A sexual short story - General

This is a story I wrote and maybe you will like it. It is about Amy and Jean, two girls who are in their early 20s and who like to do sexual role-plays together. "On your knees slave!" My palms were itching from excitement when the words left my lips, seeing Jean's dirty smile when she understood and slowly sank down to the floor. "Hands behind your back lady!" I said in a strict but kinky voice. "Yes Mistress". She put the hands behind her back, with a devote look on her face. My prepared handcuffs snapped around her wrists so easily, and they wouldn't open without me allowing it. Petting her head I moved around and asked Jean "Now, you will obey my commands my little slave, won't you?" She had completely arrived in her character role and replied "Of course my Mistress, what can I do for you?" I started to get wet a little but I made sure to ignore it. I didn't want to break the intense atmosphere that was arising by showing it. "Be quiet, and put your forehead to the ground for a start!" Going behind her revealed the blue thong she was wearing, her skirt was now lying on her back. Seeing her like this made me wonder what to do next, there were so many possibilities! I decided give her a single unexpected spank right onto her thong which made her squeak. "You stay like this, you hear!" I quickly ran into the bedroom, got rid of my shoes and put on my special outfit for these occasions. High heels, no socks or stockings this time, no panties and a black bra. I also took the black dildo with me. "Good girl" I said, seeing as she was still in the position I left her in. "Thank you Mistress Amy" was her answer. "Here, I brought you something!" I pulled her thong down, and pressed my finger against her butthole. With no lubrication it didn't want to go right in of course. "Don't say a word until its in completely, or you will get punished!" Jean forced herself not to make a sound, you could hear her silently moaning behind closed lips. My finger was pressing, and I put a little more force on it, after all I can't treat my slave too nicely. I turned it back and forth until it was completely gone. "Be thankful!" I said, poking my finger deeper provocatively. "Thank you my Mistress!" she bursted, finally being able to break her silence. Her asshole felt warm around my finger, but I needed to up the pace a bit. In a sudden motion I pulled the finger out, although it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, Jean's loud moan followed. I sat down to my little slave girl, rubbing the finger gently under her nose. "You gotta smell it well, maybe I won't be as harsh with your next humiliations." She looked at me with her big eyes, smiling as she smelled. After a minute I proceeded to slip the finger into her mouth. "Be quick to lick it clean, and be thorough." After she was done, I pulled her up so she could follow me to the couch. My gesture showed her to go back on her knees, and I sat down on the couch. Holding them demonstratively in front of her, I ordered "Now worship my feet!" She had a surprised look on her face, I couldn't tell if fake or not. "Go, lick your Mistresses feet, its an honor!" Before she could do anything I opened my right shoe and let it slip away, pressing my toes onto her nose. "This is for hesitating! Breath, I wanna hear it." I smiled, seeing her down there, cuffed, kneeling, with her nose on my foot. Jean did as she was told, and I started slipping my toes into her mouth. "Suck them good, and then lick my sole!" Her tongue went all around my toes and then started to lick my sole. "You did better than I expected Slave. You can be happy my humiliations were so soft on you. I have a lot more in mind." Her smiling dirty again was definitely a challenge. And I will accept it.

You did better than I expected Slave

I take that as a compliment instead of the shitpost it seems to be, I'd rather have had something constructive or whatever else instead of a quote and nothing else.

The story was ok. There was a use of traditional words like handcuffs and terms like smell my finger/worship my feet. To get an edge on the competition you need to go that extra bit and either go humourous and use terms like "blasted my rape piss right over her tats" or ultra violent like "Listen to me cunt, you have 5 minutes to make me squirt or I'll stab your fucking eyes out and push then down my shaft". Another way is to write something sensual and go into extreme detail, putting the reader right in the story which I'm no good at. There is a sex stories forum somewhere I've fingered myself off to every once in a while. I'll have to dig the link out.

Eew

[QUOTE=Ruby Tuesday;21988793]Her asshole felt warm around my finger, but I needed to up the pace a bit. After a minute I proceeded to slip the finger into her mouth. "Be quick to lick it clean, and be thorough." [/QUOTE] You can get a lot of diseases doing that, y'know.

