• Whats happening to my brain
    66 replies, posted
First of all, I've always had pretty ridiculous mood swings, I'll be euphoric and happy and completely satisfied with my existence, and almost instantly I can feel my brain start to self destruct. I start feeling a pulse in my head, accompanied by stomach nausea and often a pain from deep inside my skull. I start lashing out at people, and my parents are fed up. My mind starts... talking to itself (Self diagnosing, imagining arguments with people, imagining what I would say if I had to explain what I was feeling, imaging punching people in the face rapidly, maybe even killing them, maybe killing myself, and this leads to intense feelings of "Oh my god I'm so sorry everyone, but this is the end"). Sounds start attacking me, I was at Disney land with my family, and the sounds of the fireworks sounded like they were going off inside me, and every-time they went off I feel an impulse to cry. I've become way to assertive, the complete opposite of how I used to be, I will shut you down and shut you up in an instant if you dare disagree with me. I feel an intense love and appreciation for my surroundings, and then soon after I will despise every thing about this reality, my fists will clench up, i'll start biting my teeth, I'll feel a strong urge to run or smash shit, " Someone has to pay" is the feeling I get. Then suddenly its over, and as soon as I get a chance to talk to someone about it, there opinions on whats happening to me makes me fucking sick because it seems NO ONE understands whats happening, my doctors haven't been helping and my family just keep giving me the same "It's in your head" bullshit. I don't want to hear it anymore, because I actually can't live my life like this or I'm going to end up in a maximum security prison. When these episodes occur, they almost ALWAYS occur as soon as the sun goes down. I was in the back of the car driving through Sacramento, and I looked up at the moon, and suddenly an intense sadness rushed over me and I started crying. Why the fuck? I've actually started to come to terms that my brain will be the end of me and it is my enemy, I feel like I have to fight my own mind. I got so frustrated the other day over pretty much nothing that I swear I could taste and smell my own blood like my brain was frying. I never noticed how bad this was until I went a week with almost no music, or weed, or gym. I knew about this problem and not even weed fully suppressed it but it kept my temper way down which is what needs to be controlled the most. I try to focus on something else other than whats going on in my mind and what happens is I can't help but fall into...a trance? After a few seconds. I could get lost in my mind looking at anything Apparently I had a deep fascination with the moon when I was an infant, maybe that's what triggered the emotions? When I'm in a room with the sound of one of those carousel things that hang from babies cribs and play that soft music, I have to leave the room cause I start to cry. Apparently I was so tuned into it when I was a baby that I would freak the fuck out and scream and cry when it turned off? I have extremely stressful dreams that I can never remember, all I know is that it feels like I'm crying in my dreams but my body recoils in horror in my sleep, All my muscles start to stretch or contract in weird directions and I've even thrown a few knock-out blows in my sleep. When my girlfriend asks me, "What are you thinking about?" My answer every-time is I don't know. There's so much noise up there. I've gotten mouthy as fuck and I've never felt so violent in my life, and I think its only a matter of time before I beat the shit out someone or someone beats the shit out of me. When I act like this I know, even in the moment that I'm over-reacting, and the shit I start to say and do goes against my better judgment, but it doesn't matter because one way or another its coming out of me. People say my emotional spectrum is too big, people say they've never seen me this happy, but never seen me this mad, and people are going to suspect I'm going insane, and so am I.
It could be schizophrenia....
bi-polar?
you just need to find a balance and relax... too much euphoria and you'll lose it. [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] When you're overly zealous, it's easier for the little things to flip the switch. Happens to most people.. There are some things that can upset me that wouldn't bother anyone else, but crying can just be a sign that you're in awe of something too.
[QUOTE=AK'z;41611540]you just need to find a balance and relax... too much euphoria and you'll lose it. [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] When you're overly zealous, it's easier for the little things to flip the switch. Happens to most people.. There are some things that can upset me that wouldn't bother anyone else, but crying can just be a sign that you're in awe of something too.[/QUOTE] I can, and always do, but these are strong episodes that creep up on me the same way getting sick to your stomach and feeling like your about to puke creeps up on you. Its like oh god not this again, please dont let it happen again... [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] From what I've read, my symptoms are closest to that of BPD ( Borderline personality disorder ).
sounds more like a manic episode. If the bouts are really coming and going that often you have to see someone about it but you must try to understand why you feel like this. When you think random horrible things it just tells me that you've lost your train of thought. It's not nice, but it's best to confront the trigger of those feelings.
[QUOTE=AK'z;41611724]sounds more like a manic episode. If the bouts are really coming and going that often you have to see someone about it but you must try to understand why you feel like this. When you think random horrible things it just tells me that you've lost your train of thought. It's not nice, but it's best to confront the trigger of those feelings.[/QUOTE] I'm going to try harder, I want to channel this into a creative outlet, I want to make something out of it.
