The Vampire Hunting Guide or How to Survive if Confronted by a Blood-Sucking Cretin
27 replies, posted
Ah! What's that? There, in the shadows? Oh, it's just the neighbor's cat peeing on a stone. Still, what if it [I]had[/I] been a vampire? Are you prepared? Are you ready? Are you, perhaps, disillusioned about the power of a [I]real[/I] vampire because of certain series of fangirl-fuel?
No worries, dearies, Aunt Muffin will get you ready with the theory on the rare occasion that you have to put your knowledge to the test.
Now, [B]what is a vampire?[/B]
This is a vampire:
[img]http://hocuspoc.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/vampire.jpg[/img]
Note the lovely (and scantily-clad) young woman at his mercy/disposal, neck exposed; the long, sharp canine teeth; and the dead, but not yet rotting, flesh. Elf ears are optional.
This is a vampire
[img]http://anthropology.berkeley.edu/briggs/healthandmediaweb/news/Vampire%20Bat%201.jpg[/img]
bat. Might be a vampire in disguise, though, so try to get it out as soon as possible. You'd want a bat out of your house anyways, but this one could have rabies [I]and[/I] suck your blood. Not good.
This
[img]http://i203.photobucket.com/albums/aa249/illpic/Vampire10.gif[/img]
is a joke. An absolute joke. Vampires may have glowing red eyes, but there's no way they'd have food dribbling down their face like a toddler that hasn't quite mastered the idea that food's supposed to stay [I]in[/I] the mouth instead of around it. Look at that chest. That may be paranormal, but it's not a vampire's chest (explained later in this article). They may wear clothes like that, but probably not in that fashion (i.e. without any fashion). They also don't sparkle. They are hurt by religious symbols, so even the dimmest of lackwits would say it's rather counter-productive to stick one on a vampire (actually, that would be quite good for us, but if you were said vampire...).
[B]Yes, but what [I]are[/I] vampires?[/B]
They do not sparkle. They will kill you and bring you back as a servant to be their slave for all eternity. Might be good if you're female and like being sexed up, but not so much if you're male unless you have a strange female vampire on your hands (as they maintain "dignity"). Do not try to actively confront a vampire unless you like being the stupid girl in the horror films.
Generally, if you show a good understanding of how to keep the vampire from you, they will desist and try to find an easier (and sexier) target. If you are a particularly sexy female, I'd advise you to give in to the dark urges and join.
If you join while the vampire gives you a chance, you will not be his/her slave. Male vampires generally settle down if they find a willing female and have little vampire babies with their vampire wife. Be prepared for a whiny, petulant, obsessive husband; it'd be like marrying a rich, old guy except he never dies. You can probably still cheat, though.
I don't think that, if you are confronted by a vampire, you can exploit this by immediately giving in or saying you want to be a vampire because the vampire his-/herself has to give you the opportunity. You can still try, though.
There are [B]several types of vampires[/B], including but not limited to:
[U]Old-fashioned[/U]-easiest, funnest, and classiest
[U]"Innovative" ones[/U] with "ideas"-these are generally beat down by other, old-fashioned vampires, but if you're confronted you're pretty much screwed. They are [I]supposed[/I] to have been old-fashioned at first, but if you go far enough you're in a very dangerous position of becoming a Sparklie. However, not all ideas they come up with are bad; see Body>Craving for Human Blood>Innovative for example
Sparklies-don't even worry about these. Really. It includes "Twilight" vampires and sometimes the Innovative ones if they're in another dumb novel about a shallow protagonist who falls in love with one of the vampires and is somehow able to "retain [their] humanity". Usually set in a big city and the vampires have a very gang-esque feeling (i.e. gangraping a human to "feed")
They all (I'm just excluding the Sparklies from now one, they just- don't really- no.) have the [B]basic body structure[/B] with a few differences.
[B]Fangs[/B]-They're said to either be hollow in order to suck the blood after penetration of the vessel, or (and I think this one is more likely) tools to poke a hole into the blood vessel in order to leech the blood from it.
On:
[U]Old-fashioned[/U], these are very noticeable, especially as they probably smile a lot.
[U]"Innovative" ones[/U], the "media" says they're retractable. They might also not smile in the very likely occurrence that their teeth do not act like a cat's claws. There is not even any muscles in the gums.
