Could you help me with my novel? - General

Hello, I have to write a novel for Thursday, as I'm not English nor American, I'd like to have some help, to correct what I wrote, or replace some words by others. So, here is what I wrote: [TEXT] Crystal Life Year 2291. The future, the one you must have seen in sci-fi movies, is now there. Flying cars, digital credit cards built in your skin, games where you are the character, where you feel every movement, and many other futuristic inventions. It must look very interesting, life should be better, but it's the total opposite for Gordon, a 30 years old man. He loved the ancient life, the one that every single one of you knows. This new age came too fast for him. It had a very interesting improvement, no work, only pleasure. How was it possible? Robots. These little beings could do the work of every human by themselves. More, they were brainless, no question, no doubts, they were made to obey and serve. You couldn't have dreamt better. You must be thinking about what people could do if they didn't work, as the work takes the most of your time. It's really simple, a new life had been created, a virtual one, only made by your thoughts the first time you connect to it. Gordon hadn't tried it yet. All his friends tried many times to convince him, talking him into appreciating this new world where no problems existed. However Gordon resisted, he said he wasn't really ready, that this new world must drug you after a certain using time. December 20th, Gordon was invited by Barney, his best friend, to a club. He was still loving clubs as they were probably the only one places which had stayed the same as before. Cocktails, cigarettes, music and... Girls, real ones this time. He sat down next to Barney, who was... He couldn't really believe it, already talking to a girl. - Still dredging Barney? When will you stop? It's been something like 2 years since the last time I've seen you. - You won't believe it, but I met a girl, called Sandra. She's perfect, long black hair, purple eyes, tall and slim. I talk to her every day, each night. You know she understands me better than every one has ever did. Also, she has two big reasons to be with! - Still a pervert as I see... And you said purple eyes? Is this these new human mods again? - Oh, it's more than a mod, she looks exactly how I wanted her to look like. - Are you saying you “created” her? - Precisely. Ever heard about the “Crystal Life” program? - The new one where it's said that no problems exist, where everything is perfect as you change this world as you want? - Aaaah, I see you're not completely uncommunicative in your cave as people say you are. - Barney... YOU told me about that program before. - Well, my memory is a little bit failing for a few weeks. - So, you haven't invited me to talk about girls and programs, have you? - You're right. To be honest I'm sad having to tell you that way, but I'll move up to Romra. - The one called “The other side of the world”? - Yeah, and you know why it's called that way? Because everything is different on it, you don't even have to go out to buy things, don't even have to talk. - Barney, I'm sad as well, you don't seem to realize the little human part which is still into you is slowly fading. You don't want to talk anymore, you don't even seem to appreciate the tepid breeze which blows on your face during the sweet summer mornings. Don't you remember this time, when the Earth was still the green planet, with trees, oceans, fields. All of this has turned into a mechanic world, no more fields, water, trees, only factories or skyscrapers. - Oh please Gordon... This time has ended many years ago and I'd rather be in a pub like this one than being in a field with... Nothing to do, just standing there contemplating nothing but the sky. - That's exactly what I loved to do Barney, contemplating the sky. Have you seen a blue, pink or orange sky for a long time? I doubt, as the sky we see everyday is only made of cars. There's no more sky Barney, but a grey fog above us. - Stop rejecting everything Gordon, you're anchored in an ended age, try evolving with this one. Just think about it, no work, only pleasure, do you even realize the beautiful life we now have? Doing what you want at anytime. - You do what you want only because you do it in a virtual society, with virtual people. - So what? These people I meet in Crystal Life are far better than the ones I could meet out there. Except you Gordon, there's no one I talk to in the real world. - It's enough Barney, I lost you. You... You even have sex in this virtual world! Do you realize how pathetic it is? - Ha ha... I don't think you're the good person to criticize that as you've never had sex even in the real world. It's your chance, try it, try Crystal Life. You're alone in your rotting hotel room, take a seat and try it in a few days, there are connect stations everywhere now. Gordon left his friend with a mind full of sadness and regret, he had lost him, that was that simple. He was enlisted in this new awesome world, as said by people. He would try it, he had nothing to lose after all, this life was the most basic of all time, he never did something big, something huge, which would change the world forever. One week later, Gordon walked up to the nearest connect station of Crystal Life, during his walking he could see people talking to themselves, all of them were talking to a person who was obviously not there. “It's as I thought, drugged...”