• Naruto fanfiction - Looking for help/advice
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!!!!STOP!!!! before you read, this please realize that this IS Naruto, and if you don't like Naruto, don't come here just to complain !!!!GO!!!! OK, so I'm looking for help, any problems/improvements, please state them. please note that this is my first story I've ever put any effort into, so it's still a little rough. Chapter one of a (hopefully) long running story here is a msword 07 format version if you don't want to read it off the post [url]http://www.sendspace.com/file/8nul5d[/url] The Secret life of Uzumaki Naruto Mornings, Naruto’s least favourite time of day. First she has to wake up, Second she has to put on a complicated Henge (to keep up the illusion that she’s a boy), and the third and final reason Naruto hates mornings, is that she has to go out and face the world as the blond demon brat she’s supposed to be. Stepping into the flowing water of the shower, Naruto began performing her daily morning ritual of cleansing herself of as much dirt from her body as humanly possible. After 20 minutes she finally turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, grabbed her favourite pink towel and dried herself off. When she was done she wrapped the towel around her waist and performed a few difficult stretches. After stretching she just stood there for a few minutes looking at herself in the man sized wall mirror. At a glance she looked like an average twelve year old girl, standing around four foot ten with narrow shoulders and a fairly slim build but not unnaturally slim. But there are a few thing that set her apart from other girls, the most prominent being her hair and attitude. Her hair is exactly the same as her henge she uses every day, a spiky cut less than an inch long, because when she made the changes to the henge to make it suit her needs it stopped affecting her hair for some inexplicable reason, plus whenever it gets much longer then it is now the tips slowly fade to orange. And as for the attitude, what girl would have a normal attitude if they had to act as a loudmouth slightly obnoxious blond boy for their entire life? It had been a good ten minutes that Naruto had been standing in her bathroom absently staring into the mirror, mentally going over things in her life she wished she could change but couldn’t. She snapped back to reality with a sigh, and started running through the hand signs for the standard henge taught to academy students, but added three extra and rarely seen ones to the end. When she landed on the last sign she muttered “Advanced Henge” while mentally telling herself that there will be a day when she wouldn’t have to do this. She disappeared in a poof of smoke, when the smoke cleared Naruto was gone and in her place stood a blond haired blue eyed boy of about the same age. Not having anyone’s appearance to copy for the henge when she first started using it, Naruto needed to pick someone to base it on. For this she chose the Yondime because he looked a lot like she thought she would as a boy, it was mostly the blond hair and blue eyes. Her henge is exactly as she saw him in his genin team photo, except a little shorter and with the whisker marks that were present on her own face. Inspecting the results of the henge, she searched over herself for any flaws. Finding none, she unwrapped the towel from her waist, chucked it in the laundry bin and left the bathroom to put some clothes on. Entering the Kitchen/Bedroom part of the two room apartment Naruto glanced at the clock, which read 4:30 am. Seeing that she was ahead of schedule she walked over to the stove to heat some water for ramen then turned to her desk to find clothes that were clean. The only presentable clothes she could find were a black sleeveless shirt and a pair of orange pants. After applying her clothes and pouring her ramen she slipped out of her apartment and set off towards the ninja academy pausing only to lock the door. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - It had been a few hours since she had arrived, and Naruto was holding sparring matches with anyone who wanted to try to beat her up. Surprisingly, all but a few of the boys were present and even a few girls joined in on the “Naruto beating”, even though it was Naruto doing all the beating. The reason most of them wanted to fight Naruto was to prove that they were better than the “top of the class” that nearly everybody, teachers included, refuse to help. Just after Naruto knocked down her most recent opponent she declaring that she had had enough for the morning. Sighing and looking around she realised that only five of the academy boys weren’t in the crowd of people that wanted to beat her up. The missing ones were, Choji, Shikamaru, Shino, Kiba and Sasuke-niisan. Choji, Shikamaru and Shino because its Choji, Shikamaru and Shino, two of them are lazy as potatoes, and the other is couldn’t be bothered. Kiba because he’s late… again. And Sasuke, well Sasuke and Naruto are like siblings, and seeing as they are orphans it is the closest they can get. Iruka would call their relationship and interactions sibling rivalry, because they’re constantly competing for the top grades of the class. The girls in the crowd on the other hand were there to try to beat information about Sasuke out of her; being the closest person to him in the class this was quite normal. Deciding that she could wait for Iruka she went to the entrance of the academy. When she reached the door though she noticed a light on in her classroom and decided to investigate. She slipped in quickly as not to be followed, and found none other than Iruka, alone, at his desk, furiously working through a small mountain of paperwork. “Hey, Iruka” Naruto said after walking into the room and sitting on a desk. “Hey, Naru-chan” Iruka