• Boo Hoo - Just need to share something
    9 replies, posted
Hi, Facepunch. I'm sure some of you know about me, as one of the shit-posters or average-all-in-all-guy. Recently, something has happened that I really don't want to go into right now, but I had to write this and share with all of you to deal with the negativity in me. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Though to be honest, it's still pretty big... Like I just wrote, I am a very negative person. I hold melancholy and anger within me, rising to critical peaks where I have to break down and cry, like a few moments ago. It might be okay if it's just something horrible happened, like my pet died (which didn't, I don't have any pets) or my dreams are shattered -- but the fact is, my problem has been going on for most of my life now. From young age, I was very different. I am an introvert and I have Aspergers syndrome, which might sound ideal for a lonely person like me -- but I just got sick of being alone all the time. I had to go through some physical pain in my childhood... I was pecked by a rooster between the eyes at the age of 3; my father left me and my Mom at the age of 4, barely with anything to another woman (he even promised us things that only now he has with her) which, by the way, gave me the syndrome; at age of 5 me and my mother got into a car-crash on the way home. Some assholes were driving on the wrong lane and crashed into us, she broke her neck, I didn't break anything, she survived and is still walking (very strong woman) but I still got quite a beating; when I was 7 year old, a dog bit my arm, very quickly and painfully... It was also a large dog; at the age of 8, I was running around the road when I slipped and peeled some of my skin off my forehead and nose. Naturally that seems a bit over-the-top but on my case, the asphalt was just filled with little pebbles and rocks sticking out, making things a bit sharp and pointy... Things got a bit better after that. Only until the age of 15, 6 days before my birthday I got hit by a car. But I was okay, didn't break anything and I woke up only about a second later after the hit. I'm pretty tough myself. Now, I'm pretty fine after all those times. I work out, do stretches and play on the clarinet from time to time. But the fact that I mentioned that I'm an introvert and have Aspergers syndrome does relate to all this. I live in Lithuania, Vilnius. Some of you might know it's not a very nice place, considering that my race is Russian and I don't have a single drop of Lithuanian blood in me. But I almost never experienced facism from the locals here. However, from a young age I wasn't really bullied, but more of being considered as an Outcast. From kindergarden, no one really liked me, I was selfish, I was autistic and didn't have the same grasp of reality as the others did, but I still had a hard time with it. The teachers at the kindergarden weren't kind and often took the children side and made fun of me (not to mention the cafeteria ruined my taste for most meals, I couldn't eat fish and most meat until recent years). Thus, I was alone most of the time, had only enemies and no friends. When I went to school, I was hoping that I could make friends, change things for better but... Murphys Law stroke and some of the kids came with me to my class and told everyone nasty rumors about me, thus, destroying my chances. As years pass-by, I was able to make very few friends and often times turn with them into enemies. Most kids didn't like me and all the hope I wanted to give was always declined. My only retreat was my mother and the computer with it's video-games -- no matter what kind of game, how bad, I was always able to enjoy it and love it. Even if it didn't have sound, even if it was frustrating and difficult, I loved it. Eventually, after finishing 1/3 whole class years of the school system, I was sent to a new system of education -- I was set 1 on 1 with a teacher. Still today, I follow that system, with some classes gotten rid of (gym, creativity, art, religion). During recess (yes we have those, 10 minutes break and 30 minutes break after the third class) I had nothing to do but go around and around and around the same spot as I always go to. I was coming back to my old class from time to time but I wasn't accepted anymore and even thrown away because I was in a different class after put into this new system (I forgot to mention that I had trouble learning with a whole class full of people). The new teacher kept saying that I wasn't allowed in and even instructed 2 students to keep me out, but I always got inside the class but they just kept nagging me to leave. One day, during a class photo-shoot, I wanted to take a photo with a friend of mine for memories, we did but the teacher thrown it out and I eventually just got fed up with the whole class and left, ignoring them completely. Years go by, at least for 4 years I have been a complete loner. Eventually the dark