Jack's Diner: A short excerpt from a story I'm writing. - General

I've got a very short excerpt from a story I'm writing below, and I'd love some thoughts on it. I think the tone I'm trying to set is obvious, everything is to feel [i]off[/i]--somehow fundamentally strange. I'd like to know how well I delivered on that front, and to have your criticism on the writing itself, particularly as far as the dialog and setting the scene goes. [b]Link: [url="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U2IIEsJWzbPh1LlN2cimJ6nv4aEZaarc7DBYIM6Qm8A/edit?hl=en"]Jack's Diner--Excerpt[/url][/b] It's 568 words, so it should only take you a couple of minutes to read through, and I'd certainly appreciate some input. Thanks in advance! [b]EDIT: Shit, I just realized I posted this in MMOs. Heh. I'll PM a mod and see if I can't get it moved to Creationism Corner.[/b] [b]EDIT: Thanks, Pascall! <:o)[/b]

I love the tone - It reminded me of the beginning episodes of Paranoia Agent. I think you did a good job setting up the scene before the scene actually begins, if that makes any sense? What will become of this short story? [b]Edit:[/b] I love that Google added the ability to watch edits being made in real time.

Hard to say what will become of it. I've got quite a big idea on my hands, and I'm running with it for now.

[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;27768030]Hard to say what will become of it. I've got quite a big idea on my hands, and I'm running with it for now.[/QUOTE] Cool, be sure to post whatever your idea turns into.

The reviews are in! [i]"lol furries"[/i] raves Anonymous User 3! [i]"whooo"[/i] praises Anonymous User 5! [i]Anonymous User 7 has left.[/i] claims Anonymous User 7!

A stunning piece of prose; this work would make Lovecraft shudder in jealousy [editline]31st January 2011[/editline] nah just kidding, it's nice but did you choose to write about furries as a joke or

I thought that a man in a dog suit and a world-weary outcast having a conversation in an old diner in the middle of the night would be pretty strange. The story is not about furries at all, he's just a minor character whose only purpose is to further emphasize the oddness of Patrick's life.

Oh.

It's pretty cool. There's redundancy in one of the first sentences, where you say "behind the counter" twice. It stood out to me.

I made some edits to the story, mostly just in word choicing and syntax, which address some of the weak points I've had pointed out to me. I had forgotten to update the online file with them, but it's fixed now. Would you please let me know if that first paragraph reads easier with the edits?

It's better, but there's something about this sentence which doesn't work: [quote]Instead, Patrick Murphy leaned against it, idly wiping a stain which had been there many years before he was.[/quote] It may just be me, but it feels a bit off. Also the "which had been there many years before he was" doesn't really make sense, I think it should be "which had been there for many years before him"

Right then, I'll keep working on it. The first paragraph's the most important, after all. Thanks for the suggestion!

I'm going to read this again because I can't get enough of the wonderful feeling watching the well-chosen words flow together.

I think you used names too much. Especially in conversations. I think that the reader can pick up enough to know which person is talking or doing what, or at least, I could.

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJY8jJkDoMY[/media]

[QUOTE=Rubs10;27803658]I think you used names too much. Especially in conversations. I think that the reader can pick up enough to know which person is talking or doing what, or at least, I could.[/QUOTE] I'll keep a watch for that as I write, and when I go through and re-edit the first chapter tonight I'll see if I can cut down on the names some. [QUOTE=OutOfPop;27803745][media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJY8jJkDoMY[/media][/QUOTE] Ha, I've never heard that before. It's perfect.

you're a great writer. Seldom does literature on this forum actually grab me by the collar (i guess in this case a dog collar, nyuk) and tell me (or ask me politely) to sit down and read.

Wow, this is really good, kept me reading even after the first three paragraphs. Well done!

Just want to add I do really like this, was just trying to give you helpful critisicm easlier and forgot to mention that it is really good :smile:

It feels really well done and smooth, I really liked it. Not much to criticize, honestly.