"Baby's first natural male enhancement pill," or "Stop making absurd baby products."
107 replies, posted
I was recently hired on as a member of the Flow team for a Target Superstore in my area. My job's duties, in a nutshell, are to unload the trucks in the morning and move all the merchandise to the floor. It's not a bad gig, the pay's alright and the hours are fine and it's pretty high-energy, but there is one particular aspect of it that irks me: stocking the 'Baby' section.
It's not that the baby section is more challenging to stock than the others, or even that it smells like spilled baby lotion and regret (which it very sincerely does). My ire stems from the absurd array of outlandish baby products that companies and parents seem to feel are essential for the health, well-being, and future virility of their newborn children.
The first boxes in the isles are always innocent enough (baby lotion, diaper powder, pacifiers and the like), but as you delve deeper in the stock things just get weirder. This morning I had to locate the baby suntan oil, and as I was moving the product onto the shelf, I couldn't help but imagine what kind of parent would walk into a Target and say to one of the helpful team members, "I need my baby to get a wicked tan. Got anything that could help me out?"
Across the isle is the Assorted Diaper Wall. Something I've learned about diapers is that rather than printing in clear and discernible language exactly what that particular type and brand of diaper is meant to be used for (newborns, night-time, play-time, what-have-you), the diaper manufacturers decided it would instead be far funnier to just put pictures of babies doing approximately whatever activity that particular diaper's function caters to. On the right you have the [i]"happy Asian toddler throwing his hands into the air with joy as he shits into a training potty"[/i] brand, and on the left you've got the [i]"Concerned Latin baby inspecting her crotchal region as she pushes a big ball around"[/i] brand of diaper.
The customers in the baby isle are often very strange themselves, so maybe the ability to decode this absurd filing method just comes with parenthood. It seems unlikely, though, because customers still very frequently need help discerning whether or not their baby needs shark repellent or a tiny motorcycle, and exactly which happy non-Caucasian-baby-featuring diaper brand is best for their child. They'll hold up a bag of [i]"frightened-looking newborn Indian baby laying motionless on his back"[/i] diapers and ask, "is this kind of diaper okay for my baby?"
"Is your baby a newborn?" I'll ask. For some reason, most non-applicable customers recoil from this question and respond in a tone of voice that suggests I'd just accused their baby of being a gangbanger. "What? No! [i](He's just mixed up with a bad crowd!)"[/i]
"Alright," I'll say, "You're gonna want to look for the [i]'Bewildered black baby with cornrows staring at something off-camera'[/i] diapers on the top shelf."
Once I've put up the last of the baby prom dresses and musical toilet seats, I usually pause to wonder how babies in ancient times ever lived without all this supposedly essential frivolity. Did babies in Ancient Rome grow up with severe physical and mental defects if somebody didn't a strum a lyre while they shat or use the appropriate brand of massage oil when working out the baby's kinks after a long day of toddler-pilates?
Maybe I'm picking at the stitches here, but it seems to me that the modern world of child-rearing is entirely too complicated. When I have children, I intend to raise them on a strict diet of breast milk and Diet Dr. Pepper (don't want them getting fat) until they're old enough to hunt their own food or resourceful enough to steal it from other babies.
why is everything related to a baby creepy to me
:smith:
..oh god orange babies
:smug:
tans
:smug: :smug:
Babys are self conscience too. :colbert:
Babies are a huge market, they never go out of fashion.
[QUOTE=Insane516;29574203]why is everything related to a baby creepy to me
:smith:
..oh god orange babies
:smug:
tans
:smug: :smug:[/QUOTE]
Probably because babies are creepy. I have never, ever, in my entire life, said, "cute baby," and meant it.
Do those baby virility pills actually exist?
My brother's wife is one of the people that buy this shit. Pisses me off.
I avoid the baby aisles in supermarkets for just that reason. Something about it seems awkward and unjust. Maybe it's just because I'm so young.
[QUOTE=Insane516;29574203]why is everything related to a baby creepy to me
:smith:
..oh god orange babies
:smug:
tans
:smug: :smug:[/QUOTE]
I saw an orange baby once.
He died shortly thereafter. :smith:
On topic, babies are a huge market. With new mothers becoming younger by the year, the business is taking advantage of a naive, easily impressionable college-age demographic, that will do anything to fit in with their peers.
[QUOTE=MountainWatcher;29574479]Do those baby virility pills actually exist?[/QUOTE]
Yes, they're between the baby snake-repellent and the baby anxiety pills (though those might be for the parents. I really can't be sure).
This reminds me of Daniel Tosh's little tidbit about a David Beckham/Brad Pitt crossbreed baby that he said he would like to fuck. I can only imagine a baby like that would need tanning oil.
Also, he would need baby hair styling tools and baby highlights.
oh god, the future kids will be fucked up
Baby beer!
[editline]2nd May 2011[/editline]
Wait, wait, no. EMBREOTYC BEER
[QUOTE=ExplodingGuy;29574519]I saw an orange baby once.
He died shortly thereafter. :smith:
On topic, babies are a huge market. With new mothers becoming younger by the year, the business is taking advantage of a naive, easily impressionable college-age demographic, that will do anything to fit in with their peers.[/QUOTE]
Mothers becoming younger?
I don't know if the situation is different in the US, but I thought the general trend in Western countries was that first time mothers, on average, are getting older.
[QUOTE=Chrille;29574623]Mothers becoming younger?
I don't know if the situation is different in the US, but I thought the general trend in Western countries was that first time mothers, on average, are getting older.[/QUOTE]
I'm not sure. I've seen a lot of 15 year olds getting knocked up.
[QUOTE=garychencool;29574607]oh god, the future kids will be fucked up[/QUOTE]
But at least they will have nice tans!
I saw baby Mini-skirts in a clothing store before. :smithicide:
baby condoms
[QUOTE=edberg;29574682]baby condoms[/QUOTE]
They grow up soooo fast.
[QUOTE=TEH_TPMASTER;29574644]I'm not sure. I've seen a lot of 15 year olds getting knocked up.[/QUOTE]
Yes, but that is no longer considered normal like it was 70-100 years ago.
[QUOTE=Kingy_why;29574838]Yes, but that is no longer considered normal like it was 70-100 years ago.[/QUOTE]
Point taken.
[QUOTE=Chrille;29574623]Mothers becoming younger?
I don't know if the situation is different in the US, but I thought the general trend in Western countries was that first time mothers, on average, are getting older.[/QUOTE]
No way, most suburban girls dive headfirst into motherhood before they're even out of highschool. If they time it just right, they can go directly from their graduation ceremony to the hospital. In these cases, I believe it's customary to just give your graduation cap to the baby rather than throw it into the air.
Your sense of humor is drier than the Sahara.
Don't feed your kid any diet-coke or diet-dr.pepper or diet-whatever, those products use sweetener instead of sugar or whatever, they do more harm than sugar.
Reading your threads is like reading a good book. I love them.
[QUOTE=DrLuke;29575192]Don't feed your kid any diet-coke or diet-dr.pepper or diet-whatever, those products use sweetener instead of sugar or whatever, they do more harm than sugar.[/QUOTE]
What the fuck would you kno... oh wait you're a doctor, whatever you say.
I too work in a department store.
I'm in recovery, which sort of helps people in bda's department by tidying up, taking the damaged and stolen out back, and putting away returns. Returns being shit customers pick up, carry away, then decide they don't want anymore and just shove somewhere.
In our baby department, you find stuff like empty baby food jars and soiled nappies, I shit you not.
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