The horrors of evolution: the 10 freakiest animals of speculative biology - Polidicks

[url=http://io9.com/5695323/the-horrors-of-evolution-10-freakiest-animals-of-speculative-biology/gallery/?skyline=true&s=i]Source[/url] [release]Scottish geologist, illustrator, and speculative zoologist Dougal Dixon has made his career dreaming up dozens of fictional creatures shaped by evolution gone bonkers. Here are 10 of his creations who seemingly escaped from the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual. We've mentioned our love of Dixon's [url=http://io9.com/5686914/20-awesome-scifi-dinosaurs-who-survived-extinction/gallery/]never-was dinosaur menagerie[/url] before, but he's worked on several projects about speculative biology. His most notable speculative endeavors include: — [I]After Man: A Zoology of the Future[/I] (1981), which details the rise of rodents and other critters 50 million years from now. — [I]The New Dinosaurs: An Alternative Evolution[/I] (1988), which is about a world where the K-T extinction event never happened. — [I]Man After Man: An Anthropology of the Future [/I](1990), a book about man's genetically engineered descendants. — [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eqMK-9qYvk][I]The Future Is Wild[/I][/url] (2003), a documentary similar to [I]After Man[/I], but about [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KszDwLtnILQ&feature=related]monkey-like tree squids[/url]. Most of Dixon's chimeras resemble modern-day creatures, as they occupy evolutionary niches familiar to modern-day humans. But some of his speculative beasts are unadulterated nightmare fuel (Man After Man is by far the worst, what with [url=http://www.sivatherium.narod.ru/library/Dixon_3/pics/p0112.jpg]its sabertooth yetis[/url] and other horrors). The following 10 creations that will make you pray for a robot uprising and a supervolcano...at the same time. [quote][img]http://cache-01.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_10_02.png[/img] [B]The Tic from Man [I]After Man[/I][/B] In [I]Man After Man[/I], genetically superior humans abandon a polluted Earth to colonize space. The remaining Homo sapiens tinker with their gene codes for a thousand years to achieve immortality. One such species is the Tic, who graft back-up organs and limbs onto their bodies like Mr. Potato-Head made flesh.[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_16_02.png[/img] [B]The Horrane and Raboons from [I]After Man[/I][/B] 50 million years in the future, carnivorous apes hunt on the African plains. The creepiest are the leopard-like horrane and 7-foot-tall fanged baboons. They need to reboot [I]Planet of the Apes[/I] with these guys — the movie will last five minutes.* *Speaking of which, you can watch [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS0vMxYYz8U&feature=related]stop-motion versions of these horror apes[/url] from a Japanese documentary based on [I]After Man[/I].[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_15_02.png[/img] [B]The Slobber from [I]After Man[/I][/B] Meanwhile in Australia, the slobber — a barely moving, blind, marsupial sloth that catches insects with strands of mucous and is covered in parasitic algae — grows its young out of its torso. This creature lost the genetic lottery a hundered times over.[/quote] [quote][media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cit1owiLEDc&feature=player_embedded[/media] [B]The Slithersucker from [I]The Future is Wild[/I][/B] 200 million years in the future, a giant slime mold consumes flying fish in the northern forests of a new Pangea-like continent. It looks like the set of the [I]Super Mario Bros[/I]. movie and enjoys traveling in [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRI7G0WplSM&feature=related]giant forest squids' brains[/url]. So yeah, the future will be written by Gary Gygax and H.P. Lovecraft. [/quote] [quote][img]http://cache-03.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_11_01.png[/img] [B]The Gourmand from [I]The New Dinosaurs[/I][/B] This one's more depressing than unpalatable. The gourmand is the future relative of the Tyrannosaurus Rex — it's a 60-foot-long, 15-ton armless scavenger that wanders around the South American pampas, consuming found corpses and sleeping. I mean, paleontologists are already calling the T-Rex's [url=http://io9.com/5333451/t-rexs-hunting-habits-disappoint-fans-of-carnage]badass credentials into question[/url], but it's disheartening to think that it would eventually evolve into the latter-day Orson Wells of the dinosaur world.[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache-03.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_6_02.png[/img] [B]The Vacuumorph from [I]Man after Man[/I][/B] 200 years from now, mankind will build starships in the vacuum of space with the help of genetically engineered star-humans. Apparently when we're building lifeboats to save the human race, some of us will become genital-less sentient bocce balls.[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache-02.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_13_02.png[/img] [B]The Night Stalker from [I]After Man[/I][/B] 50 million years from now, Hawaii will be overrun by flightless carnivore bats who eat anything with a pulse. It will be hell.[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache-01.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_18_02.png[/img] [B]The Coneater from [I]The New Dinosaurs[/I][/B] There's nothing wrong with this 10-foot-long hypsilophodont that roams the Russian coniferous forests, other than the fact that it's seemingly the Joe Camel of saurians. I motion to rename it "Erectodon."[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache-01.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_17_02.png[/img] [B]The parasite-men from [I]Man After Man[/I][/B] One of the recurring humanoids in [I]Man After Man[/I] are a colony of genetically engineered symbiotic yetis (don't ask). 2 million years from now, this relationship will turn parasitic and gross everyone out.[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_8_02.png[/img] [B]The engineered animals of humanity's ancestors from [I]Man after Man[/I][/B] In 5 million years, mankind's descendants return from the stars and begin to terraform Earth. They bring these guys, who resemble the Mindless Ones of Dormammu...[/quote] [quote][img]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_7_02.png[/img] ...and this guy, who is a sentient pile of suet. Three cheers for natural selection, everyone.[/quote][/release] :wtc:

How is this news though.