[B]Super-human strength and other various powers[/B]-I think even the Sparklies have this, as this is one of the more dominant traits of a vampire. They will not, however, use it to give teenagers piggy-back rides (Awwww, I know). It is said to include incredible strength, fast-as-lightning speed, the ability to fly, the ability to see thoughts and manipulate them, shapeshifting (into animals, gases, and other convenient things), and other various powers.
[U]Old-fashioned[/U], they use it to be a sportsman (hopefully) and mess around, not giving away their full powers. They're just a bunch of buggers like that.
[U]"Innovative" ones[/U], you wish they didn't use their full speed/strength on you. Just try to get away from them as soon as possible. The old habit of playing with their food will hopefully shine through for enough time for you to get away. Use your interesting habits and maybe they'll name you and keep you as a pet.
[B]Unnatural beauty[/B]-They will be pale, I swear it, as they are dead; unless you've got a Sparklie on your hands and then I can't really help you in that matter. Perfect features, even the ones that have turned, especially if it was of their own free will. Just unnervingly beautiful, like a pretty snake, so you can have a nice sight before you die/are made a slave for eternity.
[U]Old-fashioned[/U], yes, very much so. The women are beautiful, the men are handsome, and they have great bodies if you can get past the fact that they're dead.
[U]"Innovative" ones[/U]: having ideas does not make you ugly.
Sparklies? Don't even ask.
[B]Craving for human blood[/B]-Some studies have shown that it is in fact the hemoglobin in human blood that makes vampires hunger for it. However, people across the country have claimed that it is just extreme craving that a vampire must have, and that if that craving can be redirected to say, coffee or playing video games, they will be able to survive, as they are dead.
[U]Old-fashioned[/U], don't really need to say.
[U]"Innovative" ones[/U], this is where the ideas get good. There is supposedly a secret society for vampires that have sworn off of blood and have instead directed their cravings at another activity/substance. However, and this may not be accurate, a little birdie told me that when deprived of this substitute, the vampires experience withdrawal symptoms similar to that of a vampire without blood and start to revert to pre-redirection treatment. There are, now, I think, maybe, perhaps, probably not because I just heard this in a pub somewhere, that has long since gone because it burned down even the address is gone because it's just so gone, that people are attempting to raise vampires from birth that crave another substance and putting them through stress to see if it really is in the genes.
All of these, however, can be hidden within a clever guise because they're magic. Let's just hope you're confronted with an old-fashioned one, if any.
[B]But what if I have successfully identified a vampire? What then?[/B]
Well then buddy boy, use these:
(pictures of objects included to help you remember)
[B]Garlic[/B]: Many things have garlic, and many vampires have varying allergies to it. As much as a pizza slice or a bite of spaghetti might work for some, but for others sometimes you have to have a clove and that might not work even then.
[img]http://tippinthescales.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/garlic.jpg[/img]
[img]http://www.vuatkerala.org/static/eng/advisory/agri/vegetables/garlic/images/garlic_tight%5B1%5D.jpg[/img]
Find some garlic powder on the spice rack
[B]Lemons[/B]: Not only are they a delicious treat, but you can scare off a vampire! It has not been proven whether you need to actually cut the lemon and expose the citric acid to the vampire, but if confronted with one I'd sure as heck take a bite out of the skin to save my own. Experts argue over whether it's the citric acid or another thing in the lemon. If you can't find this, try another citrus fruit and tell me if you survive. :)
[img]http://beautifullyused.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/lemon.jpeg[/img]
[img]http://www.nataliedee.com/012607/paid-for-by-lemon-growers-to-foster-lemon-awareness.jpg[/img]
Yes they are, and they can be found in the fridge or if you're very posh, in a pretty bowl on the counter
[B]The old Rice Bag Trick[/B]: Throw this one the ground. The vampire will stop chasing you and must stop and count every grain. I've heard it works for other small objects, like sugar or dog/cat food, but rice is your best bet.
[img]http://www.export-forum.com/asia/images/3344-vietnam_rice_50kg_PP_bag.jpg[/img]
[img]http://www.thebridgesofhope.com/donate/images/rice.jpg[/img]
If you can't find this, try to improvise
[B]Steal his sock[/B]: If you're creeping up on a vampire and actually hunting it, steal its sock and they will go mad trying to find it
[img]http://savvytraveler.publicradio.org/show/marketplace/images/theif.gif[/img]
[img]http://www.bikesomewhere.com/images/large/gi-sock-wool-bkgy.jpg[/img]
Ha ha, where is your sock now?
