized, nor should they have strategies that are not working. A race that appears to have such intelligence as yours should be able to quickly come up with plans that work if their main plan doesn't work.
I'm honestly baffled how a species (that evolved within a hundred years no less?) that appears to be the most scientifically advanced and supieror race can still be the superior race if they seem to break down at the sight of resistance.
How?
[quote]Their strength is also less to help lift up their own body weight and for the fact its so crowded inside the cities. Women are also not allowed in the armed services unless they're barren, the government sees a woman who could create life is better to save then waste to take a hill. [/quote]
Their strength is... what?
So, uh, how the hell do these things survive or even farm food? They appear to be shaped really oddly and in no way could such a thing as these fusorians survive the world if they act like they do.
They have giant fucking legs that makes it possible for them to jump up stories, how can they not be able to lift their own weight?
And they appear to have some really fucked up laws for something that is social democratic, this sounds more like a facist state.
I'm not even sure why I bother, because this really doesn't make a lot (if any) sense at all.
I haven't read the whole thing but it sounds like you're creating a backstory for some kind of RPG or RTS game. If you want to write a story, just write a story. Writing out the elaborate details of some alien's farming techniques isn't going to get you any closer to having an interesting plot or relatable characters.
[QUOTE=TH89;26419366]I haven't read the whole thing but it sounds like you're creating a backstory for some kind of RPG or RTS game. If you want to write a story, just write a story. Writing out the elaborate details of some alien's farming techniques isn't going to get you any closer to having an interesting plot or relatable characters.[/QUOTE]
Good point, and they're not actually aliens. Fuck back to the drawing board.\
I'm just gonna scrap the whole thing. Its too complicated and confusing/doesn't make sense. I've been working on this longer than No-Life and it seems even that I have to scrap. The original intent was to make it an RTT and try to paint it so none of the sides truely look evil or good. I was aiming for many shades of grey like real life pulls off. Instead, I ended up with a cliche mess of shit. Fuck my life...hard.
Make a lot of research when you write your stuff, you should probably spend at least three times as much time just researching than writing the story itself. Make a strong foundation and make sure to really explain everything.
Ask yourself "Why do they do like that?", write it down. Ask yourself "How do they do that?" and write it down. Read what you've written down and ask yourself the same questions again, and repeat until you could recite it in your sleep. This will also make sure that it really makes sense what you're writing so that anyone can understand it.
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