. He arrived to the station with an apprehension feeling. He put the helmet one, the game started. He arrived in a bright place, a pure white, not a stain to pollute the perfect floor. Gordon always had been fussy, he thought the game was adapting itself to him. A hostess came to him. “Follow me in the crystal garden please.” They arrived in, as the name suggested it, a crystal garden, everything was made in it, plants, dirt, trees, benches. “ Let my introduce you to Ash. “ - Pleased to meet you, Gordon, I hope we'll friend in no time to share our hobbies. The hostess had left them by now. - Well, my name is Gordon and I'm pleased to meet you as well. Gordon was really put under stress, this girl was conveying a pleasant atmosphere, she was almost perfect in every way, even the mind one. Gordon didn't know anything about her but he knew he would love her. No purples eyes like Sandra's ones (“Barney has always been crazy anyway”), but brown ones, as well as her hair. She had tiny hands, almost child ones, with thin fingers, a small mouth with delicate lips. Gordon had the girl he dreamt many times about in front of him. - “What do you like to do when you're not sleeping?” She asked shyly. - I love painting, I drawn many paintings of the ancient time. - You mean the one where the towns where not as big as now? Where many people lived in villages? - Yes, 20 years ago, this beautiful time where you could watch nature for an unlimited amount of time. I loved watching the fields in long summer twilight. - So did I! Where were you from before the Earth turned into a huge single town? - I was from Erathia, the air was very sweet out there. Winter were soft and so were autumns, there wasn't as much rain as it should. - Erathia, yes, I remember this name, wasn't it a well place for trading? - It was, most of merchants were selling many prototype pieces of the cars you can see now. - I was from Xan Kriegor's domain, full of snow at any time of the year. - I heard somethings about it, wasn't it the place where the first teleporter had been installed, which is now used to transport the cattle from one planet to another? - “True.” She said with a smile Gordon totally melted for. They continued to talk that way for more than 5 hours, but all of the sudden, a power cut arised. This moment was fatal to Gordon who went back in an instant to the real life. He had totally forgot about it, he really thought he was in the real world, talking to this magnificent creature. He headed on for his hotel room. Once in, he started to cry, the emotional shock the girl created in him was too much. He met the perfection, and suddenly this perfection dissapeared, letting him alone again, in the world he hated to be in. He didn't know what he was doing., took a sheet of paper, a pencil, and started to write. “ I loved the world I was born in, I learnt to appreciate people for who they were, to understand them, support them when something was going bad. I've been myself supported by Barney, my best friend, when I was depressed. Where is he now? I'll tell you where he is. He's in one of the uncountable buildings of virtual relationships, talking to Sandra, a girl created by any part by a machine. Barney likes to be in this new world, this new technological age. Humans seem to flee the laws, however they are the ones which have directed them in the right path, not the ones which restricted anything, they were only indicating, advising. They were protecting life, as humans never have been capable to do the same. “ While writing this he was slowly taking a gun, not the lasered ones, no. The good old ones, with real bullets. He thought a last time about sunny fields, with the sweet smell of purity, serenity. He pulled the trigger. “What would you like to do?” [Create a new character] [Exit the game] [/TEXT] Sorry about the layout, but " - " and some others thing aren't saved when I copy paste it there. So, what I'd like you to do is that you read that, and try to help me with grammar faults, bad written words and stuff. You can also tell it to me if you find my story crappy. :) Thanks in advance.

