• Facepunch Anonymous Confessional: We know you stuck a banana in your ass
    162 replies, posted
Sup fuckers, welcome back to a ventilated sponsored anonymous confessional. It's been a while since I made one, and I saw that some other cunt tried to make one without much success. It's been nearly two years since I last managed a confessional, and I'm not sure how much time has passed since there was one, so here it goes. As always the e-mail is [EMAIL="fpanonconf@gmail.com"]fpanonconf@gmail.com[/EMAIL]. Only I will see your real name/pseudonym/e-mail address/etc..., and will copy/paste the contents of the e-mail in a quote labeling you either John Doe or Jane Doe like the following: [quote=John Doe]One time I put my own dick in my butt. It felt weird, especially when I came.[/quote] And then I will likely respond with advice, or sass depending on how serious your confession sounds to me. As always your confession can pertain to an illegal nature, I don't care as long as you're not regaling to me your plans to shoot up your high school because someone made fun of you for X reason Y times. If you're telling me that, I will report you to the appropriate legal entity. You can tell me that you accidentally brought weed to school, or mainlined draino into your cock, those are fine. I will still post the school shooting ones, I will post every single confession I receive. Please do not PM me your confession, or post them in the thread or you will most likely be ridiculed, and rightly so. [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1225588"]Here's a link to the last thread[/URL], the OP contains links to all confessions, as will this OP for all new confessions. Let's get the ball rolling. These are the confessions: [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45706725&viewfull=1#post45706725"]1[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45709586&viewfull=1#post45709586"]2[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45713801&viewfull=1#post45713801"]3[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45717271&viewfull=1#post45717271"]4[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45724023&viewfull=1#post45724023"]5[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45730120&viewfull=1#post45730120"]6[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45734499&viewfull=1#post45734499"]7[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45754852&posted=1#post45754852"]8[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45762899&viewfull=1#post45762899"]9[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45771337&viewfull=1#post45771337"]10[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45779448&viewfull=1#post45779448"]11[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45790233&viewfull=1#post45790233"]12[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45849941&viewfull=1#post45849941"]13[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45875262&viewfull=1#post45875262"]14[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45927758&viewfull=1#post45927758"]15[/URL], [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45996059&viewfull=1#post45996059"]16[/URL], [url=http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=46152631&viewfull=1#post46152631]17[/url]
Hi ventilated, hows it going?
and it goes. We are all each other, we are all the same.
holy fuck, i checked my email and still have drafts of my confessions 2 years ago
this is literally the best day in fp history
[QUOTE=drutehtkehs;45704305]holy fuck, i checked my email and still have drafts of my confessions 2 years ago[/QUOTE] why tell us about a confession that you drafted rather than submitting it for the world to ridicule you
The best part about these threads are the people who don't get that you're supposed to send the confession to the e-mail.
[QUOTE=airconditiond;45704411]why tell us about a confession that you drafted rather than submitting it for the world to ridicule you[/QUOTE] ur right
Oh hey, one of these. These were all the rage when I first joined.
[QUOTE=Mort Stroodle;45704434]The best part about these threads are the people who don't get that you're supposed to send the confession to the e-mail.[/QUOTE] I like the times where someone quotes a confession to comment on how gross it is and basically confirms that they're the one who sent it in.
dear facepunch anonymous confessional thread i must confess i cannot stop farting help me
Sometimes, but not all the time, I will just eat a booger out of nowhere, for anyone wondering, it taste salty, or like butter. After eating the booger I kind of ask myself why I did this, kinda like when one masturbates and feels stupid afterwards for doing it in the first place, but always goes back to it because of some desire or addiction. We're no better than apes.
Can you absolve me of my sins
[QUOTE=FunkyHippo!;45704830]Sometimes, but not all the time, I will just eat a booger out of nowhere, for anyone wondering, it taste salty, or like butter. After eating the booger I kind of ask myself why I did this, kinda like when one masturbates and feels stupid afterwards for doing it in the first place, but always goes back to it because of some desire or addiction. We're no better than apes.[/QUOTE] seek help
this is a real question [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] you ruined my automerge you tart
[QUOTE=Solomon;45704903]this is a real question [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] you ruined my automerge you tart[/QUOTE] fight me
i dont hit babies
I remember these. We would always talk about how Hezzy did it better when ventilated just started :v: ventilated's fucking good
Hi vent, it's me, BDA. Hey man. Hey.
