• how to approach someones relative's death
    26 replies, posted
Since my father died, i really started to see things from another perspective, and im not saying this new view is any better than the old one. I live in a very religious country, pretty conservative about its Catholicism, and by that i mean Catholicism made its way by tradition. I heard a lot about how i must find god and how my father wasnt on gods plan or why do i even worry when my dads in paradise. I dont know if people really believe this by their own right, or the very simple idea of life ending in death makes them so afraid about even questioning the truth of religions. But i do think people just act very awkward ans stupid about these situations, they really dont know what the fuck to say and they just puke religious bullshit, still with a straight face, to cover their lack of a sentence that actually makes sense and helps rather than getting on the way between a person and another. My fathers death felt more like an excuse for a church's mass rather than actually being the topic of the reunions. I remember being so fucking mad about hearing all these obscene use of metaphors and sayings about how gods great and we should not worry about his plan and blablabla like it actually means something, then the father talked about how he knew gods existence because in his granddads funeral, they took a picture of the coffin and after revealing it, you could clearly see his face in a corner. I honestly didnt know if i should laugh, cry, or shit myself on that moment. It was a combination of anger, and knowledge about the way people approach religion. i dont remember any good advice FROM ANYONE on the funeral, really, i kept hearing all this "be strong" premade phrases or "god will show you the path" or just empty shit, really. The only good approaches i remember were when friends of relatives came to me, and just hugged me with strength. Thats all a person has to do, in all honestly. Sometimes some people would just go on and on with their kindergarden philosophy about life and death. It was almost like they were reading a manual or something and i just wanted to punch them in the face, for real. Its not easy for me, or anyone really, but im part of the people who knows that death is the end of the line. I heard a lot of promises as well, all of which were bullshit , and you know they are because its what people always say, its what people feel like they have to say. They feel like they must say something, so in the end they most likely will shit by their mouth and keep doing it. It felt so dumb when people talked about what my father did and how he behave...like we were remembering a person who died years ago. I was with him just the days before dammit do you know how to be human for gods sake? I saw a lot of people i didnt even know, because of course, deaths the moment a person is the best person in the world. They all go there and talk nicely, promise a lot, and then you never see them again. I must say however he was a very liked person so that helped a lot. I also hate my granddad. He was an abusive with my dad and always was like that. Just to summarize, he once came asking for money when my dad was hospitalized, that pretty much says it all. And once we were at the hospital when he died, he said "i knew something bad would happen, i felt it inside" in an attempt to make my fathers death "his thing". So, to clarify, be honest, dont explain yourself through religion, dont try to use premade phrases or bullshit like that, be with the person or people thats suffering, dont talk because you feel like you must say something,try not to show up just for the sake of it, dont try to make it your thing, dont promise actions you arent willing to do just to make them feel better, dont talk like it happened years ago, and please remember, what really counts is not how much noise you do at the very moment, its about what you do after it, after days gone by, after the whole thing stays in the past, the real support comes with the time that has to come.
You know, sometimes it's better to listen to folks in your position than to talk to them. Just a simple "So how are you dealing?"
One of my friends died when I was younger and his family held a Catholic funeral for him. There was quite a bit of ceremony. On the other hand, my grandmother's funeral was Christian, non-Catholic, and it was more about her. Really, consider what the people spewing their religious defaults are going through. It's as awkward for you as it is for them and some people don't do well with silence. On top of that, when you're mourning someone, it's hard to think about anything better to say because you have so much on your mind. All you can be bothered to think of is what would make you feel better. For some people, their comfort lies in religion. There is nothing wrong with that. As for myself, I preferred to be with somebody in silence. That's what's best for me in times of grief because I can think about the person I've lost, but I can also put my mind off of it to help the people there with me. When I was approached by someone with religious words of inspiration, I just gave them my thanks and went back to quiet observation because I know they meant well. For the most part, people saw that I didn't want to talk. As I said, it's a matter of consideration and everyone there was most likely there to honor the person they lost and be there for everyone else in their position, not to make a big deal out of it. It just happens that way. That said, there's no need to shit on someone else's religion or their methods for coping with their loss. Let them do as they do as long as it's not really hurting anybody and help them if you can.
Im sorry for your loss OP. I mean, its ironic that I just said that even after you told you were against it, but I just felt I should say it. Everytime someone tells me about a death of someone close to them, I just say "I'm sorry to hear that". Granted, I dont think I ever had one of those situations where someone dear to one of my friends recently died, so there isn't much pressure about it. But if it was, it'd be really different. Death is a pretty touchy subject. People don't want to say the wrong thing and look bad, that's why they always end up saying the generic things they do. And that's what society teaches them anyway.