few misspellings but it looks alright

Eh? I don't find anything.

I'm sorry I'm still finding how to make the thing I wrote to be different. :/

ONe question if you want to get rid of your credit card (need to switch serial numbers, different bank, ect.) then how do you get it out of your arm???? Your novel is flawed. [B]Edit:[/B] and who's idea was it to have purple eyes in the future???

[QUOTE=neap tide;18963371]ONe question if you want to get rid of your credit card (need to switch serial numbers, different bank, ect.) then how do you get it out of your arm???? Your novel is flawed.[/QUOTE] Well, everything is changed by computers. :) Like you put your arm under a laser, then it changes, and you're done. Purple eyes are created by humans themselves, in the virtual world. As you can do whatever you want in it.

One, grammar is off, but seeing how I am not a nazi, I won't mark you down for that. Quotations however, you need. I don't understand whether the characters are talking, or voicing there thoughts. Or even telepathy in anycase. Also, why are the names, and friendships similar to Half Life? Really, Gordon and Barney?

About the names, yeah, I took names of games characters as I don't really have any imagination about names. What does mean " grammar is off "? Does that mean that I suck at it? :/ About quotations etc... I can't really save them, when I copy/paste the text I wrote it doesn't seem to bring them as well. :/

Well commas, and I believe you changed the tense, i.e. you made it from present tense, to past tense. But yeah, mainly quotations, but if you've added them, then good job!

[QUOTE=Electric Eye;18963343]few misspellings but it looks alright[/QUOTE] Could you tell me the faults I did? I'd like it to be as perfect as possible. :) [QUOTE=vizard38]Well commas, and I believe you changed the tense, i.e. you made it from present tense, to past tense. But yeah, mainly quotations, but if you've added them, then good job![/QUOTE] Well, it's only in present when people talk to eachother, I think :/ Well, I tried to do it that way, otherwise it's in the past. About commas, we use them really often in my native language, so it must be because of it.

Bad read. It's punctuated by multiple minor mistakes which disrupt and destroy the enjoyment of reading. Case in point, [i]"a 30 years old man" [/i] The conversation between the characters are confusing and tiresome to read. They lack the usual, "Gordon said, Barney said." connectors which help coordinate better understanding. Moreover, the dialog is both dry and drab, making the characters feel artificial and stale. In conclusion, the entire 'novel' is tiresome and poorly written due to the style and approach in which you have undertaken. It seems more like the work of a primary school student or a high school teenager, rather than a novel. I hope for the sake of literature that you weren't seriously considering to send this to a publisher. Yes. I find your novel crappy. Work on it, don't give up! :)

[QUOTE=thereisno131;18963558]Bad read. It's punctuated by multiple minor mistakes which disrupt and destroy the enjoyment of reading. Case in point, [i]"a 30 years old man" [/i] The conversation between the characters are confusing and tiresome to read. They lack the usual, "Gordon said, Barney said." connectors which help coordinate better understanding. Moreover, the dialog is both dry and drab, making the characters feel artificial and stale. In conclusion, the entire 'novel' is tiresome and poorly written due to the style and approach in which you have undertaken. It seems more like the work of a primary school student or a high school teenager, rather than a novel. I hope for the sake of literature that you weren't seriously considering to send this to a publisher. Yes. I find your novel crappy. Work on it, don't give up! :)[/QUOTE] Of course no, I wasn't considering to send this to a publisher, it's only for the school. You're right, it's boring, but I don't how to improve it :/

Xan Kriegor? Isn't that from Unreal Tournament? Hehehe HL

[QUOTE=Euphytose;18963432]About the names, yeah, I took names of games characters as I don't really have any imagination about names. What does mean " grammar is off "? Does that mean that I suck at it? :/ About quotations etc... I can't really save them, when I copy/paste the text I wrote it doesn't seem to bring them as well. :/[/QUOTE][url=http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/]Use this for names[/url]. I use random name generators a lot when writing stories or creating characters for role-playing games. You could also just pull a few names at random out of a phone book. As for the quotation marks, what keyboard layout are you using?

[QUOTE=Euphytose;18963602]Of course no, I wasn't considering to send this to a publisher, it's only for the school. You're right, it's boring, but I don't how to improve it :/[/QUOTE] You can try giving descriptions of the world around Gordon, so that readers can better visualize the character in a realistic, living breathing world, rather than a featureless void. For starters, work on the club scene in which Barney and Gordon meet. You never give any description of the atmosphere of the club itself. Example of improvement, [i]Gordon entered the club, bathed in pulsing lights in which featureless silhouettes throbbed to the sea of electronic sound they called music. With difficulty he spotted Barney among the throng of people and began to swim across the fuckload of people.[/i]