[QUOTE=FunkyHippo!;45704830]Sometimes, but not all the time, I will just eat a booger out of nowhere, for anyone wondering, it taste salty, or like butter. After eating the booger I kind of ask myself why I did this, kinda like when one masturbates and feels stupid afterwards for doing it in the first place, but always goes back to it because of some desire or addiction. We're no better than apes.[/QUOTE] a very anonymous post
More fetishes and habits, let's go.
iirc didn't the original threads have a rule where if you confessed in the thread instead of email or identified yourself you got banned
hello vent i miss you
hiya vent
Facepunch confessional more like Meet 'N Greet the artist formerly known as Ventilated
also, for extra anonymity, there's [url]https://www.guerrillamail.com/[/url]
One time I kissed a dog on the lips. Not sexually. It was for business.
I was literally talking to Hezzy about him having another anonymous confessional a few days ago, he said he was too busy and didn't trust anyone else with the information. Funny how things work out.
confessions trickled in since posting, so here's the first batch. [quote=John Doe]Once looked at bestiality porn. Couldn't get off to it. Never again.[/quote] I don't understand the appeal of seeing dogs fucking humans or horses (aside from the hilarity of Mr. Hands). I also don't understand "otherkin" or the desire to dress up like an anthropomorphic fox-bear hybrid. Something must be broken in your brain to have even made you look up bestiality porn. However, there is a [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0874423/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1]good documentary called "Zoo"[/url] about Mr. Hands. [quote=John Doe]I showed my younger sister my bare dick once, completely buck naked. I was about 16, my sister was 14-15. I had just finished taking a shower, got out the restroom with only a towel and headed down the hallway to my room. On the way, I passed my sister's room, I saw her door was open. She was on her bed using her phone when noticed me. She motioned me inside and got up herself, saying how I have abs and a big chest (I started working out that year) and started touching my bare torso. I have never taken my shirt off in front of my family, so I guess that's why she was somewhat fascinated. I immediately got a boner--I thought she wanted my dick because she was touching me. As our brief counter ended, she walked back to her bed to continue texting or whatever. But, as she turned around I said "Hey," thinking this will seduce her, and dropped the towel to the floor completely exposing my fully erect dick with a forest of untrimmed pubes accompanying it with my hands open wide as if presenting a gift. If that wasn't enough, I attempted to further enamor her with a pathetic attempt of a slick grin. Her eyes just briefly widened in complete horror and disgust of my dick, after which she closed them and muttered a "Oh, my god." She turned around and walked slowly towards her bed like a shell-shocked victim and simply laid down to stare at the ceiling. I awkwardly and silently reached for the towel on the floor of her bedroom and continued to my room. I got dressed, and after about an hour, I went to go check up on her and try to explain myself. She was still staring at the ceiling. I stepped out of the room and went on with my day. It was weird for the next couple of weeks, but things eventually went back to normal. We never talk about it, but sometimes things will remind us. One time we were watching the Alcoholics TV show episode where one of the characters exposes his dick to someone, and well, at that exact moment, while our friends and other siblings were just enjoying the show, me and my sister turned to each other across the room and our eyes met.[/quote]Did you two bone after that? Usually siblings go through the "i'll show you mine if you show me yours" phase when they are toddlers, and I assume you at age 16 had never seen a vagina before, only rumors of what they looked like from your friends so in your desperate attempt to get your neckbearded-self laid you tried to impress your 14 year old sister with a fully erect 2" dick that barely extended beyond the length of your pubes. I imagine that there's some one-sided sexual tension between you and your sister now that you're 17 and she's 15, and it will probably remain for years to come (for you). Your sister will likely forget and become a cam-whore. Just saying. oh this must be a treat [quote=John Doe]Regarding my sister who saw my dick... I masturbate to her regularly. In fact, I masturbate to two of my sisters almost at least a couple times a week, not everyday. I used to do it more when they lived with the family, but they moved for college. I jacked off to some underwear the younger sister left after leaving for college. I imagine fucking them in the ass and pussy while I cum inside them, them giving me handjobs and blowjobs, and moaning my name while I fuck them. One sister is 1 year younger and one is 3 years older than me. Once, when I had to share a room with my younger sister, she was about 15 and I was about 16, I awoke in the middle of the night because it was too damn hot. I was sleeping on the floor and glanced up to my sister passed out asleep on her bed. She was wearing some really thin underwear, almost a thong but not quite. I assumed she took off her shorts because it was too hot for her too. Anyways, I could see her ass cheeks clearly because she had her back turned to me. I got a gargantuan boner and got closer to inspect that ass, so close I could see her goosebumps and my nose almost touched her skin. I just saved the image to my head and went to go take a shower at 2 am in the morning and jacked off there.