Going to be bold and say this, but you shouldn't worry too much about it. It's all in the past now. The best thing to do is decide the present, and look toward the future. I know you aren't fond of this kind of thing, but as a Christian, God loves everyone. Death comes because of our own sin. However, that's not an excuse to be judgmental of someone. Sometimes God sends us storms like this, but it all works together for good. Our family has hit rock bottom many times, but God always manages to bring back afloat. These trials are only temporary and will eventually disappear. Dealing with a death is hard, but there is always hope. Best thing to do is look forward and progress.
I know you're feeling revolted by all this but don't try to blame it on your dad's community. Don't expect that people that barely know you might be able to say something significant to you. When my neighbor's dad died, I didn't know at the time what to say to him and all I could think of at the time was throwing in some cliche phrase, that now that I think of it it was terrible. It's not easy for people to think rationally after a great shock like this so most of them rather be diplomatic about what they say. It's just that people don't have any connection towards you, and as much "catholic" as that community is, like in everywhere else, there's a huge amount of people going there for the scene. There are also people there who do not know you but felt obligated to express their sentiments. Well at least some of them did show up for your father's funeral to pay their respects. I'm really sorry for your loss, but that's just how the world spins. My mom had cancer recently and during the whole process I was basically holding it in, trying not to tell it to anyone thinking that it would attract that kind of behavior from people. And it actually did. Most people my mom told about it just gave her a condescending phone call and that was it. On the other hand, the people that really matter supported her till the end and now, thank God, the worst is over after the surgery. You know, I'm Catholic myself and I also think it wasn't a good idea to bombard you with "God this God that" and the way I see it nobody can know for certain what happens after death. I can tell you though that after you let this all sink, you're going to come out of this a more mature person. As much as we don't like to accept it, suffering plays a big role in growing up and accepting the world as it is. Just remember your father for the good things and the little things that made you love him and live by them. That's the legacy he left behind for you to take.
I lost my dad when I was very young, about 7-8. Even the i made the realization that when tragedy befalls someone they will ALWAYS try and act entitled to acting like the tragedy is about them and their suffering. Random friends and family would come to me and spew shit like "oh honey I understand how you feel. He was my friend." Like fuck you, i just lost the hero in my life and am going to be fatherless for the rest of my life. You understand jack shit. I've become super resentful of people who use tragedy to horde attention. It's something I never did and never will do.
[QUOTE=Winters;42314965]I lost my dad when I was very young, about 7-8. Even the i made the realization that when tragedy befalls someone they will ALWAYS try and act entitled to acting like the tragedy is about them and their suffering. Random friends and family would come to me and spew shit like "oh honey I understand how you feel. He was my friend." Like fuck you, i just lost the hero in my life and am going to be fatherless for the rest of my life. You understand jack shit. I've become super resentful of people who use tragedy to horde attention. It's something I never did and never will do.[/QUOTE] i heard that a lot too. Silence was more times more significant to me that vague explanations about why i should feel better.
I wouldn't know what to say in these situations other than the default shit like "sorry for your loss", to be honest. I will not pretend to "understand" because I realize I "understand" jack shit, and to keep silent... well that's the best option I suppose, to be silent and comfort someone but not everyone is in the position to do that. I guess the people you're dealing with just have their alternatives to "sorry for your loss", but they essentially all mean the same.
