"A slight case of murder" Humorous story I'm working on
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[I][B]These are the first 9 pages of a story I was working with some friends of mine a while back. We were initially writing this as a small skit, but it was obvious that we wouldn’t be able to cram everything into a 5 minute short. My friends and I all love it so far, so I thought I’d show a bit to the public for some constructive criticism. if you have a suggestion, do comment. The more minds at work on this the better. Enjoy.[/B][/I]
Contrary to popular murder scenes our killing takes place not on a dark and stormy night, but at a casual get together with friends: on a not so stormy (but still quite stormy) darkened evening. Our victim makes his way out the door for a quick smoke. He lights his cigarette, and looks out into the forest. *Snap* He hears in the corner of his ear. Feeling quite frightened, he decides to go back inside. He walks back to the front door only to find that he has been locked out, so he tries the back door, it’s locked as well. He hears shuffling; whatever is out there is getting closer.
“Guys, open up!” he yells. No one answers.
Just then, something reaches from behind and grabs him and plunges a knife through his stomach again and again. “Guys, come quick I’m being killed!” he yells out, and still on one answers him.
Thus has our first killing taken place on this not so stormy darkened evening.
Early the next morning the police department received a call from an old lady informing them that she had found a dead body. The conversation went something like this:
“Yes, police? I believe I have found a dead body here, come quick.”
“You sure that it’s not just a homeless man? We get calls like that all the time, and more than half the time the guy’s just sleeping.”
“No no, I’m sure it’s dead. Rats have been gnawing at his toes for a while now.”
“Ma’am, lots of homeless men have lost all sensitivity in their feet do to frost bite, go ahead, try and wake him up.”
“No no, really, he’s dead. He smells of death.”
“Lots of homeless people smell bad ma’am.”
“No no, I’m sure of it. His clothes are covered in blood!”
“Ma’am, do you know how many calls we go out on because some hobo is in a brawl with someone. Like just last week, there was this one guy—”
“Listen sir, would you please just send someone over?”
“… Oh what the hell, I’m in a good mood. Someone will be there shortly.”
“Thank you, ba bye now.”
Not a moment later that a vehicle is dispatched from the police department. The car takes a right on Chesnutt Dr. and enters into the open country. There was nothing but corn for miles around, with the occasional old house along the road-side. They reached the third to last house along the road; the mail box read “Mrs. Spleeny.” “Yep, this is the place” the driver said aloud. The vehicle drove up to the front of the house, Mrs. Spleeny was standing on her front porch looking somewhat disturbed (Although, for all we know that could be how she always looks). The car came to a complete stop and out of the driver’s side stepped a tall man wearing a trench coat and fedora, and out of the passenger side came a shorter handsome looking fellow also sporting the same outfit.
Mrs. Spleeny grabs the tall mans are and says “Come quick “in her noticeably English accent. She explains, “There I was, searching for my old scare crow that I had misplaced. I found a saggy old looking fat thing that looked like my scare crow, so, naturally I put him in the fields. It was not until later that I realized that something was amiss. It was attracting crows! They were everywhere, pecking at his face! So I took a closer look and said to myself ‘that is not my scare crow at all’.”
The three of them reached the corpse. It was dirty with blood everywhere, and there was a knife stuck in his belly.
“Holy..! Ma’am, what was your first clue that this was a dead body?” The tall man asks.
“Well I don’t know, I can’t really be sure.”
“Really, it wasn’t the knife hanging out of his intestines?”
“No no… wait, that may have been it.”
The short fellow interrupts the two of them and says “Excuse me, ma’am sorry for not introducing ourselves. This is Detective Johnson Flowers—”
“—Senior Detective!” says Flowers.
“Right, Senior Detective Johnson Flowers and I am Detective—”
“—Assistant Detective!”
The shorter detective rolled his eyes and let out an irritated groan before continuing, “Uhg… I mean… Assistant Detective Jason Marino”
“Oh that’s such a lovely name. You remind me of my grandson, would you like me to bring you a cookie? I baked them fresh this evening.”
“Ma’am, we are doing serious work here, we can’t afford to get distracted right now.” Flowers says.