replied, looking up from his paperwork. Naruto was going to continue, but froze when she heard a stifled laugh from the back of the room. But she breathed a sigh of relief when she turned and saw raven coloured hair that was styled in the most awkward and complicated style possible for hair its length, she called it a masterpiece of frying-pan and comb. It was the hair of Sasuke-niisan. “Naru-chan, Eh? Why didn’t I think of that?” Sasuke asked no one in particular while rising from his desk and descending the steps to the front of the class. “Maybe I should call you that in class.” He continued with an evil smirk. “You wouldn’t dare!” Naruto countered in a voice that positively oozed rage “besides the only ones in the academy who know are you two and I would like to keep it that way for the last two days.” She finished in a more cheery voice. “Fine but if we’re on the same genin team then I’m making you tell the new sensei” Sasuke said in a mature forceful voice. “Why?” Naruto asked sounding a little confused. “What happens if go on a long mission or something happens to you and you get knocked unconscious? Remember the day I found out?” Sasuke explained, with a bland expression on his face. “That’s also the day you found out that there’s a girl other than Hinata in this class who isn’t completely obsessed with you.” Naruto observed. “Really, who?” Shikamaru asked as he strode lazily into the room. Naruto froze and Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Shikamaru’s intrusion. “How much did you hear?” Sasuke demanded with a hint of warning in his voice. “Just what he said about the girls.” Shikamaru replied pointing to Naruto, surprised by the threatening tone in Sasuke voice. After hearing that both Naruto and Sasuke visibly relaxed, seeing this Shikamaru realised that they must have been talking about a big secret they have between them. Glancing at Iruka, who was still doing paperwork when he came in and was currently stretching. ‘He was here the whole time so he obviously knows too.’ thought Shikamaru as he stored this information away in the “investigate later” file in his mind. Just after Shikamaru sat down the rest of the class entered, and every girl with the exception of Hinata swarmed around Sasuke as soon as they saw him. Sasuke was trapped, he looked to Naruto in search of help. Naruto one the other hand, stood about two feet away from the swarm, arms crossed, and an amused look on her face. She just stood there watching for a minute before mouthing “If you promise” at him. When he nodded, Naruto reached through the crowd grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled. As soon as he was free of the crowd she placed herself between the girls and Sasuke, then pushed him off to their seats. “Everyone to your seats, it’s time for the graduation exam” Iruka yelled from the front of the class. At the same time Mizuki was passing out the paper portion of the exam. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - The paper test took nearly an hour for everyone to finish, and by the end Naruto was nearly bored to sleep, only an iron will built up over years of keeping awake in public keeping her up. But she perked up when Iruka stepped up in front of the class and cleared his throat, demanding everyone’s attention. “We will now start the second half of the exam. For this portion we will be doing two ninjutsu of my choice.” Pausing for a moment, Iruka looked around the room to make sure that everybody was paying attention before continuing on. “Those jutsu will be the Kawaminari no jutsu and a bunshin.” “We’ll start at the bottom of the list today,” Mizuki said as he snatched the clipboard out of Iruka’s grasp. Glancing at it he called out the name on the bottom “Yamanaka Ino” Ino performed both jutsu almost perfect though she was nearly out of chakra when she finished, something that Naruto found unforgivable, as it made girls look weak. “Uzumaki Naruto” Naruto stood up, took a deep breath and walked to the front of the class with a neutral expression on her face, right up to Iruka and said, “I can’t perform the standard bunshin no jutsu.” “And why might that be?” Iruka demanded, though he could already knew what the answer was going to be. “The bunshin no jutsu requires such a small amount of chakra that I can’t focus it properly and the jutsu fails, no matter how many bunshin I try to make.” She replied with a smile, and as soon a she said it about half the class looked at her like she was crazy, most of them had trouble performing the jutsu and having enough energy to do anything else. “Do you have something else you could do instead?” Iruka asked, hoping that she would because he really doesn’t want to fail someone he regarded as a little brother. (She may be a girl but she acts more like a brother then a sister.) “Well I do, but you didn’t let me get there yet.” Naruto responded while performing a few hand signs, ending on a cross shaped seal. “Kage bunshin no jutsu” When the smoke cleared their now stood seven Narutos where but one only moments before. Upon hearing the name of the jutsu Iruka felt a little worried for Naruto but when he saw the results he was a little amazed. Even he had some trouble with the kage bunshin no jutsu from time to time. “Hey, Naruto who taught you that jutsu?” Iruka asked wondering who would teach that technique to someone her age. While six of the Narutos disappeared in a poof of smoke and the remaining one simply replied “Dog.” This caused everybody to look at Kiba who was sleeping on his desk. This made Naruto chuckle “not that dog, an AMBU with a dog mask who I met up with a few times.” Forming a hand sign Naruto performed a Kawaminari, using Sakura as the object she switched places with, who was conveniently located in Naruto’s seat next to Sasuke. Sakura appeared standing where Naruto had been standing less than a second before looking dazed and confused as Sasuke’s name was called. Sasuke took Naruto's idea, using Sakura for his Kawaminari, placing her standing on his chair while he displayed his abilities with the bunshin jutsu. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - When everyone finished they were handed a sheet of paper with their final mark and a bandana with a metal plate bearing the symbol the hidden leaf village, on their way out of the class. When Naruto received hers she was so happy she could have hugged someone, but considering the company she was in and what most people thought of her, she decided that it would be better if she didn’t. Her cheery mood didn’t last long though, for the instant she stepped outside and noticed the crowd of parents waiting for their kids and was hit with a pang of loneliness. It didn’t help that when they noticed the hitai-ate around her neck, murmurs started with people accusing her of cheating or stealing. Naruto was becoming agitated, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Glancing back she saw that it was Sasuke-niisan. “Just ignore them,” he told her in a quiet voice as he grabbed her by the hand and forcefully dragged her through the crowd. As they made their way out of the crowd of parents Naruto heard some of the comments of the more bold villagers like, “What’s the last Uchiha doing defending the demon boy?” and “The monster has poisoned the Uchiha’s mind, it should be dealt with!” “So why do they call you a monster, Naru-chan?” Sasuke asked when they were a good distance from the academy. “Sasuke-niisan! I thought I told you not to call me that.” Naruto replied angrily, while nervously checking behind her to be sure that nobody was behind them “and if you’re on my team tomorrow than I will tell you the answer but you won’t like it. With that Naruto turned down an alleyway and disappeared. It took a few seconds for Sasuke to realise that Naruto was gone, and when he did he just sighed and took to the rooftops when he spotted fan girls. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Naruto woke abruptly and quickly sat up to check the clock, only to have her shirt’s collar to slip off her slight feminine shoulders and stop about halfway down her upper arms. The only thing stopping it from falling farther was that she was trying to raise her arms and stretch. Pulling up her shirt and glancing at the clock she saw that it was almost four o’clock, meaning she was up early. Climbing out of bed she had to catch her shorts to keep them from imitating her shirt, at the same time cursing the fact that her female form was so much smaller than her male form and that she had almost no clothes that fit her female form anyways. Waistband in hand, she made it about halfway across the room before giving up and letting go, letting them fall to the floor. Grabbing a towel she stepped into the bathroom for her daily cleansing. Leaving the bathroom just over twenty minutes later, with a towel around her waist, clean and under a henge same as every day. Arriving at her clothing pile she began searching for something presentably clean, finding only a pair of dark blue shorts and a black sleeveless shirt she decided that that was adequate for meeting her new sensei. Now fully clothed, Naruto made her way to the door, grabbing a pastry from the bag she bought to celebrate the night before. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Naruto was half way to the ninja academy before she remembered that nobody would be there to spar with today. With that in mind Naruto turned towards the Uchiha district, and walked off in the direction. While on the way Naruto was contemplating when and how to tell Sasuke about her demon. At the same time she was running through the possible and desired reactions from said Uchiha. The most likely and least desired reaction would be fear and anger, but the most desired and least likely would acceptance preferably with very little shouting. Naruto was so wrapped up in her thoughts that when she realised where she was, she had walked past the entire Uchiha district into the woods, all the way to the private lake in the woods, and her favourite Uchiha was seated at the end of the small dock on the near shore. Naruto hadn’t been here in a while, but she still remembered the last time she was here. That had been the day that she had met Sasuke as well as the day that she had first revealed to anyone that she was in fact a she. Speaking of Sasuke and secrets she had decided that he was going to learn another one here and now. Walking over to where the Uchiha was seated, she flopped down next to him and looked out in the direction that he was starring, not seeing anything particularly interesting. “You know that a fan-girl would kill to trade places with you right now, Naru-chan.” Sasuke said with an amused expression on his face. “I came to answer yesterday’s question.” Naruto replied keeping her tone steady and her face blank, not justifying his fan-girl joke with a response. Hearing the seriousness in Naruto’s voice Sasuke looked over at Naruto and nearly fell into the water when he saw no orange and no cheery expression. After recovering from his momentary shock, he waited for her to continue. When she was silent for a few minutes, he finally asked, “So why do the villagers call you a monster... A demon?” “First tell me what you know about the Kyuubi.” She requested in response. “It’s the demon lord the Yondime hokage killed at the price of his life.” Sasuke said, simply stating textbook facts learned in the history part of class. “That’s only the half truth, not even someone as powerful as the fourth could kill the demon lord. The only option for stopping something that immense and powerful is to seal it into a newborn child. Unfortunately