Deadwalker- A short story WIP - General

Deadwalker is a story I came up with about 25 minutes ago. It is a WIP and will by no means be perfect, Its 00:30 and Ive been at school all day. [QUOTE=Deadwalker-First Section Draft 1]It was dark, not that natural dark, the dark of night that’s actually light and blue. No, it was deeper than that. He reached for his lighter in his old worn jacket pocket. Shadows danced around the room like cave paintings in motion. He was in one of the old subway stations; he knew he shouldn’t be, it wasn’t safe. A shuffling, a murmur of rasped breath. A lot of rasped breath, maybe that’s what woke him, the shuffling. He reached the lighter into an old bottle full of viscous liquid. A simple DIY lamp, the glass amplifying the light. He calmly reached for his rusty ol’ Nailer. He didn’t like what he saw. It probably didn’t like him, the calmative mass of rotting corpses and torn clothes. He had seen such things before; often he had seen the deadwalker’s about, never much of a threat, certainly not to a group of rowdy boys and men with their guns. But this was different. He was alone, deep underground, and there must have been at least 40 of the things. Well he thought might as well take a few down as I go… Too late, they had seen the fire. Damn! Why hadn’t he put it out? They could smell him now, ever hungry for more live flesh. At first just one came running at him. A slight hissing sound and a small roar of flame later and the deadwalker fell. A sharpened nail protruding slightly from the back of its skull.[/QUOTE] Any suggestions/comments would be helpful.

I'm pulling this into photoshop so I can write all over it with suggestions. Give me a bit. [editline]12:01AM[/editline] [url]http://dump.no/files/c1645bb281c1/Cercerd_Deadwalker.png[/url] I used dump.no because it gives it a look like it's on paper. I was going to use a pdf but the file size was HUGE. I can write up my own version of it if you want. :smile: [editline]12:05AM[/editline] Also, why did you not write in paragraph form? You made a new line at REALLY weird places. To expand on the subway thing, a subway, especially an old one, has really large objects in it. And you never really specified a light source until when he lit his own, but you said that shadows were dancing before he even lit the thing. Large objects don't have shadows that dance because they are still. That means that this light source you invented would have to be moving very fast and be far away but still bright. And for the light he made, how could he light a fluid in a bottle? Bottles have necks and you can't get a lighter in there without dropping it. Also, it would cause pressure and the flame would come out of the bottle making it dangerous to hold. If the bottle was then closed, the light would obviously go out. And the glass would get too hot to hold anyways.

It had paragrphs in word97, I just didn't remember to re-implament them in Facepunch. Also the weird placings of new lines/paragraps is part of how I write. I do similar things with short scentences that word complains about. I agree I need to rethink the bottle, and there was no other light source, I just used the description to signify that he lit the lighter, but it needs some work. The dancing shadows is caused by a flickering flame. [url]http://dump.no/view/files/259e169b21ef/Cercerd_Deadwalker.png[/url] And yeah, my handwrting sucks [b]EDIT[/b] Also thanks for the help, most people around here don't bother with literature.

My ? mark: I didn't understand why you said "it probably didn't like him" it's dead. It can't think. It reads confusingly. You need to put the thing about the flames way later on, after he lights it. The subway: Old subways especially have HUGE objects in them which create large shadows. Shadows of that size don't seem to flicker. Where you said "simple is not always bad" It was bad word choice. I didn't contradict myself later by saying "Just say flamable." The word viscous looks awkward there. Bottles don't have the properties that a lens would on a light. It would cause the light to refract and cover a larger area but not be as bright because it's not directional. "I'll go simple then" I don't understand what you mean. I'm not asking you to be simple with everything. Description is good. It's just the way you are describing things isn't being executed well. If he was going to hit and run then you need to comment on that. I assume a Nailer is a gun? It makes me think of a nail gun. It's confusing the way it is. The action part was REALLY confusing. I couldn't decipher what happened at all. I never assumed it was a full story or completely developed. If it was developed then I would have reviewed it differently. No problem, it was interesting, and that's why I read and annotated it. It has a lot of potential. Keep it up!

Thanks, I'll continue with it then

[QUOTE=DOG-GY;17647396]I'm pulling this into photoshop so I can write all over it with suggestions. Give me a bit. [editline]12:01AM[/editline] [url]http://dump.no/files/c1645bb281c1/Cercerd_Deadwalker.png[/url] I used dump.no because it gives it a look like it's on paper. I was going to use a pdf but the file size was HUGE. I can write up my own version of it if you want. :smile: [editline]12:05AM[/editline] Also, why did you not write in paragraph form? You made a new line at REALLY weird places. To expand on the subway thing, a subway, especially an old one, has really large objects in it. And you never really specified a light source until when he lit his own, but you said that shadows were dancing before he even lit the thing. Large objects don't have shadows that dance because they are still. That means that this light source you invented would have to be moving very fast and be far away but still bright. And for the light he made, how could he light a fluid in a bottle? Bottles have necks and you can't get a lighter in there without dropping it. Also, it would cause pressure and the flame would come out of the bottle making it dangerous to hold. If the bottle was then closed, the light would obviously go out. And the glass would get too hot to hold anyways.[/QUOTE] Nice review there. OP, take note and don't come back without something that's worthwhile. This is rubbish.

[QUOTE=Theater;17676217]Nice review there. OP, take note and don't come back without something that's worthwhile. This is rubbish.[/QUOTE] Thanks bro

I was about to add some CC, but then I saw what DOG-GY wrote and there's really no point. Basic advice: Improve your grammar by about 200%.

wooo! more generic zombie tales clearly written by an adolescent videogamer. not THAT terribly written, but definitely a far cry from "good".