I understand what you're going through I know any variation of that sentence probably bothers you I know it did for me when I lost my father about two months ago but I do in fact understand your position. He passed away alone in his apartment on an early Sunday morning. My parents have divorced since I was a kid so my mother's reaction was a roller coaster. Prior to his passing she didn't really show any major emotion towards I him I mean I know that was her husband and the father of her child but she just never would show it much. Usually would "harp" on him on his faults,problems,etc. Well once he passed she began the whole mourning phase quite dramatically(understand this is an awkward situation as she currently has a husband). Constantly posting on social media sites about it, going into crying fits, talking about how much she loved him still. Then came the funeral arrangements. I never have had to deal with something like this so I mistakenly let my mother do some of the planning. Just a note my father was not at all religious he said he was to get in bed with a woman he was dating and to get money from my mother to survive. So my mother and his ladyfriend are both trying to make it religious as they can I don't really mind it I guess since it was their way of dealing with it. But I mean he was my father and I did try somewhat to not make it religious and I got constant remarks about it(mainly his obituary having a very deep southern baptist undertone.) So whilst dealing with my late father's new found religious beliefs I am having the constant barrage of "Sorry for your loss" or "He is in a better place now." Just all these same phrases over and over you just avoid telling people that your father passed away and just stay away from the phone. Then to make matters worse his girlfriend gave me money from his last paycheck saying "he would want you to have this." That money has been nothing but a curse I'm never going to spend it and I feel constant guilt in even having it in my possession. So far gifts are a bad idea as are the usual "Sorry for your loss" and "I understand". I mean I know they had good intentions in all of these things but it gets painful to hear it after the dozenth time. It seems everyone has hundreds of friends after their death cousins,family friends, people I had never met were saying how close they were with him and how he meant the world to him. When funeral day came around you know how many people showed up? About 10. Everyone and their grandmother had loved him but when the day came to actually do something none of them showed up. People are people I kept thinking this to myself trying to make excuses for everyone's actions. The best course of action for people who know someone who loses someone in my opinion is to just shut up try and take their mind of off it by spending time with them if they want to talk just listen. There are going to be the littlest things that will remind them of who they lost. I know I don't go a day without thinking about him and I don't think it will start to heal for awhile. Time doesn't really heal wounds just numbs them, you get so used to the feeling it becomes part of you. Just do your best to understand people don't really know what to do in those kind of situations. I know I don't and I've dealt with it I just have tips on what I think would have made me feel better. I apologize for the rambling there is some sort of thesis in there but if you feel like talking ever OP let me know even if you just want to rant or talk about the weather.
[QUOTE=Winters;42314965]I lost my dad when I was very young, about 7-8. Even the i made the realization that when tragedy befalls someone they will ALWAYS try and act entitled to acting like the tragedy is about them and their suffering. Random friends and family would come to me and spew shit like "oh honey I understand how you feel. He was my friend." Like fuck you, i just lost the hero in my life and am going to be fatherless for the rest of my life. You understand jack shit. I've become super resentful of people who use tragedy to horde attention. It's something I never did and never will do.[/QUOTE] maybe you should be a little easier on those people. even if they don't understand your suffering, they have their own understanding of suffering in the circumstances. and generally when people say stuff like that they are trying to connect with you since you all are sharing grief over the same person, even if your grief might be disproportionately larger. i mean i can't understand the way you felt and feel, but i doubt the intention of most is to horde attention.
[QUOTE=Obama Yo Momma;42322742]I understand what you're going through I know any variation of that sentence probably bothers you I know it did for me when I lost my father about two months ago but I do in fact understand your position. He passed away alone in his apartment on an early Sunday morning. My parents have divorced since I was a kid so my mother's reaction was a roller coaster. Prior to his passing she didn't really show any major emotion towards I him I mean I know that was her husband and the father of her child but she just never would show it much. Usually would "harp" on him on his faults,problems,etc. Well once he passed she began the whole mourning phase quite dramatically(understand this is an awkward situation as she currently has a husband). Constantly posting on social media sites about it, going into crying fits, talking about how much she loved him still. Then came the funeral arrangements. I never have had to deal with something like this so I mistakenly let my mother do some of the planning. Just a note my father was not at all religious he said he was to get in bed with a woman he was dating and to get money from my mother to survive. So my mother and his ladyfriend are both trying to make it religious as they can I don't really mind it I guess since it was their way of dealing with it. But I mean he was my father and I did try somewhat to not make it religious and I got constant remarks about it(mainly his obituary having a very deep southern baptist undertone.) So whilst dealing with my late father's new found religious beliefs I am having the constant barrage of "Sorry for your loss" or "He is in a better place now." Just all these same phrases over and over you just avoid telling people that your father passed away and just stay away from the phone. Then to make matters worse his girlfriend gave me money from his last paycheck saying "he would want you to have this." That money has been