for me, I the only person who was born on the day that the Kyuubi attacked.” When she finished explaining, she turned away from Sasuke and waited for his reaction to this massive secret. When none came she looked back at him and saw that he was starring off into space, apparently deep in thought, not even responding to a hand waved in front of his face. “So can you see the seal through the henge?” Sasuke asked as Naruto was reaching to mess up his finely crafted mess of hair, nearly scaring Naruto off of the dock with his sudden outburst of speech. “Yah, it shows up no matter what I henge into, why?” Naruto asked a little confused. “Then can I see it?” Sasuke inquired, looking at her with a face that showed no fear or anger, just interest. When Naruto heard Sasuke’s request she starred at him like he was crazy, the thing that most people hated her for, and he wanted to look at it. Seeing no reason not to, she decided to comply. Lifting up her shirt, she concentrated some chakra, causing the seal to become visible surrounding her naval, first the swirl in the center then two crescent moon’s each with four points on their backs, one on top and one on the bottom. “Go ahead and use your sharingan, it’ll show you the flow of chakra.” Naruto said when she noticed him trying to figure out how it worked. Receiving her permission Sasuke closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment. When he opened them they were blood red with one black tomoe mounted on a black ring in each. As soon as he activated his sharingan Sasuke could see the flow of chakra running through her body, and what he saw answered some of his questions while raising some more. But what interested him the most about the seal was the dull orange glow, which he assumed was the Kyuubi’s chakra, slowly leaking from the seal, into the would be blue chakra, turning it a transparent purple color. “Uh, Naruto?” Sasuke asked without deactivating his sharingan. “Hmm?” “Could you concentrate some chakra to your hand, please?” “Okay,” she replied and seconds later a transparent purple glowing aura formed around her hand. “And why am I doing this?” “So I can see your chakra better.” Sasuke replied as if it were obvious. “What about it?” “The color.” “Its purple, what color should it be?” she asked, fairly confused at this point. “Well, I’ve never seen a person with chakra any color other than blue.” Sasuke explained while concentrating chakra to his hand, causing it to glow a feint blue, to emphasise his point before continuing his explanation. “This is caused by the seal constantly leaking small amounts of the reddish orange chakra into your chakra circulatory system, and it being red turns your natural blue chakra purple.” “Oh.” Was Naruto’s only response before she looked up and saw a light on the horizon, “The sun is rising, we should go.” As soon as she said it they both climbed to their feet and walked off in the direction of the ninja academy in total silence. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - They arrived just as Iruka opened the doors to let the students into the academy. He along with everybody waiting to enter were as amazed as Sasuke had been with the fact that Naruto wasn’t wearing orange, but she ignored them as she entered the classroom, took a window seat and began waiting for Iruka to announce the teammates she would be working with. Just behind Naruto the rest of the class took their seats and Iruka stepped up to the front of the class and began a speech. A speech about how important teams and teamwork were to the survival of ninja’s on the field, literally boring some people to sleep. “Attention class,” Iruka called after finishing his speech, “I will now be assigning you your genin level teams. Genin teams are groups of four, three Genins lead by one Jounin. The teams are designed to be as balanced as possible, evening out skills and test scores. With a well balanced team one team member will have a strength to cover another teammate’s weakness. Team one will be…” and he set in to listing the students on each individual team. “Team seven will be Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto. And you r Jounin sensei will be Hatake Kakashi” Naruto had zoned out until she heard her name called, and she was completely clueless as to who her teammates were because her name was called last in that cell. But she caught on pretty quick because Iruka had yet to call another team and Sakura was glaring at Naruto while trying to hug Sasuke at the same time, though not really succeeding at either. “Alright class you have half an hour break for lunch,” Iruka said after he called out the last team, “Come back here after to meet your Jounin senseis.” - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Lunch passed uneventful, with Naruto eating under a tree Sasuke hiding in the tree and Sakura, along with most of the other girls, searching for Sasuke. When lunch ended all the Genins returned to the class, with their jounin sensei waiting already or arriving shortly after, with the exception of the instructor of team seven, and after two hours their patience was wearing thin. “This is stupid,” Naruto complained loudly, “I wanna go home!” “Grow up Naruto, waiting is part of being mature.” Sakura said as if Naruto were correcting a small child. But her inner self was on Naruto’s side of this argument. Sasuke just sighed, getting up from his seat and moving to the window, leaving Naruto and Sakura to argue at the front of the class. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Kakashi was always late, and anyone who knew him could tell you that. But these three genin have never met him before, and he didn’t like the ominous feeling he was getting room where they were waiting, and Kakashi had been through many doors without knowing what lies on the other side, but nothing could have prepared him for what came next. The instant he slid the door open the door he heard the words “Oikoke no jutsu” and there was a tremendous poof of smoke. When the smoke started to clear Kakashi found himself transfixed, starring at an attractive young woman with long blond hair. That wasn’t what got him though, it was that she was covered with nothing but her long blond hair and a few thin trails of smoke, as well as smiling and gesturing seductive in his direction. It took Kakashi to realize it but he recognised this jutsu. “Looking better Naruto,” Kakashi said after recovering from the shock. “But you still need to work on a few things.” In response Naruto poofed back to normal every day boy Naruto and starred with a stupefied expression on her face. The reason being, she suspected that she had spent a lot of time with this person. And she had few hints; one he resisted the jutsu that took down the hokage on more than one occasion, two he knows her name and acted familiar towards her, and three she recognised his gravity deifying silver hair and lazy sounding voice. Adding together these three elements together and there was only one possible person that this man could be… “Dog!!” Naruto exclaimed, then lunged at, and hugged Kakashi, with enough force to knock him to the ground. After recovering from the surprise of being tackle/hugged by a little twelve year old boy at full force, Kakashi stood up, dusted himself off and said “Follow me.” with a grin, before walking off towards the stairs. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Kakashi was sitting on a railing on the roof looking at his newly appointed genins, taking in as much information as observation would allow. The pink haired one, named Sakura, seemed to despise Naruto but showed affection bordering on obsession for Sasuke. Sasuke on the other hand showed no interest in Sakura, but seemed quite protective of Naruto, somewhat like an older sibling. Naruto filled the role of the younger sibling perfectly as well, often getting himself into situations he needed saving from and constant looked to Sasuke for help. Deciding that he had observed enough, Kakashi began the introductions. “Now, I’d like you all to tell me a little about yourselves.” Kakashi said in a bored voice. “Like what?” Sakura asked, bluntly asking what the other two were thinking. “Well, I was thinking something like your favourite thing, what you dislike most.” Kakashi began listing off in the same bored voice, “Dreams, hobbies, things like that.” “You go first.” Naruto demanded with a smile. “Why should I?” Kakashi demanded in return, sounding amused. “Well, isn’t the saying; it’s best to lead by example, besides, I hardly know you, and those two don’t know you at all.” Naruto explained. “Ok, you two listen up. My name is Hatake Kakashi; I have many likes and dislikes that I don’t feel like sharing at the moment. I’ve never really thought of my dreams for the future. As for hobbies, I have a lot of them.” Kakashi listed off, raising a finger for every point. “Your next ‘Blondie’.” Naruto growled at that title then cleared her throat and started her little mini speech. “My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I like training, and I like it even better when it’s with Sasuke-niisan, because it’s more fun, and ramen! The only thing that I really dislike is cleaning my apartment, because it’s really boring. My dream for the future is…” Naruto paused suspense fully while grinning. “To become hokage, making the villagers acknowledge my existence at last. My hobbies include training and studying from books I can get from the hokage or the library before they kick me out.” “Hmmm, interesting… you next.” Was all Kakashi said pointing at Sasuke, but he was truly amazed by how much Naruto’s life revolves around becoming a better ninja. “My name is Uchiha Sasuke,” Sasuke stated with an uncaring voice, “There are many things that I like and dislike and I’d like them to stay personal. I consider my plans for the future more as goals then dreams they are; to resurrect my clan, and to bring justess to the one who destroyed it. As for hobbies, the closest thing to a hobby I have is training with Naruto.” “You next Pinky.” Kakashi said in his normal bored voice, though he was amazed that Sasuke was not as revenge driven as he could have been. He attributed this to his family like relationship with Naruto. The comment made Sakura growl much the same way as Naruto, but made Naruto smile, before she started her introduction. “My name is Haruno Sakura, what I like is, well…” instead of saying anything she looked over at Sasuke with a blush, “Well, um, my dream for the future is…” looking back at Sasuke her blush deepened. “I hate… Naruto.” This made Naruto huff and look in the away from Sakura, but Sakura ignored her. “And my hobby is cooking.” “Alright, now that we know each other a little bit better, tomorrow we will meet on training grounds three at six in the morning. Bring all of your ninja equipment, as it will be survival training.” Kakashi said while handing sheets of paper to the team “All the details are on that sheet of paper. And I would suggest against eating breakfast tomorrow.” With that he disappeared in a poof of smoke. As soon as he was gone Naruto and Sasuke got up and left in the direction of their homes, leaving Sakura sitting there for a minute before she caught on, then she ran after Sasuke. