[I][U]-snip-[/U][/I]
Comments and Criticism's welcome so long as they are constructive.
This part was basically to build up suspense for the main part of the story. Think of it as a prologue.
[B]
Draft 2[/B] [U]Fixed a fuckload of grammar errors.[/U]
[I][U]April 6, 2045 Tau Ceti IIIa “Humanities Hope” Probe[/U][/I]
The first probe to be launched from Sol was named “Humanities Hope” the name was not random. In the intervening years since O-1 came to power the few countries that remained sovereign, Spain, Japan, Germany, and Russia, created an Alliance popularly known by the supporters of it as “Freedom”. After the alliance was created they immediately start preparations for war with the countries under the Governmental Oversight committee, which included the US, China, and the UK, as well as a number of non-council members such as Mexico. The world soon plunged into a new cold war. On January 28, 2018 the war went hot. A nuclear submarine belonging to Russia was spotted in the waters off of the west coast of the united states. The GOC demanded a response from Freedom, Freedom delegates countered by revealing their knowledge of the GOC's discovery of a viable method for FTL travel. On that same day a missile was launched at the facility housing the project. The missile was a new stealth design, untraceable by most sensors. Before the facilities defenses could destroy it, the missile divided into 10 submunitions, each attempting to detect a source of radiation, in this case the facilities fusion reactor. 6 munitions hit, destroying everything within a 10 mile radius. In response to this, the GOC declared war on Freedom. 12 years later the war ended with the GOC marching triumphantly into Moscow.
It had only taken “Humanities Hope” a year to travel to the Tau Ceti system. Humanities Hope was about as large as two Iowa class battleships stuck to the sides of each other and was equipped with enough FTL comm line to reach from the Oort cloud to its target, Tau Ceti IIIa, known amongst scientists as 'that moon that wasn't there 20 years ago!'. The probes goal was to discover what this "moon" was and how it had gotten there. The probe entered the orbit of the object at 7:33 AST(Astronomical Standard Time). At 7:35 AST it activated its camera system and relayed the images to the FTL Comm buoy which was then relayed to the Oort cloud instantly via a system of comm lines almost exactly 3 microns in diameter made of an incredibly strong carbon alloy. These lines where moved back and forth by enormous wheels. The tension allowed messages to be relayed instantly as the line was pulled in at one end and and pulled out at the other. At 7:40 AST the probe finished its initial visual sweep of the object. It was about the size of Pluto's moon. Charon, and it had a number of strange geometric shapes on it. This was detected by the probes image recognition software as artificial. At 7:41 the probe began a radar sweep of the geometric shapes. After finishing the sweep something strange was detected, A cloud of particulate matter was streaming in from the largest triangular shape. The microparticles entered the probe through its ramscoop. They systematically scoured every bit of information out of the main database of the probe including the first contact package. The microswarm processed the information and then took control of the probe. Soon enough the lines of the FTL buoy started moving rhythmically as a message was sent to the Oort relay.
Garbled wall of text, very unpleasant to read. Not going to go into depth with a critique because at your current level you really need to learn the most basic of basics. Apostrophes, commas, grammar and formatting 101.
Your jargon could scarcely be less convincing at the moment, by the bye
[QUOTE=MakoSkyDub;37398696]Garbled wall of text, very unpleasant to read. Not going to go into depth with a critique because at your current level you really need to learn the most basic of basics. Apostrophes, commas, grammar and formatting 101.
Your jargon could scarcely be less convincing at the moment, by the bye[/QUOTE]
Are you going to point out specifically where or are you going to just leave?
[editline]24th August 2012[/editline]
Also the formatting got a little messed up due to me copypasting it from open office. I fixed it although I do not know how to indent.
[QUOTE=Kyle902;37398837]Are you going to point out specifically where or are you going to just leave?
[editline]24th August 2012[/editline]
Also the formatting got a little messed up due to me copypasting it from open office. I fixed it although I do not know how to indent.[/QUOTE]
Just press enter, indenting isn't very important in this forum because it doesn't seem to effectively exist.
I fixed the formatting
[QUOTE=Kyle902;37398868].. As I can see what?
[editline]24th August 2012[/editline]
I fixed the formatting[/QUOTE]
And I also fixed my comment.
Ahh sorry. I'll snip
After reading all of that I don't really have much idea what the hell is going on, for example you don't even tell us what nations make up the GOC, yet you gladly go into detail about the probe sending images somewhere, going as far as to describe lines of wire in more detail than one of the major factors in the story.
Fixed a shitload of errors. Should've proofread first.
[QUOTE=Kyle902;37398445][I][U]-snip-[/U][/I]
At 7:35 AST it activated [b]it's[/b] camera system and relayed the images to the FTL Comm buoy which was then relayed to the Oort cloud instantly via a system of comm lines almost exactly 3 microns in diameter made of an incredibly strong carbon alloy[/QUOTE]
Missed one. (there may be more but that's the only one I saw right off)
oh- also, "probes" should be "probe's" if you're referring to something belonging to the probe.
Thanks. I added a little information on the GOC. Will edit more tomorrow.
Sorry.. but this is insanely boring to read.
I'm not saying that the story is boring, but the way it is written is like a scientific re-accounting of events. Not to say you couldn't write that way and have it be entertaining, but you didn't pull it off here. I couldn't even read the whole thing. I SERIOUSLY tried to though, the first time my eyes glazed over and I clicked the back button, but then i thought, "No. I should go back and give it a serious try." So i did. I got a TINY bit further and had to stop.
[QUOTE=Kyle902;37398837]Are you going to point out specifically where or are you going to just leave?
[/QUOTE]
All of it
[editline]25th August 2012[/editline]
Like I said it's not worth the time it would take to break the whole thing down for you
Part of the reason for this is that most of it is faux-technical rubbish
That may have sounded a bit harsh in tone, sorry
(I meant all of it though)
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