and cruel wasteland that everyone is so afraid of turned nothing but to a simple, small shade where I could sit down and think, which, helped me improve my imagination and creativity. I met a girl... But I eventually broke up with her because my social skills were absolute terror. I had very little sense and was always in need of guidance by my parents (step-father included). I was always tensed and stressed. Even now, just coming up to a person to meet him/her is absolutely hard and incredibly terrifying inside. I got better though, years pass by and I get better and better with this social etiquette thing and I met a few people this class-year. But I have been craving for a relationship; it's not a case where "it will make me happy" but it something that I just really want to do. Spend some time with another being that you could relate to and share precious time with (and do I have the necessary knowledge for how to ensure for that to happen). However, the recent time, those people... They don't like me anymore. They leave and forget about me, or so wish and I try to make sure that happens. It's [b]very[/b] hard for me to deal with rejection and give things up. I'm the very definition of stubbornness. I'm always pessimistic and negative with those people, tend to tell them (only online) about bad things about me -- which is pretty bad itself. I keep stressing them and I realize that, naturally, and try to let them go and do their thing. I attend Acting classes (which I'm pretty damned good at) and tend to have a good reputation there, though I don't really have anyone that I could consider as a friend. I keep a notebook where I record my thoughts, philosophy and just draw things. Thanks to it, I was able to think of a grand world and the people I tell to, all say that it's very creative and quite nice. And believe me, I can tell apart a lie and truth... I've experienced enough of it. And as present day, I am mostly alone again. I guess I can say now that I have lost a very close person to me. I liked her a lot, but after reaching a peek in my negativity, for the first time in over a year, I broke down, cried and blamed her for numerous things. I shouldn't have, I try not to, I try to blame no one in situations that they're not in-fault of. I apologized, I kept saying sorry, I tried to be nice but I just broke everything apart. My parents always argue, always, but they're not bad, they're very nice people and kind people... They just have very controversial flaws, coincidentally, the ones they hate the most. I try to keep these kinds of things away from them, hoping they will never know and carry on with themselves. I don't even want to go to a therapist so they wouldn't waste their money and time on all this. I forgot to mention that I also have language disabilities. I can't speak Russian and Lithuanian fluently and have to take pauses until I finally think of a way to express myself. English is my main language. And finally, here I am. Present day. Alone. Again. Not scared, but sick of solitude. Very desperate and anxious. I'm one of those "A nice place to visit but a horrible place to live" types too. I have been holding this back from you Facepunch too, but I wanted to share so I can finally calm myself down a bit; a psychological technique improvised. The computer and the internet provided me with entertainment and communication... But recently I felt unsatisfied with all of these things. Never enough. My retreat is my horrible need to act like a complete and utter moron for amusement for myself. I keep trying to look at myself and try to improve myself somehow, but it's mostly just the spectating part that works. If you read this, thanks.
If it's any help, i'm in the same boat too. [editline]6th May 2012[/editline] barring the different race and parent problems.
Not to be a dick but... [QUOTE=GlebGuy;35852638] and play on the clarinet [/QUOTE] Sounds like squidwards childhood... Now he works at a burger joint..
You should probably post this in the depression thread, you'll get better advice.
Yeah, uh think positive and all. It sounds cliche but it works
I'm no psychiatrist but I could help showing some support. I hope things will get better, and it probably will.
You could always start with attempting to get closer to people in your acting classes. They don't seem to have a bad view of you so it'd be a good place to make some friends.
Based on the tone of your writing and your social insight, you don't appear to have Asperger syndrome. What I think may have happened is that you had an unusually bad social development as a result of how you've grown up. I think people need to stop diagnosing everyone with a less-than-average social development as someone with Asperger syndrome. the fact that you've learned social etiquette on your own shows that you don't have it. Also, I'll be your fuckin' friend. You can PM me, I'll probably take a day to week, but sometimes, I'll reply multiple times in one day.