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Kakashi didn’t arrive until almost eight, and he was greeted by two angry genins and one practicing kunai throwing kunai on a Kakashi dummy. “Alright you three, as said on the sheet of paper, this is a test, and if you fail you go back to the academy for another year. Now, this is a test of your skill, so come at me with all you got or it won’t be a fair evaluation of your strength.” Kakashi explained while placing an alarm clock on a training post and then revealing two small bells on his belt. “Your objective is to get one of these two bells from me before time runs out. Time runs out at noon, anyone without a bell then fails, is tied to a training post and gets no lunch.” Before anyone could complain about their being only two bells Kakashi started. “Go!” As soon as he said go Sasuke and Sakura leapt off in opposite directions and Naruto disappeared in a poof of smoke, the latter of which surprised Kakashi slightly. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Sakura was crouched in the bushes, waiting for Sasuke to come out and kick Kakashi’s ass. She was quite comfy under her bush, until an arm wrapped around her neck and a hand covered her mouth. She tried to scream, but discovered that’s what the hand was for. She was about to lash out at her captor, when they turned her around, revealing Naruto with a very serious look on “his” face. “Keep quiet, and follow me.” Naruto whispered releasing Sakura’s mouth and sneaking off into the bushes. Sakura followed Naruto all the way to a clearing deep in the woods. When they reached the clearing the Naruto guide dispelled in a poof of smoke alerting the other Naruto and Sasuke. “Naruto, why’d you bring her along?” Sasuke asked with a disappointed look in Naruto’s direction. “Well, we’re up against a Jounin and we’re just Genin, so it’s obviously a test of our teamwork. Plus I have a plan that requires her talents with traps.” Naruto explained in a matter-o-factory tone before her expression went blank for a moment. “We haven’t much time, he found my scout clone” - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - Kakashi was getting bored and was about to go searching for the Genins again, when a Sasuke jumped out if the trees in front of Kakashi, and at the same time as another Sasuke on his left. As soon as they started hand-signs a Naruto poofed into existence between the two and another behind him, the one behind Kakashi trapping his arms and one of his legs. Having been distracted by the Naruto on his back, Kakashi failed to notice the jutsu cast by both Sasuke’s at the same time. But he looked up in time to see the two fireballs collide halfway between him and the Naruto to his front left. Kakashi saw that the jutsu would miss, but when he heard the name of the next jutsu, he became a little worried. “Futon Fuufuu no jutsu!” the Naruto behind the combined fireball yelled before they blew a massive breath of compressed air in the direction of Kakashi. The result of the air jutsu combined with the two fire jutsus was frightening: The fireball tripled in size in a matter of seconds while traveling in Kakashi’s direction at a terrifying speed. Being held down, Kakashi only had one option to get out of this unburnt. “Seton endai mizu tama!” Kakashi yelled after running through a few quick one-handed signs shooting multiple large spheres of water from his mouth, barely stopping the massive fireball. But it failed to stop the blast of air and steam hot enough to dispel the kage bunshin on his back. As soon as they saw that that attempt had failed the three attackers disappeared back into the forest. - - - - - - - - -Line break- - - - - - - - - It took almost half an hour, but they were back and with a new plan. It started with Naruto and Sasuke running at Kakashi from opposite directions and jumping to punch him on both sides at the same time. As they expected Kakashi ducked, so Naruto and Sasuke caught each other’s fists in the air and pushed off to put some distance between them and Kakashi’s hands and feet. Looking at each other they nodded and Naruto summoned a kage bunshin between the two, creating a triangle around Kakashi, when the clone was in place all three attackers raised one of their hands and waited. Sakura saw this action from her hideout in the trees, and recognised it as a sign to fire the trap. Pulling one the piece of ninja wire leading to the launchers, she released multiple kunai aimed at Kakashi from a half circle around him. Kakashi saw the three kunai coming out of the trees in his general direction. He had expected a trap of this kind might be used against him, but he hadn’t expected the genins surrounding him to catch the kunai and run circles around him. It wasn’t until they wrapped tightly that he noticed the ninja wire attached to the kunai. As soon as they had him wrapped, Sakura dashed out of the trees dashed at Kakashi and leapt high over his head. When she was directly over Kakashi, she performed a Kawaminari with Sasuke who, using his lack of momentum, and advantageous position, made a dive for the bells while Naruto caught Sakura. Sasuke would have got the bells if Kakashi hadn’t loosened the wire just enough to leap away at the last second. The instant he landed the bell signalling the end of the test rang, signifying failure to the three genin who didn’t have a bell between them. “I must admit, I’m impressed.” Kakashi said as he was removing the ninja wire. “Your better than genin just out of the academy should be, and that’s the best teamwork I’ve seen in a while. I know I’m going to regret this, but although none of you acquired a bell I’m going to pass you anyways.” For a minute none of the genin believed their ears, it took Naruto’s excited yell to snap the other two out of their disbelief. Sakura was so excited that she ran towards the exit of the training of the training grounds saying something about telling her mother. “Well good, she left first, because I don’t think that you want to tell her yet, do ya?” Sasuke said, regaining his composure after a brief celebration. “No, I don’t but I don’t want to tell him right now either.” Naruto said pointing at Kakashi, who had no idea what