I can really relate to what your writing. I feel very much like this, and so far nothing except the things like soccer, music and meditation have helped me. I too am like the nicest and coolest guy you'll probably meet but the mood swings can be so painful like going through a huge vibrational rollercoaster from one end of a spectrum to another never quite staying in the point of balance. Personally i think it'¨s because more and more people are waking up to a reality we all have to change from the inside, and there is alot of shit out there to be angry about, i am just sorry its my family who have to pick me up and friends. But good luck know you are not alone. My best advice is meditation, weed and a healthy spiritual appreciation for life. even though we can't quite control it we learn something everyday. I too feel like i want to kill myself or someone else when im in that mind state where everything stops having any value and everything is darkness. I am just grateful that i have not done anything overly stupid yet, and no one have pressed the wrong buttons when i feel like that. Death is what it feels like [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] Could be that we are learning to appreciate a larger reality than what western society have been led to believe, and because it's an ongoing discovery to learn to love individually and collectively. We are pioneers [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] And also this has really been hard for me but really helpful: Love yourself, appreciate every inch and don't let anything deprive you and not yourself either, we have the power of transformation inside
[QUOTE=Kel|oggs;41611669]I can, and always do, but these are strong episodes that creep up on me the same way getting sick to your stomach and feeling like your about to puke creeps up on you. Its like oh god not this again, please dont let it happen again... [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] From what I've read, my symptoms are closest to that of BPD ( Borderline personality disorder ).[/QUOTE] How would you describe your interactions with other people?
Try and meditate a couple of times a day or week. Also try to recognize these thought patterns emerging, from there you can start accepting them and letting them flow.. thus not following them with more thoughts. It takes practice but I've been in this situation, not through drugs though but pure stress. Hold on mate =)
[QUOTE=Kel|oggs;41611669]I can, and always do, but these are strong episodes that creep up on me the same way getting sick to your stomach and feeling like your about to puke creeps up on you. Its like oh god not this again, please dont let it happen again... [editline]27th July 2013[/editline] From what I've read, my symptoms are closest to that of BPD ( Borderline personality disorder ).[/QUOTE] It doesn't really sound like BPD to me, sounds more like bi-polar. But of course they can occur simultaneously, they're just labels, and I don't have a medical degree I just read a lot.
BPD has a lot of prerequisites such as childhood abandonment, etc. It usually afflicts orphans and people that had similar experiences and is characterized by unhealthy relationships which doesnt really sound like what youre experiencing.
I wouldn't say childhood abandonment is a prerequisite more like a contributing factor.
[QUOTE=Mac2468;41619205]I wouldn't say childhood abandonment is a prerequisite more like a contributing factor.[/QUOTE] That's how it was explained to me but I'm no expert either. To wikipedia I go!
meditate dude, I went through some heavy phases where I couldn't make any sense of myself, being high 24/7 probably didn't help either. Clean up for a little bit, get into meditation, pick up a sport or hobby that can keep you a bit more focused, things will get easier
Yeah, as many have already said, it seems like the beginnings of a manic episode. It took me over almost a month to realize and accept that I was suffering from a psychiatric disorder when my mania first started. Racing thoughts, confused/nonsensical emotions and bizarre reactions which lead to regretful decisions; it wasn't a fun experience for anyone, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I'm just reiterating what has already been stated: eating well, trying to exercise on a daily basis, finding a hobby that you can really immerse yourself in are paramount to beginning the recovery process. It's almost definitely a good idea to cut down on drug use. Try and seek professional help, because therapy and counselling will help you wrap your head around the seemingly insane thoughts and feelings you're probably having. I'd also strongly advise being fairly careful about who you decide to express these feelings to. Very few people are empathetic towards mental illness, and you could very well end up with some regrets or embarrassing memories once you've recovered a bit. Over a year later, memories from my manic phases still plague me on a daily basis. Best of luck, and stay strong. It isn't going to be easy, but by taking your recovery seriously and carefully you'll come out as a stronger person in every way imaginable.
oh god the venting i'm sure i lost a few friends that way. I try to keep it self contained now and deal with it myself, but if it gets particularly bad I have a few close friends that are actually willing to listen and help me through it now thankfully. For a while though I didn't even have that. weed was my crutch, being high all day every day got me through it but it didn't actually get any better til I stopped doing that and started dealing with it properly whether or not I actually have mental illness is a bit of a toss up, this was post 3 year relationship, one which I treated as an "ideal" relationship at the time, but you know being cheated on when you have such high expectations only leads to a world of issues when it comes to any and all things self and head space related. I consider myself normal now, but for a long time I simply didn't have any techniques to deal with the issues. Therapy helped a lot, but at the end of the day it still comes down to learning how to deal with things yourself, someone can give you suggestions but until you take action nothing will change. Recognizing it is a huge step though, it took me forever to realize what I was doing wrong [editline]28th July 2013[/editline] also try not to self diagnose yourself, that will lead to more issues as you convince yourself you have this or that, adopting certain expectations of your own headspace in a way can actually be self fulfilling, i've been through all that shit and it's really more trouble than it's worth. If you want someone to vent too feel free to hit me up, i'll always listen and drop advice where applicable, nothing worse than feeling alone through all that shit
[QUOTE=BurningPlayd0h;41618814]BPD has a lot of prerequisites such as childhood abandonment, etc. It usually afflicts orphans and people that had similar experiences and is characterized by unhealthy relationships which doesnt really sound like what youre experiencing.[/QUOTE] My very basic understanding is that it's unlikely to be solely caused by environmental factors. It's (like schizophrenia) regulated with dopamine in the brain, and I am sure some people will be more genetically susceptible and that there are people with a perfectly good childhood with bi-polar.