“I could put some in a bag for you for later?”
Flowers perks up and says “Yes, do that. That would be very good.”
“I’ll be right back” The old woman said with a smile
“Well, let’s see what we can do” Flowers says. He rummages through the man’s pockets searching for anything that may be a clue. “Hmm, let’s see what we have here… There’s a knife in his pocket, a pack of cigarettes and his wallet. Inside he has 5 bucks. Let’s see what his ID says about him.”
“Well we know that this wasn’t a robbery, otherwise he wouldn’t have any money left, right?” Jason says.
“That’s right.”
“Is he an organ donor?” Jason asks as he pulls out his pocket knife.
“Hmm, no… no orange sticker, bastard.” Flowers said in a low tone.
“Well, is there anything else on his ID?” Jason asks.
“No… naugh it’s all in German. Well, let’s load him into the car.” Flowers says.
“Sir, shouldn’t we wait for an ambulance?”
“Marino, as you may have found out over the time we’ve worked together… I am a very impatient man, so let’s just save us all some time and load him into our car.”
*Short pause* Flowers stares at Jason.
“Wha… why are you staring at me?”
“Oh what, you expect the SENIOR Detective carry the corpse?!?”
Marino lets out a sigh “Alright, I’ll make some room for him in the back.”
“Front, put him up front.”
“But sir, that’s a health risk, you could catch a disease!”
“I am still upset with you about that last comment… back of the bus with you!”
“I didn’t say anything!”
“The Corpse rides shot gun! Besides, you’ve been a bit of an ass lately anyways.”
The old woman returns carrying a small bag. “I have the cookies!” The old woman says.
“Are the chocolate chip?” Flowers asks.
“No, they’re sugar cookies.”
“Yuk! Take them back, I don’t want them anymore.”
Not happy at all about the fact he has to carry a dead body—let alone buckle it up—Jason drags what he thought was a quarter-ton man to the car and buckles him into the front seat and sits down to catch his breathe. Flowers on the other hand, lazily strolls over to the driver side of the car and takes his seat and thinks of up a way to cheer himself up. He looks at the corpse, scratches his facial hair for a minute and smiles. Tired, and wondering how on earth a little old lady could carry 200 some pound man, Jason clears some garbage from the backseats and notices that Flowers is playing with the dead body.
“Sir, please don’t play with the victim.” Jason says.
“What? It’s not like it’s hurting it, right Jimmy boy?” Flowers grabs the victim’s jaw and begins to adlib for him “Sure isn’t boss! Sticks and stones may break my bones.” “ They sure did Jimmy boy, because you’re dead!” Flowers laughs as though this is the most fun he’s had in weeks.
“Sir, let’s just please take him to a mortician.”
“Fine lieutenant kill-joy, do you also want to punch a baby while we’re at it? Maybe we could go to the movies and you could spoil the ending too!”
The two men and the dead guy began to drive down to the local hospital. Along the way, and at every stop light, people would look over at Flowers car. They would look at Flowers, look at the body in the passenger seat, and then give him a look that suggested “What the F**k?” Of course, Flowers didn’t seem to mind this at all. Flowers would simple give the others an expression that said “If you don’t want to end up like him then quite starring.” Aside from the people they encountered along the way, the three of them made it to the hospital with little interference (would you mess with someone you thought would kill you and put you in his passenger seat?) Jason gets out and undoes the front seat buckle. As he is doing this two male nurses come out with a gurney and Flowers steps in front of them.
“No don’t help him, he’s being punished.” Flowers says.
“Uh sir, carrying a body like that is a health risk.”
“Oh no, don’t worry about him.” Flowers says as though everything’s fine. “The body sat up front with me the whole trip and I don’t think I’m feeling any ill eff *Chooooooo*!”
[Flowers sneezes all over the two men.]
“… Oh wow, excuse me, any ill effects. Hmm, did everything just taste purple all the sudden?”