[/quote] Pretty sure I covered everything that needed to be said to you above. [quote=John Doe]so im not really going to go into detail incase shit gets fucked but yeah so basically i met this girl like 3 years ago and stuff happened between us even though she was in a long distance relationship, so obviously some drama ensued and we stopped talking for ages recently we've started talking again due to a retarded series of events and flirting and shit is happening again (its not suggestive, its blunt), even though shes in a relationship with someone else i dont even know the guy shes with now and but dont want to fuck shit up for him, and i'd rather not ditch her because of common friends plus shes hot [editline]reply e-mail sent 6 minutes later[/editline] to rephrase something she is flirting with me[/quote] Uh... try to convince her to leave her boyfriend and full on date you rather than just having "stuff happen between you". Could you be more vague next time? Thanks. [quote=John Doe]One time, I deleted half life 3. :suicide:[/quote] Stop wasting my, and everyone else's time with stupid fake confessions. You're probably [url=http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112&p=45705564&viewfull=1#post45705564]Magic Scrumpy[/url], that fool that suggested using gorillamail for anonymity sake. missed one for this first batch [quote=John Doe]I have never dated anyone. I'm 18. In fact, i've never even tried. I have no trouble talking to women at all. I'm of a healthy weight, tall, mildly popular, am non-autistic, and about average is pretty much everything, non abrasive etc. I go to an all guys school so i pretty much don't talk to girls outside parties. I also have recently taken up smoking cigarettes and have been unable to stop, i also use many drugs recreationally. I drink alone a lot now. As i type this i'm in the middle of murdering 1/2 bottle of vodka. I'm not lonely though. Sorry i haven't been fucking the family cat or stealing from old people.[/quote] Why would you start smoking cigarettes now? If anything you should switch to e-cigs so you're not filling your body with as many harmful chemicals as burning processed tobacco does. There's nothing wrong with recreational drug use as long as you keep it recreational. It becomes a problem when you have an addiction you can't break. I'd suggest taking tolerance breaks from each substance for at least three months at a time. Drinking alone is never fun, at least have someone else in the room, doesn't matter if they're drinking or not as long as you're not alone. Good to hear you're not lonely, although you probably will be if you keep drinking alone and keep smoking cigarettes. Eventually the smell of stale cigarette smoke and booze will become your signature smell, and that's a surefire way to repel women. I call fake. [QUOTE=M_B;45704741]dear facepunch anonymous confessional thread i must confess i cannot stop farting help me[/QUOTE] banans make great buttplugs that help suppress farts, keep this in mind next time you have a fart fit[QUOTE=FunkyHippo!;45704830]Sometimes, but not all the time, I will just eat a booger out of nowhere, for anyone wondering, it taste salty, or like butter. After eating the booger I kind of ask myself why I did this, kinda like when one masturbates and feels stupid afterwards for doing it in the first place, but always goes back to it because of some desire or addiction. We're no better than apes.[/QUOTE] die[QUOTE=Solomon;45704896]Can you absolve me of my sins[/QUOTE] only if you're a member of the LDS[QUOTE=Yahnich;45704933]can i confess i killed a man anonymously without you snitching [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] [I]hypothetically[/I][/QUOTE] keep it as vague as possible, yes[QUOTE=One Ear Ninja;45704963]I remember these. We would always talk about how Hezzy did it better when ventilated just started :v: ventilated's fucking good[/QUOTE] imo hezzy's were better[QUOTE=TheHydra;45705334]iirc didn't the original threads have a rule where if you confessed in the thread instead of email or identified yourself you got banned[/QUOTE] i haven't been a mod since who cares how long ago, not something i can guarantee. if the mods want to institute this rule i won't attempt to stop them[QUOTE=SigmaLambda;45705739]One time I kissed a dog on the lips. Not sexually. It was for business.[/QUOTE] [img]http://i.imgur.com/LEGkoOt.gif[/img][QUOTE=The Aussie;45706409]I was literally talking to Hezzy about him having another anonymous confessional a few days ago, he said he was too busy and didn't trust anyone else with the information. Funny how things work out.[/QUOTE] heezy and i are connected telepathically via our balls[QUOTE=usaokay;45706647]I once walked on the grass when a sign told me not to.[/QUOTE] as a child i liked to walk in the grass barefoot, unfortunately this was in my parents backyard and they had dogs. not sure how many times i stepped in dog shit.
[QUOTE=airconditiond;45706725] heezy and i are connected telepathically via our balls [/QUOTE] Good to know. So what is it? Like full blown sentences or just like some buzzing when the other needs to talk or is in danger?
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