The story is, I believe, finally complete. It feels done, at any rate. Only took me six or seven revisions, haha!
As always, feedback and suggestions are appreciated!
[b]Title:[/b] Darius Says Hello
[b]Length:[/b] 1298 Words
[b]Link:[/b] [url]https://docs.google.com/document/edit?id=13yWGwVoSM-OhkuqTrUSNCoHxCeGYjzw_2urqQCimsag&hl=en[/url]
His world is definitely a nasty one. I found a spelling mistake early on, but the story kept my attention.
If you were to continue with it, I am sure it would only captivate me more. There were a couple of sentences near the end that could do with some restructuring. Other than that, well done!
I rewrote certain aspects of the story, stressing a closer attention to detail. I tried to add a little more depth to Darius's character. Please let me know your thoughts on the newer version- still available from the link in the OP.
Thanks, yo.
[b]edit[/b]
My primary area of concern is the opening paragraph. I'm never quite sure how to start a story. Any tips on how to improve it would be appreciated. Let me know if the pacing in this rewrite is too slow. It's not meant to be an action story, but neither do I want it to be boring.
Please don't take this post too critical. Some of these changes may be stylistic choice -- I am too accustomed to my previous professor's writing. I will highlight my changes and put the number of the reason in parenthesis.
[quote]
The basement window slides up easily. [highlight]Darius knew it would, because he'd unlocked it himself several weeks before.(1)[/highlight] [highlight]He had found time to excuse himself from an informal PTA dinner party long enough to ensure he had his own entrance, and in a neat little neighborhood like O'Fallon an unlocked window can go unnoticed for a long time. (2)[/highlight]
[highlight]Darius gently drops his tool kit through the ground-level window and winces at the hollow bong it makes as it lands on the washing machine.(3)[/highlight] [highlight]He tenses, waiting for the bedroom light above him to turn on, for a suspicious voice to call out who's there.(4)[/highlight] Endless seconds pass, and slowly Darius relaxes. With a relieved sigh, he [highlight]lays(5)[/highlight] flat on his stomach and scoots, feet first, into the darkness of the open window. He carefully steps down from the washing machine onto the cold concrete floor and locks the window behind him. After a short pause to let his eyes adjust, Darius picks up his bag and exits the small laundry room.
Pulling the wooden sliding door closed behind him, Darius quickly inventories the spacious room he’s entered. [highlight]Its(6)[/highlight] finished with a plush beige carpet and the walls are painted a soft pink. A repeating print pattern of cheery looking elephants marches around their upper border, and the guts of an overturned toy box litter the floor. Darius sets his tool kit onto a small polka-dot beanbag chair and opens it.
[/quote]
[b]1-[/b] Because can be seen easily as a conjunction, and it is, in some ways. But, you must also remember it is an introductory word. Use a comma [i]after[/i] a because clause, but not before. Here is a good page describing this: [url]http://wps.ablongman.com/long_faigley_penguinhb_1/0,7325,506142-,00.html[/url]
[b]2-[/b] There are many ways you can correct the structure here. This is an example:
[b]Original:[/b] He had found time to excuse himself from an informal PTA dinner party long enough to ensure he had his own entrance, and in a neat little neighborhood like O'Fallon an unlocked window can go unnoticed for a long time.
[b]Revised:[/b] He had found time to excuse himself from an informal PTA dinner party long enough to ensure he had his own entrance, and[highlight],[/highlight] in a neat little neighborhood like O'Fallon[highlight],[/highlight] an unlocked window can go unnoticed for a long time.
[b]3-[/b] You were doing well at keeping the pacing of the story - using words that smoothly continue along the path. This is a case where you lose the momentum a bit.
[b]Revised:[/b] Darius gently drops his tool kit through the ground-level window[highlight], wincing[/highlight] at the hollow bong it makes as it lands on the washing machine.
Just by changing that minuscule detail, the sentence flows much easier into the second clause in the sentence. By using the conjunction "and" there, as in other parts of a story like this, it kind of gives it a robotic motion. It causes the reader to move from one clause to the next as a list of actions. Unless you are aiming for a commanding text or a text with this type of motioning, watch out for too many conjunctions like this.
[b]4-[/b] Never forget the power of the dash. Not the hyphen (-), the dash (--). Word will automatically turn -- into the proper character(—). The dash in this sense will act as a comma would, but it used more as a parenthesis. It pauses the reader and sets the thought apart from the sentence.
I understand what you are trying to do in this sentence and I am not entirely sure what the overall verdict is on using commas in such a series. The last clause in this sentence is tacked on whilst being relevant to the information in the previous clauses. Because of this, it is difficult to decide whether or not it is, in fact, a two item series or a compound sentence with a parenthetical statement. To be safe, let me say you [i]could[/i] revise it like this, but it may not be necessary.
[b]Revised:[/b] He tenses, waiting for the bedroom light above him to turn on -- for a suspicious voice to call out who's there.
[b]5-[/b] This one is just a common mistake. If you are using the word "lay" - as in, to put your body at rest - in the present tense, it should be "lies." If we were talking about an object, such as: "He lays the lamp among the mud-encrusted cloths," then it would be "lays."
[b]6-[/b] Another common mistake. If you changed the word "finished" with "finish" as if speaking about the finish of the room (in a decor sense) then it would be correct; as-it-is, however, it should be "It's."
There may be others, but I will leave you to revise what you see. Once again, please don't take this too critically.
Ah, perfect! Excellent suggestions, thanks a ton. I'll look through the rest of the story with this stuff in mind, see if I can't iron it out a bit more.
I love the name Darius. But now. . . :ohdear:
Well, I think that does it! Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated, but the story is finally finished. Kindly read it, let me know what you think!
Link is back up in OP, but [b][u][URL="https://docs.google.com/document/edit?id=13yWGwVoSM-OhkuqTrUSNCoHxCeGYjzw_2urqQCimsag&hl=en"]HERE[/URL][/b][/u] is another one for you!
I really quite enjoyed the story, it really captivated me, it wasn't boring or anything, had me wanting to read it the whole way through.
Truly Brilliant.
Well, it did win.
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