Yanks floored by nail guns, computers and baseballs

[QwertyTSecond]

This isn't really news, so I thought I'd plonk it here. This article was shamelessly plagiarised from The Register. Find the entire article here:
[URL]http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/01/18/neiss_database/[/URL]

[quote=El reg]
We're very much obliged to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has produced a handy online guide detailing just what kind of damage our accident-prone American cousins managed to sustain between 1991 and 2008.
The data is gathered by the "[URL="https://www.cpsc.gov/cgibin/NEISSQuery/home.aspx?"]National Electronic Injury Surveillance System[/URL]" (NEISS) and represents a "sample of 100 hospital emergency rooms in the United States and its territories".
Florida's [I]Sun Sentinel[/I] has [URL="http://www.sun-sentinel2.com/features/ftlaudNEISS/ftlaudNEISS08_list.php"]posted[/URL] a searchable full list of the more than 274,000 injuries reported in 2008, which immediately reveals that Americans really are [URL="http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/04/13/nail_gun_casualties/"]nailgunning[/URL] themselves towards extinction:

39YO WHITE MALE USING NAIL GUN-NAIL WENT THROUGH L 5TH DIGIT-DID PULL NAIL OUT BY SELF,DX PUNCTURE WOUND TO FINGER

25 YO MALE ACCIDENT SHOT NAIL GUN IN STOMACH F/B STOMACH

C/O IMPAILED NAILS IN R WRIST. PT DROPPED A NAIL GUN & IT FIRED TWICE. FB (NAILS) R WRIST.

37YOM AT HOME USING A NAIL GUN ACCIDENTLY SHOT NAIL INTO FOOT WAS WEARING TENNIS SHOES;PUNCTURED WOUND LT FOOT
A trawl of computer-related mishaps, meanwhile, demonstrates that IT is also doing its bit to cull the population:
(17-year-old male) ATTEMPTED TO BLINDLY PLUG COMPUTER IN SOCKET OR POWER BAR OUTLET,STUCK FINGER IN OUTLET,T-SHIRT WET W/SWEAT AT TIME, SHOCKED THRU FINGER;SHOCK

38YOF WENT TO SIT DOWN ON A LOW COMPUTER CHAIR WITH WHEELS,MISSED IT FELL STRIKING TAILBONE;COCCYX FRACTURE

(12-year-old male) SITTING @ COMPUTER DESK&MOM ACCIDENTALLY DROVE THE MV INTO THE HOUSE, PUSHING THE DESK INTO PT'S CHEST WALL>>CONTS/ABRS

(65-year-old male) PT SUSTAINED A LACERATION OF A HAND WHEN STRIKING A BOOKSHELF IN FRUSTRATION WITH COMPUTER AT HOME.[/quote]

And my personal favourite:
[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]
The "in" is not a typo. Keep it up Gramps. If you can...

[QUOTE=laserpanda;19708763]The list of things the ER had to remove from peoples asses is probably the most frightening.

Plastic Fork
1 foot long candle
marble
roll of dollar bills
baloon pump
vibrator
crayola marker
pool ball
wine bottle cork
cell phone
pencil
chalk
spray can
plastic bottle
paper clip
curtain rod
wine bottle
cologne bottle
walking cane
screwdriver[/QUOTE]

I once read a Darwin Award where a man had an eel up there. Another sexual fetish. I'll try and find it some time, along with Kelly's suggestion of chavs.

And, Archangel: stop de-railing mah thread!

[AmazingAzzy]

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]

What the hell was he thinking.

[Parachinim]

[quote]And my personal favourite:

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]

The "in" is not a typo. Keep it up Gramps. If you can...[/QUOTE]

:byodood:

[detectivep]

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]

Oh god. Oh wow. Oh that makes me feel weird thinking about that.

[GrimBloodyFable]

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]

:gonk:

[Jimangalanga]

[QUOTE]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/QUOTE]

Someone draw this.

[chewy12345]

Fuck, no, don't.

[Hunterbrute]

This thread is filled with win. Mostly coat hanger guy.

[quote]19 YO MALE HAS FUNGAL RASH FROM WRESTLING WHERE HE SHAVES PUBIC HAIR DERMATITIS[/quote]

Hahahahaha

[ManningQB18]

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]
Wasn't there a thread on someone who stuck a paperclip there?
Uggh :gonk:

[Hunterbrute]

[QUOTE=ManningQB18;19707240]Wasn't there a thread on someone who stuck a paperclip there?
Uggh :gonk:[/QUOTE]

Home circumcision ahahah

[quote]PATIENT GOT FORESKIN OF PENIS CAUGHT IN ZIPPER OF PANTS, NOT WEARING UN DERWEAR, CANNOT RELEASE SKIN; SKIN REMOVED[/quote]

This kid should have just fucked her.
[quote](16-year-old male) "DRY HUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND" W/PENIS RUBBING AGAINST HER JEANS,ACTIVITY WENT ON FOR EXTENDED PERIOD,PENIS STARTED BLEEDING DX: ABRASIONS PENIS[/quote]

[TH89]

[quote] (34-year-old female) playing a guitar,stumbled,fell backward onto uncapped beer bottle ,whch contacted perineal area,bottle intact dx: Complex vaginal lac[/quote]

what

[Canuhearme?]

