Hey guys I just joined Facepunch and was wondering if you guys could rate my writing.
By the way im 13 so don't expect anything to great.
So anyways this is just something I wrote randomly, it is based off of a picture I got from google image-ing dark and depressing.
The air was intertwined with a deep somber that ran thick through out my blood that so ultimately consumed me, that it entombed me in a lonesome sepulcher, forever ensnaring me in anguish. The gradually dying trees reached out with there boney branches; reaching towards the sky, as if as they where slowly fading they cried out, willing to do anything for just one more moment. The dirt floor of the secluded forest slowly transitioned to soil, pebbles, and then finally to giant chunks of earth that outlined the freight track. As if it where the sky at sunset, evolving from blue to purple then to layers of orange, brown and red. The track sprawled across the land, reaching coast to coast. Reaching far and wide. The sounds of natures misfits called out, echoing through the gray forest. The smell of regret is encoated onto the air, the air that sits enlaced with the giants of the forest. You can easily taste the life of past forgotten, which now ran rampant thought the ground. Even as I sat there I could feel the presence of death itself tearing a whole through this earth, allowing the nightmares of hell enter this un-innocent world.
[editline]30th November 2013[/editline]
You can find the picture by googling dark and depressing.
It is a picture of train tracks disappearing into fog that is surrounded by forest.
yep you're definitely 13
you shouldn't be writing with a thesaurus
lol I didn't my bad if some of my wording is wrong
any suggestions on how I can correct that?
it reads like you're trying too hard
I did though I could of tried harder.
I was focused on coldplay when I wrote this
There are different types of writing for different purposes.
An extreme example is comparing poetry and a mathematical thesis paper. One has lots of emotional attachment, the other is purely factual.
There is no best way of writing, just ones that are effective for their purpose, and those that are ineffective.
first learn your basic english
like "thought i could have tried harder"
then start working on creative writing
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43023963]I did though I could of tried harder.
[/QUOTE]
You're trying way too hard which makes your paragraph sound very cliche.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43023963]I was focused on coldplay when I wrote this[/quote]
what?
Step 1: Keep everything in the same tense. You suddenly jump into present tense for no reason:
[quote]The smell of regret is encoated onto the air, the air that sits enlaced with the giants of the forest. You can easily taste the life of past forgotten, which now ran rampant thought the ground.[/quote]
Step 2: Proofread for misuse of where/were and their/there/they're. Also other homophones, like "whole" instead of hole.
Step 3: Is this English homework? And is it due in the morning? We aren't Yahoo Answers.
[QUOTE=Angus725;43023969]There are different types of writing for different purposes.
An extreme example is comparing poetry and a mathematical thesis paper. One has lots of emotional attachment, the other is purely factual.
There is no best way of writing, just ones that are effective for their purpose, and those which are ineffective.[/QUOTE]
while that is interesting I don't see what your trying to tell me
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43023980]while that is interesting I don't see what your trying to tell me[/QUOTE]
"What's the context of your writing?"
Aka, what are you writing for?
[Editline]a[/Editline]
I'm also tired as hell and should go to sleep, apologies for being ambiguous.
[QUOTE=elixwhitetail;43023974]Step 1: Keep everything in the same tense. You suddenly jump into present tense for no reason:
Step 2: Proofread for misuse of where/were and their/there/they're. Also other homophones, like "whole" instead of hole.
Step 3: Is this English homework? And is it due in the morning? We aren't Yahoo Answers.[/QUOTE]
1: I can see that now, I was just wrote it quickly.
2: Yeah I am probably the worst when it comes to grammar
3: Yes, yes sir it is
sorry i don't help people plagiarize over the net
That's all the help you'll get from me, and it's more than the spellchecker gave you.
[QUOTE=LordCrypto;43024005]sorry i don't help people plagiarize over the net[/QUOTE]
how is this plagiarized?
[editline]30th November 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=elixwhitetail;43024014]That's all the help you'll get from me, and it's more than the spellchecker gave you.[/QUOTE]
thankyou
If you're trying to go for a Lovecraft kind of vibe, read his guide to writing weird fiction.
If you're not, which I presume is the case, don't use a thesaurus.
1. Write your shit like it's the best shit in the world, and continually praise yourself.
2. Go into a full-on angry editor mode, and nitpick everything, making changes etc.
3. Rewrite and repeat
4. Polish if needed - but don't polish shit, if it sounds like shit or if there are too many big words thrown around for no apparent reason, trash it and start over
5. Read books
[QUOTE=circuitbawx;43024019]If you're trying to go for a Lovecraft kind of vibe, read his guide to writing weird fiction.
If you're not, which I presume is the case, don't use a thesaurus.
1. Write your shit like it's the best shit in the world, and continually praise yourself.
2. Go into a full-on angry editor mode, and nitpick everything, making changes etc.
3. Rewrite and repeat
4. Polish if needed - but don't polish shit, if it sounds like shit or if there are too many big words thrown around for no apparent reason, trash it and start over
5. Read books[/QUOTE]
there was no thesaurus used
are the words really that off?
From one teenage writer to another, don't use big words to sound smart. It just makes you sound dumb.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024033]there was no thesaurus used
are the words really that off?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]The smell of regret is encoated onto the air[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I could feel the presence of death itself tearing a whole through this earth, allowing the nightmares of hell enter this un-innocent world.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]intertwined with a deep somber[/QUOTE]
It sounds awkward and you're using some words incorrectly
[QUOTE=Revolver Osha;43024038]From one teenage writer to another, don't use big words to sound smart. It just makes you sound dumb.[/QUOTE]
example?
[QUOTE=Revolver Osha;43024038]From one teenage writer to another, don't use big words to sound smart. It just makes you sound dumb.[/QUOTE]
from a person who's actually been involved with multiple books
it really really makes you look dumb
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024033]there was no thesaurus used
are the words really that off?[/QUOTE]
Like I said, your paragraph is very cliche-sounding because of your word choices
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024045]example?[/QUOTE]
"The air was [B]intertwined [/B]with a deep [B]somber [/B]that ran thick through out my blood that so ultimately consumed me, that it [B]entombed [/B]me in a lonesome [B]sepulcher[/B],"
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024045]example?[/QUOTE]
it makes you look like a pretentious faggot you don't need an example for that
you don't need supposedly "educated" words to write a good paper, and often it makes it even worse if you use them incorrectly. you have a bad teacher if she only cares about length
I actually did make edits to this but I copied and pasted the wrong one, wich is why I said I did it quickly.
I especially changed the use of misfit, its just so...ew
if you think misfits is the worst word choice in that
you need to burn this and start over
[QUOTE=LordCrypto;43024053]"The air was [B]intertwined [/B]with a deep [B]somber [/B]that ran thick through out my blood that so ultimately consumed me, that it [B]entombed [/B]me in a lonesome [B]sepulcher[/B],"[/QUOTE]
those are vocab words we have to use for a grade
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024045]example?[/QUOTE]
"entombed"
"sepulcher"
who would know these words without looking them up?
[QUOTE=Blazyd;43024072]"entombed"
"sepulcher"
who would know these words without looking them up?[/QUOTE]
somebody who is in the gothic literature section of this 9 weeks and must use certain vocab words for test points
[QUOTE=Blazyd;43024072]"entombed"
"sepulcher"
who would know these words without looking them up?[/QUOTE]
Someone who's got an English assignment due in the morning and is shit at Englishing.
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