I recently wrote a chapter for a story I had in mind that I've always wanted to write. If anybody can read this and give me point and tips on where and what to improve, it'd be very appreciated.
[url]http://pastebin.com/UGNutEAg[/url]
[QUOTE=madnath619;44740841]I recently wrote a chapter for a story I had in mind that I've always wanted to write. If anybody can read this and give me point and tips on where and what to improve, it'd be very appreciated.
[url]http://pastebin.com/UGNutEAg[/url][/QUOTE]
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Sorry, can't critique something I can't read.
[QUOTE=brooklynlord;44751188]"This is a private paste. If you created this paste, please login to view it."
Sorry, can't critique something I can't read.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, sorry, it's fixed now.
My [B]mothers[/B] questioning prompted me to lift the small grey box to my face to read the[U] faded[/U] date printed on the back. It's not like it mattered much, the only clock in the whole bunker was powered by old batteries and had likely lost so many seconds and minutes that we could be days, weeks or even months behind of fast of the real time.
“It's too[U] faded[/U], I can't make it out. I'll try and get us something next time, sorry.”
I know it's pretty nitpicky of me to say this, but try to avoid using the same adjective twice in such a short time, even if it's on different objects. However, the use of the pronoun leads to a little lack of clarity; are you talking about the clock or the date? Sure it's obvious, but I would still revise this a bit. Also...
It's 'My mother's questioning', not 'My mothers questioning'.
She grunted and hobbled... No need for comma.
That paragraph might also be a bit early for a big description. You also refer to the main hall as a central zone, and a central hub. Is the zone and the hub the same? Where are they exactly? (Just saying, if you talk about the setting here, the reader will have more questions about the setting. It may be better to just cut this 'slow' part near the beginning and push it back just a few paragraphs more as you're still making a first impression on your reader).
Setting aside, it's probably better not to have a big clump of information in one big paragraph. Sometimes it's unavoidable, but having it spread out is good.
I do realize that you had to give a brief description of societal structure on the setting itself, but again, it might just be a bit early for that.
"The land up top..." Okay. Two sentences into this paragraph and I already had a feel that this was going to be part of the main plot. I'm not sure if I've read a book that jabs me into the main plot as quickly as this, but getting your main plot down early is good.
A few sentences are a bit redundant.
"This was a very dangerous idea, which could cost the security of the whole bunker to collapse."
Yes, I know that it's a very dangerous idea.
A side thing would be that I'd use the word 'cause' instead of 'cost'. It just doesn't feel quite right to me to say cost, but you'll have to decide.
The part where you elaborate on jobs, laws and the expansion of the bunker really pushes me to think: How big is this bunker exactly? How much food does the overlord have, that he can sustain a reproducing population long enough for him to realize that it needed expansion?
I'm almost getting a metro 2033-esque vibe to this. When you first said bunker, I guessed it was more of a small bunker such as the ones on the Maginot line, or Normandy/Omaha, but it turns out that you're more talking about nuclear shelters which are much bigger and must provide adequate food.
"One of the overlord's men" Apostrophe!
"I was forced to listen to them give me the daily lecture of jobs to do."
There's some really awkward syntax here. The words 'to them' isn't necessary either.
"I was forced to listen as they gave me the daily lecture of jobs to do."
"overlord's study room." apostrophe strikes again.
"What?"
This is the first time where we read a character's thoughts. I'm not sure if pastebin doesn't support italics, but generally, thoughts are put in italics to separate them from normal text and general events and descriptions.
"Slither", as a noun, is a slithering movement. "Sliver" is probably what you meant.
Use the word 'five', not the number. Same applies to the 'six'.
Other than that, just take note that quite a few actions in that paragraph.
By paragraph nine... I'm getting a vibe that you introduce what's about to happen just a tad bit before, and it's starting to get repetitive (people pretty much saying the same thing twice). On that note, paragraph 5 could be placed after paragraph 9. This way, you can cut down on some redundancy.
The single sentence in paragraph 10 is just[I] slightly[/I] too long. Very slightly, but still a bit uncomfortable.
"Dirge..."
The name's just a bit... bizarre. Just a note: if you're going to use bizarre names, then 'ordinary' names should be relatively rare. It just feels bizarre to have Aerith talking to Bob, for example.
Contempt? So the overlord is disrespectful of Dirge and doesn't think he's worth anything? Or is he just a disingenuous bastard, having just complimented him?
Suggestion: There could be some description of the overlord's voice, whether it be deep, powerful, commanding, or compulsive, etc.
