Over the last year or so, I have felt myself go through an intense metamorphosis mentally. Firstly some backstory on myself: as a child in primary school, I was bullied severely due to my weight and anger problems. To put it simply I had an extremely short fuse, but was extremely unfit, so I was helpless to translate any of my mental anger into physical anger, making me an easy target. I managed to overcome both of these problems by the end of my primary school years, even gaining a few friends in a common hobby.
All along the way when teachers talked to me about being bullied, they promised me a clean slate when I went to highschool, saying that I could make new friends etc etc. This however was not the case, as due to a boy that went to my old school simply blabbing onto my colleagues about all the stupid things I did in primary school and to stay away from me because I was a "freak", my social awkwardness, and me getting very sick within 3 weeks of school begginning basically put me immediately in the group known as "those guys". "Those guys" as in those guys who have no friends and are into weird things like computers, painting, photography and video games. I became a social outcast and fell into depression.
Almost every night I would (and still do) lay in bed awake for hours thinking about how to fix my problems, trying to find people to blame and all the negative things in the world. Often I would end up crying, and would hug my pillow to get to sleep. Over time a realized that I greatly over analyzed things, but that didn't stop me from thinking about these things.
Only now that it's summer holidays (7 weeks of no school), I have had time to really think about things, and I have finally realized why I am like who I am. I solely am the cause of my troubles. I constantly blame everybody else for my problems, never considering how much of an idiot I am. I exploit and use people for all they are worth, and give nothing back. I am extremely materialistic, and will often put my one and only friend out of the way to play a videogame or to work so I can buy that new piece of camera or bike equipment. And all of this revolves around my severe self-centered personality.
Now I don't know what to think. I constantly consider suicide, but and trying to not think about doing it because of all of the hurt it would cause to my family and that it is extremely self centered (I'm trying to change this). I go into extreme philosophical states where I just over analyze issues. I don't care about school any more, neither do I care for the whole popularity game. I can finally see how pathetic the whole world is: no matter what you show to me, everybody at their core is greedy and is after something, and in no way does this exclude myself or yourself. My personality has become extremely passive, I accept anybodies views and beliefs, and generally don't care for standing up for myself.
At the end of the day, this entire post is for help. I am asking of anybody to give any advice they can on getting out of this rut I am firmly rooted in, ranging from anything on strategies on how to handle social situations (please don't give me that "be yourself" crap, I've heard it all before) to avoiding negative thoughts.
If you need any more information on myself I'm happy to answer.
-Sam
i know you said you're pushing against suicide, and you should. despite how bad you have it, itll fuck up your family to the point where they have it worse than you at the moment. i've seen famiiles fall apart due to suicide, and thats really hard to see. just stick in there bro :love:
You're like me, though I wasn't really fat. But my dad was abusive.
When you're at the end of the rope, HANG TIGHT!
[QUOTE=Maddude7;19527350]i know you said you're pushing against suicide, and you should. despite how bad you have it, itll fuck up your family to the point where they have it worse than you at the moment. i've seen famiiles fall apart due to suicide, and thats really hard to see. just stick in there bro :love:[/QUOTE]
This.
It's selfish, you'll be gone, no worries, but you have to think of other people too.
[quote=The Salmon]Only now that it's summer holidays (7 weeks of no school)[/quote]
The summer holidays? Wait isn't it January?
[QUOTE=ryanmh;19527458]The summer holidays? Wait isn't it January?[/QUOTE]
It could be Australia... where it's hot in the winter?... wait but that's still the winter.
Wtf?
[QUOTE=ChestyMcGee;19527523]It could be Australia... where it's hot in the winter?... wait but that's still the winter.
Wtf?[/QUOTE]
oh christ.
southern hemisphere, so its not their winter its their summer
you kinda added the sums right and still managed to get the wrong answer, lol
Just help random people that have been told that you have a short fuse and stuff. Like, if they drop something pick it up for them, etc. Peoples image of you would change for the better.
Australia.
don't expect to have friends when you're a selfcentered ass
[QUOTE=The Salmon;19527600]Australia.[/QUOTE]
Depression is a state of mind, I actually like the feeling of being depressed, not having to worry about anything.
I'm supposed to be taking Zoloft but I don't because I don't want to become a person everyone knows when i'm on them.
If you don't try to get out of it, you won't.
You [B]HAVE [/B]to try. <3
[editline]07:40AM[/editline]
[QUOTE=woodhead;19527650]don't expect to have friends when you're a selfcentered ass[/QUOTE]
Prick.
I'm 14 and I used to be a social outcast, and I got irritated about primary school. I simply ignored it however, and this year, with German students mixing into our lessons (doubling the amount of pupils that are intractable), I've made far more friends just by trying to be more confident and it seems I'm no longer an outcast.
One thing I had to learn before I got out of a pit like that is that people aren't always out to get you and people respond very well to kindness.
I know how you feel man, I get that too sometimes. AND my name is Sam aswell.:tinfoil:
[QUOTE=Shibbey;19527701]I know how you feel man, I get that too sometimes. AND my name is Sam aswell.:tinfoil:[/QUOTE]
Us commoners...
Also thanks everybody for the mature responses so far, everybody be quiet so we don't wake up the worse half of Facepunch.
I'll be your friend, send me your steam name in a PM or something, or just add me from my button under my name. :hfive:
[QUOTE=The Salmon;19527743]Us commoners...
Also thanks everybody for the mature responses so far, everybody be quiet so we don't wake up the worse half of Facepunch.[/QUOTE]
Seriously though, It's all up to [B]you.[/B]
People won't notice your depressed unless it's severe, Imo the fact that your posting this is that you have realised it bothers you and you are "Crying out" for help.