It’s not every day that one dead body calls much attention to itself, and especially not one in a hospital. But there wasn’t an ear in the building that couldn’t hear Detective Flowers yelling “put your back into it!" and “You call that carrying a dead body?” and my favorite “It stopped oozing now so pick it back up!" As moronic as that seems, they also left a trail of blood behind them. Doctors who were staring at the clipboards soon slipped on the crimson string, old men in wheelchairs slid across the floor as if it were ice and crashed into each other. Perfectly healthy people fell face first onto the bloody linoleum, and if they didn’t need to go the emergency room… they did now. Jason finally manages his way to the morgue. He picks up the body and sets it on a table next to a doctor. The doctor notices the three men, looks at the body, looks back at his book and says…
“Drop offs are over there.”
“But he’s dead!” says Flowers.
The doctor drops what he’s reading and says “I can save him!” and tries to perform CPR. The two detectives hold him back from letting his lips reach the dead man’s pussy mouth.
“Are you sure he’s dead?” The doctor asks.
“Yes! We’re sure!” Jason answers.
“… Can I try CPR anyways?”
“Uh, I guess so.” Flowers says.
“Thanks, this is great for practice.” The doctor proceeds to blow air into the victims nose, then he compresses his stomach, and checks for his pulse… from his foot.
“Hmm, he really is dead.” The doctor says.
“Is there anything you can tell us doc?” Flowers asks.
“Hmm, well it could have been either drowning, brain damage or possibly… stabbing.”
“I think it was the last one, because that would explain why he has a knife in his stomach.”
“Really, I would never have guessed that ever!” Jason states.
“That’s why you are still an ‘Assistant Detective’ Marino.”
“Sir, I was being facetious.”
“Yet another reason why you are an ‘Assistant Detective.’”
“Let’s see what else we can find here” the doctor says. He looks through his pockets and finds the victim’s wallet. Noticing the 5 dollars in the man’s wallet, he sneaks it into his pocket while the others aren’t looking. “Dear goodness, he’s been robbed!” the doctor exclaims.
“Right, well I don’t think you’re going to get much use from his ID, it’s all in German.” Jason says.
“Don’t worry; I speak German… and Polish, and Spanish, but not much English.”
“Then how have you been speaking to us?” Flowers ask.
“Oh, oddly enough I’ve almost used up every English word I know in this one conversation.”
“Really?”
“… Now I have.”
“Wait wait wait… say that again.”
“Lo siento, no sé que dices.” The doctor says.
“Um, well can you tell us what his name is doctor?” Jason asks.
The doctor looks hard at the ID, almost as if he was reading it.
“Hmm, looks like we have another John Doe.” The doctor says.
“What? You said you could read German!” Flowers says.
“It stands for ‘Jonathan Docile’ I shortened it for reference sake!”
“Great, so we have a name, Marino, run that name through our data bases pronto!”
“Sir, if I remember correctly. You broke all our computers while trying to download ‘Asteroids Classic’.”
“Oh, right, dammit!” Flowers yells out and pounds the dead body’s chest sending a bit of blood to his brain.
[The once dead man gasps for air.]
“I’m alive! No wait, I’m dying again! My killer was—“our victim dies in mid-sentence.
[Everyone in the room is staring at the body for a minute]
“What was that!?!” Jason asks.
“Hmm, it seems that our large friend here has hit our body’s chest so hard he sent enough blood to his brain to revive him!” The doctor exclaims.
“I bet we could do it again!” Flowers says.
Flowers proceeds to beat the dead body using his fist. “C’mon guys, we can do this” he says. The other two men join in and begin to punch the man’s chest. They even go so far to dive off of a chair and elbow him, kick him, and smash a wooden chair on him, until the doctor stops them.
“Wait, stop, did you hear that” The doctor feels the man’s chest.
“Yeah, I think all we did is break his ribs, he’s dead.”
“No, we can’t lose him now. I have important questions to ask!”
“Good sir, I am a mortician—”
[As the doctor is speaking a man on the table behind him gets up and begins to walk away.]
“I have a degree in Deathology. I have a masters degree in Deathonomy, and I have even killed a man! I think I know when… no wait, disregard that last thing!!”
“Sir, what if we were to try the defibrillators?!” Jason suggests.
