[IMG]http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/8431/titleja.jpg[/IMG]
So, it's Saturday night and you [I]still [/I]haven't done that essay? Remember? That essay you were assigned on Tuesday but you never bothered with it because you have no idea how to take your prompt; "The school is deciding to switch to uniforms. Do you support/not support this? Why or why not?" and fit it into the necessary criteria to get a good grade?
Look no further. This is a quick, easy read on how to make your essays seem rather godlike in terms of length, content and not to forget, information. I'm going to show you how to write one hell of an essay that will leave your teachers either slouching over their desk in boredom or drooling all over it in awe because you can actually write effectively and efficiently, without any major drawbacks or issues to your writing style and comprehensive skills.
[IMG]http://img836.imageshack.us/img836/7456/introduction.jpg[/IMG]
Firstly, if you have not noticed, I'm already showing you a major trick, and that trick is: commas are your friend. Fuck sentences. It's easy as hell to write a sentence and span it out to the length of three or four with little to no use of commas whatsoever, and still manage to provide content and length. See what I did there?
Stop writing a sentence in this manner. Stop doing stuff like this. This statement is not a sentence (technically it is.) Sentences, in my book, must reach a certain length and contain a specific degree of information with little to no repetition before it can be used in your paragraph.
So let's start from the ground up. The initial thing to do is to analyze your prompt.
[IMG]http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/8933/analyzeprompt.jpg[/IMG]
You're sitting in class and you're told that you'll have to write an essay. "Well, fuck" you think. You start to wonder what it will be about. You're mind is probably completely empty. Your teacher hands you a prompt sheet, and then you stare at it and don't even know where to start writing because you're an uncreative cock.
That's when you break it down. Take the prompt, and put it in your own words and seriously give it thought. It doesn't matter if you like the prompt or not. It's an assignment and you need to write about it. So start thinking.
Most teachers, at this point, either put on a really long ass lecture about how to write a paper, or expect you to know already and give you the rest of the class time to write it.
In my experience, it's the former.
When my teacher is up there explaining hooks and thesis statements and venn diagrams and thought webs I'm already halfway through a rough draft of my essay. I don't fuck with making a thought web. Those have never helped me, they just waste time and frankly, make it even harder to concentrate because it's limiting my capacity to write by a hell of a lot. The reason being I end up following a strict outline, and I don't think that's what writing is [I]entirely [/I]about unless it's a research paper.
[IMG]http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/7600/thinking.jpg[/IMG]
[I]- Bruce Lee[/I]
When I write a paper, I don't spend too much time thinking about the prompt. Otherwise I'll never ever write my paper. The best thing to do is write about how you honestly feel on the subject, otherwise you'll end up like me in junior high where I always got bad grades on my papers because I sat there too afraid to voice my real opinion on things, and instead chose a 0 over spending the time to write a good paper.
What you need to do instead is put all of your thoughts on the subject down on paper, but at the same time semi-organize it. Don't just jumble it all up in an in-comprehensive mess of words, otherwise you'll end up trying to make out what the hell you were writing in class when you go home to do your rough draft.
What I usually do is this. Say I'm told to write journals for my sociology class and they have to be about any discussions I thought were interesting. I have to write three one page journals, all single spaced, and they're due next week on the very day I'm assigned them. The first thing I'll do is think about that very day. Think about what we discussed and what I found interesting. I choose to write about the Stanly Milgram shock experiments, the discussion over rehabilitation vs. retribution, and various articles the class read over countercultures and subcultures.
[IMG]http://img529.imageshack.us/img529/9506/step1n.jpg[/IMG]
As the image reads, fuck everybody else. This is [I]your[/I] paper. You want it to be the best god damn paper that will ever grace the face of the earth. You want your teacher to think "Good god, this kid knows how to write and he's damn good at it." People will look at your paper in utter awe. They will be so amazed from the symbols which you have printed onto your parchment with a stick of wood and sharp graphite that they'll hate you because they know their paper is shit.
[IMG]http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/3184/step2a.jpg[/IMG]
Don't be afraid to be the over achiever. Fuck limitations. If you're told to write a one page paper, go to two unless told otherwise (as some teachers want you to size things down and make it all simple and concise.)
When you hit two, if you need more, write more. Let your imagination flow. You're the artist, the paper is your canvas, and the pencil is your tool. Forget the boundaries. The only thing limiting the length of your paper is how much you're willing to write and how much paper you have to spare.
I usually do this. I'm that faggot that turns in five pages of pure gold while you're the loser who turns in that puny half-page piece of shit. You didn't even put it in the right margins. You intentionally put the rest of it in block form to make it look like you took up more space. [I]Oh you![/I]
[IMG]http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/3237/fillers.jpg[/IMG]
I tend to use a lot of rather large, seemingly obnoxious words. Words like "preposterous" when I want to say "that's baffling", or "ridiculously" when I want to say "incredibly." Sure, they're all about the same length, but en masse they can ridiculously impact the grand total size and length of your parchment, no matter what you do. And they make you look like a fucking [I]god.[/I] When people read this they will bow down and kiss your feet, I shit you not.