I can tell you, being put in a cell is probably like hell.
...As i have been many a friday.
i'm the same way, all the way. fat and short fused... my "friends" are litterally scared of me because i've been a bitch for 10+ years... and i'm a lad... so, i'm attemting to fix this by behaving calmly and nice. being funny was always my strong side so i use that alot too.
during boarding school i earned 100+ friends and everyone liked me. the year after there were a newyears party. everyone invited... cept me... i got insanely depressed. got in a row with my closest friend... our relationship got strained after that. a year went by and another newyears party without me. depression kicked in at an insane level since i'd been in contact with MANY of them since last year and we got along... no one ver gave a thought about me. my life meant shit, not only to me but to everyone. my excistence did not affect anyone and my actions, thoughts and feelings had no bearings on anyones actions.when i attempted to call up a friend seeking consolation, she just hung up; "maan, i really don't have the energy for this"... yeah, thanks for the help mate. if i'd been stupid enough to kill myself afterwards you'd been scarred for life.
well, a few days went by and she called me up... we talked about it. and now we seem closer than ever... i mean, we were extremely close and we used to be able to talk about everything. but for a period, she hadn't told me anything. like "hey, i got new clothes" me being a boy don't care and try to answer in an interesting fashion "uhmm, ok. tell me bout them". after 3 months of silence. she had bucketloads of stuff to tell me, and i got all fuzzy inside. life as i knew and loved it had returned to stay.
as it is now, i've got a newyear depression incoming for an unknown amount of years, and i can't do shit about it.
did this make sence? i just kinda wrote it as i remembered it... it's kinda messy.
but an advice for people... ef a depressed dude calls you up, don't EVER shrug him off, it could scar you for life... deeply.
TL:DR: i'm the same way. been scrapped for two newyearsparties with all my friends and i can look forward to an untold number of newyear depressions of years to come because of it....
but i've got a friend back too, and that's awesome. still, fuck all those people who called themselves my friends... up yours-
oh, and advice... be natural... in the normal way. no angerfits, be nice and funny. be a wellbalanced individual and join the fun stuff. show em you're not a bitch anymore.
In otherwords. don't kill yourself. just power through like a steam train through a toddler.
A few months from now things will be good and you'll look back thanking you didnt kill yourself.
Just dont do it.
This should help you:
"The one who smiles rather than angers is always stronger."
So just keep smiling, make sure you don't give the bullies the response they want, if they say something about your weight just say "Yea you're right." and walk away. They will be taken back by your response.
[QUOTE=Bomimo;19527879]
well, a few days went by and she called me up... we talked about it. and now we seem closer than ever... i mean, we were extremely close and we used to be able to talk about everything. but for a period, she hadn't told me anything. like "hey, i got new clothes" me being a boy don't care and try to answer in an interesting fashion "uhmm, ok. tell me bout them". after 3 months of silence. she had bucketloads of stuff to tell me, and i got all fuzzy inside. life as i knew and loved it had returned to stay.
[/QUOTE]
I didn't really read but if that's about a girl, Don't open up to her right away.
To Bomimo
I don't want to be pushy or anything, but for me, if a girl would actually talk to me at all and if I even had a chance of going to any type of party, I would be in undiscovered territory.
Do you live in Australia?
By the way, what was the name of that cool guy who made that thread about how everyone's a whiney bitch because he had a shitty childhood but he still loved it and turned out fine anyway. Started with an L. He had that picture of himself looking like a police mugshot.
[QUOTE=Nikarial;19527899]A few months from now things will be good and you'll look back thanking you didnt kill yourself.
Just dont do it.[/QUOTE]
It's been about 3-4 months like this now, I want to get better but I don't know where to start.
[QUOTE=Ryzo;19527900]This should help you:
"The one who smiles rather than angers is always stronger."
So just keep smiling, make sure you don't give the bullies the response they want, if they say something about your weight just say "Yea you're right." and walk away. They will be taken back by your response.[/QUOTE]
Tried that ages ago, still do, doesn't help. My weight isn't as much of an issue though these days, mostly my social awkwardness and my outcast adopted paranoia. I always view something else says as negative and that really worries me.
[QUOTE=Weirdo009;19527905]I didn't really read but if that's about a girl, Don't open up to her right away.[/QUOTE]
i'm not aiming for a relationship with her... we've been insanely close friends for 3 years...
but thanks, i know the drill too. it'll just freak them out.
what my problem was that she seemed to have distanced herself from me for about 3 months... then yesterday she called me up and bombed me with alot of what we usually talked about, and that was great, because i'd missed with all my heart...
even though it's about girly shit and such i'd missed it... and i like how she gets an insane satisfaction from saying game names untill i recognize one... it's kinda funny the way she sees games.
our friendship is weird and special... and incomprehendable to anyone but us it seems.
[editline]04:17PM[/editline]
[QUOTE=The Salmon;19528164]It's been about 3-4 months like this now, I want to get better but I don't know where to start.
Tried that ages ago, still do, doesn't help. My weight isn't as much of an issue though these days, mostly my social awkwardness and my outcast adopted paranoia. I always view something else says as negative and that really worries me.[/QUOTE]
keep working that smile, preferably with some peple you know and some that you don't know... it's what helped me...
if the people of the past suddently see that other people find you cool and good to be around. they might reevaluate.
[QUOTE=Faren;19528077]Do you live in Australia?
By the way, what was the name of that cool guy who made that thread about how everyone's a whiney bitch because he had a shitty childhood but he still loved it and turned out fine anyway. Started with an L. He had that picture of himself looking like a police mugshot.[/QUOTE]
Sunkist or something
[QUOTE=Thead Teckub;19528232]Sunkist or something[/QUOTE]
Aha! It was Lankist!
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