The next part definitely can have more descriptions. For all I know, it's just a gray room. with maybe an electric lamp? Maybe not even an electric lamp.
"The door outside was only one corridor length away from the storage room, so we noticed the commander there immediately as we finished and had forced our way outside the door."
'So' isn't the right word to use here. You noticed the commander [B]because[/B] the door outside was only so far away from the storage room? Sure it makes sense after you read the entire sentence, but it's better to avoid confusion and just reword the sentence and say that "After we forced our way outside the door, we immediately noticed the commander standing directly in front of us." or something of the sort. Perhaps it's personal preference, but I still find it awkward.
Period, then capital letter in paragraphs 21 and 22. Yea, you can fix this later, or leave it to a big edit at the end. Even though I'm just nitpicking here, it's still important.
Overrun is one word.
How exactly do they go up to the surface, exactly? Is it an elevator, or what? Or is it a bunch of stairs and a door?
"Adrenaline" doesn't need quotation marks, though i'll excuse it if it's something that he'd only read about in books and it was his first time having an adrenaline rush. That specific sentence also is a bit... awkward. I would change the "one moment" to "that moment".
The "sand"?
27: Well, here's a wham paragraph.
Firstly, "fine">"find".
Anyway.
So the overlord was a disingenuous bastard. But because you gave no description of the commander, he's pretty good at hiding the previous incidents from impacting his emotions at all.
Going on. "Posse" is a word that I had to search up, and same with "careering" as a verb. "Ragged", however, is not a verb (unless you're mocking someone).
Who exactly is the person who says "Idiot. He got what he deserved..."? Is it the same person who said "Shut the hell up you idiot!" or is it someone else? We only know that it isn't Dirge by the next paragraph.
Paragraph 38.
"The remaining four of us not taking orders from this man shook our heads"
What is this supposed to mean? By the way, if you're talking about moving your heads that signifies that you're agreeing to something, that's nodding. Shaking your head is saying 'no'.
Side arm > Sidearm
Brining>Bringing
New commander? A commander is a pretty high position (it's also a naval term. Its army equivalent is lieutenant-colonel). I'd say leader.
On the overall note, right now, it's just a bit fast. You'll definitely want much more description of the 'bunker' (is it cold, or is it cozy? etc).
~~~
Alright. That stuff over with, let's get started on the interesting bits.
There isn't enough story of the bunker itself to make it feel as if we're leaving any protection in the first place. It'd be better to have a chapter or two just on life inside the bunker to have a feel of what it's like, and truly make the readers feel as frightened as the men themselves.
Dirge doesn't have much personality, neither does anyone else other than perhaps the overlord, the new leader, and the man who died. There's some implied personality of the commander (that is, cold and psychopathic).
Plot: Why exactly do they want to find the bodies of the previous team? Do they still trust the people at the gate when they tell them to find the previous team? (I certainly wouldn't). By the description of drooling, I'm assuming that they would've eaten the previous men, and not have left much behind.
What exactly are the 'beasts'? If that's supposed to be shrouded in mystery, what exactly do they look like? You've given no description of them other than that they have glowing eyes and are four-legged, even when they step into the illuminated portion of the cave.
Exactly why is that portion of the cave illuminated in the first place?
Now that I've thought about it, you didn't give a description of the 'cave' when the first left the bunker either. I assumed that it was very, very dark and they saw only by some kind of flashlight on their rifles and such.
Does Dirge not learn in the textbooks what happened in the past? If he does, it could be added in the beginning paragraphs when you set the setting.
Survivors from exploring up top can give crucial information of what's happening, and about the creatures/beasts that exist up there.
I'm getting a very strong feeling of Metro 2033.
Last question, how do they make it through the night without beasts killing them? Or do they take them back?
There's potential in this, though truthfully, post-apocalyptic is not a genre I'm very familiar with. You have work to do in tidying up the language and adding more descriptions and padding it out. It's too fast and rushed atm, but that's fine as a first draft because it should be just general ideas.
You also need to work on the plot. Why are they up there? Do they wish to live? Is there an ultimate goal to the book?
You have to have a strong plot.
Your character's actions should also have meaning. Without meaning, it'll just be a bunch of people doing seemingly random stuff.
One thing that you can work on in very late revisions is sparkling up the language to make it more interesting.
The genre and the mood/tone you've set with your writing is enough to give me a feeling that there won't be mary sues in here, but i'll still be on a lookout. So far, there's none, so keep up the good work.
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