If you ever get asked by someone to tell a joke, what is the sure fired one you know how to execute?
What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One is a spineless, poisonous blob; the other is a form of sea life
There's these two A-roads in a bar having a drink. A country lane joins them and a high street, they're swapping stories and having a laugh when some red tarmac comes over and asks to join. Everyone hides under the table or ignores him until he leaves to sit by himself. Country lane says "why'd you all ignore that guy? He seemed nice". High street says "he's not, he's a Cyclepath".
"So I'm balls deep in this autistic chick and all of a sudden she goes 'WOLOLOLOOO' and I'm like, did I break something?"
Was asked to say it on skype once and redid it on snap another time
Two balloons are floating in the desert. One says to the other, "[B]Watch out for the the cactusssssssssssssssss[/B]ssssssssssssssssssssssssss...."
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One scientist said "I'll have H2O"
The other said "I'll have H2O too"
The second one died due to hydrogen peroxide poisoning
Obi-Wan Kenobi enters the restroom in the Jedi temple. Three of the stalls are already occupied.
He uses the fourth.
A man walks into a bar. He sees two men sitting at table in the back, taking turns at listing off numbers. [I]"25"[/I] one of them says, and they both laugh. [I]"45!"[/I] says the other, and they both laugh even harder. After a while one of them looks at the other and says [I]"[B]129![/B]"[/I] and they both laugh so hard that they fall down from their chairs.
The man now walks over to the two other men and asks why they're laughing at numbers. One of them answers, [I]"See, we have told these jokes so many times that we know them by heart - to save time telling them we've given them individual numbers"[/I]. The man now asks [I]"But why then did you laugh to hard at the last one?"[/I]
The other man answers [I]"Well, I hadn't heard that one before."[/I]
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Most of my jokes involve getting a celebrity's name wrong, either on purpose or accident. Neil Patrick Stewart, Drew Carey in truman show, steve grohl, mel brooks rubbing his hands together muttering "jews" under his breath, that sort of thing.
My life.
Alternatively: Two peanuts were walking through Prospect Park. One was assaulted/a salted.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a mop."
A Roman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus"
The bartender replies, "Don't you mean a martin[I]i?"[/I]
The Roman answers, "I only want one"
I don't give people jokes. I give people extremely stupid "what would you do?" questions that have no bearing on anything that would ever happen in real life. I tout them as "personal questions" every time.
"I got a personal question. How would you respond if Bruce Willis kicked you in the butt so hard that your skeleton shot straight up but your skin stayed in place. How would you respond to this?" A [i]lot[/i] of them have to do with Bruce Willis. I talk about him more than anyone else.
[QUOTE=Booker K;52279481]Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput![/QUOTE]
My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Awful!
I've got a few.
Any time someone states that 'x' causes cancer I say: "Everything causes cancer now except for the icebergs, and they're fucking melting."
There's a Fijian NRL player named Semi Radradra, and every time I hear his name I say "The player so nice they named him two and a half times."
I'm sure there are more, I've got a pretty crappy brain.
I went into a bar and asked the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a picture of my wife naked.
What do you call a good train movie?
entertrainment
[QUOTE=Samiam22;52279743]A Roman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus"
The bartender replies, "Don't you mean a martin[I]i?"[/I]
The Roman answers, "I only want one"[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of another joke:
A roman walks into a bar, makes this sign to the bartender
[IMG]https://www.spreadshirt.com/image-server/v1/designs/13102892,width=178,height=178/peace-sign-hand.png[/IMG]
and says "Give me five beers"
Why did the door scream?
Somebody twisted his knob
A man at the bar says, "Buy me a drink, and I'll jump out of this window, fall 20 stories and survive." A lady goes, "Ha, no way." And buys him a drink. The man proceeds to down his drink, and he leaps out the window. A few moments later he returns unharmed.
"Wow, that's amazing!" Exclaims the lady. The man responds, "Here, I'll do it again!" So she buys him another drink, he downs it, leaps out the window once more and again returns unharmed. The lady marvels at this trick and asks how he does it. The man tells her it's all in the drink. So she buys a drink, downs it, leaps out the window and dies.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're an asshole, Superman."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a drink, the next half a drink, the next a fourth, and so on.
The bartender eventually realizes what is going on, stops them and hands them all 2 drinks and says "you should know your limits"
How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
....That was a trick question. Feminists can't change anything!
When God created woman, she had not two breasts but three,
The middle one got in the way, so God performed surgery,
The woman stood before God, with the middle breast in hand,
She said "What do we do with the useless boob?" And God created man.
One of my favorite "crude jokes" is usually the ice breaker to see how far I can push the jokes.
"What do the cannibals not eat on vegetables?"
[sp]The Wheelchair[/sp]
My brother told me this one a while ago, now it's my go-to:
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
"...Is it R?"
You'd think so, but really his heart belongs to the C.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