BPD is borderline personality disorder not bi-polar.
Ah I see. I thought we were still discussing that. Sorta makes sense that bi-polar disorder would be BPD though you must admit.
I have stopped taking 5-htp as of 3 days ago, and I'm tired and hungry as fuck, but I'm didn't have an episode today! Which is a huge relief, I'm starting to think the excess serotonin played a big part in the craziness. I'm going to see how I am without it for a while and see if anything changes. I don't plan on taking them again. I'm worried because i felt like my emotianal depth was slipping away today, and I'm worried I'm going to return to my quiet docile self again. Before 5-htp, I would want to say or do something but my brain would say "Nah bro, whats the point". Unmotivated.. I'm just taking Ginko Biloba and Omega 3's right now. I might keep using St.Johns wort. (Yes I was using this in concoction with 5-hydroxy)
when I was on SSRI's for a short while I felt really serotogenic (my way of describing the sense of higher serotonin levels, has a distinct sort of feeling to it similar to what a low dose of MDMA gives me) and at times i'd end up pretty manic and out of control of myself, like my mind was on autopilot and even if I was mindful I wasn't actually making choices for my self so to speak. I'm not sure how 5-HTP relates but if it also increases serotonin levels it's certainly possible that higher levels especially in combination with whatever else is going on could trigger those kind of episodes, just depends on your brain chemistry I suppose As far as your quiet docile self, there's things you can do in terms of cognitive techniques to bring yourself out of that, mostly finding a hobby/passion helps hugely. Other things that could help, having a girlfriend, drinking coffee, lots of sugar (but not too much), having a job (disposable income is a nice feeling) and generally just staying off pot, using it only once in a while. Stay sober for up to a month and you will notice a huge world of difference as you learn to deal with your mind, usually that's enough to keep you pushing forward As far as emotions go, let yourself feel your emotions, don't fight them by thinking about them and trying to understand them and don't distract yourself from them with the usual methods. That only serves to cause more anguish. Thoughts are to be thought, feelings are to be felt. I barely ever felt real emotion until I realized that, always used to feel shallow/hollow and emotionally disconnected from everything until I took up meditation, honestly, but surprise surprise the only way I was able to feel them outside of that was with serotonin releasing drugs like MDMA/MDA, after which I tried to integrate that into my day to day life... I guess it's kinda worked, i'm far more capable of empathizing and actually feeling my own emotions now You could also like to look into chamomile tea to keep you calm and collected, it's quite nice and tranquil and goes great with almost everything, also seems to add a positive spin to any mood i'm in
This threat is so relevant to me that I don't even know what to post. I thought that I might be experiencing episodes of mania and depression, although not so severe as what you've described Kellogs.
uh let's face it anyone who feels joyous about this world is a fucking idiot
Dreams of getting lost/falling are back it seems.
[QUOTE=MonkeyMan44;41648441]uh let's face it anyone who feels joyous about this world is a fucking idiot[/QUOTE] Dude are you kidding, life has the potential to be fucking awesome.
life IS fucking awesome, you just fail to see it when you're too caught up thinking about problems [editline]30th July 2013[/editline] but sadly I know how difficult it is to get out that kind of mind frame, let alone if you suffer actual mental illness. Depression itself is a cunt that a huge amount of people can't relate too
5HTP metabolises into 5HT(serotonin) but can go through the blood brain barrier. It essentially increases your serotonin reserves and is sometimes used before and after MDMA for this very reason.
This sounds a lot more like bi-polar manic episodes to me than BPD, because I've been clinically diagnosed with severe depression and BPD; while my relationships with people are often difficult it's more because of internalized feelings towards that person changing widely day-to-day, one minute I'll be absolutely content to be around someone and then I'd want them strung up by their neck with their intestines when they've pissed me off the slightest. It's usually methodical, logical thought poisoning the well in the case of BPD, I'm not frantic or manic or anything because I don't externalize these things usually because I'm very very detached which is why I fall under a psychopathic personality category. I have no 'episodes' (which is not always hand-in-hand with psychopathy or psychopathic disorders), so it's possibly incredibly severe bi-polarity possibly combined with a really really severe anxiety disorder that's conditioned into you. You should talk to a professional and seek help, possibly medication. I had a friend who for a long time had some serious episodes and he had to be put on lithium; it's in severe cases like these where people are a real danger to themselves and others when they don't get the proper mental health care they need.
[QUOTE=Consciousness;41649275]life IS fucking awesome, you just fail to see it when you're too caught up thinking about problems [editline]30th July 2013[/editline] but sadly I know how difficult it is to get out that kind of mind frame, let alone if you suffer actual mental illness. Depression itself is a cunt that a huge amount of people can't relate too[/QUOTE] Life is only awesome if you can share it with people. I haven't been able to connect with anybody my whole life. I feel like an alien a lot of the time.
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