[QUOTE=bODYbAGZ;18963681]Xan Kriegor? Isn't that from Unreal Tournament? Hehehe HL[/QUOTE] True. :) The final boss of the first one. [QUOTE=Doug52392;18963683][url=http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/]Use this for names[/url]. I use random name generators a lot when writing stories or creating characters for role-playing games. You could also just pull a few names at random out of a phone book. As for the quotation marks, what keyboard layout are you using?[/QUOTE] Thanks! I'm using this one [url]http://technologie.clg.free.fr/B2iEcole/Images/Clavier2.jpg[/url] [not the keyboard itself, just the layout] [QUOTE=thereisno131;18963704]You can try giving descriptions of the world around Gordon, so that readers can better visualize the character in a realistic, living breathing world, rather than a featureless void. For starters, work on the club scene in which Barney and Gordon meet. You never give any description of the atmosphere of the club itself. Example of improvement, [i]Gordon entered the club, bathed in pulsing lights in which featureless silhouettes throbbed to the sea of electronic sound they called music. With difficulty he spotted Barney among the throng of people and began to swim across the fuckload of people.[/i][/QUOTE] Well, thanks but, it's not really my level of English, if I write that my teacher will immediately tell me that something's wrong with this text and my level. :/

Too much dialogue. (In my opinion)

Not too bad, i enjoyed reading that :smile:

Gordon free man is 27 year old from half life Gordon is 30 years old from crystal life. Maybe too much of a correlation there but no matter. I would love to read a full book on this story it has potential.

A little too much dialog, try to simplisize it, but in other words, it's kinda interesting, You have potential, I actually wrote a few mini-novels myself, but I never showed them to anybody expect to myself.

About the correlation it's not really important, my teacher is already aware that I always use names of game characters, as well as places sometimes. :) And thanks for your positives comments, even though I think thereisno131 is completely right :/

Also, how old are you? From what I heard the best time to write something is between 15 years and 40 years.

I'm 17. :)

[QUOTE=Euphytose;18964462]I'm 17. :)[/QUOTE] A little out off topic, but I think that you should think about something original and by the time you're 18 you should start writing a full-fledged book.

[QUOTE=Ginteru;18964541]A little out off topic, but I think that you should think about something original and by the time you're 18 you should start writing a full-fledged book.[/QUOTE] Well, if I write a book, it will be in my native tongue, I'm really unable to write a book in English. Which is really sad because I'd like to become a translator in video games. I think it won't be possible :/

I don't really have anything to add that thereisno hasn't already said, but I would like to point out that a "novel" is usually around 100,000 words long. I'd be surprised if you've been asked to write a novel, for school/college, but if it's been specifically stated that you need to write a novel, then you should probably make it a LOT longer. Other than that, from what I can remember when I was studying English, I found that basing Original Writing pieces off games/hobbies is usually a really bad idea. I ended up only getting a B for an original writing piece that I based on Warhammer, and got an A* for a piece that I made up entirely myself. That's just personal experience, though, so take my advice with a pinch of salt.

[QUOTE=BloodStream;18968213]I don't really have anything to add that thereisno hasn't already said, but I would like to point out that a "novel" is usually around 100,000 words long. I'd be surprised if you've been asked to write a novel, for school/college, but if it's been specifically stated that you need to write a novel, then you should probably make it a LOT longer. Other than that, from what I can remember when I was studying English, I found that basing Original Writing pieces off games/hobbies is usually a really bad idea. I ended up only getting a B for an original writing piece that I based on Warhammer, and got an A* for a piece that I made up entirely myself. That's just personal experience, though, so take my advice with a pinch of salt.[/QUOTE] A novel hasn't to be 100 000 words long, it can be as long as you want, except it mustn't be as long as a book. And my " story " is only based on games by the names, Half-Life, UT, and Heroes of Might and Magic. Maybe a game has the same story as mine, but it wasn't intended.

[QUOTE=Euphytose;18968350]A novel hasn't to be 100 000 words long, it can be as long as you want, except it mustn't be as long as a book. And my " story " is only based on games by the names, Half-Life, UT, and Heroes of Might and Magic. Maybe a game has the same story as mine, but it wasn't intended.[/QUOTE] Sorry, but a novel IS a book (Usually). They're pretty much the same thing. You're probably getting "novel" and "story" mixed up. That probably sounds a bit pedantic, but I thought I'd point it out in case you were specifically told to write a novel and you'd misunderstood your instructions. And I don't understand why you're using the same names of characters from games, then. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it, but wouldn't you rather create the characters yourself? I always found that character development was the most interesting part of story-writing.

Please use more interesting names then ones from Half Life 2.

I kind of liked it, except the end. [quote]He pressed the trigger. [/quote] He pulled the trigger, I think. [quote] all that stuff.[/quote] You should replace that with something else, maybe something like 'and many other futuristic inventions'