Kinky. Wouldn't mind being the slave. :whip:

h0t.

Needs more action

i was in on it untill she stuck her finger in her pooper.

why did she eat the poop???

^ is 12 years old. Anyway; I think you should write another one, except as Jewdozer said go into extreme detail and make it longer maybe. Right now there isn't enough material to really get someone off. :fh:

This is why I stop looking at the art forums...

[QUOTE=Heroms;22030320]^ is 12 years old.[/QUOTE] You call me twelve years old because I'm making fun of a short story that you like in which a girl is forced to lick her own ass juice. Brilliant job on having an (incorrect) elitist view of your own maturity and assuming my age based on a joke. Bravo, bravo. The story itself is poorly written so I didn't see the need to really critique. A rape roleplay story is not art in any way.

[QUOTE=DOG-GY;22031568]You call me twelve years old because I'm making fun of a short story that you like in which a girl is forced to lick her own ass juice. Brilliant job on having an (incorrect) elitist view of your own maturity and assuming my age based on a joke. Bravo, bravo. The story itself is poorly written so I didn't see the need to really critique. A rape roleplay story is not art in any way.[/QUOTE] If your post was meant to be a joke then you got the humor of a 12 year old, pal. You also seem to be having trouble reading or understanding because there is no rape in that story. oh, and, art is subjective. Also, chill out, why so defensive about your age.

He could at least be 14 or maybe 15. I didn't really find it poorly written and Heroms critique seems to be spot on. Also you claiming it is a rape story looks as if you didn't even read it.

[QUOTE=Heroms;22032173]If your post was meant to be a joke then you got the humor of a 12 year old, pal.[/QUOTE] If you don't understand inflection of the post then how can you determine how I meant to say it. I could have meant it to be any number of things. Why are you trying to stick an age on me based on a post that you read in one specific way? That's not really good judgmental skills. [QUOTE=Heroms;22032173]You also seem to be having trouble reading or understanding because there is no rape in that story. oh, and, art is subjective.[/QUOTE] It reads as "generic roleplay sex story" and it's akin to basically any other story of the like. Why should I differentiate it? Also slave is called slave because you don't have a choice. Hence, rape. Art is subjective but do you really expect me to write a few sentences about my day and expect everyone to believe it is really artistic? No. Same as how a story of a rp isn't true art. It's just a sex story and that's it. I'm not saying that if you have a sex scene or a rp in any story your work can not be art. I'm saying that this is not the place for the thread. [QUOTE=Heroms;22032173]Also, chill out, why so defensive about your age.[/QUOTE] I'm not angry, don't read anything I post as such. Why shouldn't I defend myself when you're categorizing me wrongly? Would you defend yourself if someone seriously said you were retarded? This is horribly off topic and I'm cutting my side off here because I don't care enough to argue over a story and me. [editline]07:55PM[/editline] [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032336]He could at least be 14 or maybe 15.[/QUOTE] Why are you jumping in? [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032336]I didn't really find it poorly written and Heroms critique seems to be spot on.[/QUOTE] Well are you really judging that on the basis of writing quality? Do you really feel that you've dedicated any time and effort into studying what makes good writing? Because I can say that I'm doing and have done exactly that. [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032336]Also you claiming it is a rape story looks as if you didn't even read it.[/QUOTE] Again why enter an argument that isn't yours? Obviously you barely read my post and misunderstood what I meant by it. See -> roleplay

Was just joking around. It is pretty obvious this wasn't written to win prices. Seems like he just wrote it out of boredom, so I don't think its poorly written for that. There is way worse out there. And yes, I am quite fond of literature in more than one language, but would you go to a godzilla movie and yell "its poorly written and needs no critique" around? I doubt its trying to be sophisticated. And going into some thread posting "Why did she eat poop" is nothing more than shitposting. If you don't want to give critique then there is no need to post.

[QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032503]I'm just making a joke, don't get mad. : )[/QUOTE] No problem then not mad either [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032503]It is pretty obvious this wasn't written to win prices. Seems like he just wrote it out of boredom, so I don't think its poorly written for that. There is way worse out there. [/QUOTE] Well I keep a journal for doodling and writing out of boredom. Saying there's worse isn't really an argument either. [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032503]And yes, I am quite fond of literature in more than one language, but would you go to a godzilla movie and yell "its poorly written and needs no critique" around? I doubt its trying to be sophisticated.[/QUOTE] No I would yell godzirra. I know what you mean, but I would expect them to at least use the tools they were given (equipment) same as I would expect a writer to get across ideas well. Sophistication isn't as important. [QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032503]And going into some thread posting "Why did she eat poop" is nothing more than shitposting. If you don't want to give critique then there is no need to post.[/QUOTE] I'm critiquing now if that's what you wanted, as I had planned to do (though I planned to do much less). By the way you made a pun.

I know, I decided to leave it there without further clarification. But I still disagree on "rape": A BDSM has nothing to do with rape, you might wanna Wikipedia it when you are bored. Although I see what you meant. Maybe I just find this not as bad as expected because its something different from all the stories that usually get posted. Wouldn't read it for enjoyment though.

[QUOTE=Johnnsen;22032798]I know, I decided to leave it there without further clarification. But I still disagree on "rape": A BDSM has nothing to do with rape, you might wanna Wikipedia it when you are bored. Although I see what you meant. Maybe I just find this not as bad as expected because its something different from all the stories that usually get posted. Wouldn't read it for enjoyment though.[/QUOTE] Gotcha I know what bdsm is I've got a kink gf Possibly. I think FP could do with a lot more writing stuff. Agree.

I don't know if I should reply or not. :frog: Oh, what the heck. [QUOTE=DOG-GY;22032427]If you don't understand inflection of the post then how can you determine how I meant to say it. I could have meant it to be any number of things. Why are you trying to stick an age on me based on a post that you read in one specific way? That's not really good judgmental skills.[/QUOTE] Whatever meaning you try to give to "why did she eat the poop???" you will still come off as 12. [QUOTE=DOG-GY;22032427]It reads as "generic roleplay sex story" and it's akin to basically any other story of the like. Why should I differentiate it? Also slave is called slave because you don't have a choice. Hence, rape. Art is subjective but do you really expect me to write a few sentences about my day and expect everyone to believe it is really artistic? No. Same as how a story of a rp isn't true art. It's just a sex story and that's it. I'm not saying that if you have a sex scene or a rp in any story your work can not be art. I'm saying that this is not the place for the thread.[/QUOTE] Yes, it's pretty much just like any other sex story, but that's like saying one detective novel is identical to the next. As for you actually going and defining slave, ever heard of foreplay? You can't really rape someone consensually :v: This forum's section is called Art & shit like that. This thread was posted in Creationism Corner, to which Garry gave the description "Post your boring short stories, ugly drawings and home made noise. Basically post creative stuff that you created." I'll let you draw your own conclusions. [QUOTE=DOG-GY;22032427]I'm not angry, don't read anything I post as such. Why shouldn't I defend myself when you're categorizing me wrongly? Would you defend yourself if someone seriously said you were retarded?[/QUOTE] This is obviously not the place to be taking people too seriously. Honestly I couldn't care less if I was labeled as a retard by someone on here. Especially if it was directed at a random post such as "why did she eat the poop???" I also don't see at all how her writing wasn't "good". The grammar and spelling were proper, the rest is really all subjective. I could write about dicks and top hats and some people will like it and others may not, everyone's taste is different. You seem to be arguing that this story is bad and doesn't even deserve a thread when really that's nothing more than your opinion. Clearly there are people disagreeing with you and so it cannot be taken for fact. [b]Edit:[/b] Alright, you completely threw me off there with your last post. Don't bother reading/replying if you don't really feel the need to.

[QUOTE=Heroms;22033143]I could write about dicks and top hats and some people will like it and others may not[/QUOTE] lol, on FP that thread would be gold.

Eh, writing is ...acceptable. I'm left wondering how much of my dislike for this story is sexually based. Pretty sure it's your storytelling, mostly.