nothing but a curse I'm never going to spend it and I feel constant guilt in even having it in my possession. So far gifts are a bad idea as are the usual "Sorry for your loss" and "I understand". I mean I know they had good intentions in all of these things but it gets painful to hear it after the dozenth time. It seems everyone has hundreds of friends after their death cousins,family friends, people I had never met were saying how close they were with him and how he meant the world to him. When funeral day came around you know how many people showed up? About 10. Everyone and their grandmother had loved him but when the day came to actually do something none of them showed up. People are people I kept thinking this to myself trying to make excuses for everyone's actions. The best course of action for people who know someone who loses someone in my opinion is to just shut up try and take their mind of off it by spending time with them if they want to talk just listen. There are going to be the littlest things that will remind them of who they lost. I know I don't go a day without thinking about him and I don't think it will start to heal for awhile. Time doesn't really heal wounds just numbs them, you get so used to the feeling it becomes part of you. Just do your best to understand people don't really know what to do in those kind of situations. I know I don't and I've dealt with it I just have tips on what I think would have made me feel better. I apologize for the rambling there is some sort of thesis in there but if you feel like talking ever OP let me know even if you just want to rant or talk about the weather.[/QUOTE] i felt like the least i could do was reading the whole thing, and i feel your pain. Theres a point you touched about guilt in gifts and such things that really talks about how the awkwardness in almost everything from this point shows up from nowhere. The very same day my father died, we went shopping like we never did and he bought me a ps3 out of nowhere because i did great on college. That day i kept thinking about how hard was for me to talk with him and i also noticed things like he was kinda fatter than before and a lot of thoughts that i never had really. Those are the things that with some curious coincidence announce that something is going to happen, and it did. Now i go everywhere and i just see things about him and i feel bad for even use the ps3 or look around in his stuff. Its hard and weird, sad too at the same time. I feel like noone wants to heard me talking about this and the only person who does, my mom, ends up crying and feeling worse just like me whenever we touch the topic, so i keep these things for myself and they just grow stronger in me, not really a healing process to be honest.
Sadly, those people are very common. The last year, when my great grandmother (she was 97) died, some of my great-aunts came to the funeral, saying how they were missing her, and making a big show. The problem was that I never saw them here. They didn't even said hello to us, for fucks sake. And imagine were they went after the funeral (Protip: its out of this town).
Wholeheartedly agreed. I experienced a loved one's death (and I blame myself, because I'm at fault and there's no going around that), and had to cope with a lot of fucking bullshit like you describe and more - common friends, who knew what actually happened, were all saying "don't blame yourself" with a weirdest fucking eyes possible, eyes that were screaming "I blame you personally". And then a lot of my friends begun dying one after the other on a span of just five years - I couldn't even force myself to go to their funerals, all because of the stuff I [b]knew[/b] there would be again, seeing friends' dear ones having to deal with that. BTW, I feel you about your grandfather being abusive to your father. My father grew up in an atmosphere of both (somehow) "you're the worst, you fail at everything" and basically not giving a shit. He died and my father's okay though. I never showed up at the funeral, and my father just basically "had to". No one ever visited his grave since but his very distant relatives who never knew him well and his widow (father's step-mom). Don't fuck your kids over, folks, no one would thank you for it. Don't hate your granddad though. You're wasting yourself on it. From what you decribed, he's just like that, he's not going to change. Take it as a given, and don't think twice about it. I won't say "don't think at all", because you're still going to. Since I'm writing a lot already, I might as well say a few words about the people who say shit like that. Don't get angry at them. Most of the time, they honestly have good intentions, it's the thought "well I heard it a lot when I lost people I held dear, didn't work for me, but maybe it works for others - someone's gotta feel easier since everybody says this stuff all the time? Why else would people repeat that all the time?" Stupid - yes, but frankly, when you see a person who's loved one died - the feeling "shit I have to say something" may get overwhelming, it may depend on personality even. Some people just don't talk emotions much, others feel the need to say something all the time. Also don't get angry at those who move on with their lives just like that, immediately. You can't force people to care as much as you would expect. They have their own lives with their own losses, maybe they already had their share.
OP, I do feel sorry for your loss. Losing a relative is never easy. Hell, I am still mourning my grandmother's sister's death(passed away a few weeks ago) . I can't say I understand because I don't. Death of a relative is never going to be easy to deal with, at least you have friends and people in the community who will offer their sympathies. Don't hate your family, just try to ignore the hateful people in your family and mourn. If you can't keep strong, go ahead and let it out. About your community, don't get angry at them, they really have good intentions. Its better than some people telling you to stop moping(someone said that to me when my relative died), quit complaining, or to just deal with it. If one of my friend's relatives died, I would say that I am sorry for their loss. Hell, I would say that to someone I don't like or hate. The reason I would do this is because death is not something you can just say deal with it and everything will get better. It is a good idea to talk to some people in your community or your friends, and you should try to remember the good memories of your relative.