they were talking about. “You’ll tell him or I will, your choice.” Sasuke threatened, and Naruto knew he would too. “Fine, I’ll tell him.” Naruto gave in. Turning to Kakashi she started talking as if he had been part of the conversation to begin with. “Kakashi, since you’re going to be my Jounin sensei, there are some things I need to tell you.” “Such as?” Kakashi inquired. “Well the first one I’d like to show you.” And as soon as she said this she started hand signs for a jutsu that Kakashi didn’t know, but Sasuke apparently did because he was at her side the instant she initiated the jutsu. The jutsu turned out to be a forced sleep jutsu, and Kakashi was quite surprised by the result. Naruto fell back onto Sasuke, and his body and facial features quickly transformed from the well known appearance of male Naruto, to that of a girl very similar in appearance and approximately the same age. When she opened her eyes he saw that even they had changed a little, the pupils were much more narrow and elongated. But the similarities were numerous and some things were actually the same, the hair and whisker marks for example. Kakashi was going to have to remind himself to ask about that later. “Now explain to me why you disguise yourself like this.” Kakashi requested. “The main reason was to protect me from assassins from other countries who held a grudge towards my father, because many would kill his family to get revenge on him. And the other reason was to protect me from the villagers here, ‘cause there are some pretty evil things some people would do to a little girl that almost everyone hates or ignores.” Naruto explained with a sour look on her face. “Who was your father to have so many enemies from foreign lands?” Kakashi asked. He was pretty confident that he knew, but he needed confirmation. “I’ll give you a few hints,” Naruto said as if she were a trivia master asking others questions. “He was really famous and had hair and eyes like mine but he wasn’t related to the Yamanaka family.” “So your father was the Fourth?” Kakashi asked, getting a nod from Naruto he continued with his other question, “I don’t understand how this protects you from the foreign ninjas though.” “Information of my birth somehow reached the ears of someone who was willing to divulge the information to the foreign countries. As a result there were two assassination attempts on me before I was one year old. They were never made public but they convinced Oji-san to disguise my gender as well as my identity. “Now that I know that, you hinted that there was more you wanted to tell me.” Kakashi said “There is, but to get it you have to come eat dinner with me, so I can introduce you to Ayame-nee-chan and Ichiraku-ji-san.” Naruto said before performing a jutsu Kakashi had never seen before, which quickly morphed her into the appearance he was familiar with and running off in the direction of town. Chapter end. Jutsu! Futon fuufuu no jutsu: (air style heavy breath technique) the user exhales a massive breath of condensed air. Useful for stirring up large amounts of dust, drying things off, and fanning large flames. Kage bunshin no jutsu: (shadow clone technique) if you don’t know what this is your not a Naruto fan. Seton endai mizu tama: (water style grand water ball technique) the user fires one or multiple large spheres of water from their mouth. Often used for putting out fires or immobilizing small enemies. Reviews would rock
Do you use deviant art?
not for my stories
[QUOTE=Elanore;17648220]not for my stories[/QUOTE] [url]http://themalldemon.deviantart.com/art/Fanfiction-ch1-94052663[/url]
i gave up after a chapter one, cause i got like no responces
I can't be bothered to read it all on account of it being uninteresting writing from the start and altogether mediocre. You change tenses, use massive amounts of commas, write awkwardly, and put capital letters where they are not needed. You can have a descriptive scene without it being boring. Gaining a larger vocabulary helps.
But you just said you didn't use deviantart for stories [b]Edit:[/b] Ok, nevermind. There is much more content here than on the DA page, I guess this isn't plagiarism/trolling.
[QUOTE=Perfumly;17648229][url]http://themalldemon.deviantart.com/art/Fanfiction-ch1-94052663[/url][/QUOTE] GOOD JOB DETECTIVE I'll buy you a beer. Also :sigh: I don't really expect much out of Deviantart's members. Whenever they post something in response to someones art it's always praising it no matter what. It's ridiculous. There is some good stuff on there but not EVERYTHING is amazing. I assume that if I got on and gave an actual review of half the content I would get bitched out of the site.
not anymore, i post them on fanfiction.net now [url]http://www.fanfiction.net/~lunokonick[/url] and DOG-GY, you you like to give me a little help?
Wait I can't buy beer. :saddowns: [editline]11:57PM[/editline] [QUOTE=Elanore;17648334]not anymore, i post them on fanfiction.net now [url]http://www.fanfiction.net/~lunokonick[/url] and DOG-GY, you you like to give me a little help?[/QUOTE] :confused:
like point out things i should change, like specific places?
Like I said I don't really want to review the whole thing, because if I did it would look like this x100 [url]http://www.facepunch.com/showpost.php?p=17647396&postcount=2[/url] I didn't even cover half the stuff I would have because I would literally have to sit down with him and go over what is wrong. Doing yours would take a LONG time. Learn from prominent writers. And NOT those who are the cliche popular writers who make a cheap buck by selling crap that young teens fall in love with. I'm sure you can decipher what I'm talking about.
i think you overestimate the crappyness of my story just a tiny bit by comparing it to that, but it's nowhere close to being near perfect, that's why i put it here.