So, use big words! Preferably words you know. If you're shooting for a comedic satire, then doing what I did in the sentences above is great.
[IMG]http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/9484/organize.jpg[/IMG]
Next, organize your rough draft. Always.
Your first paper on a subject will [I]never[/I] be the best paper you can write unless you were simultaneously marking and changing things on a draft like some robot. There's always room for improvement. After you put your pencil down, rest your hands and look at your paper like a boss, you'll start noticing all the flaws.
At this point, I reread it about five times. Mostly just to fuel my enormous inflated ego. But a small fraction is to catch errors. And then I fix those errors. I re-write my paper, organizing it further, moving sentences and paragraphs around, changing punctuation marks, editing numbers and double-checking information. I never let a single flaw go unnoticed.
[IMG]http://img801.imageshack.us/img801/6719/step3m.jpg[/IMG]
To make this process easier, I resort to peer editing. Just like scientists who present their theories to huge boards of colleagues, I present my papers to my friends on Steam. I ask them what they think of it, how I can improve it, what I can do to make it shorter/longer (depending on circumstances) and even ask for good synonyms if I feel it's too repetitive. Your friends are your tools.
Most of my friends tell me what they think I should add and what they like/dislike. They even point out any grammatical errors I missed. I do this with multiple friends for mixed results. The more, the merrier.
However this is virtually useless if you get a 50/50 thing going on. E.g. "I love this bit/I hate this bit" or "That's a good writing style/that's a shitty writing style." Then you're pretty much fucked and just have to go with who you think has the best opinion. [I]But remember, step one. [/I]Fuck everybody else. Don't side with someone just because you look up to them. Do what you want to do because you want to do it. It's [I]your[/I] paper. Not theirs.
[IMG]http://img827.imageshack.us/img827/586/finishw.jpg[/IMG]
After you've done all of that, re-read your paper again. Smile at all of it. Take pride in the paper your blood and sweat has just forged. Think to yourself "[I]This is one great paper, I'm getting a mother fucking A on this bitch.[/I]"
Go in on the due date, smile with the biggest, baddest, smuggest face and say "Yeah. this is my paper. Look at that. Look at that shit." And then return to your desk and just watch in pity as you see everyone's papers on their way to turn it in. You look down and nod back and forth in a mixture of pride, sadness, and faith.
[IMG]http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/5365/aftermath.jpg[/IMG]
Assuming you did everything correctly, you should not be stressing out over what grade you got on your paper, but rather embracing it. "I know I got an A on that, there's no reason I should worry." You get your paper back. Those final seconds come when you're waiting for your teacher to call your name. They etch closer and closer to your name on the class roster, each name call instills a sharp feeling of anxiety mixed with pride and guilt. Sweat dripping from your face. {sp]Your cock as hard as a rock.{/sp]
Your name is called. Nervous and jittery, you get out of your seat and grab your paper in despair and worry. On your way back you flip it over and see it.
Circled, a big red letter lays before you. A letter which will be in your mind from now and forever. A letter which will be burned into your head. A letter which can never be unseen.
An F.
[I]"But Haloguy! You said I would get an A! WHAT HAPPENED?"
[/I]I'll tell you what happened.
You got an F because you actually followed a guide on the internet rather than learning how to write papers yourself. Why don't you get off of your ass and quit looking up guides on how to write papers. After all, you're sitting at your computer 90% of the time. The time you spent reading this, you could have been doing that essay. But no. You got on Facepunch and saw this thread and decided to waste precious time reading it in the vain hope you would be good at writing essays.
[I]Wrong.[/I]
Go and read "How to write essays for Dummy's" if you're that desperate. Seriously. :colbert:
TL;DR: A friend of mine made a map of my school in Counter-Strike and is going to jail.
This might actually be useful, here have a heart because you taught me in the second section how to make filling content, and the rest of the guide was really good as well.
And no I won't get an F.
[i]I already wrote that essay.[/i]
I can't tell whether you're being satirical or not.
Fuck yes, this is how teachers should teach.
I don't need this, I find essays to be interesting so I ace those mother fuckers every time.
-snip- I got owned by the op...
taking writing tips from a user named [I]haloguy[/I]
eh fuck it why not.
-bad reading-
A note on the big words tip: One of my High school teacher's who majored in writing told us that good teacher's will see right through that. Only use it if you know your teacher isn't a very good one.
[QUOTE=haloguy234;24767797]
Circled in a big, red letter you see it. A letter which will be in your mind from now and forever. A letter which will be burned into your head. A letter which can never be unseen.
