Hello there, here is a story that I've been working on, I think it's a neat idea that I could definitely improve with a little C&C. Please tell me what you think, what I could improve on and maybe even the odd suggestion to the story.
So, without further ado.
Chapter 1: Prologue.
Long ago, in the year 2007, the reign of Facepunch was strong and just. The inhabitors, the members as they call themselves, were taught to spell correctly. The moderators were wise and deciseful. The rules were tough and many people could not make the grade, they were locked away out of Facepunch, living in a camp that they called, “The Refugee's Camp,”. Facepunch was widely regarded to be a wonderful forum, with the accompaniment of a special system that Facepunch used. The users loved it, but with every advantage, many people find the need to abuse it. This system was called “Ratings”. The users would rate others and be rated according to their actions, and then the ratings would be permanently recorded on their profile.
This all changed in the year 2008, the Facepunch King Garry took down ratings. Many people were outraged, protesting, trying to get the ratings back. It seemed the ratings had a special charm about it that many people were fond of. Garry stated a message to Facepunch, ratings have been taked down due to rating whores. A rating whore was someone who tried to get as many ratings as possible. They were dubbed by the users because of the hate that had portrayed them.
Although, no-one knew a secret force behind the ratings, something more powerful than the energy of the moderators could manage. For every rating, there was a keeper. When the ratings dissapeared in 2008, the keepers of the ratings power was locked away and so was the knowledge. A keeper of a rating was powerful even on his own, but with the power of other keepers, they can be unstoppable. If all the keepers were together at one time, all hell could break loose.
Then, in the year 2009, ratings were re-introduced. Many people were picked to become the keepers, none of them knew it yet. The first one to receive his great power was dubbed, “The King of the Tool, or the Keeper of Useful,”. He had the power of the rating “Useful” but he had no idea that he did, until a fateful date with destiny he had encountered one day.
Chapter 2: B1N4RY
“Dear diary, I am still trying to get this useless fucking piece of shit to do something, I've tried everything, rearranging wires, using backup electricity, fixing the dents in the chassis but no cigar. If I could tell you how angry I am, I would scare you off. I am never fucking buying an Apple computer ever again,”
B1N4RY closed the book after he had finished writing his entry and sighed. The broken computer still lay down on the table next to him, along with his box of tools. He could not take the pressure any more, he picked up the computer and threw it at the wall. A crack in the plaster appeared, so did a mangle of wires and chips. He growled angrily and left the room.
B1N4RY walked down a hallway, his footsteps being clearly audible as the walls were empty. Sound ricocheted off them like they were trying to get away from something. He muttered to himself, angry of the frustration that the Apple had caused him, but also the fact that he had to fix one of Facepunch's defense mechanisms. He walked quickly to the teleporter. He quickly flicked a button and walked into a sudden orange light.
He appeared where he needed to be, next to Defensive Automated Turret #12. He unscrewed a plate in the chassis and looked for what was wrong. He had never seen a DAT before, but somehow he knew what to do. He looked confused as his hands did all the work for him. They quickly moved and twitched. In a matter of 20 seconds, it was fixed and back to normal. B1N4RY couldn't take in what he just saw.
“But, how?” he said in total alarm. He tried to shake it off and walked away. As he was walking, he approached another member of Facepunch. This one's alias was Nautsabes.
“Hey, what's troubling you?” Nautsabes called out to B1N4RY.
“Oh, nothing,” B1N4RY replied.
“Ah well, I have some work to do, Happy New Year to come!” Nautsabes said back, with a smile.
Nautsabes turned around, but as soon as he did, B1N4RY's hands suddenly grabbed his neck, dug the fingernails deep and pulled out something suspicious. It was a blue wire. Nautsabes collapsed.
B1N4RY was startled, he began to panic. If that wasn't Nautsabes, how did he get in there? B1N4RY's mind raced back and forth. He tried to find an answer, then it came.
4Chan
Chapter 3: Attack
B1N4RY raced to the main office of Facepunch as fast as his legs would allow him, carrying robot Nautsabes' head with him. He burst open the door and stumbled to the desk which Garry was sitting behind, panting.
“What the hell? What's wrong?” Garry said in a total fright.
“Robots. Invading. 4Chan. Here,” B1N4RY said in a hurry, quickly handing the robot head to Garry.
Garry examined the head carefully, as he did his eyes became wider and wider. Suddenly, he dropped the head completely. In a very stern, quick tone he told B1N4RY, “Go to the defense ministry at once,”. B1N4RY nodded and ran. In a very short time, he was in the office of the defense ministry of Facepunch at once. He explained everything to the Defense Minister. The Defense Minister nodded and hummed. He took hold of his intercom microphone and said, “All available units, please report to Section 2 at once, all available units, please report to Section 2 at once,”.
B1N4RY knew something, a major clash was going to start that Facepunch was not going to win without his help. He knew that he had a part to play, and more than ever, he knew he was not the only one with a lead role in this war. He walked out of the Minister's office, with a vow that he would not let 4Chan win. He needed to play his part, and that part was now.
To be Continued.
I know you put a lot of effort into this and I read it all but my favorite part of your post is your avatar....
I don't get it. Who is Nautsabes and what connection has he with B1N4RY? And how did the main character know that robots from 4chan were invading facepunch?
[QUOTE=mynames2long;19252006]I don't get it. Who is Nautsabes and what connection has he with B1N4RY? And how did the main character know that robots from 4chan were invading facepunch?[/QUOTE]
The Nautsabes in the story is a 4Chan robot, not the real one.
The main character is the keeper of the useful rating, so his power tapped in and wala, he's spotted a robot.
Who else but 4chan invades Facepunch?
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