A short I'm writing for fun - I'm using Google docs so as I work on it it will update. I hope to make it a good 20 pages long by the end of the year. Keep in mind it's extremely graphic and won't change much in terms of that.
I've never really posted anything in the Creationism Corner before, so if I'm doing it wrong - please let me know.
[url]https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1ErMQsOY_8iY9uc3sc51FzRR8TJIkar4L5gEnUC-pnZM[/url]
edit: I'm a slow updater - don't expect updates everyday.
graphic like "killer inside me" graphic? or graphic like "edgy 14 year old" graphic?
sadly, its the latter. read the first paragraph. wheres the heart? wheres the clever ways to describe these things? though i like the use of the word "swerved". maybe not the greatest metaphor, but its cool.
like i said, take an example from "the killer inside me" and take some hints from that if youre trying to go for something sickeningly graphic.
also, is charles bronson really known for his brute strength? or bronson pinchot? never really thought of either of them that way...
also, youre diving into it all too quick. start with a scene, dont just say HEY HERE ARE THESE CHARACTERS, THEY KILL PEOPLE, READ MY STORY PLEASE? do more with the whole sex/violence thing, i liked that.
dang double posts for jerks! razzum frazzum grumble mumble.
oh! and one more thing. before you get any further, make sure we have a reason to like this guy, or at least something with which we can identify. no one wants to read something about a completely unlikeable character
3 guys 1 Hammer =/= Story
Im sorry, but I didnt like it.
I've started working on it again, I know I was lazy in changing anything. I'm not going to edit anything I've previously written, but I've taken some of your advice in the "More Gore" bit. The name "Bronson" actually didn't have any ties to it before, I just picked a tough sounding name and stuck with it. I know the names sound corny - but alot of the time, they are in real life.
[QUOTE=professor cool.;25578782]oh! and one more thing. before you get any further, make sure we have a reason to like this guy, or at least something with which we can identify. no one wants to read something about a completely unlikeable character[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry but it's hard to make a couple of serial killers seem likeable. I'll try adding some more reason behind what they're doing and maybe some humor, but thats the most I can do.
[QUOTE=r1ck;25591536]Im sorry, but I didnt like it.[/QUOTE]
You should elaborate.
yeah i mean like, have it so that theres bad guys who are worse than them or that there's a good reason for them to be evil. or, if you do decide to make them full on bad guys, have some sort of a) comeuppance or b) redemption
Why did the brother just sit there?
Sorry, but the way you've written it just seems too childish.
It's all very "THEN THIS HAPPENED. THEN THIS HAPPENED. THEN THIS HAPPENED."
The stories not finished, I already have an idea for his brother in mind. Keep in mind this isn't just a three page sudden fiction, this is a short story - His brother is quiet and rarely focused on for a reason - and I'm getting to it soon.
[QUOTE=Wafflemaster;25709584]Why did the brother just sit there?[/QUOTE]
I'll get to that.
[QUOTE=dookster;25712828]Sorry, but the way you've written it just seems too childish.
It's all very "THEN THIS HAPPENED. THEN THIS HAPPENED. THEN THIS HAPPENED."[/QUOTE]
I want you to tell me where you think this happens.
[QUOTE=professor cool.;25705337]yeah i mean like, have it so that theres bad guys who are worse than them or that there's a good reason for them to be evil. or, if you do decide to make them full on bad guys, have some sort of a) comeuppance or b) redemption[/QUOTE]
They are pure evil - without really intending to. For them violence is something they know is wrong, but they do anyways. The beggining paragraphs were leading up to present tense, showing what they're capable of. Where I'm taking it now is somewhere darker, and leaning more towards psychotic breakdown, and an attempt at making the story have a sort of schizo feel to it.
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