post one liners,pictures, long jokes or observations on life that are humorous. Quotations if they are not yours
(from the comedy roadshow)
" i sat in traffic today, got run over"
"no, you are looking at a very proud canadian, who's very proud of the education system in [B]canadia[/B], i think it's the goodest of all 17 countries"
"i failed maths so many times i cant even count"
"i remember one time that all the kids had got a skateboard. But when i asked my parents for one they told me i was too poor. so one night i got up and got a hammer and a board- and i beat them to death"
"i remember one time i went to the bookstore and said to the woman there "i am looking for a book titled "how to deal with rejection without killing"---- do you have it?""
Do share :)
I got the titanic OST on my iPod
It's syncing now.
what's brown and sticky?
a stick
Woman's rights
Mariah Carey's husband has revealed their twins were born to the sound of applause. I do'’t think that noise was hands clapping together.
[editline]30th September 2011[/editline]
Chaz Bono (Cher’s son who had a sex change) has been defended against bullies by his mum. And they say he isn’t a real man.
We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of Jack. Upon reciving the glass, the man drinks it very quickly and asks for another. Stunned the bar tender gets him another and he downs it just as quick and asks for a third. The bar tender asks as the man downs his drink.
"Is there a special event that is making you drink so much?"
"Yes." The man replies. "I just had my very first blow job today."
"Congrats!" says the bar tender and pours another glass. "This one is on the house."
The man replies "No thanks, if three won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
[QUOTE=lolz3;32557186]A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of Jack. Upon reciving the glass, the man drinks it very quickly and asks for another. Stunned the bar tender gets him another and he downs it just as quick and asks for a third. The bar tender asks as the man downs his drink.
"Is there a special event that is making you drink so much?"
"Yes." The man replies. "I just had my very first blow job today."
"Congrats!" says the bar tender and pours another glass. "This one is on the house."
The man replies "No thanks, if three won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."[/QUOTE]
That's from Explosm, ain't it?
[QUOTE=Cone;32557205]That's from Explosm, ain't it?[/QUOTE]
Heard it from my neighbour.
Islam, Religion of Peace.
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Good god... my 1000th post.
Last time I posted a joke I got banned for a month
You know when you put your ear on a sea shell and you hear the sound of the sea? Well did you know that when you put your ear on some homeless guys leg, you can hear someone say "What the FUCK are you doing?"
Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev, Leonid Brezhnev, Gorbachev and Yeltsin are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front". But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!". Gorbachev then states "We were going the wrong way!" and changes the direction of the locomotive. Yeltsin then rides the train off the rails and through a field.
A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism has ruined his marriage.
My friend is in love with two school bags. He's a bisatchel.
Here's a dirty joke.
A white horse fell in the mud.
This joke is kind of dark, but oh well.
A serial killer and a child were walking in the woods at night. The child looked up at the man and said "I'm scared".
"How do you think I feel?" replied the man. "I have to walk back out of here alone."
[QUOTE=Snake7;32559248]This joke is kind of [b]dark[/b], but oh well.
A serial killer and a child were walking in the woods at [b]night[/b]. The child looked up at the man and said "I'm scared".
"How do you think I feel?" replied the man. "I have to walk back out of here alone."[/QUOTE]
heh
What do fat women and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride but you wouldn't let your mates see you on one :v:
A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?" "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?" "Ah, it feels just like home - either the shit doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender
[sp]An erection[/sp]
Why did the child drop his ice cream
he was hit by a bus :(
When NASA first started sending astronauts in space, they discovered that ball point pens didn’t work in zero gravity. They spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that would write in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on any surface and tempatures that reached 300 degrees below zero. The Russians used a pencil.
What's the difference between a baby and a pizza
[sp]You don't cum on a pizza before you eat it[/sp]
An American, a Hindu and a Russian land in Purgatory. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium sheets. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." "Thank you, but only after I see how this one makes it out of this.", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. "Your call." The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?" "With the Hindu, of course."
[QUOTE=The Jack;32554975]post one liners,pictures, long jokes or observations on life that are humorous. Quotations if they are not yours
(from the comedy roadshow)
" i sat in traffic today, got run over"
"no, you are looking at a very proud canadian, who's very proud of the education system in [B]canadia[/B], i think it's the goodest of all 17 countries"
"i failed maths so many times i cant even count"
"i remember one time that all the kids had got a skateboard. But when i asked my parents for one they told me i was too poor. so one night i got up and got a hammer and a board- and i beat them to death"
"i remember one time i went to the bookstore and said to the woman there "i am looking for a book titled "how to deal with rejection without killing"---- do you have it?""[/QUOTE]
aye stewart francis is cool
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that
There's a joke that I can't be bothered to type out but the punchline is that someone's been sick outside and all the chunks have been taken.
She was only a road layer's daughter, but she liked her asphalt.
She was only an undertaker's daughter, but she'd always bury a stiff.
She was only a fishmonger's daughter, but she'd jump on the slab and say "fillet."
She was only the Communist's daughter, but everyone got his fair share.
Political opinions.
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