[B]Religious symbols[/B]: Things like crosses, holy water, whatever. Pretty much anything is a religious symbol somewhere. No one knows why they don't like them, maybe they're like [most of] the rest of the world and don't like going to church.
[img]http://academic.evergreen.edu/w/whesha05/ETOforSteve/RCP%202009/_vector-religious-symbols-set1-preview-by-dragonart.png[/img]
[img]http://www.dreamstime.com/religion-symbols-religious-thumb1139037.jpg[/img]
Print it out and make a sticker, put it on your neck, you're set
Make something into a cross, draw a yin-yang and stand in it, do something to make one to keep the vampire away
[B]Sunlight[/B]: Wait for dawn, bring a bright flashlight to blind them like a basement-dweller, just try to survive till then. See fun facts for more info.
[img]http://devoted2jesus.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/sunlight1.jpg[/img]
[media]http://www.kidsforsavingearth.org/images/solar_power_files/sun1copy15.jpg[/media]
Ha ha vampire, now there's more than one sun!
They can also build up a resistance to these things, but they are still vampires so watch out for a moment of weakness to strike.
[B]Buh what do I do if I'm confronted by one?[/B]
You are pretty much screwed, even with this guide. I would advise leaving the vampire to an experienced hunter and trying to get its attention somewhere else so you can cower in your house. They cannot, I repeat, [B]they cannot get in if you don't invite them[/B]. Someone else can, however, so watch out if you're having a party.
You remember that one video for the home security system? It's like that creepy guy. Here:
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKI4t5MFG1E[/media]
This guy was probably a vampire. Good thing she installed [del]Brink's Home Security[/del] Brink's Home Security is now Broadview Home Security. The next generation of preventing weird guys from stealing your crap.
[B]Fun facts:[/B]
They come back after dying. Yeah. Even after you cut off the head, stuck a stake in the heart, put a lemon/clove of garlic in the mouth and sewed it shut, did everything you could, they're coming back eventually. Let's just hope you're dead by that time. Let's also hope Sparklies don't retain this trait.
After the inevitable crumbling to dust/ashes scene, don't go home just yet. A single drop of blood is all that's needed to revive them. So yeah, get ready for a crappy sequel to your B-rate horror film.
They don't exist. :colbert:
Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
Pepperspray and tasers.
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
Nop, if you meet one, you're pretty much dead.
Very insightful and comprehensive.
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
run away before its too late?
should be easy to spot them, its like they have a cloud over their head.
[QUOTE=UnidentifiedFlyingTard;19228540]run away before its too late?
should be easy to spot them, its like they have a cloud over their head.[/QUOTE]
Wear an Edward Cullen mask and hope they only rape you
What if you encounter a pirate cyborg vampire?
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
shotgun
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
Bullet to their brain.
Only way to be sure.
[img]http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/mosquito6a.jpg[/img]
A vampire.
Edgar is Not Real vamPire he is just a fake vampire he is on televison show it call "twiligh"movies and books but he not real
there is a vampires that is real but i have only ceen about 1 or to in my experienses
Oh my god I want to play Vampire Slayer now.
[QUOTE=NintendoKain;19228523]Do you have any tips on confronting a Twilight fan?[/QUOTE]
Kick them in the face.
You guys do know that vampires don't exist, right?:Dawkins102:
what if the sparkly vampire throws glitter in my eyes?
[img]http://moviesmedia.ign.com/movies/image/blade-trinity_snipes.jpg[/img]
I Think this guy could protect me. Maybe. i dunno
Too late, it seems as though I'm already [I]Vampired[/I] har har
You left out that an easy way to find them is to look for them sparkling.
Too bad they're fake. As in not real. Get over it.
[QUOTE=Uncle_Earl;19231475]what if the sparkly vampire throws glitter in my eyes?[/QUOTE]
Essentially you just got jizzed on by the vampire.
Too bad there can never be a vampire, the moon REFLECTS the light from the sun.
CHECKMATE!
Nice thread. Entertaining and all that. Also, I never heard of the having to count the grain thing.
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