“Good idea Marino… You go get those… the thing!” Flowers says.
“You do know what those are, don’t you?”
“I know what they are! They’re those things that you… you kind of… thing… you know? They’re round and paddle like. Uh, I think they smell weird… you know? They’re black… Just get’em!”
Jason franticly searches around looking through everything. He looks in every cabinet, every drawer, behind every door and finds nothing but “pills, pills and more pills”.
“Ugh, doctor, where are the defibrillators?”
“This is a morgue! We don’t try to bring people back to life once they get here, we can only medicate them once they're dead!”
“But we can save him!”
“Morgue, dead—“
“I’m going to try CPR!”
“I am a doctor, why is no one listening to me!?!”
During all the commotion another doctor franticly runs into the room and tries to find out what is happening.
“What the hell is going on down here? We can hear you from all the way upstairs!”
“Get us some refribulators!” Flowers yells.
“But I –“
“Go, NOW!”
“But –“
“RUN!”
Frightened, the other doctor agrees and runs away to get a set of defibrillators.
“All right, everyone just calm down, okay? We can still save this guy…” Jason says with a glint of optimism. “So, let’s just all take a deep breathe, and slowly exhale.”
Jason manages to calm the three of them down. They all in unison inhale, and exhale, inhale, and exhale… and shortly after, they forgot what they were all doing. Now, the other doctor rushes into the room, and as he tries to catch his breath he says…
“I… *gasp* I got those paddles you asked for.”
“Paddles, did we ask for paddles?” Flowers asks in a peaceful tone of voice.
“Heh, this is a morgue. We don’t try to bring the dead back to life here.” Jason says in a tranquil smile.
“Yea, I mean look at us. We’re covered in blood; I mean who knows we may have killed someone!” The doctor chuckles “We wouldn’t want to bring anyone back to life if we did that. I mean really, look at this guy here, he has a knife in his stomach… someone wanted him dead.”
At that, Jason breaks out of the trance he was.
“OH, yeah, that’s us! Bring it here quick!”
The other doctor wheels the device over and begins to charge it up.
“Here let me do it.” Flowers says. “I feel like I could do anything right now, I feel so at peace“ Flowers picks up the paddles and is holding them the wrong way so that his palms are pressed against the plates. “I don’t know what it is, I love everything right now. —“
“Clear!” the other doctor yells out as Flowers presses the buttons and shocks himself.
“Ow, dammit, I hate all of you!” Flowers yells.
Jason takes the paddles from Flowers hands, rubs them together and yells “Clear” reviving the victim.
“I’m alive” the once dead man yelled.
“Finally” Flowers says. “Were you or were you not wearing a hoop skirt on April first?” Flowers asks.
“That’s a stupid question that I am not going to answer. The guy who tried to kill me was—“
“CLEAR!” said the mortician as he zapped our victims head.
Both Flowers and Jason are outraged by this and are yelling at the doctor.
“Why did you do that?! I had just brought him back to life!” Jason asked.
“… You mean that wasn’t gas escaping from his mouth?” The confused doctor asks.
“NO!” Jason and Flowers say in unison.
“Oh my goodness I am so sorry! It’s just I hear that kind of stuff all the time. I mean you wouldn’t believe some of the things I hear coming out of these people when they’re dead. I actually thought I was having a conversation with someone one time!”
“Crap. Well, what are we going to do? Our victim’s brain is fried and all we have is a name.” Flowers says.
“Well, we should come back tomorrow and see what we can find. I’ll look up anything I can find about our John Doe.”
“Good idea Marino, you do that and I’ll go get smashed.”
Thus ends our first day.
Im enjoying it
Sounds pretty good so far. Shouldn't this be in the creationism corner?
[QUOTE=Oman;21910314]Sounds pretty good so far. Shouldn't this be in the creationism corner?[/QUOTE]
I thought that was for art, right?
needs more rape
[QUOTE=Renth;21910367]I thought that was for art, right?[/QUOTE]
It's for anything that you create.
Write like Faulkner and use 6 level modifiers.
Sounds like a slapstick T.V comedy.
I love it.
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