Why does it take 3 million years from the first to second phase of genetic engineering? You'd think the rate of development would be exponential, meaning the phases would have shorter waits between them due to increased scientific capacity. This thread is weird.

[QUOTE=sloppy_joes;26215943] This thread is weird.[/QUOTE] Tell me, did you have to go through the first picture or all of them to come to that conclusion?

[QUOTE=Fables;26215983]Tell me, did you have to go through the first picture or all of them to come to that conclusion?[/QUOTE] Show the internet to someone from the past, they might think it's a bit odd. Doesn't make it any less truthful though.

Definitely not in kansas.

I officially want [I]Man After Man[/I] now.

Horrane, Raboon, Seem somewhat plausible. Coneater, maybe back when dinos roamed. I can't think of a reason why the Gourmand wouldn't have arms. Everything else is far-fetched fantasy.

And yet future humans will make porn of all of them

[QUOTE=Alvaldi;26215920]How is this news though.[/QUOTE] Oh come on, it's "science", it's interesting! Just wanted to share it with the rest of FP... besides, some of them look pretty realistic; the first guy in the pic looks like it has [url=http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yintpyi-support-a.html]Neurofibromatosis[/url]...

[QUOTE=OvB;26216035]Horrane, Raboon, Seem somewhat plausible. Coneater, maybe back when dinos roamed. I can't think of a reason why the Gourmand wouldn't have arms. Everything else is far-fetched fantasy.[/QUOTE] It's evolved from the T-Rex and if it didn't need arms it's quite likely it would never evolve them.

I would shit my pants if I saw one of those Night Stalkers coming at me. Fuck.

[QUOTE=evilweazel;26216041]And yet future humans will make porn of all of them[/QUOTE] And Engineered Food Creature porn will be the most disturbing of them all.

[QUOTE=Pretiacruento;26216065]Oh come on, it's science, it's interesting! Just wanted to share it with the rest of FP... besides, some of them look pretty realistic; the first guy in the pic looks like it has [url=http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yintpyi-support-a.html]Neurofibromatosis[/url]...[/QUOTE] None of this is science it's "speculative biology". Otherwise known as people making up stuff with little or no factual information placed into the process. Virtually all of the pictured would die soon anyways, there is no way that an environment would be able to cater to an animal with such extreme biologies.

[QUOTE=littleicyman;26216135]And Engineered Food Creature porn will be the most disturbing of them all.[/QUOTE] That's an image I didn't want in my mind :gonk: [editline]22nd November 2010[/editline] [QUOTE=ExplodingGuy;26216153]None of this is science it's "speculative biology". Otherwise known as people making up stuff with little or no factual information placed into the process. Virtually all of the pictured would die soon anyways, there is no way that an environment would be able to cater to an animal with such extreme biologies.[/QUOTE] You're right... I take that back ;)

[quote][img]http://cache-01.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2010/11/picture_17_02.png[/img][/quote] This hole, it was made for me!

[QUOTE=ExplodingGuy;26216153]None of this is science it's "speculative biology". Otherwise known as people making up stuff with little or no factual information placed into the process. Virtually all of the pictured would die soon anyways, there is no way that an environment would be able to cater to an animal with such extreme biologies.[/QUOTE] Most of them are human, so they don't need an environment to cater to them, they change the environment as they need.

Speculative biology is such bullshit. I watched "The Future is Wild" back in 2003 and nothing made sense from a biological viewpoint. Fish with beaks and wings, super-sized carnivorous bees things, land-squid-elephants, etc.

The Vacuumorph is by far the most intriguing imo.

[QUOTE=ASmellyOgreV2;26216255]Speculative biology is such bullshit. I watched "The Future is Wild" back in 2003 and nothing made sense from a biological viewpoint. Fish with beaks and wings, super-sized carnivorous bees things, land-squid-elephants, etc.[/QUOTE] How doesn't it make sense?

I didn't feel like sleeping anyways. [editline]21st November 2010[/editline] [QUOTE=SL0WP0KE;26216288]The Vacuumorph is by far the most intriguing imo.[/QUOTE] Everything else is fucking terrifying.

[QUOTE=SL0WP0KE;26216288]The Vacuumorph is by far the most intriguing imo.[/QUOTE] And the most unlikely. No amount of genetic engineering or grafting can make something live without oxygen.

[QUOTE=Extroll;26216446]And the most unlikely. No amount of genetic engineering or grafting can make something live without oxygen.[/QUOTE] There are living creatures today that do not need oxygen

[IMG]http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/9130/capturekt.jpg[/IMG] By far the creepiest thing in this thread.

[QUOTE=Extroll;26216446]And the most unlikely. No amount of genetic engineering or grafting can make something live without oxygen.[/QUOTE] [img]http://sustainabledesignupdate.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/yeast.jpg[/img] [img]http://stephenwhitt.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/tree.jpg[/img] [img]http://igutek.scripts.mit.edu/terrascope/Algae2.jpg[/img] What has nature DONE?!

Nanobot technology will take away the need to make such horrible creators

why would we engineer food creatures to have human faces are geneticists just fucked up or something?

I have these books. They are pretty trippy.

[QUOTE=imasillypiggy;26216572]Nanobot technology will take away the need to make such horrible creators[/QUOTE] I would personally rather take genetic engineering over nano technology. I wouldn't like the idea of robots that can malfunction or have bugs living in my body.

[QUOTE=SL0WP0KE;26216288]The Vacuumorph is by far the most intriguing imo.[/QUOTE] I agree, that looks incredibly interesting