My father is dead, my grandfather is dead and my uncle died last year I know how you feel, bro.
[QUOTE=LittleBabyman;42333277]My father is dead, my grandfather is dead and my uncle died last year I know how you feel, bro.[/QUOTE] oh man fuck that sucks. I really feel what you are experiencing. Before my fathers death, both of my grandparents from my mothers side died at the same year. (last one)
[QUOTE=Xenophobia;42354622]Two people in my life has died, my grandmother and my dog. When my Grandmother died I didn't realise that I would never see her again until we were at her funeral, then it just hit me like a truck on a highway and I just started to cry out of nowhere. People gave me wierd looks and I think I hear someone tell me to be quiet. My grandmother and I were really close, and those looks hurt me badly. Who are those people to judge, I was 13 years old and that was the first time I lost someone. That shit fucked me up and when my dog died I couldn't feel a thing even though I wanted to and should have. I just continued my day as it where. Point is, don't take other peoples "disinterest" or whatever you would call it to heart, because it will do you no good.[/QUOTE] i cried a lot at my grandfathers funeral too. People even told me that they were worried about me doing it, but hell, if deaths not the moment to cry and feel pain, when the fuck should i do that? i mean, is there any better moment for those emotions to come? we rationalize ourselves too damn much to a point that our routine comes first than everything. Work first, cry when you have the time. FUCK that.
which is kinda why i made this post to be honest, we forget about the most primal and carnal sides of our lifes, feelings, desires. They become awkward situations and it shouldnt be this way, in any way possible.
Your approach should be tangential to reduce the direct impact.
I feel you man, my father passed away in February, so I do remember all the "be strong" and "He was a great man" speeches from my dads funeral, it is truly a bittersweet affair.
I remember losing a grandfather when I was very young, and it destroyed me. I cried pretty much the entire way to oklahoma for his funeral. But... after that... I can't remember the last funeral I cried at. When shit hits the fan like that I start to just shut down emotionally. I acknowledge the pain and I know its there, but I barely react to it. I'm afraid to tell people about it because I'm worried they'll just come back with "Oh you're just being edgy, quit it you're not impressing anyone". I'm not "just being edgy", I'm really fucking worried because every single time this happens [I]I don't cry.[/I] I don't break down, I just become very cold, quiet, and methodical. And its not just deaths that this happens. Big family fight, everyone's yelling, screaming, and threatening each other? Well not me, I'm quiet, calm, and just watching. I end up as the only sane person in the room and I spend my time thinking of what I would have to do to intervene if something got [I]really[/I] bad and some of the things I come up with genuinely scare me. I start to treat myself as expendable. Is there something wrong with me or am I just worrying over nothing?
I try to treat people as if its the last time Ill ever be with them. I thank them for everything they have done for me and I pay them back with my actions. So if by chance i dont ever see them again I will be happy and detached. I will feel that our interaction in this life was complete and there was no loose ends. Life is more exciting that way and death is less painful. Imagine if you knew you would die today. What would you say to your family and friends? What would you do to repay them? When I do something insignifigant like leaving the house for five minutes I detach. I realize that I may never go home again. I leave as if its my last time ever leaving. That way I already let go and am given to the powers that rule my fate. In doing so i take responsibility, knowing that my actions could mean the death of me or someone else. So i am free, i cling to nothing, i fear nothing, but im ready.
^^You didn't find the Buddha. Congrats !
This made me think of my dad, who lost his mother a few years ago, think I was 14. I was depressed at the time and I didn't really spend too much time with her, didn't really like it, and when she was gone it didn't really affect me too much... Because I was so caught up with myself and because I didn't really understand how it must have felt for my dad, I've just not really been sure how to go about it with him. I guess reading what you read made me think about how I should have acted, I was selfish and don't really feel like I can excuse myself by saying "I was just a kid".
[QUOTE=MrJazzy;42446838]This made me think of my dad, who lost his mother a few years ago, think I was 14. I was depressed at the time and I didn't really spend too much time with her, didn't really like it, and when she was gone it didn't really affect me too much... Because I was so caught up with myself and because I didn't really understand how it must have felt for my dad, I've just not really been sure how to go about it with him. I guess reading what you read made me think about how I should have acted, I was selfish and don't really feel like I can excuse myself by saying "I was just a kid".[/QUOTE] althought i think it does, its the maturity of the understanding, and the way you looked at it. Now you may have the brains to realize what really happened that time. Dont think too much about it.
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