[QUOTE=Lord_Ragnarok;35859300]Based on the tone of your writing and your social insight, you don't appear to have Asperger syndrome.[/QUOTE] Oh, but I do. See, when my father left me and my mother with nothing but an old apartment, I fell into a very stressful shock in which my brain just... Turned off. When I got my conscious, I was unusually calm and I started talking in English (I watched English cartoons all the time prior to this event). I had large interest in the English language as I got it and declined every other language. But I did break down and hit my head from some sort of frustration, sometimes. And I thank you all for your concern, but really I only wrote this so it would be easier for me since expressing your feelings, may it be in writing or online actually helps you to release it. Furthermore, I thank you one more time that you all wanted to become my friend, but it won't work, sadly. I want a friend who I can talk to in reality. Meet up somewhere, sit down and have a nice chat and so forth (not to mention my standards are pretty high but I am trying to lower them). [QUOTE=Hiighwire;35858994]You could always start with attempting to get closer to people in your acting classes. They don't seem to have a bad view of you so it'd be a good place to make some friends.[/QUOTE] I am sort of trying, but I keep being kicked back by myself from talking to a rather nice group from the fear of rejection. Not to mention I don't really have such a nice reputation where I go to. But they do seem okay with me. Another thing -- I forgot to mention that I only have a year left in this school, until I take the UCAS system of education and go straight to Scotland for free Uni. There, I could start new and have an easier time communicating with everyone since everyone there speaks English. (Lithuanians barely know a few words) But... As they say. The last things are always the hardest.
[QUOTE=GlebGuy;35861421]Oh, but I do. See, when my father left me and my mother with nothing but an old apartment, I fell into a very stressful shock in which my brain just... Turned off. When I got my conscious, I was unusually calm and I started talking in English (I watched English cartoons all the time prior to this event). I had large interest in the English language as I got it and declined every other language. But I did break down and hit my head from some sort of frustration, sometimes. And I thank you all for your concern, but really I only wrote this so it would be easier for me since expressing your feelings, may it be in writing or online actually helps you to release it. Furthermore, I thank you one more time that you all wanted to become my friend, but it won't work, sadly. I want a friend who I can talk to in reality. Meet up somewhere, sit down and have a nice chat and so forth (not to mention my standards are pretty high but I am trying to lower them). [/QUOTE] I grew up with PTSD. As a result, I was pretty socially odd because I was a kid with similar psychological damage to a war veteran. The school psychologist knew this and was outraged, but my school went right ahead and put me in a group with children with Asperger's because they get more funding for having students with these disorders (this action lead to legal consequences). While I was there, however, I was able to see what actual people with with Asperger's behaved. They are much more robotic and they repeat social memes and cartoon characters without really having much of a conversational personality at all; they pretty much spoke like a pull-string doll, or Mitt Romney when he's trying not to piss people off. They also didn't understand whether or not people liked them unless if they were directly bullied. The way you write your post and the way you observe your environment is something that people with Asperger's don't do. I have known people with Asperger's. Also, most people with Asperger's are challenged when it comes to learning languages, native and foreign. Your fear of rejection is also something that people with Asperger's don't have. Your social development is a little fucked up. I think you could almost be considered to someone with Asperger's as a sociopath is to a psychopath, although you seem to be further from Asperger syndrome than sociopathy is from psychopathy. You seemed to be more socialized by fictional characters than by actual people, so I'm sure you are socially awkward and haven't learned things that most people would have learned by your age. I hadn't either as a result of my PTSD, just not to the sam0 degreee, but I have caught up. I think you probably do have the potential to catch up socially, but it'll take a lot of work. Also, in my experience, people with Asperger's don't really have any standards at all when it comes to picking friends. As for the friendship thing, I know we can't drink or anything like that together, but I had the intention of being someone that you could get this sort of stuff off of your chest to.
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