The Crying Man: short story. - General

I wrote a short story entitled "The Crying Man" some time ago, and it's just been gathering dust. That's no fun for me. This story wouldn't turn any heads in a room full of people who like to conclude every passage by asking themselves, "what do you think the writer is trying to say about the world with this story," but that stuff doesn't much concern me. I just like telling a story. Hopefully you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Please, give this a shot and tell me what you think of it. Tips on improving my writing style are always appreciated! Redundant Disclaimer: "The Crying Man" is not an intellectually compelling piece, meant to make you question yourself and the world you live in. It's just a fun story based around a stupidly violent encounter. Enjoy: [url="https://docs.google.com/document/d/17GLnlz4SMWUGCkFwBXJRF506QAM3mxLOh82GWI0qD3U/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLfA-5AH"]"[b]The Crying Man[/b]" (Link)[/url]

That was great. The story was really enjoyable to read. The scenes were also very well described. So much to the point that I could vividly imagine the happenings. However, there was one part that slightly broke my immersion. I don't know if it's a problem with me or simply choice of words. It felt strange that among the quality descriptions, there was this line: "His bluejeans, now black with wetness," I don't know why, but wetness feels slightly comical for me, which didn't suit the atmosphere played out in the story. I would suggest changing it to "now rain soaked black". Other than that, I enjoyed everything.

Wow. I honestly really enjoyed that. However: "i said...identification, sir... not cooperate", should it be "now cooperate" or did i misread the dialogue? There are some other minor grammatical mistakes which I could point out for you if you'd like. But seriously, that was a really great read. I can't help but think you've read yourself some copious amounts of Stephen King haha.

You misread the dialogue. We weren't supposed to completely understand what he said. Most of what he said was blocked by the sound of the rain and thunders.

pretty good. you're a good writer - i can't say i see many prose writers online who have found the balance between completely neglecting detail and imagery and going overboard with it. i don't really have much critique for you (mostly nitpicking here), but maybe you could give a bit more description of the other characters, like dumass? at one point you start talking about pfc jones and develop his character a bit, but hardly talk about any of the other characters until you show them an hero. [del]i couldn't really tell why you focused on jones above everyone else - there didn't seem to be any reason his death was more significant than the others.[/del] now that i look at it again i suppose it makes sense, but maybe put a little less emphasis on him? also: "He was seven feet tall if he was an inch..." went over my head. worded strangely. also also, "fall into those eyes" and "eyes like holes" in the second to last paragraph sounded kind of weak and awkward. maybe use a stronger word than "fall"? also, the grief/hopelessness turning from a "wave" into a "wall" struck me as awkward. i hope i'm not nitpicking too much - i think you could make the end of the story a bit more powerful to convey the feelings the main character is experiencing.

Some good advice, thanks! I can see how the areas you're talking about could do with some strengthening, and I'll patch those up once I get back to the computer. And yeah, you can definitely tell that this was King-inspired. I've been trying to find my voice as a writer, and have been going through a bunch a bunch of different writing styles to figure out where I stand. This was during my King-Inspired phase, haha.

Ok, here's my feedback. I'm no expert when it comes to writing style (as you probably guessed), so I'll mainly stick to talking about the plot. Well, one stylistic thing: I don't like how you put the crow's "speech" seperated out from the paragraphs. It makes the paragraphing feel kind of off to me. But that's possibly just my personal preference there. Hmmm, no physical desctiption of our protagonist. This is done a lot, but sometimes writers decide to randomly throw in details that make me suddenly have to change the image I've constructed in my head. Another personal preference, but I generally prefer at least some kind of basic description. --Please disregard the above paragraph if you so wish-- I don't get why nobody thinks to shoot the crying man, especially Taylor. He hadn't yet been, uh, "got" by the guy. And they're all soldiers aren't they? You'd think one of them would think of that. It seems to be a potential flaw in the plot to me. Unless I'm not getting something? Dumass' behaviour is also a bit unrealistic.. Well, melodramatic would be a better term. I mean, screaming to the sky? Why would he decide to look up at the sky? [editline]17th November 2010[/editline] Not to be all negative, this was an amazing story! Your writing is superb, and I really got hooked into it. I haven't come across many pieces of writing on the internet that can achieve the right feeling when it comes to describing disgusting violence, but you did it great. Very chilling. Serious question- have you ever got anything of yours published? Judging by this, I reckon you could.