An F.
[I]"But Haloguy! You said I would get an A! WHAT HAPPENED?"
[/I]I'll tell you what happened.
You got an F because you actually followed a guide on the internet rather than learning how to write papers yourself. Why don't you get off of your ass and quit looking up guides on how to write papers. After all, you're sitting at your computer 90% of the time. The time you spent reading this, you could have been doing that essay. But no. You got on Facepunch and saw this thread and decided to waste precious time reading it in the vain hope you would be good at writing essays.
[I]Wrong.[/I]
Go and read "How to write essays for Dummy's" if you're that desperate. Seriously. :colbert:[/QUOTE]
:siren: Did no one actually read the whole thing? Here have some [img]http://www.facepunch.com/fp/rating/book_error.png[/img].
I just smoked a bowl and I'd automatically produce an excellent essay.
-snip- same as above... T.T
You're a behemoth, pretentious self-centered idiot if you think that using big words enhances your grammatical and comprehensive capability. I'm both baffled and appalled at this tutorial as a whole: it's insulting to the furthest of extremes.
[editline]10:08PM[/editline]
People who read essays can care less about your word usage: they care about the point being put across. You can use all of the intellect in the world to make your self-sucking words seem bigger than they are but at the end of the day if you don't have a clear message then you've blown the bucket.
[editline]10:09PM[/editline]
The OP is the biggest asshole/idiot I've ever seen and you should [b]NEVER[/b] take idiot-oriented tutorials like this to logic. Then again, if you were logical in the first place, you'd see past his facade and realize how big of a moron he is regardless of his use of thesaurus.com.
[QUOTE=69105;24768090]You're a behemoth, pretentious self-centered idiot if you think that using big words enhances your grammatical and comprehensive capability. I'm both baffled and appalled at this tutorial as a whole: it's insulting to the furthest of extremes.
[editline]10:08PM[/editline]
People who read essays can care less about your word usage: they care about the point being put across. You can use all of the intellect in the world to make your self-sucking words seem bigger than they are but at the end of the day if you don't have a clear message then you've blown the bucket.[/QUOTE]
Dumb that down for th rest of us, please.
[QUOTE=looneyxl;24768132]Dumb that down for th rest of us, please.[/QUOTE]
Using big words doesn't make your essay good; getting the point(s) across does. That's all that matters. Do you think college professors give a shit if you're an intellectual or not? Pfft, no. They care about making a quick buck once they realized that they weren't productive enough in the real world and that they might as well apply their petty bachelor's degree to something where they can look bigtime even though they're too dumb to pawn off any useful technical skills.
I'm in three writing classes at school. Have to write four essays this weekend. Thanks, OP!
I'm not in high school or college (yet) but I thought this thread was a good thread as essay's are my downfall.. but then I read the end. Oh well.
[QUOTE=69105;24768154]Using big words doesn't make your essay good; getting the point(s) across does. That's all that matters. Do you think college professors give a shit if you're an intellectual or not? Pfft, no. They care about making a quick buck once they realized that they weren't productive enough in the real world and that they might as well apply their petty bachelor's degree to something where they can look bigtime even though they're too dumb to pawn off any useful technical skills.[/QUOTE]
Thank you....
:frog:
Pretty good guide despite the end.
remember kids:
Put it off until 12 midnight the day it's due, because video games come first.
I did not bother to read it but I will bookmark it incase I do.
Basically this is all common sense stuff you should've noticed by the end of 5th grade.
How would it get you an F? I do exactly what you wrote about, and fail to get less than an 80%.
nope guess I should read an entire post, well fuck that
ITT no one gets the subtle irony throughout and half of the readers didn't read the ending.
[QUOTE=demonguard;24768931]ITT no one gets the subtle irony throughout and half of the readers didn't read the ending.[/QUOTE]
Thank you.
I'm sorely disappointed in you, FP. :saddowns:
Then again it's only 12:30. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.
Well, I for one particularly disagree with a few points you made in your post.....
Derp
[QUOTE=mysteryman;24768379]remember kids:
Put it off until 12 midnight the day it's due, because video games come first.[/QUOTE]
hey that's what I'm doing right now
it's going good
[QUOTE=looneyxl;24771602]Well, I for one particularly disagree with a few points you made in your post.....
Derp[/QUOTE]
asdfwgfwgtwty
You're missing [I]the point.[/I]
I want my old FP back. :(
[QUOTE=haloguy234;24767797]
[IMG]http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/8933/analyzeprompt.jpg[/IMG]
You're sitting in class and you're told that you'll have to write an essay. "Well, fuck" you think. You start to wonder what it will be about. [B]You're mind[/B] is probably completely empty. Your teacher hands you a prompt sheet, and then you stare at it and don't even know where to start writing because you're an uncreative cock.
[/QUOTE]
your*
F- see me after class
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