How to tell your child is a hacker - A funny satire that the OP thought was real - General

[url]http://www.jayssite.com/stuff/childhacker/childhacker.html[/url] Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I thought it belonged here. [quote]There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.[/quote] Books make you a hacker. [quote]If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.[/quote] AMD makes you a hacker too! [quote]Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".[/quote] WHY IS THERE NO MOUSE?!?! WHAT IS THIS HORSE DOING HERE!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS FLASH? IS THIS PORN?!?!?!? ARE YOU HACKING?!?!?! [quote]6. Does your son use Quake? Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school. If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.[/quote] Wow, I'm a hacker and I didn't even know it! [quote]8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"? BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone. Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional. If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface. [/quote] Are you fucking kidding me? He didn't even spell Linux right. Also, there was a picture of tux included with this part. [quote]Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.[/quote] What? Sorry if this is old, I seem to remember reading something about quake and day-glo colors and glowsticks and shit like that once while searching my parent's history. (There's some funny shit in there. May post later if I find anything funny.)

So, so clock and so, so box.

This is p old, bro.

Goddamn Lunix users. Uhh I think is fake, the Lunix section isn't a misinterpretation, it's just plain satire.

Hackers can turn your home computer into a BOMB

Oh no, Hackers train in the form of firearms on quake because that is totally relevant.

What do you mean "unintentional" the entire article is supposed to be satire.

Is this like one of those chain email kind of things?

Oh, T. Reginald Gibbons, you are a hero among old farts.

confusion never stops cl-- Y'know what, I don't care if this is old. It's still amazing.

hackers bang M.O.Ms

Shit, I suck. This is everywhere. Mods, close the thread if you see fit, I'm sure you know as well as I do that it is really really damn late.

Oh shit I have an AMD processor. I was a hacker this whole time and didn't even know.

I have no idea where you got the idea this was serious.

lol I like their book list I found Cryptonomicon by Stephenson kind of dry, and not paced very well. The technological info was accurate though. Neuromancer by Gibson is a lot more exciting, and I like the atmosphere that it paints, although it's more sci-fi and makes up a lot of things, instead of using real technology and math like Stephenson. (I still have Snow Crash on hold at the library, so I might give Stephenson another chance.)

stop

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[QUOTE=Kim Il-Sung;18344131]Hackers can turn your home computer into a BOMB[/QUOTE] [img_thumb]http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u72/gufu1992/glueback.png[/img_thumb] On the subject of topic and my 3k post... well, appearently hackers attend rave parties and use child labor. So, they are pretty much, low-level villains from a cartoon. CAPTAIN AMERICA! WE WILL MEET AGAIN!

not only are you late, but this is also satire you dense fuck

what the fuck at the bottom left corner

it's not real.

I still lol at the "lunix"

[QUOTE=M2k3;18344161]What do you mean "unintentional" the entire article is supposed to be satire.[/QUOTE] hurpderpthis

So it's pretty much intentional comedy by a very smart man then. Everyone already knows this. [QUOTE=demonguard;18344414]not only are you late, but this is also satire you dense fuck[/QUOTE] Internet tuff guy

CNN tells me my microsoft isn't even Y2K compatible!

you are wrong

This is like if all of a sudden the clouds got dark...then wind settled and when you walk out into the open looking up wondering what is happening...a blue clock falls from the sky and hits you in your face and breaks your nose.

I remember a thread a while back that talked about this, it was a kid asking for help after his mother took it seriously and thought he was a hacker. :v:

Hackers raped my mom

With Lunix.