[QUOTE=Dude Meister;26121432]Ok, here's my feedback. I'm no expert when it comes to writing style (as you probably guessed), so I'll mainly stick to talking about the plot. Well, one stylistic thing: I don't like how you put the crow's "speech" seperated out from the paragraphs. It makes the paragraphing feel kind of off to me. But that's possibly just my personal preference there. Hmmm, no physical desctiption of our protagonist. This is done a lot, but sometimes writers decide to randomly throw in details that make me suddenly have to change the image I've constructed in my head. Another personal preference, but I generally prefer at least some kind of basic description. --Please disregard the above paragraph if you so wish--[/QUOTE] not trying to defend his writing, but describing in detail what a character looks like isn't that necessary. american's style avoids adding too much unnecessary imagery - if we were reading the writing of someone who focused on tons of flowery descriptions of everything visible in a particular scene, it would make sense, but american's story is a bit faster paced than that, and letting us know what color of hair taylor has would make the story drag out. trivial details like hair/eye color, hair style, etc aren't ever really necessary. they don't tell us anything about a character.

Yeah, I really hate it when people go into tons of trivial detail like you said. But it can be important sometimes to know certain things sometimes, although admitedly not in this case. Hence my saying that paragraph can just be disregarded. I wasn't trying to criticize American's writing here, it was more my general thoughts. Not amazingly helpful I guess, but hey. Also, what's a bigger pain to me, though, is when I can't figure out a protagonist's gender until I'm halfway through a story.

It would seem that I need to add more emphasis to the supernatural presence of the Crying Man. His presence alone drives them to the brink of madness, eye contact is only necessary for him to leach your humanity away. He's a supernatural being of sorrow, his presence robs men of everything but grief, and his gaze destroys their minds.

I love the way you put that. Ok, so how comes Taylor remains thinking (semi-)rationally in the presence of the Crying Man, while Dumass just breaks down. Is it because Taylor is more strong-willed? This is just my curiosity here, and doesn't need to be explained by the story- You know you've done a good job when the audience is asking this kind of thing.

Dunno, could be. That's just how Taylor reacted. Maybe it was because he was in another room, maybe it was because he had a stronger will, maybe it was because I just wanted to the focal character to remain lucid until the end. That's just the way it seemed like it should happen, you dig?

I get ya. Sometimes stuff just [i]feels[/i] right. Spooky though. The Crying Man is so mysterious, even the author cannot truly comprehend his powers :ohdear:

He was originally going to be of a set of three short stories: The Crying Man, The Laughing Man, The Screaming Man. All three men were to be emotional extremes which drove men mad, namely sorrow, anger, and terror. Each was to have their own harbinger. The Crying Man was to be announced by carrion birds, the Laughing Man by canines, and the Screaming Man by beetles. I stopped because I realized that all three stories would essentially be the same thing. The characters and setting in each would vary, but the core remains the same: mysterious man shows up, everybody dies. I actually wrote the Laughing Man, but it was scrapped after a few rewrites because of the similarities. He was more human-like, and actually spoke with some of the characters, but his presence slowly drove the people in the bar insane. By the time he started laughing, the bar was on fire and everybody was dead or dying. I have no plans to pick it back up, or to write the Screaming Man (which I originally wanted to be set in a baseball stadium). It seemed like a cool idea, but it fell short, and that's a big reason why the Crying Man feels like it does too.

I loved it. Very much like Stephen King, sounds really nice, the wording and imagery gave me a clear picture. I'd love to see more.