[QUOTE=TH89;19707296]what[/QUOTE]

She got raped by a bottle.

[Hunterbrute]

[QUOTE=Canuhearme?;19707339]She got raped by a bottle.[/QUOTE]

At least it wasnt a baseball.

[quote](31-year-old female) BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL[/quote]

:cawg:

[H4yd3n]

[quote](70-year-old who) PUT A DEODORANT BOTTLE INTO HER VAGINA AND THE CAP IS STILL STUCK INSIDE. DX FOREIGN BODY VAGINA / REMOVED[/quote]

Oh god the visual image.
[img]http://i50.tinypic.com/30mmsuf.jpg[/img]

[DiscoPony]

[quote]A trawl of computer-related mishaps, meanwhile, demonstrates that IT is also doing its bit to cull the population:

(12-year-old male) SITTING @ COMPUTER DESK&MOM ACCIDENTALLY DROVE THE MV INTO THE HOUSE, PUSHING THE DESK INTO PT'S CHEST WALL>>CONTS/ABRS[/quote]

I don't really see how this has anything to do specifically with computer use.

[H4yd3n]

[QUOTE=DiscoPony;19707431]I don't really see how this has anything to do specifically with computer use.[/QUOTE]

Video games made the mom run over her son, let's blame them.

[DeepDish]

oh my god........

[~ZOMG]

Golden rule: Do not insert house hold objects into yourself.

I follow that rule and I have yet to suffer an embarrassing injury worthy of a hospital visit.

[Hunterbrute]

[QUOTE=~ZOMG;19707624]Golden rule: Do not insert house hold objects into yourself.

I follow that rule and I have yet to suffer an embarrassing injury worthy of a hospital visit.[/QUOTE]

Do fingers and hands count? :3:

[Zero-Point]

[QUOTE=AzzyMaster;19706183]What the hell was he thinking.[/QUOTE]

What bothers me further is that coat-hangers are typically pretty sturdy, so what the FUCK was he doing to himself to break a fucking coat hanger?!

[Xeloo]

[url]http://www.sun-sentinel2.com/features/ftlaudNEISS/ftlaudNEISS08_view.php?editid1=22485[/url]

old as shit

[Sirdangolot5]

oh god make it stop

please Th89 make it all stop

[Doug52392]

[quote](12-year-old male) SITTING @ COMPUTER DESK&MOM ACCIDENTALLY DROVE THE MV INTO THE HOUSE, PUSHING THE DESK INTO PT'S CHEST WALL>>CONTS/ABRS[/quote]Damn woman drivers. :argh:

By the way, the NEISS is searchable, in case anyone didn't figure it out. Querying the database for 13-30 year old males with injuries to the "pubic region" generats some hilarious results :v:

On a related note, I never realized just how dangerous zippers are... :ohdear:

[editline]1[/editline]

[img]http://filesmelt.com/dl/whatthefuck1.jpg[/img]

:wtc:

[editline]2[/editline]

Oh god it was worse in 2007

[img]http://filesmelt.com/dl/lolwut13.jpg[/img]

What the fuck... a screw? Fucking christ, stop sticking screws into your penis. It does the same thing anal stimulation does, so if you want that, do that.

Oh god.

[quote]16 year old male

Narrative: PLACED 2 MAGNETS ON EACH SIDE OF PENIS WHILE IN TUB, UNABLE TO REMOVE(M AGNETS USE FOR SCIENCE PROJECT & EARRINGS) DX PENILE FB REMOVAL[/quote]

[editline]3[/editline]

[quote]13 year old male

Narrative: HUNG BY AN ELECTRICAL CORD IN BASEMENT (PLAYING "CHOKING GAME") ACCIDENTAL ASPHYXIATION[/quote]

[~ZOMG]

[QUOTE=Hunterbrute;19707703]Do fingers and hands count? :3:[/QUOTE]

Fingers and hands are good.

Feet are not... :ohdear:

[Hunterbrute]

[QUOTE=~ZOMG;19707953]Fingers and hands are good.

Feet are not... :ohdear:[/QUOTE]

I guess that makes legging someone even worse. :geno:

[Syno]

[quote](8-year-old male) "TRYING TO BE IRON MAN" AND JUMPED OFF OF A DECK 10FT HIGH. DX SPRAIN R/L FOREARM[/quote]

Amazing.

[DainBramageStud]

[quote]64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS[/quote]

Transsexual backstreet abortion fetish? :ohdear:

[AmazingAzzy]

[quote](44 Female)THE "D" ON THE *** SIGN FELL HIT PT ON THE SIDE KNOCKED TO GROUND CONTUSION CHEST WALL CONTUSION FLANK[/quote]

[laserpanda]

More great ones from the complete list.

[B]
HORSING AROUND W/ A FRIEND IN THE SHED CUT ARM ON A MACHETTE[/B]
[B]
ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE CHANNEL ON TV AND SLID ONTO BUTTOCKS STRAINING KNEE[/B] What?

[B]PT RUNNING IN YARD AND FELL INTO A DECORATIVE LAWN ORNAMENT STRUCK FAC E LACERATION FACE[/B] Those Lawn Gnome's hats can be sharp.

Also, 7 of the patients are at least 200 years old according to the report.

[Archangel125]

Ah, Americans. You so silly.

See, people like them are the reason coffee cups have to have a CAUTION! HOT! warning on them.