[QUOTE=Elanore;17648638]i think you overestimate the crappyness of my story just a tiny bit by comparing it to that, but it's nowhere close to being near perfect, that's why i put it here.[/QUOTE] His story actually wrought some interest from me. Yours, however, did not. If your comparing it to the review I posted, that is. He had better writing than you. [editline]12:15AM[/editline] And that is further shown by your post style.
ok, but you could have pointed that out to begin with
Oh were you talking about comparing it to Twilight? Because it's about on par with that.
well seeing as I'd never even physical touched a copy of twilight or following series, i wouldn't know
[QUOTE=Elanore;17648748]well seeing as I'd never even physical touched a copy of twilight or following series, i wouldn't know[/QUOTE] Good. [editline]12:19AM[/editline] I've had the pain of reading all 4.
[QUOTE=DOG-GY;17648751] I've had the pain of reading all 4.[/QUOTE] Why
why would you ever do such a horrible thing?!?
[QUOTE=Perfumly;17648768]Why[/QUOTE] Infatuation with someone. Then I realize I was being a dipshit.
[QUOTE=DOG-GY;17648329]GOOD JOB DETECTIVE I'll buy you a beer. Also :sigh: I don't really expect much out of Deviantart's members. Whenever they post something in response to someones art it's always praising it no matter what. It's ridiculous. There is some good stuff on there but not EVERYTHING is amazing. I assume that if I got on and gave an actual review of half the content I would get bitched out of the site.[/QUOTE] Same with lots of mod sites, give negative criticism and get banned for trolling :3: [editline]11:29PM[/editline] [QUOTE=DOG-GY;17648807]Infatuation with someone. Then I realize I was being a dipshit.[/QUOTE] if someone is interested in twilight then they aren't worth the effort imo inb4 middle school
[QUOTE=Cheesemonkey;17648889]Same with lots of mod sites, give negative criticism and get banned for trolling :3:[/quote] It's really disappointing. [QUOTE=Cheesemonkey;17648889] if someone is interested in twilight then they aren't worth the effort imo inb4 middle school[/QUOTE] Like is said, I was a dipshit. It was actually before twilight that my infatuation started, and then she just got worse and worse and then I met the love of my life :3:
[QUOTE=DOG-GY;17648962]It's really disappointing. Like is said, I was a dipshit. It was actually before twilight that my infatuation started, and then she just got worse and worse and then I met the love of my life :3:[/QUOTE] well at least you realize you screwed up :hf:
You read twilight because you were infatuated? Jesus christ man, I hope you got a blowjob out of the relationship. Or that she was at least cute. [editline]04:39AM[/editline] And about the fan fic.. Frankly I found it bland, boring and uninteresting. I don't really watch/read Naruto, but I can tell when a story isn't very good. I'm sadly going to have to agree you're on par with Stephanie Myers writing. [editline]04:41AM[/editline] I also think the idea of Naruto secretly being a woman was stupid. Just thought I'd share that.
[QUOTE=Cheesemonkey;17649010]well at least you realize you screwed up :hf:[/QUOTE] Thanks bro. [QUOTE=lum1naire;17649051]You read twilight because you were infatuated? Jesus christ man, I hope you got a blowjob out of the relationship. Or that she was at least cute.[/quote] No and no. And thank god I didn't get one from [i]her[/i]. [QUOTE=lum1naire;17649051] And about the fan fic.. Frankly I found it bland, boring and uninteresting. I don't really watch/read Naruto, but I can tell when a story isn't very good. I'm sadly going to have to agree you're on par with Stephanie Myers writing.[/quote] God. Reflecting back on it, it's painful to remember her writing. [QUOTE=lum1naire;17649051] I also think the idea of Naruto secretly being a woman was stupid. Just thought I'd share that.[/QUOTE] [img_thumb]http://www.facepunch.com/fp/rating/tick.png[/img_thumb]
OK, i get the point, it sucks, but I'm trying to improve and this isn't helping much.
Read the other review I've posted, and do what I said. Learn from prominent writers.
Tired, may as well humor you. To start with: -Naruto Uzumaki. Not Uzumaki Naruto. You're writing in English, you need to use English naming conventions. -If you're going to start with "Mornings, X's least favorite time of the day.", you really ought to write in a way that expresses the drudgery of that time for the character in question. You open with that, then list what she does like it's a freaking documentary. You're not letting us experience this chick's morning, you're giving us a shopping list. First, she has to x, second, she has to y, third, she has to *yawn*. Fuck that noise. Try something like: [quote]Mornings...Generic Female X's least favorite time of day. It always starts with the horribly drawn-out voyage from her cot into the land of the living, followed by the act of getting her guise together. Ingrained by rote, it had become difficult over the years to tell where stumbling about half-asleep ended and where transforming into the chipper-blue eyed twat began.[/quote]
[QUOTE=DOG-GY;17649264]Read the other review I've posted, and do what I said. Learn from prominent writers.[/QUOTE] OK, point taken. now would you have any authors to suggest for their writing?
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