• I need some constructed criticism.
    7 replies, posted
A short story I wrote off the top of my head. [QUOTE]My city was dying, yet I didn't care. They warned us. Demonic legions amassing in the bleak, cursed undercities. Rising up to lay waste to the "sky gazers" above. Yet I still remained apathetic. Why? Why care for the shell of the turtle. The true body rotted in the sun? This city was a mother to me. I it's daughter. Until the L.A.W came down on the city's children. We ran, we fought, we hid. Yet they still destroyed us in hushed operations. The L.A.W caused me to be apathetic. Mass death and cruelty did as well. I remained thoughout this. The L.A.W's final operation was to occur. Sardonically, the demons created the fissures and spat hell onto all. The fissure assaults were like riots springing from the floors of the city. Hellfire belched from the sulfer reeking holes, melting building and being alike. Panic became a tangible force. I was in a alleyway, evading L.A.W death squads. A massive demon with a jagged blade came down on my pursuer's heads. Grey matter and various gore painted the nearby walls. In sheer terror I fled, screaming. My heart battered my sternum, my legs radiated pain. My feet still failed me. The demon noticed, and made a lunge for me. The strike tore my lower spine into bloody fragments of flesh and bone. Pain almost took me. Mercy was not in my favor. With my lower body lame and my mind about to shatter from facing my untimely demise, I closed my eyes and waited to be wiped from reality. This didn't come. He came gliding, no, dashing through the hellish cityscape that was my home. His sleek wings and assault rife gleamed in the blazing fires belows. With the skill of a battle weary assassin and effieciency of finely oiled cogs, he laid waste to demon and L.A.W alike. Like a guardian of the city, his glance saw my broken from. I imagined him to be more eloquent, having the stance and abilities of a guardian. He spat out a less then heroic sentence. "You giant red bastard, fuck off right to the hole you were shat out of!" The words shocked me. Is this winged man another murder-lusting demon or bitter hero? The "hero" charged my agressor. With pinpoint accuracy, the demon was no more... or in one piece. Laying down in a thick pool of demon ichor, the winged man landed three feet away from me. This guardian wasn't a man. He was a demon as well! Grey-skinned, jet black hair, violet eyes, and a inhumanly lithe body. His violet eyes stared at me. I could tell he was analyzing and studyig my condition. "Wow, you couldn't even do me the favor to not get yourself majorly fucked up?" My mouth was agape, this cannot be a hero. What hero acts so callous towards a injured woman of all people? Rage was building inside me. "Are you here to put me down or be the hero this city needs" I slammed my fist down. "First, don't get pissy. I don't need or feel like wasting you. Second, hero is a very subjective term with my morals." "Then save me you wannabe edgy tough guy!" "Hearing some edge to your words lady, that's nice." As I was about to berate this fool in front of me, hudreds of demon foot soliders came like a crismson wave down the alleyway. Hurling harsh sounding insults, they picked up their pace to murder the "hero" and me. "Bugger me blue, we're getting out of this fucked place." The "hero" holsted his rife, grabbed my waist brashly, cradled me like a mewling child, and fired his body into the smoke laden air.[/QUOTE] Can anybody tell me how to fix my fuck-ups before I feel lost and depressed again?
Juvenile/uninspired/undescriptive/lacking any sort of foundation or atmosphere/badly formatted/inconsistent use of tenses/poor spelling and punctuation/horrendously awful dialogue (not to mention the theme)
It was okay until the dialogue started.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with the above comments. The poor grammar and sentence structure made it very awkward to read.
[QUOTE=MakoSkyDub;36549105]Juvenile/uninspired/undescriptive/lacking any sort of foundation or atmosphere/badly formatted/inconsistent use of tenses/poor spelling and punctuation/horrendously awful dialogue (not to mention the theme)[/QUOTE] FUCK ME. Please tell me how to fix this.
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/X8sJV.png[/IMG] I made this over a year ago and you reminded me of this.
[QUOTE=axelord157;36559804]FUCK ME. Please tell me how to fix this.[/QUOTE] Scrap it and read books. I don't think you're [i]completely[/i] lacking in instincts, but you're nowhere near the point at which you can write. Advice probably wouldn't even be useful at this stage, just read.
Well first, plot out your story in bullet points so you know where you're going with it. The dialogue needs the most work - it would not be out of place in some weird role playing forum. Here's two good articles to look at: [url]http://homeworktips.about.com/od/writingrules/a/Writing-Story-Dialogue.htm[/url] [url]http://www.ehow.com/how_4591969_write-setting-story.html[/url] [editline].[/editline] And as stated above, read short stories like no one's business. Anton Pavlovich is a great author to learn from.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.